Terrible Breakup.

[mafisher]

This is going to be a rather long post. I am new on here, my boyfriend and I of 2 years have recently broken up. And by recent, I mean Friday. I am 18 and he just turned 20. We met when I was 16 and he was 17. I had been looking up threads online to read about people's breakups. But I can't help but feel alone still because of how terrible my situation actually is. I haven't really been able to sleep lately, let alone eat much. Everything is a constant reminder of him. And it sucks. So here's the story:

 

On Wednesday, we had plans to go to the mall and do some shopping. Everything was fine. After finishing up at the mall, we went back to my place. We were sat on my couch just hanging out and laughing at things we had seen on our phones and whatever. And then all of a sudden, I see this app on his phone. I don't know if any of you are familiar with the Grindr app (I'm assuming, but I'll explain), but I saw it on his phone. It was in his recent apps. Grindr is a an app solely designed for gay men to chat. At first, I wasn't sure if that was actually what I saw. But for some strange reason, I just had a gut feeling about it. I asked him what it was and he played it off and claimed it was a game he no longer played anymore and that he had been meaning to delete it. I took matters into my own hands and searched up Grindr on my phone, and sure enough, it looked exactly like what I had seen on his phone. At that moment, I didn't know what to do. I started to shake and my breath was getting short, I was overcome with anxiety. Shortly after, he was getting ready to leave. He said goodbye like he always does. As soon as he left, I ran upstairs and created a fake account. But I then realized you couldn't search people by name so I gave up. He sent me a text when he got home and I was acting standoffish so he asked me what was wrong. So that's when I asked him. I asked him what the app really was, because I just knew. At first he denied it, and I started to second guess myself. But then, he came out with the truth. He told me it was exactly what I thought it was. He then came out as bisexual. I do not have a problem with anyone who is gay, bi, lesbian, etc. but the fact that he had been hiding it from me for 2 years... and that he also still had the app on his phone. He swore to me he had it before we were dating. And the biggest thing here is.. we didn't have sex or anything close to it the entirety of our relationship. Just weeks before this all happened I confronted him about sex. He told me he has a lot of anxiety centered around intimacy, which I somewhat believed considering he has a lot of anxiety in general. It makes him physically sick at times. But it was all too coincidental... nothing sexual with me and then finding an app for gay men on his cellphone? I can't say I didn't think about it. I can't say I never thought of the possibility he could be bisexual or something.. but how do you sit there and say that about someone when they haven't said it themselves?

 

He proceeded to tell me that I was the first person he has ever told. I asked him why he still had the app and he told me he left tucked it away inside a folder on his phone and forgot about it. He told me that he has had the app before we were a thing, like I stated before, and forgot to delete it. He claimed that he never really used it to talk to anyone on it. I asked why it was in his recently used apps and he said he accidentally clicked on it when he was going for something else. I don't know why I believed it at the time, but now that I'm thinking back on everything, the story just doesn't make sense. That night we talked on the phone. I can't really remember what we talked about because it was such a terrible experience for me. I should have just ended it right there, but I was an idiot. I hung up the phone after awhile because I couldn't take it anymore. He texted me after and I almost didn't want to respond but I did. What's really messed up is that we were up texting until 4 in the morning. And everything felt so good. We were acting like everything was fine. I was acting like everything was fine. I was so blind and so stupid to do that to myself. We were telling one another how much we loved eachother and said we weren't going anywhere. But then that all changed.

 

The next day (Thursday) I saw him on campus at our University. It wasn't weird or awkward. It felt good. Then he came over my house after he finished up with his classes. Everything felt so good and right. But as the day progressed.. so did negative thoughts. He didn't stay at my house for too long since he had to work that day. So while he was away at work, all I could think about was if he was really gay and that down the road he would discover that I wasn't what he wanted. After he got home from work, he sent me a text asking me how my night was. I told him it wasn't great.. and expressed how I felt and how it was way too coincidental for me that we never had sex in two years and I found the app on his phone. He told me he knows it looks sketchy and that he was ready to finally show me that I was the one he wants. But I kept expressing my doubts to him, so we decided to meet up and talk Friday evening, since I had to work. He sent me a text Friday morning telling me he didn't want to imagine life without me. And to be quite honest, I didn't want to either. But I didn't say that, since my head was clouded with so many negatives.

 

Fast forward to 8:00 on Friday night. I had just gotten off work and was preparing to meet him in a parking lot somewhere. He asked me if I still wanted to meet up and talk, to which I obviously replied yes. I was genuinely hoping this wasn't the end for us. Pretty dumb I know. I just feel so dumb. When we finally met up and started talking, it was difficult to get started. First and foremost I asked him if he was more attracted to women than men. He told me yes. He told me he just knows he has some level of attraction for men, but mainly women. But the fact of the matter is, I was his first real relationship.. and he had never been with a male before. I stupidly kept telling him that I didn't want it to be over. He kept telling me he didn't know what we could do next. He told me he didn't think we can move on from it. I know I should have broken up with him, but the words couldn't leave my mouth. He insisted that I deserved better than him, and someone who was normal. He told me he just messed up too bad and that I could probably never be happy with him. I was kind of sat in silence. He told me that he should go, and he left. This all happened in my car in a Sheetz parking lot.

 

To make everything worse, we work at the same job (although it's not how we met) and were supposed to work together all weekend. I texted my manager telling her that we broke up and asked if she could find anyone to cover my shifts. So long story short, I missed out on two days of work. I was told we wouldn't be scheduled to work together anymore, which was a relief, because I love my job. Also, his birthday just passed on the third of this month and I got him concert tickets to his favorite artist.

 

I feel so alone and like the biggest idiot in the world. I know none of you probably have much advice for me, but it feels good just to vent about it. I have blocked him on every social media platform as well as his number. This is hands down one of the worst things to ever happen to me. I don't know what to do with myself. I have been trying to surround myself with people at all times, but as I am writing this, I am alone and it's really hard. I just keep questioning why this had to happen to me..

[DanZee]

Sorry you have to deal with this. It is such a shock and violates your sense of trust on so many levels. It sounds like a typical story for a gay man. Society says he should be with a woman, so he's been dating you, but the fact that he's gotten physically sick when thinking about having sex with you is pretty stereotypical for someone who's gay and not bi. Also two years of not having sex at your ages says a lot too.

 

Everybody here at ENA have suffered that sense of tremendous loss and grief when a relationship breaks up, and you have to tell yourself that you did nothing wrong. He should have told you right up front, but chances are that he hasn't come to grips with being gay, which is why he hasn't come out of the closet. Maybe he psychologically wanted you to see the Gindr icon on his phone so he can start exploring his true sexuality with men. Could be.

 

But I think you have to realize that you're not going to have a full, intimate relationship with him. You could keep him as your best gay friend and not lose him in your life, but I think you have to move on emotionally and find someone who will fully love you. Keep doing what you're doing. Surround yourself with friends. Keep yourself busy. Go for walks in nature. Do things you want to do. And look for a nice, cute boy to start dating.