Recent out the blue, uncertain break up... what to do?

[BlueTowel]

Hi,

 

My girlfriend and I had been together for three and a half years until about 3 weeks ago when she came round and out of the blue (to me) we broke up. I'm really struggling as to what to do as there are certain things about the break up which give me hope or indication that something might be salvageable. To set the key points;

 

> My girlfriend had graduated from university earlier this year. She previously did not have many friends at university and since she has come back to her hometown she has re-established a network of friends which she used to go to school with, many of whom are in relationships themselves. This is something which i view as a complete positive, however she has felt that because her dependency for me is not what it used to be whilst she was at university she feels guilty and complacent about our relationship when we're not together (i.e. i get the impression she doesn't think of me as much as she used to, as she is now occupied with friends elsewhere). She made it clear however that when we are together that all insecurities go away and shes really happy.

 

> She has also lost a lot of weight and looks great for it. This has subsequently caused her to get more attention from other man, however i have always trusted her implicitly in that regard. I did ask her in my initial insecurity after we broke up whether there has been anyone else but she said on. I also dont think she would have hinted at a more ambiguous reason if she had cheated, instead tell me the truth and then its black and white. The point to this bit is i feel she has some new found confidence which is great, but may also contribute to the distracted element.

 

> Because we were together whilst she was at university (managed all three years living 150 miles away for the most part) i feel she unfortunately did not get to have the typical university experience. This isnt to suggest that she now wants to sleep around, however she has not had that independent lifestyle so to speak.

 

> One of the problems in our relationship was that i was never forthcoming with conversations about our future. She had mentioned on several occasions that she wanted to live together, however i foolishly never offered any formal commitment, instead saying thinks like 'it's good to be aware but anything could happen between now and then'. As it stands we're not/were not in a position to live together for at least 9 months which i think added to the frustrations.

 

> Two weeks before the break up we had a silly argument which was my fault but was blown out of proportion. Fortunately we managed to sort this out and afterwards i had some very reassuring texts saying things such as 'i feel so positive about us at the moment' and 'i really hope you're happy too'. This does make me feel like part of her decision is slightly knee-jerk and not entirely certain.

 

> We met up a week or so after the break up and spoke. She told me her family and friends 'think shes mad' and 'are my biggest fans' which i take some bizarre positive from. It seem to contribute to the fact that she might not be entirely sure where her head is at.

 

> The whole experience has made me realised how much i utterly adore her. I do want to live with her and can see us going to the next step, however my gut instinct tells me she needs space to figure out her life and perhaps experience the feeling of being an individual for a while. We have broken up and are both single, however i cant help but feel based on the above that it is something which is potentially salvageable in time.

 

Im not afraid to wait for her, in fact i know she is worth it. I cant stand the thought of her being with someone else and i think if that was her intention then she would have said, again slightly more black and white. There is however part of me which does think that at the end of the day she did break it up and therefore should i take that as final? I think shes at a stage in her life where thinks are a little more insecure and uncertain and she felt like she needed to take back some control of it all. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. One thing in particular im unsure about is to how long I should leave it before i contact her. A month seems like ample time so i was thinking towards the end of January.....

 

Thanks for reading and please do let me know of any advice...

 

Mr Hopeful

[MissCanuck]

What were the reasons she gave you for ending it?

 

I see a lot of conjecture and speculation on your part (as to why she broke up with you) but what she did actually tell you?

[BlueTowel]

The main reason was the complacency feeling. feeling guilt and almost mourning/grieving a relationship which was at the time still alive...

[KJthereal]

I can't say I read every single trivial recollection you posted, but I think you need to stop replaying all of the little details. Breakups often don't involve closure, and even when we get closure it does not make things feel any better....

 

Continue going no contact, and don't anticipate or wait on her to turn back. The most productive way to heal is to keep your mind busy. The only success I've had with breakups is when I fully remove myself from the situation and continue on with my life. If the person comes back and I wanted them too, than it is great and I am a better person for it because I know what loss feels like and am sure of what I want now. If they don't? Time is already at work healing me....

 

Trying to connect the dots of what caused a break up is useless. Unless you did something truly unforgiveable or wronged her you just need to focus on your own life and your happiness that you deserve.

[shessofly]

I think waiting around for a dumper to change their mind and come back is unwise. No matter what her unspoken intentions are the day will come where there is a new guy in her life, and you will have waited around rather than worked on getting over her. Her family's opinion means little in terms of getting back together, it's what she thinks and feels that will drive her decision.

 

She is done with school, feeling good about the new attention/her new look, and excited about experiencing new things. I think you should work on moving on as if she is gone for good. That won't stop her from coming back should she choose to do so, but if she doesn't you've already got a head start. You won't be utterly devastated when she does start dating - it is not something you can stop anyway, whether you wait or move on. Moving on, imo, doesn't necessarily mean jumping right into the dating scene. It means accepting it's over and working on moving on from her emotionally.

 

I don't know how your last conversation went, but the general consensus is that as the dumpee if you have already told her how you feel and she rejected reconciliation it is up to her to make contact. She is the one who made the decision to end it - why should you be the one to reach out? That doesn't really make sense, does it - the person who was left doing the "chasing?" A person who leaves you is saying they aren't all that concerned about losing you to someone else, or concerned that you may never return once they get done doing whatever it is they left to do. After you've said to her let's work on this, let's try again and they say no thanks - I would leave it.

 

At the very least set a timeframe for yourself at which you will cease waiting and start moving on. This early in the breakup stage moving on usually falls on deaf ears. It may take some time for you to get there.

[MissCanuck]

The main reason was the complacency feeling. feeling guilt and almost mourning/grieving a relationship which was at the time still alive...

 

I don't understand what this means. Those feelings of guilt are usually the consequence of breaking up (or knowing you're going to end it) rather than the cause of a break-up.

 

When she said complacency, is she referring to you or herself?