Dumpee on NC wants to reconcile

[pro12]

Me and My ex were together for 3 years and we were best friends. She broke up with me out of the blue in early September and i think this goes without saying but i was left devastated because i didn't see it coming at all. It was a Gigs style break up and she started doing all these things she wasn't into before like clubbing/partying and obviously drinking plus doing drugs as soon as she got rid of me. She turned 21 just 1 and a half months before she broke up with me and im 24. She meant a lot to me and i also meant a lot to her and we were so in love with each other for a long time which is why the break up left me in shock.

 

Now a lot has happened in the last 3 months(Post break up) and i'm not going to go into details about everything that has happened simply because too much has happened but i will say some things. I did try to change her mind the first week after the break up but nothing was working and she just kept throwing all these reasons at me as to why she didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore and even said the infamous phrases "I love you but i'm not in love with you" and "It's not you, it's me". She even told me things that i didn't even know were problems honestly and everything just had me beyond confused. 2 and half weeks after the break up, i told myself "I'm not going to initiate contact anymore but i will reply to her if she does". 2-3 weeks after that she throws a tantrum because as she said "You don't care about me anymore" i remember telling her that i do care about her but i have to focus on healing and she hurt me really bad and she even said that she wishes we would have worked out while crying. Keep in mind, I'm trying my best to keep this as short as i can so way more happened during those convos but i don't really want to go into details.

 

At this point, she was trying to contact me maybe once a week. A lot happened in the month of october. She was showing so much anger towards me and i really have no idea why. i finally gave her the space she wanted and she's just hating me. Every time we talked in october, it was her initiating contact and her being really mean. I remember telling her that i want her to be happy and that i want to be happy as well and that i want no drama between us. Now fast forward to mid november, She calls me one night and asks if I'm busy, i then tell her no and she says "can we talk?" and when she said that she sounded like she was going to start crying. I told her i'll call you back but i never got back to her. She texted me and called me 20 minutes later but i didn't answer because i didn't want to be used as her emotional crutch like how she used me in the first month after the breakup. She treated me like complete crap that first month while i had a broken heart and i allowed her to because i just wanted her in my life.

 

That phone call she made in mid november was the last time i heard from her so it's been exactly 3 weeks of strict NC from both sides. I'm trying my best to move on but I'm also staying open to reconcile if she ever approached me correctly since she was the one who dumped me, and i didn't want to ask her if she wanted to get back together because i didn't want to push her away or lower my chances of getting back together even more. I miss her so much and 21 days is the longest we've ever gone without saying anything to each other. I've been telling my friend everything and he told me "you can get her back if you wanted to" but i just don't want to risk it and make the mistake i made that first week and how i was trying to change her mind while she didn't want to be with me which pushed her away even more. My plan right now is to continue NC but i guess my questions are .. Is she currently missing me? I know that 3 weeks is nothing compared to the amount of time others wait for something to happen but i want to get an idea of what she's going through 11 weeks after the break up and 3 weeks into no contact.. Will she try to get back with me once that gigs stuff wears off? because i feel like right now she just doesn't want me to get in the way of the things she wants to do while being single. I hope that one day she realizes what she has thrown away because that bond we had isn't easy to find, But i understand that the best thing i can do right now is continue working on myself which i am doing. I hope i can hear from people who have experienced something similar, whether it's from a dumpee or dumper.

[DanZee]

What's interesting is that girls always tell you what their arguments with their boyfriends were about but the guys dismiss the arguments as unimportant and they have no idea why the girls broke up with them. Likewise, many girls seem to worry about their partner more than themselves while the guys are all about how the girl hurt them.

 

I would suggest the reason for the breakup is in the arguments. What were the arguments about? Who were belittling who? Which partner was trying to make the other feel small and insignificant. Who was trying to make the other partner do things they didn't want to do? What are the things they disagreed on. Was sex involved in any of the arguments? Etc.

