Do people realise?

[Rainz]

I'm here at work. It's quiet, and I'm just thinking. It's now been over a month now since my heart got broken at at the moment I am feeling so much better. The hurt and sadness is still there, just that now it's not as raw.

I do miss him and still think about him all the time, no matter what I'm doing.

Reflecting on my experiences, not just with him but all my experiences of heartbreak, heartache etc....Reading these boards and seeing so much of the same experiences happening with other people and stuff.

I have to wonder, do people realise the impact that their behaviour has on others? Especially within relationships? Do they really see the depth and the scale of how their behaviour causes so much heartache on someone else?

I'm not new to the dating and relationships scene, and just when I think I've pretty much seen it all, it never ceases to amaze me the extreme levels of flagrant foul, unacceptable behaviour that people seem to think is okay. It is so sad.

Treat peole the way you wish to be treated.

[Wimpy]

I've been thinking the exact same thing myself.

 

It doesn't make it any better but I wonder how people can be so cruel.

[HajiMaji]

This whole concept amazes me.

[Bluegirl]

You know it's funny. I think we can excuse anything when it comes to our own behaviour. We know when we have acted badly but we rationalise it with our excuses. Even when our friends hurt their partners we will nearly always be understanding of our friends and help them justify why their actions were okay. But when it happens to us, when we get the raw deal, get treated badly we are amazed that our exes could behave that way. My ex, who really did love me for our three year relationship, got terrible cold feet, asked for a break and then while I thought he was 'sorting out his head', he ended up going off with another girl. I am so incredibly hurt by his behaviour but I am pretty sure he has justified it to himself, 'it wasn't working' etc etc. People justify their behaviour because it is too difficult to live with the guilt otherwise. I don't think people set out to be cruel or hurtful during a relationship breakup, I just think it becomes about self-perservation, doing whatever you can to make it easier on yourself. I know he started up with this girl because it was easier than facing his commitment issues. He has a new relationship that is fun and not serious so he is probably feeling fine. I am devastated but I don't think he will ever be able to understand how hurtful he was to do this. He will fool himself into thinking that I will be okay because it's easier for him. I suppose it's a human failing....

[Rainz]

Your perspective on it is interesting, people just seem to take the easy, cowardly way out if you ask me.

If people don't set out to be so hurtful and cruel then why do they behave so callous and mistreat people in the first place?

I genuinely do take into account other people's feelings, even if I'm letting them down. Some things can be more easily accepted depending on how it's done.

Far as I know I've not been the one to cause anyone any major heartache, pain.

If it's not working out, then fair enough, it not working out but that doesn't mean it's ok to go and mistreat the person does it?

Even if I've done wrong, I can face up to my wrongdoing, and show remorse. If my wrong doing has impacted another, I can acknowledge that too.

I just find in my own experience and those around me too many people mistreat others, break their hearts, move on, and just carry on as though it's ok.

No compassion, no remorse, not nothing. Don't even acknowledge what they've inflicted on you.

Meanwhile you or whomever it is is just left to deal with their own pain. It's not right.

Then in some cases, they even have the nerve to try and get back into your life as thought nothing ever went down, then when you're apprehensive you got the problem!! I can't work with it at all.

[djedix]

Honestly, I broke a girls heart once, way back in HS. She was a good girl, and kinda everything I wanted. We became friends because I was trying to get with this other girl, who at the time didn't want anything to do with me. I had to make a decsion on what to do, I was so fed up with tying to get the unintrested one in dating me, i gave up. so I dated this girl who liked me. As soon as the the other one found out... she completely broke down in tears.. we talked towards the end of the day... and one way or another, I ended up breaking up with the new G/F, to still try to get this girl (who eventually we dated for 2 years and had a wonderfull relationship). I totally wrecked the 'good girl' At the time i didn't really care, cuz i was so focused on getting what i wanted, it didnt matter. I look back now and wonder what woulda happened if made the other decesion, where would i be now... it would be intresting to see.

 

I could never do that again, and i hope i don't end up in that type of sit again.

[LilMiss]

My ex and I broke up because he knew I "wasn't the one". He was fully aware of how much I felt for him and how much I wanted to be with him. But as the months wore on he started to feel less into our relationship and slowly his affection died off.

 

Week by week I went to see him and he was more and more distant. He would still kiss and hug me but the feeling behind it was cool. I was the one who brought up the fact that we should stop seeing one another. I didn't want to break up but I knew in my heart, to stay would only hurt me.

 

What I find completely hurtful is that, this guy knew how much I was into him and he didn't have the compassion to let me know he didn't feel the same. He just fed me what my heart wanted to hear.

 

Why would someone who cares for another, let that person walk down a path of pain if they could have lessen the blow. Doesn't he care for me on a very basic level that you don't want people to get hurt?

