I think I was a rebound, but looking for opinions

[jackofmany]

So it's now been two months since I was utterly blindsided by a breakup, and I have been cycling through all the grief emotions. For a good while there I was just stewing in anger, but what is surprising me at the moment is just this sudden feeling of missing her. I want to try to tell this story as best as I can from her perspective, because I am looking for insight from women in particular on her behavior. For a while there, I just settled on believing she had used me for a rebound and was purely angry, but it goes like this:

 

Several months ago she made a decision to move out of this small town and head to California, because she said this place was making her miserable and to some extent that had to do with having to keep running into an ex who's heart she had broken. Not too much detail on that except she said it was a sexless relationship. I'd always thought she was extremely attractive, but had decided she was too young for me, and it looked like she was with another guy anyway, so I did nothing.

 

Then about a month and half before she was scheduled to move I noticed her behavior toward me change dramatically. If I hadn't ruled her out due to the age difference I would have picked up on it, but to me she was in a different category. I mean, there was even one night where she went so far as to say, "You want to hang out later?" and I just blew her off like she was joking and went home. When I say she escalated it from there I am not exaggerating. She was 28. I was 49. So, eventually, I gave in and we ended up sleeping together at her place.

 

Now, the guy who I had assumed she was with was no longer around all that much, though she was reading a book he had given her, and they seemed to have transitioned to friends. He was going through a divorce and I think that might have had something to do with why they back off from each other; he was not emotionally as ready as he might have thought. That's a guess on my part.

 

Anyway, I resolve to keep things light because she is moving and we more or less do, but then, as happens, I realize I am actually beginning to fall for her, and she says she is falling for me too, much harder than she expected. She starts to talk about not wanting to leave and where was I all this time and that sort of thing. This puts me in a tricky position, because I don't want her to move, but I can also imagine if I convince her to stay when she has the opportunity for a free place to stay out in CA for a couple of months, and she still feels miserable, she'd resent me for it. So I tell her, "I don't want you to go. I really don't. But I know you have to go. It's a paradox I guess, but I need you to know both things."

 

This leaves just about seven weeks. Normally, I would pace myself in a situation like this, but she is leaving and I feel like I want to make an impression. Maybe two weeks in, something kind of clicks and suddenly we are spending every night together. The sexual chemistry seems off the charts. All of it does. Of course, she is still reading that book. One night, as we are talking in bed, not during sex, but you know lazing around after, she uses his name instead of mine and catches herself. I don't mention it. I should have, but I didn't.

 

It's non stop text messages with innuendo, sexy pictures, and more and more intimate nights until it is time for her to go. The night before she leaves she puts together a small gathering of friends to say goodbye. I go. So does the other guy. At one point a mutual friend of ours notices me noticing them talking and says to me, "Don't worry about that. He just follows her around like a puppy everywhere she goes." I don't worry about it. In fact, I mention this to her and tell her I'm not particularly jealous if people want to talk to their exes. She says nothing of note about this.

 

Then she moves, across the country. I promise I will visit and we make out passionately before she leaves.

 

About three or four weeks later, as we have been talking and texting every day, I fly out to go see her. We share a room for a week and a half. Everything seems amazing, even better than where we left it. Somewhere along the line we start admitting that we had fallen in love (mind you, I warned myself not to let this happen with a girl that much younger than me, but it did). We have a great time that whole week and a half and when it comes time to part at the airport, this time it really hurts. Both of us. She mentions being torn about staying out there.

 

Her birthday is now just about three weeks away.

 

Her best friend comes to visit her for a couple of weeks right after I return home. I hear a little less from her during this time. Then I get really sick and have a bit more trouble connecting to her when we talk on the phone. She mentions this. That is seems like I am becoming distant. I assure her I am not, just that I'm sick and sometimes have trouble on the phone. For the first time since we met, there is noise in the channel, but we push through it and I offer to buy her a ticket to come visit as a sort of mutual birthday gift, since mine is in fact just five weeks away.

 

At first she accepts. Then during another call she says she thinks she should pay for it because she is not sure if she will want to fly back and etc. I think she starts to mention the idea of staying at a friends. Either way it doesn't last long because she realizes she can't afford it. We keep talking and texting but it seems to me something has changed. We have a conversation about it one night and she talks about us in a way that is entirely different than I had heard previously. Our recent phone exchanges, according to her, have made her feel distant from me. I assure her I love her and we talk this through. By the end of the conversation, I am under the impression we have worked out a difficult moment. She sends me a little

 

Her birthday is now in two days.

