How to handle boyfriend being distant

[Bss]

I shouldn't even be awake right now, but thats how it goes when something is on your mind. My boyfriend of over three years gets all distant on occasion. Its usually when he has a bad day or week, or at least thats always been his reasoning for it. Its not too often, but it always makes me feel like I've done something wrong. After all, I thought communication was key in a relationship. He has plenty of space. We don't live together (he's 39 and I'm 34) and I'm ok with it since I like my space too. Any ideas on how he could open up to me more?

[MissCanuck]

Can you be more specific? What happens when he gets distant, and how long does it go on for?

[Keyman]

This is commonly seen as a male way to deal with stress, we like to sink away into our little hole and push everything away until it has been dealt with in our minds, then we emerge again to get on with it.

 

Women on the other hand are supposed to like to talk it out, seek comfort from partners and friends, drink wine and resolve it as a group.

 

My suggestion would be to simply let him know that you are there if he needs you, that you love him and are thinking about him. Then leave him to resolve it in his mind.

 

That you think this revolves around you would suggest you have some self esteem issues unless these seem to occur straight after you have had an argument or something.

[DanZee]

As Keyman said, this is typical male behavior. You might have heard of the phrase: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It means that men and women communicate differently. When something's gone badly for a guy, he needs to shut down and process what happened. When the same thing happens to a woman, they want to talk about it. A lot of arguments get started because the girl will see her guy shut down and then insist that he tells her what's wrong. Well, you can guess what happens next. The guy says he doesn't want to talk about it. The woman insists he tells her. You get yelling and screaming and a fight ensues because the guy is defensive and hasn't processed what's happened yet. If the gal had let her guy brood that evening and not bother him until the next day, she would get the communication she wants.

 

All too often, men are hammered about how to communicate with women and we're forced to adapt our behavior to their standards, such as talk about our feelings more and be empathetic to their problems. But until the John Gray book of the same name, women weren't given a way to understand men and communicate with men.

 

So as long as your guy only shuts down occasionally when something's happened, it's no big deal. You didn't do anything wrong unless you were trying to push him to talk about it too quickly after it happens. Just try to take into account how he communicates because you may be missing what he's telling you. You can read more about the book at: