A rebound relationship?

[snkv]

Hello to all!

 

So, I had a pretty nasty breakup from a 8 year relationship, I've started dating another girl, everything was going well for about an year. She was fully aware of my situation, but just as I achieved closure with my ex girlfriend, there was a week and a half radio silence from the other girl. And one day she messaged me that she is in a relationship now. I was beyond stunned. We've talked about our previous life experiences, and she told me about an older guy, with whom she had a fling back in the day, but he was always unavailable for her, because he was always busy with different things.

 

Long story short, he is back in her life, and she suddenly started to feel as "the backup plan" or something like that, for me. I have invested so much time, money and effort in building this new relationship, whilst she decided to get back to that other person, as if by magic. They are together for about 4 months now, I have lost all hope of getting back together, she told me things that I did not want to hear, or actually did not imagined I would hear. She told me "things are as they are, we can't change that" , "I want to give this new relationship another try" , "but hey, no one said we can't be together in the future" , "me and you, we are a perfect match, but this other thing happened, so..".

 

I immediately started NC on the first 2 weeks of her new relationship, and up until 21 Dec 2017 she was contacting me for random reasons, just to tie up small talk. So I need her to stop contacting me, so I deleted/blocked her on all social media. Then she contacts me saying "I did not expect that from you, this made me extremely sad, explain the reason". I did not manage to hold my feelings the last time, and I told her that it is hurting me to even think about her. She said she understands, and despite that, she contacted me again for Christmas. However, she did not contact me on NYE, so I guess it is all over now.

 

Trouble is, I can't stop thinking about her, no matter what, and this is driving me insane. Hope arises each day, despite my trial and error to suppress it.

 

My main thoughts on this is, that the other guy was feeling desperate, and got his luck while she felt down at some point, and this is some kind of a rebound relationship, since she was contacting me throughout the whole time they were together. What should I do?

[pippy longstocking]

I hope you can get yourself to a place where you don't want her even if it doesn't work out with him because all you will be is the back up guy and believe me if she thinks she can come running for you to wipe her tears ...she will . You might think that's a great future but she will only be using you to get past that hurdle in her life .

 

To actually say to you

 

"I want to give this new relationship another try" , "but hey, no one said we can't be together in the future"

 

what arrogance , what arrogance to think she can stroll back into your life in the future , you need to see this for what it is mate .

 

Do the blocking again and fk her and what she prefers you do , time to put yourself first and wipe her out of your life for good .

[snkv]

I hope you can get yourself to a place where you don't want her even if it doesn't work out with him because all you will be is the back up guy and believe me if she thinks she can come running for you to wipe her tears ...she will . You might think that's a great future but she will only be using you to get past that hurdle in her life .

 

To actually say to you

 

 

 

what arrogance , what arrogance to think she can stroll back into your life in the future , you need to see this for what it is mate .

 

Do the blocking again anf fk her and what she prefers you do , time to put yourself first and wipe her out of your life for good .

 

 

She even told me "at least no one died".

[pippy longstocking]

She even told me "at least no one died".

 

good grief she is a real charmer

[Wiseman2]

What should I do?

Keep doing this and don't be her backup plan:

I immediately started NC . I deleted/blocked her on all social media.

[JoyfulCompany]

As to your original question - I fully agree with the others. NC and if she somehow succeeds to reach you again, maybe politely tell her not to do it anymore.

 

However, I have a remark on the whole story. You say you invested "so much time, money and effort in building this new relationship" but were you in a relationship at all?

By your first thread, I was left with the impression you broke with your LT girlfriend just around September and that has also been the time this new girl started her relationship with the other guy. If that is correct, I don't know what you were expecting. You weren't even together. Thus, using the term 'rebound' is even funny. Rebounding after what exactly?

 

I won't comment on having someone on the side, while still in your LT and LD relationship...

 

I think you'll benefit from taking some time for yourself and reflecting on everything that happened last year (with a focus on your part).

God, what a mess it must have been!

[snkv]

As to your original question - I fully agree with the others. NC and if she somehow succeeds to reach you again, maybe politely tell her not to do it anymore.

 

However, I have a remark on the whole story. You say you invested "so much time, money and effort in building this new relationship" but were you in a relationship at all?

By your first thread, I was left with the impression you broke with your LT girlfriend just around September and that has also been the time this new girl started her relationship with the other guy. If that is correct, I don't know what you were expecting. You weren't even together. Thus, using the term 'rebound' is even funny. Rebounding after what exactly?