 

One her birthday, I try calling but get voicemail. I send a text, "Are you having a good birthday?" To which, "I am!"

 

I call her the next day and she sounds down. I ask her what is the matter.

 

She sighs, "There's not getting around this. x is here. He asked me if he could visit and I told him no but he came anyway. He just showed up at my work on my birthday. It makes me kind of angry."

 

Being supremely naive and stupid I just ask her if she is trying to tell me anything deeper. She says, "no."

 

Fast forward a few weeks where we seem to be returning to normal in our phone conversations. More texts. More pictures back and forth. But in retrospect I realize something was missing. Less "sweetie" and "honey". Less sexual innuendo. Then, a couple of days before she is scheduled to fly back, with me continuing to tell her how excited I am going to be to see her and her saying the same thing (the ex, by this time has also been back for about two weeks), I get a text saying, "Hey I gotta have a quick chat with u". I get a bad feeling about it.

 

Well, that conversation turns out to be about how something happened between them while he was out there (duh! denial is crazy) and it with breaking horror it dawns on me that she is not talking about any kind of lost lonely moment of weakness but is now telling me she is in love with two people and feels like she has to make a choice.

 

She flies back.

 

We meet up for dinner. I figure we will get around to talking about this sooner or later, but I'll start it on the right foot and just get her to relax and laugh. This happens. Midway through dinner she just leans over and starts making out with me at the table. I take this as a sign that it was just the distance that made her forget our connection. I walk her home. We make out more. I have to work the next day. She is here on vacation. So she goes out for a bit, then comes back to my place at the end of the night and sleeps with me. We make out a bit before sleep, but something seems off. I don't pressure her. Just put my arms around her and hold her while she sleeps. For a few seconds there, I notice she is crying.

 

In the morning I leave her a love note and when I get home from work I notice she has also left me one. Things start to get real confusing. We meet to discuss the night and the notes and she acknowledges a confusion and I say well then we shouldn't be sleeping together. We "break up." She repeats this thing about confusion and being in love with two people at the same time. Etc. I tell her take care of herself and give her a loving kiss. I'll try she says, and walks away.

 

Thought that would be it right there, and it sucked, sucked knowing she was still in town. But that's what happened. Later she starts texting me, "ouch. this hurts" and "why can't I come sleep with u?"

 

We meet up again. I tell her I would prefer to have her sleep with me every night. I am fairly open about my feeling with her. She tells me that one of her problems with me when she was that I was always putting no pressure on her, saying everything could be "light" and it made her feel like I was indifferent. I assure her I am not (even though in the beginning she was the one who asked if we could keep it light). We spend another night together. This time, in the morning, we have sex, and linger in bed for hours. She seems really happy. Like genuinely really happy. But when I ask her if I can take her out to dinner, she gets a little sheepish. She is supposed to leave the following day. I tell her I want to take her out and treat her like a queen. Etc . . . It seems both good and bad. She takes off to start her day.

 

Four hours later I get a phone call and I can hear something in her voice, "I'm afraid no matter what I do I'm going to break your heart." This tells me everything I need to know, but we meet up to talk anyway. Ooof. This hurts to write. She had gone to meet her ex. Her ex and her have "unfinished business." She is going forward with him. She is still in love with me, in love with both of us in different ways, but has to make a decision. She is crying.

 

I make my only case, the one I flew her across the country to make. I tell her I am saying these things because I need her to hear them, not because of what she just told me. I talk about the possibility of an amazing life together. But I tell her I heard what she said and there is nothing I can do but let her go. She asks me what I need from her. "Space?" she says. Yes, I agree. I will need space. I start to realize we are going to go in a circle. I have said what I can, let her know I love her, etc . . . but she has made a decision. I suggest I walk her to her car. I do. We hug and both say, "I love you," at the same time, like weirdos.

 

To lighten the moment, I say, "We'll always have Montreal," because that was our best excursion. Then I put my hand gently on her face kiss her her softly on the lips and say, "I hope you change your mind," and walk away. Hardest thing I've done. It hurt like hell.

