I Just Do not Want to Feel Anymore

[Furrehjohnson]

Lately my life has been extra amounts of disappointment, sadness, regret, and depressing. I've been seeking help from a therapist and she has helped me see alot of things about my depression i never really thought about. But now knowing it makes it feel all worse. I've always felt like i was never worth the time to anyone. I guess this stems from my birth father abandoning me before I was born. He called my mom a for trying to get in between his own wife who was also pregnant, called her a and shamed her because she had to test 2 separate guys, and was shammed and embarrassed because my grand parents had to be the ones to catch her and help her both financially and take control of how they would proceed regarding my father. They all just let him go. Let him leave. And I see that now I try to prove my worth to not just my mom for having put her through all of that, but I also seek to have other people see me as useful and worth their time. That somehow that gives me worth. Problem is when I'm alone. How I think about me when there is not anyone around to please. I hate myself. I think I should have never been born. I feel bad that I leach onto people and just suck gratitude for my own self image. Next I guess is my family. My grand parents entered the picture really early on but from the moment I could understand things, Ive seen they never liked me. That I was a stain on more or less perfect image of their family. That my mom choosing to not give me up to adoption was going to ruin the christian image of my family. But they kind of sucked it up. Not without still taking it out on me. They constantly expected me to be better. To fill a role for them and for the family. This has always felt to me like they just wanted me to prove to them and those who looked down on my family, that I was not a mistake. Even when I hit the point where I wanted to meet my father they told me to wait and go to him after I've proven myself and make him regret leaving. I had to show my worth to everyone. Worse was my cousins I feel got jealous. My grand parents to them where kind loving and like grandparents always are said to normally be. But to the cousins I got extra attention, and they were the ones that raised me. So they started playing a game. Whenever any of the cousins got together they ignored me or picked on me for any little mistake or problem. One on One they were all kind and I loved spending time with them. But as a group they made me feel so small. Like if I had proven my worth to them before, it didn't matter now. I was the freak. The black sheep. The bastard child. They all looked down on my mom. Seeing this started the feelings that no mater what I do I'm not going to ever succeed on proving myself worthy of life. Worth the time and effort to keep my going. I guess the last thing is really the relationships I have had. Not just romantic. Friends to me have done the same thing. That event when kids can be kind in one moment then get in a group and change to fit what is normal. I've never fit into that. I've liked so many things in my life even up until recently and no matter what it is, Its not normal, its weird, and I am weird for liking it. I know I put my worth in the hands of others, and I know that why those comments always hit me so hard. Worse is those romantic relationships. Its happened a lot before in friendships before I started dating, but I know I get easily used. I'm vulnerable and I just let people come in and take what they want, but it hearts way worse from someone I trusted with my heart. Someone I was happy being around and I thought I brought joy to as much as they brought it to me. They all were bad. But the one example of how bad they got was with the girl I had a crush on in high school. We didn't date in high school, talked a bunch and were friends but she never saw me much more then a decent guy. No I left school for 3 years then met back up with her. I at that time really liked one of her friends that I worked with. I was seeing this girl for a bit, but my ex was helping me. Talking to her friend and giving me advice. She also liked one of my roommates. We tried with these other people and that didn't work out. Then she went after my other roommate. I gave her advice and I started to feel for her, but I didn't want to be with a girl who was seemingly working through the house, and who I knew just became buddies with the newer roommate. Once he was done with her he dropped her. She had her own depression and experiences that she had and I became the one to try and help. I guess she started feeling for me but I was still conflicted with just that recent past. Finally I gave in and started dating her. I was happy. I loved her and she said she loved me. For 7 months we dated until her issues with her family came hostile. I said I would let her move in with my temporarily until her friend got ready to move in with my ex. But a month past, then a few more, until she was there for another 6 months. She made rules for me and made me cut out friends she thought weren't good for me. Guilt ed me into doing things I had not wanted to do. My best friends that she had tried to date left because she made it unbearable for them to stay, and she convinced me that they were abandoning me. She became a pillar of support in my mind. But one day it seemed like she stopped caring. Her rules where still in place for me but, they didn't apply to her. I couldn't hang out with friends of the opposite sex but she was fine doing so. And if I said anything about it shed get angry and its my fault because i brought it up. I was controlling her apparently. We were