 

Since I don't have a lot to go by here, I would say that her drinking and partying after breaking up with you is a classic case of trying to dull the pain of breaking up. She's also confused. Obviously, the break up hurt her deeply. That's also the reason why she contacts you every 2 weeks or so, she is grieving pretty badly and part of her doesn't want to let go of the relationship.

 

So we're back to the question of who was the villain here? Since she's taking it pretty badly, I would suggest you may have hurt her deeply, particularly in the arguments you two had before the breakup. Something was the trigger point and if you could think about what the arguments were about, you should be able to figure out why she broke up with you.

[SweetGirl28]

If she's still partying and using drugs, it's best to keep her at bay.

You cannot depend on her to be emotionally stable for you to even try to reconsider a relationship.

I don't think she will contact you again any time soon, as you didn't reply back to her like you said you would.

I'm sure she misses you, but she's currently filling that void with a destructive lifestyle.

Is that what you want in your life?

[sublimek2]

I just want to mention a few things about your story.

 

"She broke up with me out of the blue in early September and i think this goes without saying but i was left devastated because i didn't see it coming at all."

 

Honestly, break-ups like this are usually not out of the blue. There are always indicators of a relationship's status going on constantly. I think that for guys (and I've been guilty of this) is that it is so easy to fall into autopilot mode when it comes to a relationship. We try hard to get the girl, and when we finally get her, we think "job accomplished" and now that we are together, that means everything is good. But then when it comes to relationship maintenance and being aware of the current relationship status, guys can fall flat. I'm not saying that this was your situation, but it doesn't hurt to look at it from a different angle.

 

I told her i'll call you back but i never got back to her. She texted me and called me 20 minutes later but i didn't answer because i didn't want to be used as her emotional crutch like how she used me in the first month after the breakup. She treated me like complete crap that first month while i had a broken heart and i allowed her to because i just wanted her in my life

 

Ok, I'm going to have to call you out on this one. I don't mean to imply a scolding tone in what follows, I just merely want to point out something about your statement. You told her you were available and you would call her back, but you didn't. From the tone of your writing it seems like you refrained from contacting her because YOU wanted to hurt her now, which, I get it, she hurt you, now you want to hurt her. But this tactic is only going to make things worse, much worse. If you had no intention on contacting her, then let her know that. Don't lead her on. You don't want to be the emotional crutch, I get that, and good for you for spotting that, but don't tell her you'll contact her and give her the cold shoulder. I think from your statements it is safe to say that she is suffering too and it helps no one to make it worse.

 

I'm trying my best to move on but I'm also staying open to reconcile

 

Great statement, but from your following paragraph, it doesn't seem like you are actually trying to move on. It's perfectly ok to leave the door open for reconciliation, but I feel like people confuse leaving the door open with leaving the door open while you sit in front of it like a puppy dog waiting for their owner to return. Sorry if that came of mean sounding, it wasn't my intention, but I wanted to be blunt. I feel like the truly best first step in a situation like this is you have to learn to be honest with yourself. Are you really trying to move on? Or are you obsessing over what this girl is thinking and doing or how best you can get this girl back in your life? And you know what? It is perfectly normal to answer "no" and "yes" to those questions respectively, and it's perfectly ok too. You mention that you feel like she doesn't want you to get in the way of being a single girl. Then my friend, your goals are obviously not in alignment at this point. If this is what she wants, you are not going to change that, only she can.

 

Again, I didn't intend to come of mean-sounding, but I feel it's best to be blunt.

[pro12]

What's interesting is that girls always tell you what their arguments with their boyfriends were about but the guys dismiss the arguments as unimportant and they have no idea why the girls broke up with them. Likewise, many girls seem to worry about their partner more than themselves while the guys are all about how the girl hurt them.

 

I would suggest the reason for the breakup is in the arguments. What were the arguments about? Who were belittling who? Which partner was trying to make the other feel small and insignificant. Who was trying to make the other partner do things they didn't want to do? What are the things they disagreed on. Was sex involved in any of the arguments? Etc.