 

The following day, the day she is supposed to leave, I get a text message saying in so many words. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was conflicted sooner. I didn't realize how much I was going to love you. I thought I could just bury my past because I was so confident in my love for you. You are unlike anyone I have ever loved. I'm sorry and I want you to forgive me. I'll be waiting."

 

I do note the way this is phrased, "I want . . . I will be waiting." And I think, well that's selfish, and not how I would go about giving someone space. I do not reply. The following day I get another text, "I don't expect u to say anything, but I find your silence upsetting. You walked away so easily."

 

Well, that got to me. I replied. More or less I said, consider how you acted this week, the way you were with me. The way you were the morning you decided to go back to your ex, who you stayed an extra day to go out with. That was poison. I didn't walk away. You did. Live with your decision and leave me alone.

 

As you can see, I lost my cool, and engaged. This could not have gone worse. I start to get more messages, saying she would like to talk again, for closure. I do not reply. Then I get one that spits vile at me, saying I am the one who is being poison and a coward for sending an accusatory text after we said goodbye and then just not replying. This leads eventually to a conversation on the phone which is a dim reflection of the one we had in the park, except now she is a little less ambiguous. She talks about it being "too late" for us and "why it didn't work out" as well as makes a firmer sounding pitch about her ex, what he did right, why she is going in that direction.

 

She says she is still in love with me, that her feelings haven't changed, etc. But this changes nothing and I really don't get why she is saying it. I recognize the moment again. Things are about to go in a circle. Plus I can hear in her voice she is getting tired. If nothing else I am going to initiate getting off the phone. This time I don't say I love her I just tell her I wish her well and that I am now going to go back to what I said in the park and take the space I need. I tell her I don't fall in love easily and I don't fall out of love easily. We were both poetry nerds. I tell her Pablo Neruda said it better than I will say it anyway in his poem If You Forget Me. Finally, exhaustingly, I say, without meaning to, "You have my love." I hear her say something like, "I hope we talk again . . ." but I can't tell if she says 'soon' or 'someday' because I am in the middle of saying, "I wish you all the best." And I get the hell off the phone.

 

We haven't spoken since.

 

A week or so later I learn her ex is going to move out to CA. About a week after that I get a text from her just saying, "Hi. I hope your are well. Thinking of and missing you . . ."

 

I decide not to reply to this.

 

Another week or two go by and I learn that no, in fact she is moving back here to give things a shot with the ex. Moving into a room in the house where he and his ex wife had lived. It's funny, but right up until she told me she and he had 'unfinished business' she was always saying that he was just trying to fill a void over his ex wife. Somehow or another, he convinced her otherwise. I do not think their divorce is finalized. But she said things to me like, "He had a list," and "He made me an offer." Things I didn't ask after and probably don't care to know.

 

And that's where I am. Out of touch with her, but bound to run into her sooner or later and likely with this guy.

 

I never did get to say some of the things I wanted to because I was so shocked and in denial when she first sprung all this on me. Part of me is angry because I feel like there were three full weeks when she knew she was at least torn between the two of us when she said nothing to me about it. In fact, she kept sending me little text reminders that she was thinking of me or loved me, albeit very suddenly absent her normal sexual innuendo.

 

So that's a lot to digest and thanks anyone who made it this far.

 

Here are the things I am most curious about:

 

1) Is it possible she really thought she was over this guy when she says she fell for me?

2) Is it possible she was using me as a rebound but genuinely didn't know it?

3) If either of those are true, how could it be that she went from not having feelings for him to moving in with him so quickly?

4) Should I ever resume contact with her?

5) How do I play it when I run into her or them, both of which are inevitable?

 

And to the women out there . . . how do you read her behavior?

[DimCrayola]

Ok so I read it all and I have to say you come off as a beautiful person. Accepting and good at communicating. You also seem intuitive and self aware.

 

I can't say for sure what she is or was thinking but I can say that deep down it seems as though she is lacking self love and that comes out in her confusion as to what love is, how to value it, and how to nurture it. She is confused about herself and life and is probably nursing some deep wounds without knowing it. She is not self aware as you are and she will find all of her relationships conflicted and underwhelming until she learns to accept and love herself.

 

She is leaving you for a married man. That has danger built into it. At any moment he can decide to go back to his wife or that jumping in with her so soon after being married was a mistake. There is the potential for abandonment and yet the potential for smothering as well. She is already moving in with him...AND there is the danger in that too. There will be doubt in her mind (its obvious because she still texts you) and perhaps resentment on the end of the man she is living with. He can't feel good about her seeing you and loving both of you...if he even knows.

