Interesting situation in possibly T-2 days

[diggitydog22]

So interesting story here that I'll try to keep brief.

 

My ex and I broke up (I initiated it after something very sudden happened, then she called the next day and wanted to see me/talk more about it on the weekend..the day before we were supposed to meet she called and cancelled). I went no contact with her for 5 days before she texts me about something benign and I shrug it off. A week goes by and I send her the paperwork she asked for. Then she asks if I still want to talk later that night we can...she called, I was on a date so I sent it to VM and never called her back.

 

The next week I was feeling pretty ty about the situation, so I wrote her a letter and sent it to her (email). It basically said that I enjoyed every moment together, and that I will always think positively about her. She said it was the most beautiful letter she had ever read. She then said that she was moving on. I asked to speak on the phone later that night. I called and told her I wish her the very best, and good luck out there. Then, I asked for her to mail my stuff back and then said goodbye.

 

A week later she texts me saying that she hasn't mailed stuff yet since she's been so busy, but that she's been thinking a lot about us and how we connected so well. We had some friendly texts, then didn't talk for another week.

 

I text her this last weekend about my stuff, she said she hadn't mailed it. I said why don't we meet and exchange, then she said "only if we can be friends". I was confused. I asked her to call me and she did. I said that this would only take like 5 min. She said she thought we could hang out for awhile when we did the exchange. I said I don't know if I can do that with her. She sounds sad. We arrange for me to go get my stuff. So, I went over to her place to get my stuff.

 

I get there, we have a minor rehash of the breakup, she re-iterates (unsolicited) that she's moved on. I said that's great and good luck out there. We talk a little about who we've been dating, then we sit on the couch next to each other and keep talking, she has a phone call to get on so I go to leave and she asks if we can grab coffee this weekend. I said no thanks. She keeps insisting (like 4 times). I asked why she wants to be friends with me, she said that's its because we've been intimate with each other and she wants to have a friend out here like that (its a big city, and she's been here 5 years and has plenty of friends). Reluctantly, I agree to have coffee we hug and I leave. She sends me a text telling me to "get excited!" the next day.

 

So in a nutshell, we've been contacting each other almost every week, she keeps tell me she's moved on (even though I haven't once asked for her to come back), basically held my stuff hostage until I agreed to be her "friend", and insisted on meeting again this weekend.

 

How interesting is this coffee date going to be?

[SweetGirl28]

You shouldn't even go.

 

Her motive is to get back with you. I don't care she says she moved on...she didn't.

You clearly are not interested. Be firm and tell her there is no chance of friendship right now.

She cant be your friend. I guarantee her motive is to get into a FWB with you to keep you

in her life. She's working up to it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry you are going through this break up. This may mean "no arguments, let's be civil". It sounds like she's shifting you to the friendzone:

I text her this last weekend about my stuff, she said she hadn't mailed it. I said why don't we meet and exchange, then she said "only if we can be friends". How interesting is this coffee date going to be?

[diggitydog22]

In the text exchange, When she said "only if we can be friends", she was extremely insistent upon it. Almost to the point I was a little scared I'd never get my stuff back.

[hlethorn1]

She wants you back dude. A girl who has truly moved on would do everything they can to get you your possessions back, so they have no reason to see you anymore and can move on with their life.

 

The fact she is delaying this, as well as her other actions indicates she hasn't moved on at all and is worried you wont have a reason to see her anymore.

 

You need to get your stuff back ASAP and initiate a period of no contact.

[diggitydog22]

I guess I should give everyone an update here...

 

We met, and she continued to insinuate that she liked the "friends" situation that we had going on. I kindly ignored her off-hand comments about us just being friends, and changed the subject. We had a nice 3 hour brunch full of reminiscing about our relationship and other deep topics. She slipped a few times when she wanted to start talking about her ex fiance', I kindly said I didn't want to talk about that. I caught her red-handed lying about this idea that she moves on almost immediately after a breakup, and she was shocked and changed the subject. Overall, I got the impression that she is lonely and this new beau that she has isn't ringing her bell, and her primary goal was to keep me around in the event things go South.

 

When I got home, I sent her a very polite text explaining that I cannot have this type of relationship with her and that I (again) wished her all the best with everything. She said to let her know if I ever change my mind. I said that I probably wont, and that I'm asking her to respect that. She acknowledged.

 

I feel that I've basically let her know that I'm not a doormat and that If she wants to communicate with me ever again, she needs to want to come back to the relationship table which is ultimately what I would like because I really do still miss her.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you let her know in no uncertain, yet diplomatic, terms that you're not going to be the backup plan. Kudos

I got the impression that she is lonely and this new beau that she has isn't ringing her bell, and her primary goal was to keep me around in the event things go South. I sent her a very polite text explaining that I cannot have this type of relationship with her and that I (again) wished her all the best with everything.

[diggitydog22]

Excellent you let her know in no uncertain, yet diplomatic, terms that you're not going to be the backup plan. Kudos

 

Thanks! I feel that based on everything that has happened thus far this may not be completely over, and I expect to hear from her again in the near future.

[hlethorn1]

I guess I should give everyone an update here...

 

We met, and she continued to insinuate that she liked the "friends" situation that we had going on. I kindly ignored her off-hand comments about us just being friends, and changed the subject. We had a nice 3 hour brunch full of reminiscing about our relationship and other deep topics. She slipped a few times when she wanted to start talking about her ex fiance', I kindly said I didn't want to talk about that. I caught her red-handed lying about this idea that she moves on almost immediately after a breakup, and she was shocked and changed the subject. Overall, I got the impression that she is lonely and this new beau that she has isn't ringing her bell, and her primary goal was to keep me around in the event things go South.

 

When I got home, I sent her a very polite text explaining that I cannot have this type of relationship with her and that I (again) wished her all the best with everything. She said to let her know if I ever change my mind. I said that I probably wont, and that I'm asking her to respect that. She acknowledged.

 

I feel that I've basically let her know that I'm not a doormat and that If she wants to communicate with me ever again, she needs to want to come back to the relationship table which is ultimately what I would like because I really do still miss her.

 

Handled perfectly, great job man!

 

One thing to be mindful of, if she does ever appear to come back to the relationship table - be skeptical, test her a little to see how much she wants it. I.e instead of picking her up to go somewhere, make her come to you by her own means. Let her pay for things, etc etc