Unorthodox Love

[android123]

I have been single for almost a year, though it's felt like much longer. In that time I have been on numerous dates. Not a crazy number, but a fair amount. I have not come across anyone who I feel compatible with. The problem is, I'm dating even though I do not want to be in a relationship. I was dating simply to gain experience, but also with an open heart. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I wanted to learn something from each event. I'm not clear on where I stand long-term, but my short-term vision is somewhat clear, this is it:

 

I have had one official hookup a few weeks ago. It was not the first time I experienced intimacy since the breakup, but this was the first time I realized I can build something other than monogamy. The guy and I share many interests, but he is not relationship material, which is fine because I am not looking to commit. However, our exchange satisfies me. The tempo of this connection is steady enough to keep me interested, but loose enough to not be bothered by the pauses. What I'm interested in is not the guy, per se, (it'll take more visits to affirm that I'm capable "liking" him) but the style in which we choose to mingle.

 

I am guessing I am more interested in keeping close friends because my view on love is so temporary and brittle. I would like to keep up this liberating freelove, whether it be with him or someone else. This begs the question, is traditional love really something that one should want?

 

I can't help but think that, as someone uninterested in the game of love, I'm somehow doing good for myself by avoiding it. I feel those who do take their chances nowadays are risking more than they should. I see people my age who are couples and all I see is history waiting to repeat itself, as it has done time and time again to no avail. I don't only speak of my past relationship, but every relationship I've ever come to know.

 

There has to be another way to love. Perhaps in the direction that I'm choosing to go. I don't know, but maybe you do.

[slushy]

Yeah, keep up the good work! And that perfect rate of speed with this new fella.

 

I think you secured (so far,) exactly what I long for, depeche101.

 

Anyway, monogamy's background, here in the U$A, is that it used to make sense, back when men had jobs, and women were "homemakers." It was up to the man -- the breadwinner -- to choose his bride, and ask her to marry him. She would often say yes, because that meant she would be financially supported...and not an embarrassment to her parents.

 

Things have changed. Women earn money, and sometimes more money than men, even. These days, marriages tend not to last forever, because partners don't always get along, and women aren't forced to tolerate crappy marriages in order to survive, fiscally.

 

Polyamory is a thing, and it's not nearly as taboo as it once was. In fact, nowadays there are tons of different forms of polyamory. There are numerous books on the topic, some of which are even interactive, with check lists for you and your partner to decide what's okay and what's not.

 

Anyway, you say you like the "tempo," of this connection. That's important.

 

For me, personally, I've concluded that the tempo, or pace, of a morphing physical relationship is a key factor. On numerous occasions, I have found a perfect pace, and have noted the perfection, and how great it would be to continue as such. But inevitably, my new friend or partner will enjoy time spent with me, as much as I enjoy time spent with them, and the partner will then start attempting to

 

...

 

pick up the pace. (Aw crap!)

 

And since I enjoy my partner's company so much, it's difficult to say no. But sometimes I do say no, because I don't want to ruin a good thing. Inevitably, it eventually becomes overwhelmingly difficult to say no, and after time, the more we see each other, the less I like my partner.

 

SO! If you like the way things are right now, do everything in your power to resist changing them with this one guy.

 

And yeah, friends are more important than lovers. Friends are there for you when you're devastated by your lover.

 

And if you eventually find yourself seeking another intimate connection, go ahead and talk it over with your lover. Transparency is also important! And actually, it might be best to mention the possibility of polyamory sooner, rather than later, just to make sure you're both open to the idea, should that become a desire.

[android123]

Yeah, keep up the good work! And that perfect rate of speed with this new fella.

 

I think you secured (so far,) exactly what I long for, depeche101.

 

Anyway, monogamy's background, here in the U$A, is that it used to make sense, back when men had jobs, and women were "homemakers." It was up to the man -- the breadwinner -- to choose his bride, and ask her to marry him. She would often say yes, because that meant she would be financially supported...and not an embarrassment to her parents.

 

Things have changed. Women earn money, and sometimes more money than men, even. These days, marriages tend not to last forever, because partners don't always get along, and women aren't forced to tolerate crappy marriages in order to survive, fiscally.

 

Polyamory is a thing, and it's not nearly as taboo as it once was. In fact, nowadays there are tons of different forms of polyamory. There are numerous books on the topic, some of which are even interactive, with check lists for you and your partner to decide what's okay and what's not.

 

Anyway, you say you like the "tempo," of this connection. That's important.

 

For me, personally, I've concluded that the tempo, or pace, of a morphing physical relationship is a key factor. On numerous occasions, I have found a perfect pace, and have noted the perfection, and how great it would be to continue as such. But inevitably, my new friend or partner will enjoy time spent with me, as much as I enjoy time spent with them, and the partner will then start attempting to

 

...

 

pick up the pace. (Aw crap!)

 

And since I enjoy my partner's company so much, it's difficult to say no. But sometimes I do say no, because I don't want to ruin a good thing. Inevitably, it eventually becomes overwhelmingly difficult to say no, and after time, the more we see each other, the less I like my partner.

 

SO! If you like the way things are right now, do everything in your power to resist changing them with this one guy.

 

And yeah, friends are more important than lovers. Friends are there for you when you're devastated by your lover.

 

And if you eventually find yourself seeking another intimate connection, go ahead and talk it over with your lover. Transparency is also important! And actually, it might be best to mention the possibility of polyamory sooner, rather than later, just to make sure you're both open to the idea, should that become a desire.

 

Hey slushy thanks for your response.

 

LOL I haven't secured anything yet. I met him only 3 weeks ago. As of right now he's just a sex partner who I enjoy spending time with because we cover familiar ground. He is 30 and I'm early 20s and he's the type who greatly appreciates his bachelor lifestyle, like I do, so he has potential to leave, but I do hope our connection becomes "secure" haha.

 

Polyamory really comes close to what I think I want, but I wouldn't openly discuss it. Rather I'd let my actions speak for themselves until my "friend(s)" feels the need to acknowledge something. I don't want to feel the need to label the connection(s) that I establish because I think that's when problems start to occur for me, simply because curiosity might get the best of me, and ignorance is bliss :)

 

Is polyamory what you want to achieve?

 

Also I respect your support. This type of talk is somewhat taboo when a female is in favor of a single lifestyle.

[Wiseman2]

Hooking up, casual sex, booty call, short term, etc. are not new nor "unorthodox" or "taboo". It's odd you want a label for this such as "polyamory". Being single and having sex partners is fine. No one has to be in a relationship for that if they don't chose to. So the thread title is odd because it is neither unorthodox nor about love.

As of right now he's just a sex partner who I enjoy spending time with because we cover familiar ground. Polyamory really comes close to what I think I want, but I wouldn't openly discuss it.

[android123]

Hooking up, casual sex, booty call, short term, etc. are not new nor "unorthodox" or "taboo". It's odd you want a label for this such as "polyamory". Being single and having sex partners is fine. No one has to be in a relationship for that if they don't chose to. So the thread title is odd because it is neither unorthodox nor about love.

 

I don't want a label for it; it is what it is. However, this is something that I know a lot of young people do. Lots of older people stop and try to find something else, a potential husband/wife. What I'm wondering is why. Why stop if all else is fine. Is that desire to seek out one special individual really what we want or is it simply cultural? Could that one-to-one love be replaced by freelove? I don't think there is a unique love waiting out there for us. I honestly think it's all the same, we just misinterpret it. That's the direction I'm headed in, but later on I know I'll hit an inevitable plateau about where I stand on this.