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A world so much like myself.


henrysearch60

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Today it got to the point where I thought about giving up on trying to connect with people. It felt so overwhelming and I felt so hopeless about myself, like a lost cause. A little while later my thoughts started to chill out and began to wonder about the initiative part of relationships. Perhaps there just isn't enough actual initiative on my part. I know there has been real progress from a consciousness level but it's extremely hard to take initiative in talking with others. There's always that wonder that i'm doing something overbearing or abusive. Now it's getting overwhelming again. I just wish there was some positive reinforcement when I reached out to others. Historically, whenever I said something to someone they either seemed to not hear it or ignored it. That tends to feed my self-feeding wheel of negativity. Today, however, I did notice that when the focus was on projecting my voice out without concern for nerves/anxiety then things went a little smoother.

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A string of relapses into vice occurred over the past week or so. I can't think precisely at this point. Strangely, instead of pushing me back into acquiescence and stagnation these relapses have added to the fire for change. It's as if the heightened contradiction between old habit/failures and new spirit have worked together in a way that is creating greater possibility for change. I can feel it slowly emerging if only in the mental/spiritual field. There is an essence within that demands release. The negatives are 1: deterioration of awareness and energy and 2. intense frustration/anger at various points in the day. It feels that the longer this continues there is a certain element of gamble involved. Overall, I think it can not last and a long break from vice will be necessary to cool things down. Hopefully tomorrow is the beginning of this long break.

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Mkay, life seems to be more progressive towards improving social relations but at a slow rate. I've started reading a book on alienation that serves as a good follow up from reading about Hegel's Phenomenology. This new book articulates the alienated perspective in a way that has allowed me to think in a more clear and less frustrated way. I knew when I ordered it that this was what was needed at this time in my life. Socializing isn't some forced extraction from my being by a foreign being but instead socializing is more of a need that, when done by me, helps create a world that is of my creation. I hope that makes sense to whoever reads this journal.

 

One more thing. One night I dreamed of becoming part of a social circle in a bar type atmosphere. I knew of it through a female coworker who drank there. I didn't drink but thought I'd try joining for socializing purposes. For some reason we all slept there at night. Sometimes you'd go home but other times you could sleep there. One night I walked around naked for some reason. During this time I ran into a naked blonde woman and we incidentally kissed. Her lips were strangely hard but nice. As I awkwardly walked away she said that I got her going and that I had to "take care of it." Other people awoke and said that this was actually a rule of the club. I had to sign a contract with the owner of the establishment before this woman and I had sex. I woke up from this whole dream right after I signed.

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The past few days have been a little tumultuous, internally speaking. How am I supposed to interact and get a girlfriend with such minuscule levels of initiative and trust? When I say trust it isn't just my own but others as well. It seems that after every mass shooting there are people who become more suspicious and fearful of me than usual. This fear helps nobody. The fear we have of each other can't make social relations better but further worsen them. The good news is it tends to blow over a bit over time and people start acting more normal. I can't be calm, relaxed, and take initiative with others when I can almost taste their fear of me. Come to think of it, there are probably some people out there who could say the same to me. I'm trying though. I'll admit, i'm an introvert that does need alone time to recharge but it doesn't mean I want to be alienated from society or from knowing my social actions count. I guess the only thing left to say is a primordial RAWR!

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For some reason it feels like things are just getting worse. In public I feel even more closed off from other people. Everything appears to be a waste. I feel so incompetent. There is no one that can help. Tonight i'll double my depression medication dosage. Hopefully that does something to alleviate the pain.

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The great change has begun. I'm starting to feel like one person throughout my life experiences instead of a series of masks forced upon me by each new situation. There is less stress and worry when in public. In this moment it appears that the internal pain and disruptions I've experienced serve as the birth pangs of a new form of existence. It's been a week vice free.

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Not much to say but thought I'd put something up. Several missed opportunities have occurred but so have a few capitalized opportunities. I started, once again, reading out loud a little per day in order to become more used to speaking and comfortable hearing myself speak. Sometimes it really helps getting my mouth in "shape" so that I'm not stumbling or slurring a few words when I have to talk. Whether or not it builds assertiveness remains to be seen. My practices have tended to be sporadic in the past.