 

None of that seems to be healthy. I commend you for trying to stick to your guns on the no contact as that is no easy feat. I just see you getting hurt because of all of the underlying issues she has.

 

As for resuming contact I'd seriously ask yourself to take note of how you feel when you are in contact with her and then how you feel just after? If you feel bad then you have your answer.

 

If you run into her with that other guy be you. Do what feels right, maybe a wave or a nod. Maybe just a quick smile. I don't imagine that you three would share a table or even a chat so maybe just focus on what YOU need in a moment like that. If you need to excuse yourself or ignore the run in - do it. Right now it is all about doing what is healthiest for you because I don't get the feeling she is looking for your best interests as she isn't looking out for her own.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I someone like you in my life. I am going through something similar (the ping pong relationship) but going on year four now. I am trying to just honor myself and show some self respect by setting healthy boundaries. It's a struggle every day and the pain is absolutely exquisite.

[reinventmyself]

Ouch.

First off I will tell you you appear to be a mature, classy man and handled that with patience and grace.

 

Yes, you lost your cool for a moment but she deserved it. Her continual contact is self serving.

She knows how you feel and she is trying to make it your job to assuage her guilt. But, no. . . just no.

You mean her no harm and yet you wish her well. But the way she handled this is on her conscious and hers to work out.

 

Hard to answer your questions. Trying to make sense of things in moments like this is normal, but ask yourself this question: Does it change the outcome? When I look at it that way, I am able to let go of all the what if's and why's.

 

Yes, you were a rebound. But she clearly cared about you. Unfortunately you caught each other during big life changes and didn't have a solid foundation to weather the changes. She regrets how it turned out. But it doesn't change the outcome.

 

Don't contact her. . Honestly, why would you?

[jackofmany]

Well, the urge to contact her is odd, I admit.

 

Part of it has to do with the fact that with the way she sprung things on me, at the very last minute and while I was completely in shock, didn't allow me to really process some of the inconsistencies in her story, nor the fact that she kept her feelings about her ex hidden from me for almost a month, if not throughout our relationship. Part of it is just denial and bargaining. Of that I am certain. So I don't do it. It's funny, like a week or so after we had our in person breakup conversation, I was finally getting out of the super depressed part of things (not out of those woods yet frankly) and as I was cleaning my room came across one of her favorite necklaces, the one she was wearing the last night we spent together, by the side of the bed.

 

For a little while there I was going to mail it to her in CA. It's in a box in my garage now. She has to have figured out where it is. It has less hold over me now, but it used to tempt me every day as a way to make contact. I still toy with the idea of giving it to a mutual friend, but something feels odd about that. And also, just because you guys have been so sweet and complimentary to me, I will tell you this. I would NEVER do this, but there is a part of me that wants to just give it to her ex and say, "Your girlfriend left this by the side of my bed the day you guys got back together." Again, I would never do that. But it's hard not to picture sometimes. That's the anger. I am trying to get rid of that anger.

 

As for how they do, well, I think the main thing he must have convinced her of is that he is over his ex or soon to be ex wife. That in their time apart he realized how much he loved her, etc . . . She talked a bit about him being so confident and making her an offer. Whatever that was. That sort of drives me crazy too. Not knowing. Some of this is because she really screwed with my head by saying "I'm still in love with you" while breaking up with me. I shouldn't think of them at all, I know. But unfortunately, I do. It seems like everything is lined up for them, and I am just going to have to take blow after blow as they move through all the steps and eventually put their kid through college.

 

Yes, I do know I will be over it by then. I do. I am more over it now than I was a month ago. Then I really did keep fantasizing that we could get back together. Now I just want to get over this massive anxiety about seeing them out and her seeing how badly she messed me up. Of course, she probably has some clue to that.

 

The one thing I keep coming back to is this couldn't have been as surprising to her as she says. I don't think. I mean, how do you go from being involved with one guy (me) to unexpectedly (maybe) running into your ex, with whom you have maintained friendship, then to moving in together. Something doesn't add up.

[jackofmany]

DimCrayola, I'm sorry you are also hurting. It's remarkable how much these sort of things can take over all of your emotional space. Hang in there.

[SweetGirl28]

I did this in my really young and dumb years.

 

Broke up with my first love because he cheated, hooked up with another guy, got engaged.

Broke off the engagement to go back to my ex, then broke up with him again and went back

to my ex fiancée, got married, got divorced, and ended up back with my first love again!

That ended again, because that same girl who would never go away, that he cheated with, was still

around. He later ended up marrying and divorcing her. We are friends, but live on different coasts now.

 

happens. Emotional immaturity, conflicting feelings, memories, loving words ....it all messes with a young mind.

We all want what we can't have.......

[jackofmany]

Oh, and lastly. She did stop contacting me. That last "I miss you .. " text was when she was still in CA, almost a month ago. I think she got the point when I didn't reply. She certainly hasn't been in touch since she moved back. I guess it seems inappropriate both ways now that I think about it, if either of us were to get in touch with the other now.

[reinventmyself]

I think it's possible she loved you both. It likely feels like everything was a lie at this point, but you two did have something. Whatever it was. Don't let this take away from that or define you in any way. Unfortunately she wanted something else in the end.

 

It sounds like she may have left her relationship at a time because there was something she wanted and wasn't getting.

I can only imagine how enticing it must feel to be offered what she wanted all along. That sounds like the conflict she was having. One can only guess her having a new man in her life gave her some leverage.

 

The one thing I keep coming back to is this couldn't have been as surprising to her as she says. I don't think. I mean, how do you go from being involved with one guy (me) to unexpectedly (maybe) running into your ex, with whom you have maintained friendship, then to moving in together. Something doesn't add up.

 

But this didn't happen in an instant. You, yourself shared with us the times they met up. Friends or more than friends. Those are the times you were aware of, but there were likely several that you weren't. Not to mention the discussions that had to be going on.

 

She overlapped you both. Her seeming surprised is a distraction from that fact. Sorry, don't mean to sound insensitive. It just looks different from this side. I am sure your experience is different as well.

[jackofmany]

I don't think you sound insensitive at all. What you are saying about overlapping is precisely what I am realizing had to be happening. It is her story that it was sudden. Part of me just want her to know I don't buy it.

 

But then I think, what good would that do?

 

I'll say this too, because it is part of what makes me angry. When she and I got together at first there was another woman who was quite obviously interested in me and who got quite upset when it became clear what was going on. We had a conversation then. She wanted to make sure I didn't have any 'romantic overlap' going on. Her exact words. I assured her I didn't. Seems like that might have been an occasion to mention something.

 

Thanks so much for your insight. I think you are spot on. It helps a lot.

[reinventmyself]

What you are saying about overlapping is precisely what I am realizing had to be happening. It is her story that it was sudden. Part of me just want her to know I don't buy it.

 

Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt that in the beginning it wasn't her intention to overlap.

The all of sudden part. . I don't buy.

[jackofmany]

Yes, reinventmyself, that is what I am trying to do, give her the benefit of the doubt. I do believe most of the things she said, except the sudden part. I think she was genuinely confused for a while and knew she had to make a decision. I'm not crazy about how that last week went down, because it lifted me up so high only to get sent crashing down to earth.

 

Love seems like a see-saw that way. The most dangerous moment is when one partner is up high and the other down low. Because when the one who is down low gets off suddenly the one who is up high is apt to break something on the way down.

 

My goal, when all is said and done, is to forgive her. She doesn't have to know about it, but I have to do it or I will stay attached to this, and to them, forever. I have thought a little bit about what I would say to her if we ever do have a conversation about it again. So long as I mean it, I suppose it would be something along the lines of "I don't judge you for loving x. Love is love. For that, you have my forgiveness already. But I can't make myself forget the way things happened. I'm sure you would have prefered something different as well. I miss you too, but it did real damage."

 

Something like that. That's a fantasy though.

 

All the things you are saying help a lot. For the last two months I have not allowed myself to see her point of view. With time, it is becoming easier to do that. I suppose that is why this feeling of missing her came back so strongly these last few days. I had convinced myself to see her as a player, someone who hurt me out of selfishness. Now I am starting to remember what I really did love about her, and it hurts.

 

I also want to forgive her because I don't want to stay out of the dating game forever. Right now, I feel like it would be entirely unfair for me to date, because this would be in the background. I suppose I am being impatient with myself. Some of that is amplified by the fact that she gets to go immediately be happy while I suffer. As you say though, it is what it is.