dating for a year and a half at this point and for another 6 months she just sat in the room playing games every day until she needed to go to work. And some days she didn't come home. Out with the guy she knew I was uncomfortable with. I felt broken a bit then. Like I was unappreciated for trying to help her and now felt mostly alone because she was never there. At the job I helped her get working with me I was visibly depressed and it was all inwards. IO thought What did I do wrong. I must not be doing enough. I m a terrible person if she feels like this. Turns out she started telling our boss and co workers. and one day I looked at the schedule and I wasn't on there anymore. My name was there but no hours. I asked my boss and she told me that everyone in the store asked to no longer work with me. Said shell give me hours the next week but I knew she had to say that. I was pushed out. So i put in a two weeks and ended it. Decided Id start college and make that my priority. To get me and my ex out of this area and make a happy life together. But then she told me. She didn't love me anymore. Didn't think she ever loved me. so she said we should go on a break. Distance makes the heart grow fonder i guess. one day in she both called me up in the middle of the night and told me she made a mistake. then the next morning she made her decisions. She went over the guy I was uncomfortable with whom I also used to work with at the previous job. Then made her decision then. She was done. But she didn't want to make my financially unstable or herself and still wanted to be friends. So she said shell stay living with me. I made one request so I could heal. Don't date anyone especially that guy, if your gonna live with me. That would push me over the edge. this all happened about a week before our anniversary. Then she came home one day. Every night going to that guys house always super late at night. Then I see her in her room deleting all pictures she had of me. During this week she wasn't even nice to me. Getting upset and literally saying not my problem to me when needing to talk about my depression. Then I saw her phone. She just went to check her messages and there it was. When we where together but she fell out of love with me she started hiding her phone. Even caught her texting in the middle of the night and when asking what she was doing, she would shut her screen off and get upset with me for asking. It made sense. All the time with that guy she spent in our relationship, she was cheating. Even her brother told me she was afterwords. and now she was in a relationship with me. this was a day after our anniversary would have been. I broke down. I tried to end my life then too. I felt used like I had before in other relationships and was only good for what I provided. She was even planning on using me even after breaking up with me. I got through that. I knew I wouldn't be able to love much after that. I held my heart tightly and tried to guard it. But I got a new job and was out there still flirt and even seeing other people. Had a few more bad ones but then the most recent. 2 weeks ago from this post in fact. I started dating this girl while she was still in a relationship. In truth I felt terrible about it. I was her supervisor at work and we knew we were a bit iffy in terms of the moral and corporate problems. But we had fun. We were ourselves and happy. She had been in a relationship and lived with this guy that took her for granted and expected things out of her instead of seeing her as a treasure. She was kind but stubborn, had ambition, desires, and knew how she was going to get them., but I thought she was respectful. After a while we both felt that it was best to get her out and time where her ex might find out was running out. So I offered to help her for a while. We agreed to make it temporary. She knew about the last girl I talked about and knew the damage emotionally she did. This new girl new about my depression, and she was wanting to prove herself to me seemingly. That she wanted to be in my life. She sat me down and told me that if it even came to needing to take a break form the relationship she would hurt but she would understand and do so with every intent that we would be together again. So we moved out of that guys place in one day while he was at work but she didn't ever talk to him after that. She left the silence as a break up. We set the rules and what we are comfortable with and we were doing well. But something started changing. This girl had her own past and one of those things were being sexual assaulted by her ex faience. After she borke it off with him for cheating on her he came back. Started talking to her while she was with someone else. And she told me she felt those feelings for her ex then. She met with him when he came back in town a place where she felt shed be safe with others, but the others all left. Her ex used words and her dreams to talk her into giving in little by little. Until he was done. I know in order for her to heal she had to say it wasn't her fault. That she wasn't guilty of going there to him. But it started feeling obvious that she still applies that idea she didn't do anything wrong to everything to this day. One month into living with her and she was accusing me of taking away all her time to make the free bedroom into her office. I know I made a mistake in not seeing time working on the room or just casually hanging out as quality time with her, but I wanted her to feel like that room was hers, and that I wasn't in her way. That she could make that room however she wanted. One day she stopped working on it and other days she also started hanging out with someone I found uncomfortable. This person was another one of her exes that she started recently reconnecting with. I told her it was uncomfortable but all I asked was not to hang out alone with him. if she was with people I knew would help watch over her and make sure that sexual assault wouldn't happen again. But to her that was controlling. All I wanted was her to be safe and yeah I didn't want to be cheated on again. but it was not my intention to pry into what was going on in those group situations. As long as I knew she was safe and happy. 