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Three people, one guy and two girls. These are the people close to my age that have continuously greeted me the past few years when they noticed I was around. They come to mind due to their consistency and the fact that they don't make me feel like I'm less of a person than more social people, intentionally or otherwise. I knew one girl and the guy in high school. The second girl is a bit of a mystery. I creeped on her facebook profile to figure out who she is but all I know is that she went to the same high school as me but she's a few years older. She always calls me by name even though I"m pretty sure we never had any conversations ever. She's married with kids and appears to be the friendly mom/wife/community member person. The other girl was in the same grade level throughout grade school and high school. I was never really interested in her but she was always nice, pretty much to everyone. A couple times she encouraged me to smile more and show myself more because I had a good smile and had something to show people or something. It never amounted to anything because of the isolation was so deeply entrenched in those days that nothing could ever get through to me.

 

It wasn't until after a suicidal period, hospitalization, therapy, starting depression medication, and working at a job being around tons of people every day for a few years that I realized my shell was impenetrable. It was up to me to try and chip away from the inside. A few things started to develop when I went on a path of fighting against my vice. Even though I continued to struggle the struggle slowly pushed me out of a stagnant and lethargic period. Today, the fear still exists. I don't know if I'm capable of starting a romantic relationship by myself or not. Progress, however, is definitely within my capability. Reading about alienation helps identify a few things to change cognitively. It's probably not that good to live inside my head but the reality of it is that FOR NOW it seems like the only place that my true self is truly welcome to reside.

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It's strange to be without real connections and to see connections others make as if it was nothing. It feels like I lost something without actually losing something. There is also the feeling of being left tied into it. To my credit I've spoken up much more than usual lately. One concern of mine is a coworker. I sort of have a thing for her even though she's engaged and has a kid. Of course, nothing can come of this so it is more of a matter of watching what I say and not thinking out loud about her at work, in case she overhears my true feelings somehow. It's extremely hard to take initiative with available girls. Saying this is more of an explanation, however small, and not an excuse. Progress must be made in this area, again.... however small.

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Progress is slow but when it comes it feels fairly sure footed. There were a few things I wanted to say but completely forgot them. Anyways, today there was a brief conversation with a stranger while I was going to an appointment. It didn't feel as awkward or frightening as former encounters with strangers whenever I am out. A certain balance between optimism and realism was felt. When I get too optimistic it leads to naive delusions that, when shattered, further lead to intense negative emotions which causes disengagement with others. When I get too focused on negatives and bad outcomes then it also leads me to negative emotions that hold me back from being engaged with others. Also, it's been about three and a half weeks vice free.

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It feels appropriate to offer a few thoughts on an increasingly relevant topic, especially as it applies to me; the topic of incels. Incel stands for involuntarily celibate. I don't call myself one out of technical difficulty. I do feel compelled in celibacy but at the same time recognize my own self defeating beliefs, excessive negativity, and excessive inwardness as inhibitors to social interaction. The driving forces of frustration come in the form of severe fear, inability to relax and talk spontaneously to people, paranoia in regarding people as alienating forces that are out to get me, and self-hatred. Whenever you desire something greatly (because it's natural for human beings to desire love, intimacy, and friendship) but come to find these goals are out of reach in your present state then it can lead to believing yourself to be incompetent, hopeless, and helpless. This is important not just because of the sufferer but also because self hatred has a habit of severely reducing the empathy a person has for other people. These are overemphasized dramatizations. Yes, the feelings are real but the beliefs that ratchets them up are overemphasized. Many people act the way they do because they are in a hurry, have something going on in their lives at the moment, or are just in a certain mood. These reasons are mitigated by time itself.

 

Immature prejudices also have a way of being minimized as people grow out of their teens and post teen period. Life is not as static as it seems. People mature and so must I. I've struggled with self-esteem, fear, paranoia (this comes some from being schizotypal though), and severe lack of initative/ calmness while interacting. My vice leads to more anxiety and being inhibited so working on it has helped. Spontaneity is important too. Social relations have improved although it continues to be a struggle. One recommendation about incels that seems solid is the idea of outreach programs to help integrate those who feel alienated. I'm not sure what these programs would look like but there should be something to at least attempt reconciliation between the haves and the have nots. Finally, challenging self defeating prophecies was one of the things that I learned in therapy that I use now in order to not let disappointment become a downward spiral.

 

I hope those who read this don't take this as too political. It just seems to be a topic of growing concern and one in which I cannot completely separate myself from even though I don't identify myself an

an incel on technical grounds.