 

Since I don't have a lot to go by here, I would say that her drinking and partying after breaking up with you is a classic case of trying to dull the pain of breaking up. She's also confused. Obviously, the break up hurt her deeply. That's also the reason why she contacts you every 2 weeks or so, she is grieving pretty badly and part of her doesn't want to let go of the relationship.

 

So we're back to the question of who was the villain here? Since she's taking it pretty badly, I would suggest you may have hurt her deeply, particularly in the arguments you two had before the breakup. Something was the trigger point and if you could think about what the arguments were about, you should be able to figure out why she broke up with you.

 

Thank you so much for the reply. There's a lot i missed because too much happened as i stated, so i'm sorry if i wasn't that clear but the breakup really happened out of nowhere. There was no argument that led to the breakup or anything like that. This is how the breakup happened. One day she was acting weird and distant and i obviously felt like something was up. i remember texting her and asking her what's up and letting her know that i felt like something was off and then this is exactly what she tells me "ok I need space but it doesn't mean i love you any less". That right there left me so confused and i tell her to call me as soon as she can so we can talk about it since all she said was that she wanted space and that night she just kept telling me she would call but then she stopped replying to me after a while. I was so hurt and confused and literally blew up her phone because this was before she OFFICIALLY broke up with me and i just felt so much while she was ignoring me. I heard from her again the next day like 16 hours after she tells me she needed space and she tells me she fell asleep(which ended up being a lie and she admitted to this 1 week after the break up and she said she went out that day to a party and did something messed up, and i can go more into details about that messed up thing if you guys want to know), But the day AFTER she tells me she needed space and ignoring me is i guess when she officially broke up with me and that's when she threw all these excuses at me as to why she didn't want to be with me anymore. Her drinking and partying wasn't her way of coping with the break up but those things were actually the reason to the break up in my opinion because she didn't want me to get in the way of any of those things. 3 weeks after the break up she told me that she started feeling "weird" just 1 week before she broke up with me.

[pro12]

 

I told her i'll call you back but i never got back to her. She texted me and called me 20 minutes later but i didn't answer because i didn't want to be used as her emotional crutch like how she used me in the first month after the breakup. She treated me like complete crap that first month while i had a broken heart and i allowed her to because i just wanted her in my life

 

Ok, I'm going to have to call you out on this one. I don't mean to imply a scolding tone in what follows, I just merely want to point out something about your statement. You told her you were available and you would call her back, but you didn't. From the tone of your writing it seems like you refrained from contacting her because YOU wanted to hurt her now, which, I get it, she hurt you, now you want to hurt her. But this tactic is only going to make things worse, much worse. If you had no intention on contacting her, then let her know that. Don't lead her on. You don't want to be the emotional crutch, I get that, and good for you for spotting that, but don't tell her you'll contact her and give her the cold shoulder. I think from your statements it is safe to say that she is suffering too and it helps no one to make it worse.

 

I'm trying my best to move on but I'm also staying open to reconcile

 

Great statement, but from your following paragraph, it doesn't seem like you are actually trying to move on. It's perfectly ok to leave the door open for reconciliation, but I feel like people confuse leaving the door open with leaving the door open while you sit in front of it like a puppy dog waiting for their owner to return. Sorry if that came of mean sounding, it wasn't my intention, but I wanted to be blunt. I feel like the truly best first step in a situation like this is you have to learn to be honest with yourself. Are you really trying to move on? Or are you obsessing over what this girl is thinking and doing or how best you can get this girl back in your life? And you know what? It is perfectly normal to answer "no" and "yes" to those questions respectively, and it's perfectly ok too. You mention that you feel like she doesn't want you to get in the way of being a single girl. Then my friend, your goals are obviously not in alignment at this point. If this is what she wants, you are not going to change that, only she can.