2 Weeks ago though I went to work. I was stressed out by the night before and the issue i thought was happening. That she wasn't willing to change or adapt for me even though I had been so much to accommodate both her living with me and her boundaries and wants. On that day I was told by my mother that this girl was moving out. She had that ex and another guy pulling out all her stuff. I tried to call her while i was at work and finally got to talk to her only be calling my mom and my mom handing the phone to her. She just kept saying to stay at work. I felt myself breaking then. I left work and ran home locked those guys out and just begged for her to talk to me. That she can still move out fine. I knew this was temporary living but why could she not just talk to me before hand or tell me what was going on. After it all I was told she asked my mom how I would feel about her moving into that exes house and what I might do. She knew I was inwardly hostile but I wouldn't hurt anyone else. within the 2 weeks we did talk a bit. One thing was that at that time she was scared of me. That I would hurt her, her stuff, or her cats. After that day I tried to take my life again. I was stopped by my mother and the police that that ex called on me saying I was violent and going to hurt her. The next day I was let go and she came over again, the told me that she would be coming over and i made the one rule that if her ex comes with her i wont let anyone in the house. That I was shown so little care already and I dont want him around my home. At first he wasn't there, just her moms and the friend that set us up more or less. But he came. After I had let her come in to help me get her cats in carrier and we talked about the issues. That we both agreed it was soon to move into together and we never learned the quirks of talking and understanding one another. Words we used with each other meant and came off differently then the intent of the user. And that was fine. It was nice. We agreed that wed because of the situation take a break of sorts. Still be that we are in a relationship, just taking time for at least a week in order to think, recharge and maybe get back together. Maybe was a big thing though. She had been hurt in her past be more then just the sexual assault. A past full of guys that would say and do anything to get her back in bed or like her father just use her and see her more like a tool then a person. She knew that one other problem was that she saw me as a mixture of all the men in her past. they goggles she was wearing where so covered in the that those guys threw her way that when she looked at me she saw the shape but couldn't see who i was really. She had throughout our relationship compared me and told me she saw things that reminded her of them but I always tried to talk to her and show her, even change so I wouldn't be like them. and thought the 2 weeks I was trying a lot to prove to her that I wasn't them. that she was important to me that I can and will change for the better to make sure she feel comfortable. In this 2 weeks we hung out multiple times and even cuddled and laughed. Things where like when we first started dating. And I made it clear that It still wasn't okay the way she left. I had my feelings about this whole thing to, but she was more important then anger or sadness. When we where talking and together in person things felt nice. really happy and like we were making good progress on talking to and understanding one another. But, I dont know maybe she really felt it wasn't intentional to do any of this but, the friend who set us up told me my now ex made up her mind at the beginning of all of this. Well a few events happened in the past 2 weeks. One was My birthday, the day before thanksgiving. This day is an example of why i pointed out we were good in person together. In text she told me she was tired and that my birthday didn't matter enough to her for her to spend that day with me. She she told herself shed have dinner with me then go hang out with her friends alone then go home. She even told me that in truth she didn't even want to go at all, she was thinking of just canceling. Made a point to say I better feel special. but then that night we talked a lot and tried to clear the confusion a bit more. Throughout this time I always prefaced that I dont want her to give me her answer, just her thoughts at the moment. A way for me to deal with the silence and uncertainty from her day by day. I told her that the feelings of unknown hurt more then just ripping the band aid off. that closure was more important for my state of mind then anything and that i just needed hope that she wouldn't do the same thing as she did her ex. Just stop talking to, block from everything, and that is breaking up. When I found out that she made up her mind with no other information I started to break again. Our friend also told me that this ex also made a rule that she could not talk to me while he was around or at the house that she moved into with him and the other guy from the first day. The thoughts swarmed in my head. Was she just using me and being kind