Realizing I'm not over my ex and I'm in my second relationship since..

[InLuvWithLuv]

Okay, so I've been told I'm addicted to relationships.. I don't believe it's an addiction as much as I just wanted to find true love so much that I jumped from relationship to relationship looking for "the one". I've been in LTRs since I was 16 years old.. I think the longest I've been single has been 5 months.. maybe. After one relationship ended.. I would jump right into another one. The problem was.. I always ended up in a toxic relationship. I was the nurturer or the fixer.. I ended up with people who had real, deep-seeded issues and a lot of those relationships ended up with me as a punching bag. I was always quick to get over my last relationship with a new one. In 2011, I thought I met the love of my life.. and this person abused me the most.. and I never loved anyone the way I loved her. After a tumultuous five year relationship, I finally left her in January 2016 after finding out she was cheating on me.. again.

In April 2016 I began dating someone new.. that person showed me a lot of love.. showered me with gifts.. treated me like a princess.. I wasn't used to it. I liked the way she treated me, but I didn't feel mutually attracted to her. I thought maybe if I just gave it more time, I could fall in love with her. We moved way too quick in that relationship and she asked me to move in with her in July 2016. Things were pretty good at first.. I wasn't in love, but I was content...but we really didn't know much about each other.. as time went on, we realized we had nothing in common. We weren't interested in the same things.. Issues that were important to me were not important to her and vise versa. She was head over heels for me though, but instead of me appreciating her for her, I would find myself irritated/annoyed with everything about her.. and her affection really turned me off. I never felt that I would be capable of loving her as much as I loved my ex before her. Honestly, I never felt I could love anyone else that way. I pushed her away.. and then she cheated too.. I take fault for that one. I pushed her into the arms of someone else. We broke up in April 2017.. Almost exactly on our one year anniversary.

 

Alright.. after that one, I really felt I needed some psychological help... but I didn't seek it.

 

If you're still reading.. 1. I commend you. 2. You probably think I'm nuts. I am. We all are a little, right?

 

In May 2017 I started dating someone new. But this honestly has been the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. And I'm happy, really happy. We fit in so many ways.. We even have the same last name! Crazy, right?! She is super in love with me and I'm super in love with her. We are interested in all the same things... we've already traveled together twice and had such amazing experiences! My family adores her and we are planning on moving in together next month. Everything feels right this time.

 

But I'm still struggling. About three weeks ago, I found out my ex (the first one I mentioned who I loved so deeply), married the woman she cheated on me with. It was like a knife stabbed me right in the scar that was left in my heart.. The one I thought was healed has been cut open again.

 

As happy as I am now.. Knowing fully that that person was not right for me and that I may have finally found the perfect match I've been looking for.. why do I feel heartbroken all over again?

I keep having dreams about my ex and waking up depressed. I can't figure out why. It's been nearly two years since we separated and that hurt still feels so fresh.

 

I don't know what to do.. I tried talking to my current partner about it once, but it hurt her. She felt that if I was truly happy now in my relationship, then I shouldn't care what my ex does with her life. I needed an outlet.. somewhere I could express my feelings where no one knows me or anyone involved.. where there wouldn't be a bias and I could just let this out.. even just in writing it all down.

 

Honestly, it feels a little better already. I just wish I could let all the hurt from my past go and move on fresh to be happy and healthy. I guess all I can do is give it time.

[90_hour_sleep]

It hurts, because it never healed. You were distracted, so it hurt less, and gradually became less noticeable. That wound never got the attention it needed.

 

Your current partner is right. Emotionally healthy people don't feel torn open when past partners move on with their lives. If you feel secure in yourself, that news will stir feelings, but feelings of a different nature.

 

Sounds like you've been chasing highs. Intensely focussed on the good feelings and stifling everything else. That kind of thing catches up with you eventually. When the high wears off, you'll find yourself looking for that stimulation elsewhere. Or finding reasons why the current relationship isn't working for you. It's a turbulent way to live.

 

I don't usually say stuff like this, but have you considered that you're maybe not in a position to give another person what she needs in a relationship right now? It might feel great at the moment, but you have such a seemingly shaky foundation. What happens when the relationship becomes challenging (and it will). What skills will you draw on? Where will you find support?

 

We're resilient creatures. And just the fact that you're here writing this, it means you have a degree of self-awareness.

 

Life has a way of providing us with many opportunities to overcome things that are challenging. You have awareness and opportunity.

 

Are there counselling services where you live? Can be amazingly cathartic to just talk with someone whose job it is to listen.

[SweetGirl28]

I've been right where you are now . When I heard my first love got married, it set me back, even though I had

moved on. It hurt for a long time because I truly loved him. Years later, we are both divorced and have been

in other relationships. That love is still there, we are good friends , but can't be together. I fell in love and have

been apart from my recent ex for seven months now, and I still love him. I can't go back. He's trying but I don't want to

suffer the pain again of losing him. I dream of him when he contacts me, and your dream stirred up feelings and

hearing she got married put her in the forefront of your mind. It's normal to feel the way you do.

You will find in time that it won't hurt you as much, and you will think of her less. I was in a happy place in life

when my ex married, and it still hurt just as much as when I had to let him go. And I hadn't been thinking of him

much, I was going about my life.

Embrace your gf, find comfort in the fact you share a mutual love and are happy together. You have every

opportunity for a beautiful life of your own with her. I know it hurts, but it will ease up. I promise.