Joliefrog Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 Hi everyone. I'm writing now because it's been around 24h that I haven't eaten at all and if there wasn't for physiology I wouldn't leave my room at all. I'm not seeing a therapist cause I can't imagine going outside the house lately. (Last couple of months intensely) I have seen multiple psychologists throughout my life but I would end up concluding it's all in my hands after all. I'm 22. I don't see the point of trying anymore because I don't see, I can't see why. And I cannot see that because I've been trying since I can remember and it's always been the same. Good/bad relationship, good/bad time with friends, calm/chaotic period in family, being A class in studying or failing exams (more not being able to undertake them cause of panick attacks/attendance), doing/not doing yoga/excercise, eating/not eating healthy.. It's always here, inside, the neverending assurance of not belonging anywhere (especially in family) , something being wrong and unfixable in me and the more time passes by it's more and more visible to others. My exs used to say "I wish I could rip that thing out of you" and I've come to the point where I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore therefore not to have any social contact with anyone. I'm aware I must fix myself somehow but I can't find the reason why. I can't seem to forgive myself and others and it's eating me. I'm at the point in my life where I need to make decisions about my future and one small part of me is so ambitious and doesn't want to f*** it up and the ego is still fighting, but the same ego doesn't let me reach out. Mostly cause the ones I should reach out to are my family and they've done the most damage. The point is, the only reason I have not to end my life is that my sister commited suicide when I was little and if it happened again, they would probably be devastated, and I don't wish it upon my younger sister. Yet this isn't enough for me to start wanting to live, I'd still be doing it only for others. I would like to hear some honest opinions, tips, experiences from people who understand. Thank you. Link to comment
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