to me because she just wanted to get the rest of her stuff. And why wait? Why string me along for 2 weeks. in this time I started to see things I didn't pay attention to before. Things like she was willing in order to get more money to push out the friend who set us up together, and justified it by saying that this friend was young and could fail or fall, run back to home, and start over. it wouldn't be the end of the world for her. I also saw she would never say sorry even if she walked over your feet. She felt no guilty for moving out the way she did and she felt no guilt or blame for everything shes ever done. She was willing to do anything to get what she wanted even if it meant stepping on others to reach it. And I was that step. Maybe she didn't intend all this and maybe it wasn't all true. But I needed to know. I called her and left her a few messages about what I knew a bit about what I thought and I prefaced this is only my thoughts not the truth I have fully accepted as such. But if its true then to break up with me. To just pull the band aid off so I can see the wound and move on and let it heal. So now words from her. She blocked my numbers, blocked me on everything, and I haven't heard from her at all in the past few days. But truth is I always felt that I had an emptiness in me and after that first girl I mentioned I felt broke. I rebuilt a bit but this newer girl I told myself that she was important enough to put in my all, and make her feel loved, and cherished, and respected, like the other men in her life never did. She told me about her dreams of having her own place again with her cats where she can say its all hers. Her space. And she wanted to be more independent. Not feel like she was leaching or being held up by others. And those thoughts were things we talked about. That I want her to feel she has her own space and home, so I've been supporting her however she wants on finding that place. And I've made sure to back away from her so she feels like she can do things on her own but that if she stumbles or starts to fall that its not her relying on the help, and shes not not independent for having someone who want to be there to make sure she never has to feel the fall to the ground. Just to have back up. Truth is though I never got that closure. I dont know if she hates me, never loved me, left just because she wants her independence, or if i was left for the other guy. There is so many other things and I'm still living in the dark not knowing anything. the band aid is mostly ripped but the evidence of what caused the wound cant be known without seeing all the wound. And it hurts, every day it hurts. This time is worse then all the others. I put in all that I had left into this one and the emptiness inside me feels bigger. Not just bigger hole, more like there isn't anything left. It all feels gone. I dont have the drive to pick up again and start over. I dont feel like I have those dreams for my future any longer. I close my eyes and see no hope. no anything but the darkness in me now. And I still love her. If she did those bad things intentionally or unintentionally, I love her, but its not all about her. The darker thoughts just tell me over and over again "See your not worth it." The one you thought was different you turned into the same as all the rest. You failed to prove your worth the life your mother gave you, and the time she gave you. Everyone hates you obviously they are only kind to you by themselves because they have some sense of fear or guilt they might feel telling me I'm not worth it. They dont want to individually be responsible for my state of mind so they just wait and act until they get back with the group. The one person I know cares about me unconditionally is my mom, and i know I dont deserve that love. I can prove to her that I was worth all she went through. About 4 months ago my aunt shot herself in the head. No note, no warnings. She was just seen before that with my great grandmother and grandmother and she was smiling and going through her day. I see her as brave. To me she finally stopped living for other people and did what she wanted. I know its selfish to not think of how it affects others, but I've lived my life trying to make others happy and like me and see my worth as a person. I want to finally live for me, to do what I want and make myself finally feel free from it all. The expectations, the thoughts I'm not worth it, from those who just use me, and those who cant or wont see I try. I'm tired of always feeling I have no accomplishments. Everywhere I try to make others happy is always undercut but the end results. I try at a job for 2 years and make everyone see I'm good at what I do. I help and come in when needed, I do what is asked, even do other peoples jobs that they themselves never want to do. Then I bring in a person that I care about even in other examples just a new person comes in in general, and because they have a problem with me they start talking. They turn all the people I thought saw my worth and cared, against me. They turned so fast and so completely, that all that time and effort is gone. I've lost all of it and didn't even get the closure to think maybe I can rebuild and move on. I think back in my life and I see happy memories but they are all sad, because in the end of those they all end badly. Either someone, something, or even myself ruined it all. And people keep trying to tell me its just one situation, or one thing. that time will heal it. I just dont see it. Its so much more. I'm tired of feeling like this every day. I just wish and want it all to go away. To feel free and do what I want for me for once in my life.

