The ex factor

[LondonLad83]

Going to try and make this as brief as possible, but it's quite detailed... so feel free to skip to the end section

 

So I recently started going out with this girl I met over a year ago. We met at a gig and both liked eachother instantly, to the point we made excuses to talk to eachother. We lived in different cities so meeting up is not always easy but we both made a lot of effort. After talking we really got on and had loads in common, went to another gig with her and got very positive signs. Things progressed well, she came out with me and my friends on my birthday and we ended up sleeping on the couch together watching movies, she even offered to share the spare bed at my friend's place. We then did an overnight trip somewhere after which I asked her out on a date and she agreed, kissed her at the end of the date and after that we had a few times of making out though we had always had a fair bit of drink, but she told me sober that she was interested in me.

 

I then asked her out but she said she didn't want to rush it. I was ok with that and we carried on seeing eachother. After that things went a bit weird, didn't see her for a few weeks then we went on holiday together but I really felt she didn't enjoy being there with me and nothing happened between us at all.

 

So after we got back I went to meet her and some friends. One of her friends is her ex. She told me she dated him for a year and they had nothing in common, then after they broke up he went weird and kept turning up at her work so she blocked him for years. Anyway when I went out with her and her friends and he turned up it was kind of like I wasn't there, and she and the ex seemed to get on so well I started to think there was something going on.

 

After that I didn't see her for a couple of months, she'd always say she'd check her work rota but would never get back to me. She went to Paris with he ex and another friend to see their other friend, then about 5 weeks later went to Paris again where the ex also went for a day and a half to meet her and the mutual friend. Before that trip she says she hasn't seen me in ages and do I want to see her on a certain date, turns out she's flying back from Paris with her ex and will be in my town. I don't really want to meet up when he's there so I asked what about when you fly out? So met her and she was telling how her other male friend is asking her if she's getting back with her ex and she says she's not, he's like her gay best mate now and there's nothing there anymore, also he's seeing some other girl and it's annoying her because this girl is messing him around, not saying one way or the other about if she wants to go out with him but still sleeping with him, so I'm thinking yeah but that's what you're doing to me! I end up seeing her and the ex when they fly back as well as I had something to give her and they almost miss their coach back home, after which I tell her she can stay at mine if she needs to and I'm not hitting on her because I figure after 5 months she's not interested anymore and she says she doesn't know what happened but just friends for now makes sense.

 

She then went around Europe doing music festivals and he went and joined her for a while. At this point I am convinced they're back together and that's why she's not interested in seeing me anymore. Anyway she gets back from Europe but has to fly back out again and asks if I want to meet up so I do, and we have a great night out. At one point a friend of hers messaged her about why she was flying out from the city she was, and she took a pic of us and said that's why - she flew from my city so she could see me. I then go to a gig in her city and end up seeing her friends including the ex and though she's friendly with him she spends most of the time with me and talking to me. We then see a lot of each other, she comes back to mine but nothing happens and then we go to a music event and basically end up having sex.

 

After this we see a lot of eachother and nearly always end up kissing or cuddling but I can't ask her out again because she's told me how her ex tried to ask her to go out again and she was really blunt in saying no, plus 2 other male friends keep asking her out too. I give her loads of hints i'm interested but I don't want to push it. She then tells a few people I'm her boyfriend, but when I say maybe that's cos a part of you likes the idea, she says oh I tell people I have boyfriend if they hit on me. But she told a pub of people not hitting on her i was her bf....

 

 

 

================================================================

 

so to cut to the issue finally haha

 

 

A few weeks back we were having a great night out and she asked me out. She said she'd wanted to ask me out ages back when we first met but she had plans to go to Australia for a year and she didn't want to mess me around. But now she wasn't going anymore. However another thing is that her ex had recently moved abroad.

 

So the other night she's saying how she's going to see her friend who lives in the same city as her ex and asked if I was ok with her hanging out with the ex while she's there. So I honestly answered, if there's nothing between you two then no I don't mind.

 

However she answered that the question of them getting back together had come up but it had taken years for them to become friends again so it was better like that, and if anything was going to happen it would have already happened.

 

So I now feel like she must have at least thought about it.... before she had said he asked her and she wasn't interested, but now it sounds like they did have something going on and she decided against it in the end. In which case can I actually trust that it is over? I don't even know if I should care because she did pick me. But she picked me after he moved away. I don't know if I'm plan B or if she was involved with him last summer but I also don't know if or how I can bring this up again. I'm not jealous and I don't want to say who she can see.

 

I mean he's in a different country and they're not going to get together. I think I trust her to not cheat on me if she goes to see him but if she was involved that makes me a bit more worried. I think mainly I'm just worried I was second choice for her. Any opinions on this?

[DanZee]

Well, I don't know what's going on with her either. Her actions indicate she's seeing someone else. If she's not seeing her ex, then she has a fear of intimacy.

 

In any event, this isn't much of a relationship and you should find yourself a nice girl where you live where you can go out on real dates twice or more a week, who you can hang out with watching TV and cuddling with, and being in a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Your girlfriend isn't a girlfriend. She's just someone you know and see occasionally.

[LondonLad83]

Well, I don't know what's going on with her either. Her actions indicate she's seeing someone else. If she's not seeing her ex, then she has a fear of intimacy.

 

In any event, this isn't much of a relationship and you should find yourself a nice girl where you live where you can go out on real dates twice or more a week, who you can hang out with watching TV and cuddling with, and being in a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Your girlfriend isn't a girlfriend. She's just someone you know and see occasionally.

 

 

Well I have seen her quite a lot considering our work situation and where we live, since about August. I saw quite a bit of her initially, it was just this period in between where I'm not sure if she was considering get back with her ex or if anything happened with them. She basically blew a lot of money on hanging out with me including 2 trips abroad late last year

 

I actually see her more than anyone else I know and she sees me a lot more than anyone else. But I can't see her every week as it's just not possible at the moment. The thing is I've been single 4 years and so has she, it's been really hard to find anybody that i really clicked with. I figure either she has deep feelings for me or she's started dating me cos her ex has moved. I just don't know if I should find out whether she actually got with him last year or whether that doesn't matter now she's with me.

[DanZee]

Don't ask about her past. Just care about the history you've made with her. Just go with it. Even if you're a rebound relationship, her ex is out of the picture. It's just too bad you can't see her more because some other guy can sneak in there. But don't ask questions, just enjoy her company.