 

Again, I didn't intend to come of mean-sounding, but I feel it's best to be blunt.

 

Thank you so much for the reply and no you didn't sound mean at all. I've told my mom some things and what happened since my mom knew of her and she's been harder on me and she even told me to stay away from her no matter what.

 

Ok so first I'm going to start with your second point and addressing that. 5-6 weeks after she broke up with me, she threw a tantrum cause i stopped checking in on her while she checks up on me and i told her that talking to her doesn't make me happy anymore and it actually makes me feel really bad and i also told her that she treated me really really bad that first month while i had a broken heart. She told me a lot in that phone call. She told me that she wishes we would have worked out, she told me that she's really really sorry for the way she treated me that first month, She told me that she felt bad and felt better after talking to me, SHe said that she stopped drinking as much because she said that drinking was the reason for her bad behavior towards me that first month, She also said that she let her turning 21 get to her head way too much, she said that her life has been a hot mess, and even told me that she still has so much love for me and also said many other things. The phone call was intense because we both cried but we didn't argue about anything. I remember telling her this towards the end of that 1 hour and 30 minute phone call "Hey look and please don't take this wrong way.... but i don't want you to contact me anymore because i want to heal" and that made her so mad which wasn't my intention at all and she instantly hung up. i felt bad and so I then text her and tell her this "I'm really sorry i don't want you to be mad" and then she goes "eff off i'm leaving you alone now" and then i go "ok what is it that you want?" and she tells me that she just wants us to be friends and i go ok then. So look, you say that i'm trying to hurt her but i'm not trying to hurt her at all and i actually want no drama between us. When she called me in mid november, she called me from a different number which is the only reason why i picked up and i panicked when i heard her voice. I felt my emotions go crazy which is why i said let me call you back. I didn't call her back but i wasn't trying to hurt her in any way and it's more of me avoiding what hurts me and protecting my heart.

 

Now to your 3rd point, I understand that it looks like I'm being a "puppy dog waiting for their owner to return" like you put it, but I haven't shown her any type of weakness since that first month and i am trying to move on but that woman meant so much to me and i obviously still think about her everyday. i said i'm open to reconcile but that doesn't mean that i will say yes to her as soon as she comes back(IF) because i know that i will probably end up hurt again if i let her in again that easy. She will have to work and prove A LOT to me before anything which is why i not once asked her if she wanted to get back together when she was messaging me after i stopped initiating contact, So trust me IF she does come back i will not be waiting for her with open arms and make a quick decision, and if she doesn't come back then I am 100% sure i will be fine.

[sublimek2]

Thank you so much for the reply and no you didn't sound mean at all. I've told my mom some things and what happened since my mom knew of her and she's been harder on me and she even told me to stay away from her no matter what.

 

Ok so first I'm going to start with your second point and addressing that. 5-6 weeks after she broke up with me, she threw a tantrum cause i stopped checking in on her while she checks up on me and i told her that talking to her doesn't make me happy anymore and it actually makes me feel really bad and i also told her that she treated me really really bad that first month while i had a broken heart. She told me a lot in that phone call. She told me that she wishes we would have worked out, she told me that she's really really sorry for the way she treated me that first month, She told me that she felt bad and felt better after talking to me, SHe said that she stopped drinking as much because she said that drinking was the reason for her bad behavior towards me that first month, She also said that she let her turning 21 get to her head way too much, she said that her life has been a hot mess, and even told me that she still has so much love for me and also said many other things. The phone call was intense because we both cried but we didn't argue about anything. I remember telling her this towards the end of that 1 hour and 30 minute phone call "Hey look and please don't take this wrong way.... but i don't want you to contact me anymore because i want to heal" and that made her so mad which wasn't my intention at all and she instantly hung up. i felt bad and so I then text her and tell her this "I'm really sorry i don't want you to be mad" and then she goes "eff off i'm leaving you alone now" and then i go "ok what is it that you want?" and she tells me that she just wants us to be friends and i go ok then. So look, you say that i'm trying to hurt her but i'm not trying to hurt her at all and i actually want no drama between us. When she called me in mid november, she called me from a different number which is the only reason why i picked up and i panicked when i heard her voice. I felt my emotions go crazy which is why i said let me call you back. I didn't call her back but i wasn't trying to hurt her in any way and it's more of me avoiding what hurts me and protecting my heart.

