What is the best way to proceed with reconciliation?

[fray]

Hi all

My name is Francesca and I am 19 years old. I live in the UK. I began my first relationship in 2015 when I was 16, in year 12 of secondary school, where I met my boyfriend, James, for the first time because we were in the same class. I still remember the first time I saw him; I looked at him bang in the eye and there was this amazing connection and at that moment I just knew. What I knew I couldn't tell you, just that I knew it.

We started talking and then seeing each other and then by the end of September we were together. I was so happy. It was the first time I had ever been in a relationship so I was admittedly very naive; I took for granted that my love and admiration towards him was reciprocated and moved too fast. He became freaked and broke up with me after just under three months, just before Christmas.

I was extremely upset. Not to mention after Christmas we were still in the same class so it was horrific seeing him every single day.

We carried on talking for ages which was a mistake; in my mind I kept thinking we were going to get back together. In the end I realised he didn't want that and that for my own sake I had to cut off contact entirely which I ultimately did do and we did not talk for over a year. In the meantime I had a short relationship with another guy, Tom, in the year below my ex boyfriend which began in the December of 2016. They were in the same rugby team. We dated for a while before I realised that he was not the greatest guy. I ended up kissing another guy while I was with him because I felt that it was the only way to get out of the relationship since he wouldn't let me break up with him. We finally broke up in April of 2017.

In the July of 2017 we had our joint school's Summer Ball at which James and I ended up kissing at the afterparty. After that we ended up getting back together on the most part; we were not girlfriend and boyfriend because he was reluctant to commit but we became exclusive and essentially began dating again. It was the happiest summer of my life.

In the September I noticed that he had began to lose interest again. I was going to university at the end of September and I wanted us to either be together or not anything when I went. In hindsight I suppose I put too much pressure on him. We ended up breaking up again.

In the first week of uni I called him when I was out drunk but he didn't answer because he was asleep. He texted me back in the morning though and after that we began texting, as friends, leaving big gaps between replies. In the meantime I was heartbroken once again that we had not worked and in some weird decision asked Tom to get back with me, to which he, thankfully, said no. Then, when something awful happened to me in late October, James was there and I called him and asked him to help me. We spoke for hours on the phone and it was wonderful and since I was coming home the next week and he was still at home he asked me if we could meet up. I said I would consider it and after a few days he texted me to ask if I was up for it. I agreed.

We went to the cinema together and it was so lovely and we ended up kissing. Afterwards he told me that he had really missed me and asked if we could be together again. I agreed to be exclusive again but not together and to see how it went and that he would come up and see me in London at uni when I went back the following weekend.

We talked loads when I was first back at uni but then he suddenly stopped replying. I tried to reach out to him but he did not respond. After a week he finally admitted it was over with no explanation. I texted him a few times after this but he seemed adamant. This all happened in mid November.

In December I messaged him and asked him to be friends which he seemed positive about. We had a short conversation and then it ended.

In mid January I messaged him 'happy birthday, I hope you have a lovely day' to which he replied 'thank you Fran, you too x'

I just don't know how to proceed. I've been on dates since we broke up but all I can think about is comparing them to James and how he is just better. I miss him so much and it my heart genuinely feels like it's breaking. I am very good friends with one of his friends, we speak every day, and him and James went out recently. He says that he is doing well. I don't want to jeopardise that. And yet I can't help but think that we are better together and that if there was a chance that we could be together we should take it. It is now mid February so it has been a few months...any advice would be appreciated. Is it too early to message him, in a friend way, and see if he'd like to meet up to catch up since I am at home this week?

Thank you for reading, sorry it is so long.

 

EDIT: It is probably worth saying that in a previous relationship his ex girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend, hence his issues with commitment.

[Keyman]

You probably don't want to hear this, but I don't think you and James are going to work out.

 

On and off relationships that begin in high school tend to end very much in the way that this one has. And to be honest, this wasn't working from the beginning, if he broke up with you after 3 months.

 

My suggestion would be to forget about any reconciliation and focus on moving forward. You're in Uni and no doubt there are plenty of guys interested. Take it as a learning experience and move on.

 

Also, if some guy refuses to break up with you, I would suggest not kissing off someone else, as cheating should never be an excuse for anything.