 

So when I asked him, if you knew this was dying off when were you going to say "maybe we should part", he told me "I wasn't gonna say anything because I was going on what you wanted to do. If you want to continue our relationship like this we will, if not, isn't it better to have loved and lost....right?"

 

My heart broke in pieces when he said this to me.

 

Why would people put others in such positions of pain.....*shake head*

 

But like rainz said, each week it's a bit better the sting is not that bad.

 

 

 

day by day....

[ocean9]

I think that some people are more emotionally mature than others...plus, some people are psychologically messed up, and they just don't think of others the same way a more normal person would. There are cold, mean, selfish, users and abusers out there, that's reality unfortunately. I know that I have to pay way more attention to red flags and not date these people in the first place!

 

If you think back, there were probably warning signs about the person who hurt you. I think that when we are attracted to a person, we ignore or make excuses for all kinds of unacceptable behavior...and then it bites us in the butt later!

[Rainz]

Yeah Ocean, you're very on point with the red flags and emotional maturity perspective.

Me being me now, I sometimes think if I had followed every red flag I'd ever seen I probably wouldn't even have any relationship experience to talk about!

I consider myself to be highly evolved in the emotions department, perhaps that's where my hurtful experiences have come in.....caused me to grow in character.

It makes me wonder how some people are so together and on point in other areas of there personality, then when it comes down to emotional maturity they're such a lost cause....oh well can't have it all eh?

[ocean9]

Me being me now, I sometimes think if I had followed every red flag I'd ever seen I probably wouldn't even have any relationship experience to talk about!

 

LOL! I think that we have to determine what works for us, and then not settle for less. People are who they are...and often what we see IS what we get. For me, I tend to pay way too much attention to a person's "potential" rather than deal with what is right in front of my eyes. My ex had a lot of potential, but she chose not to actualize it...do you see what I mean? I think a lot of "nice" people give others way too much credit. We always find reasons for people's behavior, make excuses, and we work so darn hard at relationships to "make" them work. In my last relationship, more often that not, I was doing the largest share of the work...I won't choose to do that again! Ick!

 

I think it is essential that people forming a relationship have a mutual attraction and are pretty much on the same level...intellectually, emotionally, and in terms of maturity...otherwise, how can it work? It may work for awhile, or be fun for a bit, but then someone (or both people) will end up feeling hurt and disappointed.

 

Whatever happened to having standards? Y'know?

 

I think there are some red flags that shouldn't be ignored though...I've learned that the hard way.

[Rainz]

For me, I tend to pay way too much attention to a person's "potential" rather than deal with what is right in front of my eyes. [/b]

In the past I have done that too...I''d say more out of naievty and being "too nice", mind you I've never understood the whole "your too nice" thing. How can somebody be "too nice"??

 

 

My ex had a lot of potential, but she chose not to actualize it...do you see what I mean? I think a lot of "nice" people give others way too much credit. We always find reasons for people's behavior, make excuses, and we work so darn hard at relationships to "make" them work. In my last relationship, more often that not, I was doing the largest share of the work...I won't choose to do that again! Ick!

 

I agree with you totally, always giving peole the benefit of the doubt etc...but now I'm at a point where I'm thinking you know, you just can't keep making excuses for people can you? "so and so went through this"...."they're not good at coping with pressure and stress"...I'm done with making excuses. If you really want to mistreat someone, then mistreat thos who have mistreated you...don't mistrest those who have done nothing but be nice to you. Just be respectful.

 

Whatever happened to having standards? Y'know?

 

Tell me about it! Doing "the wrong thing" has become more acceptable and "right" than doing the right thing!

 

I think there are some red flags that shouldn't be ignored though...I've learned that the hard way.

I've learned that the hard way too, the thing is this time around for me there were no red flags, didn't see this one coming at all!

[ocean9]

there were no red flags, didn't see this one coming at all!

 

Wow, really? Maybe as more time passes, you will have more clarity?

 

It takes time to get some emotional distance and a more detached, objective perspective...but then again, some people are excellent chameleons and can fool pretty much anyone. There are always lessons though, and it may be too soon for that sort of introspection just yet. Just keep focusing on you to heal from this hurtfulness.

 

I'm sick and tired of making excuses for others as well. The right one for me won't be someone I have to make excuses for!

[brando]

ocean9 wrote

"but then again, some people are excellent chameleons and can fool pretty much anyone"

 

 

True, however the only person these "chameleons canot fool is themselves."

 

Their are no shortcuts in life. Everyone will sooner or later have to face themselves.

 

As for my ex, i wouldnt want to be in her shoes when her day comes. What a rude awakening that awaits her.