I don't want to commit suicide but I cant live with this any more

[IdRatherNot]

Hopefully and by the grace of God nobody has to see this note. But if you manage to stumble across it and you know me, it wasn’t your fault. It was nobody’s fault. It was mine. I was once told before you blame others, take a look at yourself, and ask, was it really them? Or was it me? The truth is, it is my fault, it always is, if I don’t blame myself, then nobody owns up to their stupidity. I did it so much that it became normal. I was one of those people that did not have an ego, I killed it (ironic use of words there, LOL) but as I always used to say, it was my fault. It was my fault that I was so nice to people and they took advantage of it, If I was not so nice maybe I wouldn’t have to type this up. Nobody to talk to deeply for my whole life, just bloody unfair. I was always second choice or second best to everyone. In groups of 2 in an odd class, if left to the students alone, I’d have to pair up with the teacher because I’d be the last man standing. I don’t even get added to group chats till I ask. No one ever remembers me. I’m just used by everyone around me, if I don’t help, I’m called evil because of the times I don’t help (which is rare). How does someone become friends with everyone but friends with no one? It doesn’t make any sense what so ever. If people are upset or angry, I always calm them down and try to help the out, the days I’m angry and upset, people get angry at me for being angry and then out shout me, as I usually do, I blame myself and apologise, the person now feels like because I’m angry and I’m not angry all the time, they can make me smile it away, but the truth is, you can’t hide behind clear glass, but you can always hide behind always smiling or always laughing, if you think I’m joking, just ask me. Always smiling, never ‘angry’. I just want some real friends, I can’t believe I have been on the planet for 17 years, and I still don’t have people to tell what I’m typing. In primary school I did, but people used to say we were too close, and then one day I just didn’t speak to him because I was ashamed of myself and listened to what they were saying,(killing my ego before it ever existed), didn’t speak to him for a while. By the time I come back, I’m second best to him. Why? My other friend was now his best friend. I let it go. I tried again in High school, and just like the first one, after a while, I was 2nd best to another friend. This made me think day and night about this happening and it could just be a coincidence. 3 years after being 3rd wheeled, we graduated, and I still talk to the people that were once my best friends. I still don’t have the person I can talk to. I love my parents, but the truth is I can’t tell them, I’m deeply sorry as it isn’t their fault, and don’t be offended, but I just can’t tell them. Don’t bother asking about a girlfriend, I am a decent looking guy who has turned down many relationships because I want to have friends. Don’t say I’m gay either, I’m perfectly straight, but You need your bro you know? Girls are nice and all, but a friend I can talk to is all I want. I get to my foundation school with a new slate, I find a person and things progress well, as I type this, I’m now 2nd best once again, and this time, he is the friend of the person that stole my best friend in elementary school, and the worst part is, he is being 2nd bested by the person that is making him to 2nd best me,– Anon suicidal note

Suicide is extreme, but I’m not going to lie that I have thought about it, someone help me, why does this keep happening? Is it just me? Am I just not supposed to have one? I’m so confused. I’m just extremely sick and tired of this. I am socially active and friendly, I’m a funny person, I’m not ugly, I do a lot of interesting stuff like magic which is such a public act but still, zero. What to do, what to do?

[SweetGirl28]

You don't want to die, you want your pain and frustration to end.

 

You can call a suicide hotline for immediate help, and you need to get therapy and medication

to help you cope.

 

Most of us have been right where you are, and many are still. Youre not alone.

 

Death is a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem.

There is hope, light, love, laughter, fun and great memories to be had.

 

You did the right thing by posting here. Continue to talk, let this out.

We are here to listen.

[1a1a]

I have found best friends and friends of the same gender elusive too. Some of us have a much more narrow band of people who are Our people than others. Keep going, keep meeting people, keep doing all you can dream of to make your life the most awesome it can be. Friends are as much a numbers game as dating.

 

Jedi hugs if you’d like them

[Peter1223344]

Don't do it my friend.

Do you know chances of any single person being alive today? its like 1 in 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (that number isn't even close)

My point is, life is precious! VERY PRECIOUS!

Things will be brighter down the road... But in my experience, down the road can be a hell of a lot sooner if you truly work on yourself, in every possible way!