[1a1a]

That was hard to read because no paragraphs but I made it through. Miscellaneous thoughts;

 

Jedi hugs if you would like them, all sorts of things happening in your interactions with other people that would wound anyone they happened to, and when they all get stacked on top of each other like that it gets exponentially harder to cope with.

 

Your grandparents, they suck, if you never interacted with them ever again I would cheer for you. Your cousins too. Your mum sounds lovely and I bet she does not feel like you need to prove the worthiness of your life. I'm glad you have a therapist and I wonder if you've discussed this burden of not feeling worthy with them? I wish I could give you some of my selfishness, I feel sad sure, often, but life is random chaos and I deserve to be alive as much as anyone else, so do you. Also I see a lot of cognitive distortions in your thoughts and I feel you would be immensely helped by being able to spot them and re write them closer to reality (I recognise them because there are cognitive distortions in my own thoughts).

 

I think you do have accomplishments. You've made it this far, you've held jobs, you've made friends and lovers (that they have not lasted is not the point, very few social connections last, being a person who is able to make them in the first place is important), you have a house of your own. Twice you've been able to shelter people who did Not have a house of their own.

 

I know what you mean about feeling empty when a partner leaves, they hollow out a space in you and take up residence and then they bail and it feels awful. And a lot of people (myself included) gravitate to filling that space with another partner. But there's another option, you can fill that space with you. Your hopes, your dreams, your career aspirations, your bucket list, your friends, your hobbies (Have no hobbies? I definitely didn't, why not try some things out? If you hate them stop going but you might find something you like and it will bring joy to your life).

 

I believe the feeling of wanting game over will pass, and I believe you can learn from your life and move forward, being more selective with your friends and partners (as your bad experiences contain the silver linings of giving you an idea of what to be wary of in the future). I think you are already worthy!!

[anonymoustree]

Look, its 4:00am, I have an 8:00am class soon, but I'm here responding to ur post because this means a lot to me. I have been through such severe depression that I lost the ability to cry, I lost the ability to feel emotional and physical pain, gaining it back slowly after recovering from anorexia, orthorexia, and bulimia. Let me tell you this; YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. guaranteed. I will not lie and say that I read your entire post, I am glad though that you vented all of your thoughts out. F*** all the people in your life that have made you feel worthless, and continue to make you feel this way. Family is the people you are born with, it doesn't mean you need them nor does it mean you should value what they say (except the people that do love and care for you such as your mom, in which case you are MORE THAN DESERVING of her love and care mmhm she's ur mom) From what I did read I am assuming you are older and independent. EMBRACE THIS!! F*** all the people that have screwed you over... there are enough people on this planet that will make you happy and emphasize your greatness.

Everyone who has hurt you for seemingly no reason does not deserve you and sooner or later you will meet people who don't hurt you like this.

Your upbringing was very harsh, but honestly it shouldn't affect your happiness. DONE LET IT!!! Look at yourself in the mirror and start talking to yourself in your head about what you like and don't like about yourself...

I can tell that you are a good person, with a lot of love to give. You just need to begin LOVING YOURSELF. You don't give yourself enough credit

Your hair is nice, even without knowing what your hair looks like I know it is nice, I think everyones hair is nice and unique in its own way. Some people have beautiful curls, others have silky straight hair, others have untamed frizz, wavy locks, dreads, I F***ing love peoples hair its so cool

One of the biggest things that helped me escape this depression bubble that I see you are in, was learning more about the world. Learning about WHY people around you act the way they do, and where people like this go in life as opposed to people like you.

Research veganism. Its F***ing interesting dude, watch some freelee the banana girl on youtube and have a laugh

Draw smiley faces on the tips of your fingers. IT WILL MAKE YOU SMILE

Research the 1950s and CIA operations like operation mockingbird, super interesting sh**

I don't know who you are, but I love you and I think you are great and awesome. I have been in your shoes and I know how you feel. I know this post might not make a big difference but trust me you will meet someone some day who reassures you that you are PERFECT, give random people compliments like "I really like your glasses where are they from?" and sh** like that. Just give out compliments to strangers you pass by in life... it will brighten your day and compliments will come back to you. I'm sure theres much to compliment you about

SMOKE SOME GANJA!!! FR I'm not encouraging you do this often but it does help. Makes you think everything is a good idea and sends good vibes

Remember that life is a joke and bad sh** gets thrown at random people for no reason, but that good sh** gets thrown around too and sooner or later you will catch the good sh**.

I PROMISEEEEE someone or something will flip your life around, maybe it will be you, and you wake up and realize that ur the T I T S!!!

Ok its 4:43 am now, so I'm gonna sleep and wake up for my math class... I spent this time writing for you because YOU DESERVE IT and you deserve much more. I know you feel like you are worthless and meaningless, but nobody is that. Try to change your state of mind, watch the sunset and blast REGGAE music because that sh** puts u in a good mood. Listen to the song "out sight" by DRAM... idk one of my faves to jam out to. Watch family guy sometimes, funny asfuccc... AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, don't let the toxic people around you get in your head!! eventually the toxic people will leave (And I know there are toxic people around you, even if you don't realize it yet, because that is the only reason you would feel the way you are feeling), you will be happy in the end

As for relationship advice, write some separate forums regarding those, plenty of people on here will help you figure it out