 

Acceptance is the hard part.

[DimCrayola]

Jackofmany, I truly think that she is unclear on what it is SHE wanted and needed. Sometimes when we don't truly know how to be honest with ourselves we convince ourselves of things like being in love with two people...you may see clearly now that there was overlap but the real issue is was she being dishonest with herself, or you, or both. What's worse is I don't know what the best outcome in that scenario is. I mean if she was honest with herself then she clearly was dishonest with you and intended to be. If she lied to herself then you were really in a losing spot to being with. See? No good answer here.

 

It could be that she has a serious issue with being alone partnered with self esteem issues. Some people just cannot be single so they are unable to "disconnect" from past relationships and often have several possible potential mates even if it's just a bunch of male friends that she knows would be with her if she gave them the chance...this kind of feels like a security blanket against being alone or abandoned.

 

SO much of how you described her really makes me think she has some bigger issues to deal with. The rub here is that she hurt you AND until she deals with her issues she's never going to be able to have an honest, open, and truly loving relationship. In fact the prospect of that probably terrifies her and makes her feel she is not worthy.

 

I can say all of this without judgment because I have been there myself. I never had two people on the hook whom I thought I was in love with but when I did find myself in a relationship if it in any way seemed to hit choppy water I noticed I reached out to an old ex or a male friend I knew had feelings for me. I was scared to be completely vulnerable.

 

I often ran from partners who were clear communicators and were direct about their expectations and ended up with people who were less than suitable partners...again it was MY low self esteem. I am not judging her I m just seeing a pattern of behavior that is not healthy and is indicative of some deeply rooted family of origin issues.

 

What is keeping you spinning is the questions and hindsight being 20/20. Now that you have had time to see things clearer you are noticing that she was not being honest with you and was probably less that transparent about how her ex came to "just show up at her work" among a few other instances you described.

 

Think about it...If your ex from another state just shows up to your workplace on your birthday after you told them not to come then usually you'd have serious concerns developing that this person is on the verge of stalking...if she really didn't want him to be there she would have been much more upset and certainly would not have spent time with him. There was always something off about that but because you gave her trust, respect, and space she didn't really have to do much explaining.

 

You deserved better. I am sure there were some very intimate moments in which she was authentic but its what she did when you weren't right in front of her that harmed the ability for you two to grow your intimate moments into a real life together. You shouldn't have been an option...something she needed to mull over or decide on. It should have been as simple as we like each other; there is something there and I want to see where it goes...

 

Normally the odds are against new couples succeeding and that odds continue to stack up exponentially when one person moves...why make it worse by allowing unfinished business with exes to add to the decreased probability of things working out?

 

I've learned, and I hope she does too, that when you find something real it's worth protecting and its worth honesty. If you are torn then take time for yourself and figure out why you're not done with what seemed to be a toxic past partner...

 

She seems like she has some good qualities and I can almost promise you that you saw those and so much more in her...but perhaps you are missing the damaged part of her that doesn't know how to really "commit" to one person wholeheartedly. That is where you got the short end of the stick. BUT I can almost promise (and I feel bad for saying this) that your fear of seeing them have a great life unfold in front of you including nuptials and putting a kid or two through college won't be the case. They have a rocky past peppered with the added bitterness of YOU mixed in sooooo chances are there isn't a strong foundation there. He hurt her, she hurt him...usually not a lot of good comes out of relationships that start off like that.

 

The best revenge here is to live your best life and from what your posts have indicated you are already ahead of the game!

 

P.s. I know it isn't nice but sometimes just having those fantasies of telling her beau that she left her necklace by YOUR bed the day they got back together do help to harness the anger and allow you to move. Anger can be empowering if dealt with and acknowledged in a healthy way. Journal those day dreams to release them and use them to remember who you are...above that all and still at least able to admit to the thoughts

[jackofmany]

Thanks again, Dim Crayola. I appreciate your perspective and time as well.

 

I think a lot about what you said about giving her trust and space and respect. In fact, when her ex was out there, another mutual friend warned me about it (she had already told me he was there at this point), and what I told that friend was I was not going to freak out and start fighting over her. That she was in charge of her own decisions and if she was going to make that choice then what could I really do but wait and see.

 

I am upset it took her so long to tell me something had happened. During our last conversation, as I mentioned, I brought up the poem "If You Forget Me," by Pablo Neruda.