 

Now to your 3rd point, I understand that it looks like I'm being a "puppy dog waiting for their owner to return" like you put it, but I haven't shown her any type of weakness since that first month and i am trying to move on but that woman meant so much to me and i obviously still think about her everyday. i said i'm open to reconcile but that doesn't mean that i will say yes to her as soon as she comes back(IF) because i know that i will probably end up hurt again if i let her in again that easy. She will have to work and prove A LOT to me before anything which is why i not once asked her if she wanted to get back together when she was messaging me after i stopped initiating contact, So trust me IF she does come back i will not be waiting for her with open arms and make a quick decision, and if she doesn't come back then I am 100% sure i will be fine.

 

Ok, I understand the first bolded point now. Thanks for the clarification. From the way I read it in the original post, I interpreted it that way. My mistake.

 

For the second bolded section, I guess I didn't mean to imply that I was pointing directly at you and saying "hey, you, this is exactly what you are doing." Sometimes, though, I want people to take a step back and really ponder what's going on in their head. I just understand what can be going through a person's mind at this point. People say they are doing this for themselves and trying to heal, when deep at the core, they have ulterior motives that they just might not be willing to see or accept.

 

Also, if I might add, it seems as though this girl has changed and isn't really the girl you knew before. Sure, maybe this is just a phase that she is going through. It's possible. But is it fair to you to have to wait for her so she can "get this out of her system?" What if she ends up going through another phase in the future? Will you wait it out again? It's not fair to you my friend.

[pro12]

Ok, I understand the first bolded point now. Thanks for the clarification. From the way I read it in the original post, I interpreted it that way. My mistake.

 

For the second bolded section, I guess I didn't mean to imply that I was pointing directly at you and saying "hey, you, this is exactly what you are doing." Sometimes, though, I want people to take a step back and really ponder what's going on in their head. I just understand what can be going through a person's mind at this point. People say they are doing this for themselves and trying to heal, when deep at the core, they have ulterior motives that they just might not be willing to see or accept.

 

Also, if I might add, it seems as though this girl has changed and isn't really the girl you knew before. Sure, maybe this is just a phase that she is going through. It's possible. But is it fair to you to have to wait for her so she can "get this out of her system?" What if she ends up going through another phase in the future? Will you wait it out again? It's not fair to you my friend.

 

Thank you so much for taking your time to come back, read my reply, and reply to it. It all really means a lot to me.

 

You're so right about that and i noticed that she became someone who i hardly recognized when i maintained contact with her those first couple of weeks post break up. It all hurt me so much because she got over me so fast and i just didn't understand how she did it after we loved each other so much. i understand that she's going through major changes in her life. She wanted to be more independent and maybe she felt like i was holding her back from growing up and just doing whatever she wanted to do because she even told me that she felt tied down like a month after we broke up. Me understanding all of that is the reason why i'm staying open to reconcile. If months from now she approaches me in an attempt to rekindle what we had and seems genuine instead doing it for my attention or for an ego boost then i'll give it some thought and maybe start something new with her. Right now i'm just letting her live her life while i work on myself.

 

I still find it crazy how the day she broke up with me she kept saying that we just weren't compatible and that we were 2 different people, but when she threw that tantrum 5-6 weeks after the break up she said that it would mean a lot to her if we remained friends because of that special bond we had. She talked so high of our bond and relationship the day she threw a tantrum but the day she broke up with me she made it seem as if we had nothing to fight for. It really doesn't make much sense.