I'm Stuck! How To Move Forward?

[WayneP]

I don't know what brought me here, but I find myself seeking the advice of strangers as I feel I don't have anybody else to ask.

 

Let me start by telling you a little bit about myself.

 

My name is Wayne ( hated this name all my life, I've actually started calling myself Luke, even changed my facebook name to it ), I'm 27 and I'm self employed.

 

From the age of 18 to 27 I worked full time in a supermarket, the same boring job others do and felt I was trapped, till I decided to take a leap and become self employed which for the most part seems to be paying off.

 

However, I found myself stuck in another sense, stuck with something that I simply can't find a way to leap out of.

 

Basically, I'm talking about the opposite sex, I've always wanted to be with someone, someone to love and care for but can never seem to find a way of...well, getting it done.

 

I've pretty much never had a girlfriend, and the older I got the harder it got for me to find someone.

 

I've had girlfriends when I was in high school and stuff, but nothing serious.

 

I used to go out drinking with mates when I was 18-21 and would see them going home with girls and such, but I'd always be the 1 friend taking care of everyone else, making sure they didn't get to drunk and making sure they got home alright which meant I was never really able to meet anyone.

 

Then, when I got to around 21-22 I pretty much lost touch with most of my mates, they all went off getting married or having kids and we eventually just stopped talking.

 

But now, we come to present day, I'm 27 and still alone. I really don't want to go out to a pub or club to meet a girl as my Mother was an alcoholic ( still is ) and I feel this as put me off meeting girls in a bar, as I don't want somebody that's just gonna end up being like my own mother.

 

Speaking of my mother, all my childhood was pretty much her passed out drunk of the sofa & I can recall no less than 3 time she tried to commit suicide while me and my older sister was in the room.

 

I feel that also has something to do with why I feel so messed up as an adult.

 

For the past 5ish years I've been battling depression myself, however, no matter how bad things get for me and no matter how much I want to, I don't think I ever could take my own life, which I guess is thanks to my Mum, the 1 thing she gave me in life was the ability to not kill myself as I'd never want to make anybody feel the way I felt when she tried to. I recall her taking an overdose once where it was just me and her, I was 8 and had to phone for an ambulance, not knowing where I was or what was going on I kinda freaked out a little, and the cherry on the top? when they finished sucking the pills from her stomach and I was stood by the side of her hospital bed, did she turn and thank me? no, she turned and told me how much she hated me.

 

But anyway, that really doesn't have anything to do with this, just felt while I'm talking about my problems I should probably get some other stuff off my chest :)

 

So to sum up, I feel lost, lost in a deep dark hole that I can't get out of.

 

All I'm looking for is a sweet kind lady to share my life with, is that to much to ask? I feel even asking that is asking to much, I feel like I meant to spend the rest of my life alone, and if that's the case I ask you, what's the point?

 

The biggest thing holding me back is my looks, I'm not a good looking fellow and I'm not gonna delude myself into thinking I am, I know I'm not gonna bag some super model looking lady, but to be honest, I can truly, from the bottom of my heart say that I could not give a crap what somebody looks like for me to be with them, as long as they have a good heart they'd be beautiful no matter what they look like.

 

I feel like I'm boring people now, probably went a little to much into detail there with certain parts but...yeah, that's me and that's my life.

 

And I know people mean well, but I'm really not looking for people to say "talk to family" or "consult a therapist" or "just go looking for someone", trust me, if I had the confidence I would, but on a scale of 0 to 100, my confidence would be a 2 at best.

[cristal]

Aawww, this is sad.

 

Do you have any interests? You can figure out the things that you are interested in and try to join a meet-up group...or you can take some classes as a way of meeting people. You can also join a local gym. This will definitely improve your self esteem and also your physical appearance. Another thing that you can do, is to strike up a conversation whenever possible. The local parks are always a good place to meet people.

 

Good luck!

[WayneP]

Aawww, this is sad.