 

When our mutual friend told me her ex had gone out there to make a play for her, I showed her that poem too. In some ways, I still feel it, although the last stanza, the one I was hoping to get to, never did play out.

 

It's here if you want to look. I think it is sad and beautiful:

 

 

[jackofmany]

Well, the inevitable happened, I ran into her. Thankfully, not with her new guy, but it was a test of sorts. I don't think I handled it all that great. I was at a disadvantage to begin with, because it had been a long, long, day and I was tired and had been out drinking with friends for a while. We were at an outside bar. I was with a small group, a couple of other guys and a handful of girls. One of the girls came up to me and said, "Hey. I just thought you should know, so and so is here."

 

This would have been a good time to leave.

 

I almost did. But then I thought, "No. I'm not running away." I knew she would be there without her guy, because he is in a band that was playing out of town. So anyway, I decide to stick around and before I know it, I look up and there she is, standing directly across from me. We make eye contact and I wave and say hi. She does the same. This could have been in, but -- and I kind of want to smack myself for this -- I make a small gesture with my arms that indicates its okay to approach for a hug. This happens.

 

Everything from there on out is a blur. We talked. I know it was mostly small talk and went "well," but for the life of me I can't remember the conversation. I think it was a mixture of nervousness and drinking. I knew I was not at my best, but I could also see she had been drinking a bit, and somehow or another the conversation must have ended, and I left the bar and went home before another one could happen.

 

When I woke up the next day I saw a couple texts on my phone that came in right around last call. One just said my name, but the diminutive form, what she used to call me. The other just said "u disappeared?"

 

For what it's worth, I chose not to respond to these, and it makes me feel a little weird. The thing is hugging her, and talking like that, I'm sure made her feel like I was cool with everything. I'm not. I'm sure we didn't talk about anything particularly serious or her new guy or I would remember that.

 

But it is bugging me. I still actually really want space. I'm not ready to be friends, and I certainly don't want to have a repeat performance when and if I run into her and her guy.

 

There's not way she texted me afterwards if I didn't make her feel comfortable. I'm not sure that's what I would have preferred to do. Main takeaway here is: Don't drink like that in situations where I can run into her.

 

Honestly, I can't believe I hugged her. She has this power over me and I can't seem to shake it.

[jackofmany]

I know it may sound trivial, but I am curious to know what you guys think about how that kind of interaction comes off. I didn't say anything mean or petty, I'm sure of that, and avoided all conversation of substance. But am I still coming off like a doormat, you know?

[SweetGirl28]

I know it may sound trivial, but I am curious to know what you guys think about how that kind of interaction comes off. I didn't say anything mean or petty, I'm sure of that, and avoided all conversation of substance. But am I still coming off like a doormat, you know?

 

I think you did okay, but granted alcohol and an ex don't mix well.

You didn't run, you were cordial and hopefully kept the conversation to a minimal time.

Not responding to her texts was good. Keep pushing forward .

[jackofmany]

I think you did okay, but granted alcohol and an ex don't mix well.

You didn't run, you were cordial and hopefully kept the conversation to a minimal time.

Not responding to her texts was good. Keep pushing forward .

 

Thanks for the opinion.

 

The one thing that bugs me about it is that I never did tell her what the way she handled things did to the trust between us. I suppose she must know. I am one of those people who actually almost always ends up friends with their exes, after some time and work has gone by, so long as no-one really twisted a knife in the other's back.

 

I started this thread to try to get some perspective that would help me see her in a different light, but I have to admit, it is not easy.

 

The notion that she might think we are just casual run-in pals now kind of irks me.

 

I appreciate the thought about the texts. I almost used those as an excuse to try to take back the interaction, which is, of course, impossible.

 

It's frustrating.

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks for the opinion.

 

The one thing that bugs me about it is that I never did tell her what the way she handled things did to the trust between us. I suppose she must know. I am one of those people who actually almost always ends up friends with their exes, after some time and work has gone by, so long as no-one really twisted a knife in the other's back.

 

I started this thread to try to get some perspective that would help me see her in a different light, but I have to admit, it is not easy.

 

The notion that she might think we are just casual run-in pals now kind of irks me.

 

I appreciate the thought about the texts. I almost used those as an excuse to try to take back the interaction, which is, of course, impossible.

