Finding my spark again.

[Nomorehappy]

My relationship has ruined me. I used to be a confident and outgoing person, strong and fearless yet kind and warm with a big heart.

 

Thanks to my soon to be ex partner of 7 years, I’m now shy, have zero confidence, could not care less what I look or dress like. I’m always worried I am doing something wrong or will screw up. I’m always on edge and easily startled. I’m anxious and timid. I never speak my mind and pull out all stops to be the nice girl and not stand up for myself.

 

If you look at me and look at my partner, people would say I could do so much better. I could find someone who is kind and caring, who values me and my needs.

 

He has destroyed me, and I’m slowly working back to my old self. My escape plan is well into implementation. I’m trying to take better care of myself. I visualize my life with a great man. I’m trying very hard to improve myself in light of what I’m facing in the present.

 

If anyone has been though something similar, I’d love to hear what helped you.

[DanZee]

It sounds like you've been emotionally abused. Summon all your strength and get out. I'm guessing your bf has told you you're worthless or that you're stupid or that you can't take care of the house. It's all lies. You do have to put yourself together again. You can do it! First of all, don't jump immediately into a new relationship. Just take care of yourself first.

 

I read your previous posts, and the fear with what you're doing is that you will continue to hang on and stay with your bf. Emotional abuse also creates emotional dependency and a lot of people never take that step out the door to never come back. You have to do it. As people have recommended, have your mom or a sister or a brother or an aunt or uncle help you out of the house. You take away your bf's power when you're with someone else. Part of the abuse is to isolate you from friends and family. You just need the strength to finally do it.

[Keyman]

I agree with DanZee that you and many women tend to jump back into the saddle as a means to feel good about yourself. Of course that will help at some level, I mean having men chasing you, telling you you're beautiful and trying to get with you has to have a some effect on your self esteem, but it will not resolve the issues behind it.

 

As a male, I often wish there was similar that would happen to men after a break up to make us feel a little better about ourselves, but we have to suck up our bad feelings and get back out on the hunt with the anticipation of rejection to help us feel good about ourselves.

 

My suggestion would be to go it alone for a while. I know the thought won't be relished, but it is needed. You need to get to know yourself again, build that self esteem without the need to have some male bumping it up for you. I understand there is the ticking of that bodyclock happening also, but you need to be able to enter a relationship that is healthy for you going forward and not one that makes you feel better now. You need to resolvesyour inner issues and baggage from this relationship before moving forward, and the best way to do this is not by throwing yourself into another one. Heal, grow and be and allow your spark to return when it is ready, not when because you are alone.

[Nomorehappy]

I agree with DanZee that you and many women tend to jump back into the saddle as a means to feel good about yourself. Of course that will help at some level, I mean having men chasing you, telling you you're beautiful and trying to get with you has to have a some effect on your self esteem, but it will not resolve the issues behind it.

 

As a male, I often wish there was similar that would happen to men after a break up to make us feel a little better about ourselves, but we have to suck up our bad feelings and get back out on the hunt with the anticipation of rejection to help us feel good about ourselves.

 

My suggestion would be to go it alone for a while. I know the thought won't be relished, but it is needed. You need to get to know yourself again, build that self esteem without the need to have some male bumping it up for you. I understand there is the ticking of that bodyclock happening also, but you need to be able to enter a relationship that is healthy for you going forward and not one that makes you feel better now. You need to resolvesyour inner issues and baggage from this relationship before moving forward, and the best way to do this is not by throwing yourself into another one. Heal, grow and be and allow your spark to return when it is ready, not when because you are alone.

 

 

Oddly enough, the thought of being alone for some time excites me. I have no desire to have children of my own so I couldn’t care less about that aspect. I cannot wait to travel alone, work on myself, have new adventures etc.

 

I have no desire to get back into things. I have a lot of work to do before that can happen.

[Keyman]

Oddly enough, the thought of being alone for some time excites me. I have no desire to have children of my own so I couldn’t care less about that aspect. I cannot wait to travel alone, work on myself, have new adventures etc.

 

I have no desire to get back into things. I have a lot of work to do before that can happen.

 

I think that is the right attitude. You are where I was 6 years ago. I went on to backpack solo around the world for the 5 years that followed. Learned so much about myself, life and the world. That was the happiest time of my life and I did it for myself and by myself, but then you are never truly alone while backpacking.

 

Find your centre in yourself and build and grow from that place. Never look back!