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Despite progress there is still an initiative barrier to socializing. I'm not exactly sure why it's so hard to take initiative. Some of it surely comes from schizotypal issues. However, I know that it's not a catch all for everything. What exactly will happen if I do say something? Will they resent me for it? Why would they? This is a hangup that just doesn't seem to go away. I've had a little practice with it but no amount has made it easier. Inside I still feel something oppressive in the air. The level of intimidation has decreased quite a bit but it's clearly not enough. Now i'm remembering the times when others took initiative for me. Was that wrong? Of course not. Neither is my voice, opinions, or feelings. Application to the real world means everything.

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A couple days of mostly rest have came and gone. Now I'm starting to feel loneliness and feelings of inadequacy creep back in. I don't want to be a sad puppy that people have to feel sorry for (it's insulting) but not having connections wears on you. Today, I read that facebook will start a dating feature. This makes me feel a little optimistic that maybe there will be opportunities for me in the future. Most of the time I feel like there is next to no opportunity for me to really connect with others on a romantic level. Many women give me the impression that they're afraid of me or suspicious of me. I know a large part of it has to do with the rampant sexual harassment that goes on in society. Still, I don't know where to look or what optimism can be gained.

 

This probably isn't making any sense to those of you who read this. Much of what I share online here and elsewhere feels like I'm blowing into the wind. Small steps are reached but where are they leading? When will I see results? I want to reach out to someone but there is nobody. Maybe reaching out is worthless. Maybe I have to leave others behind and go inside myself. Do what is best for me. Now I'm even sure what I'm saying.

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The last sentence of my last post should be: now i'm not even sure what i'm saying. Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good about keeping a myself in check around the engaged woman at work mentioned earlier. I have thoughts about her from time to time, especially when I see her around, but I don't speak them out loud. Today, I was talking to my boss about work stuff and while she was talking I noticed a customer behind her, also female. Somehow I felt like there was something in the air between me and the customer. Earlier she passed me and looked a little flustered for some reason. I would have said hello but she was a little too far off and went fast. On another occasion I passed a former coworker and her mom, I think it was her mom. They seemed friendly enough but I couldn't muster a greeting. The only thing to do was to let it go and use it as motivation for NOT allowing myself to get too pent up.

 

It doesn't matter how long I've known someone or how many times they've talked to me in the past. It's always a struggle to communicate the simple things that most people take for granted. Many times it feels like a steep painful climb is needed in order to relate to someone other than myself. I really shouldn't dwell on this any longer. The negative feelings can become a great hindrance. Reading can take my mind off things and later refocus. Yes, at least in books I can feel another essence in a kind way.

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Tonight the loneliness started to physically hurt. I just wish I didn't have to put more work in than others and still get nothing for it while they see results. Sometimes it feels as though I've projected my difficulty on others and I can see their extreme difficulty in socializing around me. Imagine feeling that difficulty your entire life. There's not very much positive to say.

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I recently broke my vice free streak. It went 36 days. That's pretty good, all things considered, so it shouldn't be too much of a downer. Hopefully, a new long streak is right around the corner. Now, the really bad news is from work. There's a new girl who I started having an interest in but today I'm 99% sure that she has a boyfriend. This almost made me sick to my stomach. My insides churned a little with this realization. I know I'm not entitled to be with everyone I have an interest in, or any one individual for that matter, but it's that EVERY GIRL I had an interest in had a boyfriend, is engaged, or married. After a while of having no relationships AT ALL you feel sick with disappointment. It's hard not to feel that your love just isn't welcome with any woman that you would have an interest in.

 

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Well, I'm sick of having never loved at all.

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Today was a day of progress. I received advice from a facebook group two days ago that helped push me to a new stage of social development. It allowed me to act less analytically and more casually around other people. At times I truly feel a part of people in general and the community. This is very refreshing. There is still a ways to go but progress has returned.

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I'm not sure if I'll keep posting on here for long. I found a group on facebook that is becoming more familiar to me.

Plans at this point are as follows.

1. Get out more to places I don't know.

2. Work to be more sociable in public but also try to relax. It hasn't worked by trying to force it. Stress relieving techniques might be handy.

3. Try a dating site and see where it goes.

4. Continue with my journey of vice management.

5. Allow more positivity and less negativity.

6. Don't analyze social relations so much. It just works me into dead ends and excessive anxiety.

 

Well, that's about all I have to say about that.

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