 

It's frustrating.

 

In every breakup, we start thinking of the past, and the things we never got to say.

But thinking of the would've, could've, should've isn't useful post breakup unless you

are both willing to talk to reconsider the relationship.

 

You're still hurting. I'm not certain that she is. Whenever someone can act friendly like that , in the

way you say she is, most often means they have closed the door on their feelings. That's why it

becomes easy to be around that person again. In your case, you are still jaded. Don't contact her.

I know it's do hard but don't be the guy on the sidelines. It isn't fair to you.

[jackofmany]

In every breakup, we start thinking of the past, and the things we never got to say.

But thinking of the would've, could've, should've isn't useful post breakup unless you

are both willing to talk to reconsider the relationship.

 

You're still hurting. I'm not certain that she is. Whenever someone can act friendly like that , in the

way you say she is, most often means they have closed the door on their feelings. That's why it

becomes easy to be around that person again. In your case, you are still jaded. Don't contact her.

I know it's do hard but don't be the guy on the sidelines. It isn't fair to you.

 

Oh, I don't think she's hurting. She's in love with someone else and they are together. She just kind of swapped me out for him, and pretty quickly too.

 

The only contact I would even consider would be something along the lines of "Listen, I was kind of drunk the other night and don't especially remember talking. To be honest, it was a mistake. I have no problem being civil, but the fact I find it impossible to trust you, as a friend or anything else. I wish you the best. But l don't want that to happen again."

 

But then I consider how I would feel if I just got a text back saying something like, "Okay. Sorry." and realize that would probably hurt me more. I guess I'll just have to accept the fact of that interaction and try to do better next time. Ugh.

[SweetGirl28]

Oh, I don't think she's hurting. She's in love with someone else and they are together. She just kind of swapped me out for him, and pretty quickly too.

 

The only contact I would even consider would be something along the lines of "Listen, I was kind of drunk the other night and don't especially remember talking. To be honest, it was a mistake. I have no problem being civil, but the fact I find it impossible to trust you, as a friend or anything else. I wish you the best. But l don't want that to happen again."

 

But then I consider how I would feel if I just got a text back saying something like, "Okay. Sorry." and realize that would probably hurt me more. I guess I'll just have to accept the fact of that interaction and try to do better next time. Ugh.

 

No, please don't text her. Especially not that! As a female, it reads that it shows you are still

upset and guarded. You really need to keep NC because you're not healing.

The best way to act when you see an ex, is to look happy and be confident. Even if you're

dying on the inside. Keeping NC will make you ready for a new relationship too.

[jackofmany]

No, please don't text her. Especially not that! As a female, it reads that it shows you are still

upset and guarded. You really need to keep NC because you're not healing.

The best way to act when you see an ex, is to look happy and be confident. Even if you're

dying on the inside. Keeping NC will make you ready for a new relationship too.

 

Now THAT is exactly what I needed to hear. So then, given that I will surely run into her again, how do I reset things? I don't want to be hugging her again or anything like that, and I don't want to run. Just a smile and a nod?

[jackofmany]

I really appreciate your taking the time to read and consider, by the way, SweetGirl28. I've been looking for women's perspectives on this in particular.

[SweetGirl28]

I really appreciate your taking the time to read and consider, by the way, SweetGirl28. I've been looking for women's perspectives on this in particular.

 

You're welcome. Be strong .

[jackofmany]

You're welcome. Be strong .

 

Working on it.

 

How would you suggest handling future run ins, whether she is alone or with her dude? I remain kind of concerned that I gave her the impression we were just chill.

[SweetGirl28]

Working on it.

 

How would you suggest handling future run ins, whether she is alone or with her dude? I remain kind of concerned that I gave her the impression we were just chill.

 

You protect your heart and do what feels right in the moment.

Try not to show anger, jealousy, or disgust if you see them together.

You are not obligated to acknowledge them. She chose him.

 

If you see her alone, be confident, happy, classy.

Which I already feel you are, so it should be easy. Even if your heart is hurting inside.

Wave, smile, if she approaches, keep conversation short, and don't mention the BF or the breakup.

And try not to be drinking so you can remember it! Lol

 

I hope you push forward with NC and heal, because I strongly believe she's going to

come back to you once this current situation fizzles out. She's got her own fire she poured

gasoline on by moving in with a man who is just divorced(or is he?)