How to start caring about my life?

[Joliefrog]

Hi everyone.

I'm writing now because it's been around 24h that I haven't eaten at all and if there wasn't for physiology I wouldn't leave my room at all. I'm not seeing a therapist cause I can't imagine going outside the house lately. (Last couple of months intensely)

I have seen multiple psychologists throughout my life but I would end up concluding it's all in my hands after all. I'm 22.

I don't see the point of trying anymore because I don't see, I can't see why. And I cannot see that because I've been trying since I can remember and it's always been the same. Good/bad relationship, good/bad time with friends, calm/chaotic period in family, being A class in studying or failing exams (more not being able to undertake them cause of panick attacks/attendance), doing/not doing yoga/excercise, eating/not eating healthy.. It's always here, inside, the neverending assurance of not belonging anywhere (especially in family) , something being wrong and unfixable in me and the more time passes by it's more and more visible to others. My exs used to say "I wish I could rip that thing out of you" and I've come to the point where I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore therefore not to have any social contact with anyone. I'm aware I must fix myself somehow but I can't find the reason why. I can't seem to forgive myself and others and it's eating me. I'm at the point in my life where I need to make decisions about my future and one small part of me is so ambitious and doesn't want to f*** it up and the ego is still fighting, but the same ego doesn't let me reach out. Mostly cause the ones I should reach out to are my family and they've done the most damage. The point is, the only reason I have not to end my life is that my sister commited suicide when I was little and if it happened again, they would probably be devastated, and I don't wish it upon my younger sister. Yet this isn't enough for me to start wanting to live, I'd still be doing it only for others. I would like to hear some honest opinions, tips, experiences from people who understand. Thank you.

[glitterfingers]

The truth is life is difficult sometimes. Other times it's boring, and other times it's pleasant or beautiful/wonderful. There will be pain, but there will also be joy (and plenty of it). Things like what you're going through are only part of it. And it is a part that you can put behind you. If you don't believe that, you can look at stories on YouTube of people who have survived suicide attempts and recovered from depression

 

Recovery is possible, and recovery isn't just about where you're at mentally - it means living a better life. Can you imagine a better life? What would that life have in it? That's not a rhetorical question, you should write it out... what would your dream life have in it?

 

You probably feel that you don't have much control over your circumstances, and with mental illness that may be true to an extent. You can't force yourself to be in a better place right now. But I guarantee if you think about it, there are at least one or two things which are within your control and which you can latch onto in order to get yourself to the next step. Maybe that means getting admitted to a psychiatric facility (I have seen this work wonders for some people who are suicidal), or maybe it means finding a support person outside of your immediate family like an aunt or cousin, someone who is just there to talk to or cry with. You might think that they don't want to be concerned by your issues, but I guarantee you that if they see you are struggling, they will want to help (it makes them feel worthwhile and strengthens family bonds). Or call a crisis hotline in your country, and speak with someone who can help you work out what options are available to you in order to get support

 

You have hope and a will to live. Those are the seedlings of happiness. If you nurture them and get support, you will see them grow

 

You can inbox me if you want to talk further

[Pleasedonot5]

Think statistically.

 

You have a finite amount of time in a universe that will last 100s of trillions of years, or longer, infinity. Anything over infinity is zero. Meaning there's no pressure because because our lives are statistically insignificant. Even George Washington, who had historical impact, will become insignificant over time.

 

However, there's the other end of the coin. Our lives are all we know we have. They are therefore infinitely valuable to each of us personally. So, don't waste your life, which is infinitely valuable to you.

 

Reduce your negatives, add some positives, be who you want to be, and enjoy life. That's all any of us can do to live life right.

[EternalOptimis]

You appear to have got into a vicious cycle of self-defeatism and negativity. I can't imagine what it's like to have sibling commit suicide. I've no doubt it affects you

 

It often has to be started mechanically; keep getting up in the morning. Get out of bed, eat healthy. Go for long walks. Have short but frequent contact with people you care about and who care about you. Your virtuous cycle is once decision away. It's hard and it takes work but it's dooable.. and so worth it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry you are going through this. It may help to know that mood disorders tend to run in families. Don't go this alone or believe that you can think your way out of it with willpower. Mood disorders, particularly bipolar disorder has many of the up/down symptoms you describe and also a strong family component. Just one visit to a psychiatrist or any physician can help tremendously. Malfunctioning brain chemistry can be addressed and treated.

It's always here, inside, the neverending assurance of not belonging anywhere (especially in family) , something being wrong and unfixable in me and the more time passes by it's more and more visible to others. my sister commited suicide when I was little