 

I won't comment on having someone on the side, while still in your LT and LD relationship...

 

I think you'll benefit from taking some time for yourself and reflecting on everything that happened last year (with a focus on your part).

God, what a mess it must have been!

 

I was in a LD relationship in my head only. I was literally committed mentally, but everything was only a mutual promise (which was only stable on my half..). I was trying not to leave anyone feeling bad, and I got tricked. This has nothing related to cheating or infidelity.

[shessofly]

I was in a LD relationship in my head only. I was literally committed mentally, but everything was only a mutual promise (which was only stable on my half..). I was trying not to leave anyone feeling bad, and I got tricked. This has nothing related to cheating or infidelity.

 

So you weren’t giving her your all anyway since you were in a different relationship in your head, is that correct? Regardless, nC is best. Stop communicating with her stop taking her calls, messages, email, Facebook post, etc.

[JoyfulCompany]

Infidelity is not necessarily physical. And how committed is someone that is actively preparing his plan B in the meantime? And in the end is grieving his plan B failure.

 

What you need to see is you weren't "tricked" or betrayed. You were acting pretty much in the grey zone and you got burned. And that's no surprise.

The only thing in common with the two complicated situations was you in the middle. Don't try to fall into "a victim of circumstances" thinking. Own your responsibility and, if you want something true and meaningful next time, do it right. As harsh as it may sound, "half here half there" only creates chaos and heartache. You can do better. Good luck!

[snkv]

Infidelity is not necessarily physical. And how committed is someone that is actively preparing his plan B in the meantime? And in the end is grieving his plan B failure.

 

What you need to see is you weren't "tricked" or betrayed. You were acting pretty much in the grey zone and you got burned. And that's no surprise.

The only thing in common with the two complicated situations was you in the middle. Don't try to fall into "a victim of circumstances" thinking. Own your responsibility and, if you want something true and meaningful next time, do it right. As harsh as it may sound, "half here half there" only creates chaos and heartache. You can do better. Good luck!

 

I not thinking of myself as a victim, no one owes me nothing, I am just wondering how people can change their meanings so fast, even though they stood heavily behind their statements. How does one trust anyone after this?

[shessofly]

I think you are right about the emotional affair. I have been losing sleep for a good 3 weeks now. My girlfriend knows I am going out with that other girl, but I have shown her multiple times that I am not doing anything.

 

This girl was your backup plan for your lonely times. She did nothing wrong. You were never together. She started dating this guy while you were still in limbo with your gf. What did she do? Promise to wait around while you figured out what was happening with your relationship ? Tell me what missing here. You admit to an emotional affair in your first thread here. You were never anything because you had a gf. Looks like you were the one trying to rebound.

[snkv]

I met her at a strange time of my life, we just clicked and bonded. I was afraid that I am going to miss a person that I truly am connected with, while I could not act upon hurting another person, but all of this played a nasty game with my life. I never intended to use her as a back-up plan. My actual gf broke up too-easily with me (over phone) and there was no room left for emotion there, and I was happy to get together with the other girl without guilt. But... this happened.

 

I might just be venting now, everything is beyond over, and I know it. It is interfering my daily life in so many ways. I have tried talking to my closest friends and family, but nothing helps. It has been 4 months now. I am literally going on autopilot, work, exercise, eat, sleep, repeat. Work is feeling like a burden, while it was a thing I enjoyed. It feels like I will never meet a better person, ever.

[shessofly]

It is because you continue to maintain contact with her. This is within your control. Block her phone number, emails, and social media...and if she does manage to get a hold of you don't respond. I think this has dragged on long enough, don't you? Time to focus on moving on. It is extremely difficult (nearly impossible?) to get over someone you still communicate or keep tabs with.

[snkv]

It is because you continue to maintain contact with her. This is within your control. Block her phone number, emails, and social media...and if she does manage to get a hold of you don't respond. I think this has dragged on long enough, don't you? Time to focus on moving on. It is extremely difficult (nearly impossible?) to get over someone you still communicate or keep tabs with.

 

No, my main problem is that we haven't been in contact since the 25th of December, when she wished me a merry Christmas and all the best... It's like some kind of neural poison, I DO NOT want to see her, think about her, hear about her etc. but my head feels like it is going to explode and I can't get a proper good night sleep from anger. I think 4 months is a good time to put these emotions to rest, but this is absurd. I strive to lift heavier and heavier in the gym, and I get like 15 minutes of calm after the workout while I am driving home, and then I just snap again. I do not want to put her on a pedestal, how can I jump out of this redundant cycle?