Getting back with someone who lost feelings?

[HollyHanes1]

I am 19 and in college and have been best friends with this guy for years since high school. I always felt an energy between us, kind of like I knew we’d end up together, but wasn’t pining after him. He was with this girl on and off for nearly a year during high school, they were never official and she was always getting with other guys and treating him badly but he was loyal to her. During this time myself and this guy got together during a drunken night out but just kind of laughed it off. There was also another time at a party where we nearly got together but I backed away cause he was still kind of seeing this girl even though she didn’t care if he was with other people.

So anyway, this girl goes to college half an hour away and she breaks up with him. He is pretty heartbroken. A couple months later he tries to get with me and I refuse because I didn’t feel like he was over her. Another month later he tries again and this time we go for it. We are then together for the next year and are so strong, never even having an argument. He is still friends with this other girl but I never doubted he was completely in love with me. Then college comes around. I move two and a half hours away and he goes to the same place as his ex, and lives across the road from her.

The first couple months are good, we see each other every week. But people message me saying he’d been spending time with his ex and I bring it up with him. He says that his roommates are all into drugs and things so to escape that he went to hers to hang out but there was always a big group of them, so I let it go.

Anyway, I had moved away by myself, I was so lonely and living by myself. Really struggling with my college course and my mum was also really sick, later having to go to hospital. But he had gone to college with all our friends, was out every night and he started to put everything above me. I’d tell him I needed to talk about something and he’d say okay but next thing I know he’s at a club with his friends. But I loved him so much I just let it slide. When it’s finally brought up he says he’s not sure about his feelings etc but doesn’t want to lose me. We say we’ll be more communicative. Two weeks later he comes down for a visit and we chat like normal for an hour and then he breaks up with me. I tell him how badly he’s treated me and he clearly feels very guilty but he leaves anyway, not even a kiss or a hug.

6 days later, having not spoken since, I get a text saying that he’s been at his ex’s. I drunk text him asking him about it and it’s just the same thing that he said before and that nothing has happened between them.

We don’t talk for two weeks. I get another text saying that rumors at home are going around that he cheated on me etc etc so my best friend texts him and he said he never cheated on me and nothing is going on, I believe him. I was so sick of this constantly being brought up I texted him to ask if I could ring him, I just wanted to put everything to bed and try to move on, but he ignored my text.

 

Next thing I come home for Christmas where I go out for a night out 3 times. The first night, we ignore each other and there is just one very awkward passing hello. The second night we spend a lot of time together, we talk everything through and he tells me again that the spark had just gone but that he really did love me. I tell him about the times he treated me badly, so he would know not to do it in future relationships. And I just tell him for his own self respect, not for me, that it wouldn’t be a good idea to get back with his ex when she treated him so badly. He says he doesn’t want to and that she was even out that night and he didn’t have any desire to. We chat like we always have before, like best friends again like the way it always was. We walk to the club together, he gives me his jacket and offers his arm for me to hold onto as it was wet and raining. He pays For me to get into the club and we get drinks. He guides me around the club with his hand on my waist sometimes. We just kind of have a laugh with other people etc. then on the bus home we sit beside each other and I’m falling asleep. He asks if I’m okay and then kind of motions for a cuddle. I lay with my head on his chest and then he strokes my arm. We look at each other and kiss. He then says ‘that was for being so understanding, you’re such a great person.’ We kiss again before I get off the bus. Then the third night out we barely talk, but he does tell me I look really nice, and I sit beside him on the bus home again (I’m weak!!) but we just chat and fall asleep, no cuddling or touching this time.

 

Since then, we have not spoken once. When we first broke up I deleted him off Facebook and Instagram. Still have him on Snapchat though.

 

I’d like to know what you all think of the situation, like did the ‘spark’ leave because of the distance and different lifestyles? And if that’s the reason, is there a chance for us when we have grown and settled down a bit ? Or have his feelings really died? Or did his ex have a part to play? I just always had this gut feeling and intuition that we would be together, and I was right - my initiation is generally spot on! I still feel like we should Be together but I’m worried my intuition is being confused by my high emotions and the fact I was the dumpee!

 

Thanks for all your thoughts sorry it’s so long!

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry OP, but this is not looking good.

 

He likes you, but not enough to continue a relationship with you, unfortunately. His behavior prior to the breakup also reflects that; he is distracted by college life and his new surroundings, and is prioritizing that. I also suspect he does in fact still have feelings for his ex, given how often they apparently talk and see each other. You two are still very young, and have plenty of life left to explore before either of you settles down. I have a feeling he never got over his ex, so while she might not be trying to get back with him, I believe he still holds a torch for her, yes.

 

Intuition is not a reliable predictor when it comes to relationships. Have a look around on these threads to see how many others have a "feeling" they'll wind up with their ex, only to be proven wrong when said ex moves on.

 

I think I would work on letting him go, so you can find a guy closer to you who doesn't have a "friendly" ex across the street. You deserve to be someone's priority, rather than his option.

[HollyHanes1]

This was the wake up call I needed - thank you!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she's his first choice, even though he cheated on her with you. And now he cheated on you with her. It may be best to forget him and date local guys who are loyal and honest and don't keep using you as a backup plan.

he was loyal to her. During this time myself and this guy got together during a drunken night out

rumors at home are going around that he cheated on me etc etc