 

Do you have any interests? You can figure out the things that you are interested in and try to join a meet-up group...or you can take some classes as a way of meeting people. You can also join a local gym. This will definitely improve your self esteem and also your physical appearance. Another thing that you can do, is to strike up a conversation whenever possible. The local parks are always a good place to meet people.

 

Good luck!

 

I wish I could, but my confidence is that low I can barely speak to people on the phone anymore, it's gradually gotten worse over the past few years to the point I've developed anxiety, never had it when I was younger,but I'm at a point where the only people I can talk to are online, and ever then I try to hold back because I'm self-conscious about my voice.

[cristal]

Wayne, I think in this case you may actually need counseling in order to help you work on your speech, self confidence and your anxiety problems. It will be hard to break out of those problems on your own. You do need the help as it will help you to get to the root cause of what is driving your insecurities.

 

Maybe there are clinics in your area that you can visit that are affordable. Please look into them.

[ApocalypseDreams]

I relate to your story a fair bit, as someone who has struggled with (and still struggles with) social anxiety.

 

I view social skills as a muscle - you need to work on it consistently to get stronger at it and to maintain it. I think you need to view this as a work in progress that will require breaking things down into baby steps. It's unlikely that you will magically get into a relationship if your confidence is 2/100 at best. You are going to have to push yourself though, so be open to any suggestions you get and not just shoot them down.

 

I'll recommend something that has helped me in the past - group therapy.

 

Depending on where you are located, it is likely that there are depression or anxiety support groups that meet up regularly. Some searching on the internet and browsing Meetup for anxiety and depression specific groups should point you in the right direction. If you give me some idea of your location, I can probably help you look.

 

The great thing about group therapy is that you get some of the benefits of individual therapy with the added bonus of some benefits of joining a club or social group. It's a safe space, free from judgement, for you to express yourself and practice some social skills. Because you can be authentic, it starts to help you to see that despite any of your flaws, people will accept you and that you are actually okay. If you are so nervous that your voice shakes or you can't speak at all, it doesn't matter. No one will look down on you - the people will be able to relate. The good thing is that most of them operate on the premise that you are not forced to speak if you are not comfortable, you can simply listen until it is time that you feel comfortable.

 

Once you build up some confidence in that space you can start challenging yourself further. Perhaps then you will feel a bit more open to join a social club or do some volunteering. Again, these things WILL help you even if they seem cliche at this moment. I've done these things in the past and they've helped me considerably. I volunteered at the library of my local buddhist centre and made a handful of friends and got to practice my social skills (again, in a safe environment). It's about getting things in the right order.

[DanZee]

You need to take care of your depression before you can do anything else. You need to see a doctor and get some anti-depressants. You have to heal before you can aattract relationships.

[Harrowdown]

There is a couple of things you can try on your own. You don't seem like a person that'll join clubs etc

 

The easiest would be to start eating healthy. Do a bit of exercise - 10 pushups a day at first. Buy some clothes that fit properly and looks good. This you can do without having to socialize, it's also just to get your confidence up a bit and improve your attitude on stuff. After this, just start to say 'hello, how're you' to cashiers, and any other service people you deal with during the day. Get use to talking to people. This will also improve your confidence and attitude.

 

If you get into a situation where you are in a social setting and the anxiety hits really hard.. try just to listen mostly and ask a few short probing questions from what is being said. If it gets too awkward, make an excuse and leave. Every time this happens though, try and stay in the convo a bit longer. It'll take time but you'll get use to it.

 

The whole idea is to become comfortable around people. The only way though is to push yourself out of your comfort zone, which is extremely hard, I know. There is no other way unfortunately. Sure you'll screw up and think about your screw up for hours/days afterwards but the truth is that most people are too busy thinking about their own cringeworthy moments to think about how you screwed up.

 

Lastly, it's never too late to meet someone. I've only met the love of my life at 33.