Jump to content

To get over it I have to go through it


DimCrayola

Recommended Posts

We had an on again and off again relationship lasting almost four years. FOUR years. It all hurts so much. Thinking of both the good and the bad it just rips me apart. I last saw you Sunday (two days ago). You gave me a slough of reasons "we aren't good for each other." I had to counter each one and you finally softened but really I just begged and cried until you just stopped trying to convince me that what exists between us is dead. You kept saying things like "that is how I want to remember you..." as if you had already moved on and I was just a part of your past - but I was sitting right in front of you.

 

When you softened you talked to me like everything was normal - or at least the way things were between us when they were good. You slept with me...and then at three in the morning you made up an excuse about how I needed to leave so my car wouldn't get towed. Since then I have't heard a word from you. I expected that. I know the way things go after four years of the same rollercoaster ride.

 

I have so many questions. You give no answers and any answers you give just lead to more questions. I want to be mad at you. I want to get angry for myself. Sometimes anger can be empowering and help to move towards healing. All advice says that healing starts with no contact and I get that. I am too emotional to even begin to try to communicate with you so not reaching out has been easy.

 

What is not easy is the thoughts of you. The questions swirling. The memories. The heartbreak over giving up on the hope. I don't know what to do with myself. I have too much time to think and that is a bad thing for me at the moment.

 

Yesterday I went to a friend's place and told her all I could. Today I have a therapy appointment which I cannot wait for. I am in dire need to get help. I feel so lost. So down.

 

What are you doing? Just getting through your day. Working as normal. You aren't sitting in tears crying for me. Did you ever? Did you suffer this way for me? For anyone else?

 

I keep thinking of the times you said we were each other's home. The safe place to support each other and that our relationship sort of proved that all the past hurt meant something - because we had found good with "us."

 

Maybe you meant it in the moment but you didn't keep your word. Did you ever REALLY love me? I know you did...but why did it turn off? Did I really hurt you so bad that you had nothing good left in your heart for me? You then started you use me as a crutch right? Because you found that you were lonely at times. Why? Why not just leave me alone.

 

Last Christmas you ended things with me AGAIN. I had to move out and I was crushed. You weren't. You reached back in March and we started seeing each other after you invited me over on a rainy day. Like a fool I went over with my heart wide open. We saw each other repeatedly after that. You were always reserved and I knew you were a flight risk and I knew I was going to get hurt again. AND I DID.

 

There was always a reason. Sometimes it was because you were depressed and needed to work on your own issues (but you didn't....you don't). Then it was that you couldn't trust me due to our past. Then it was both....

 

You can be so cruel. You can be terrible. Is that what I deserve for breaking your trust? For the "sins" I committed in our relationship? If so then you never saw me. Maybe that is my fault. But God did I try to show you. I tried to repent and make amends for the hurt I caused. Remember that last time we sat in a therapists office and you simply said you didn't want to "do the work but would rather pour a drink and smoke a joint?" I didn't argue. I just accepted what you said. I spent the next three weeks in the guest room alone watching netflix and sleeping. It was my own personal hell. I know you came into that room on NYE because I pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to go through the motions of sharing a new year celebration with you when you made it clear you just wanted me gone. You asked if you could hug me even though you knew it was "selfish." I let you because I wanted so badly to feel your touch and to know that some part of you cared. It was selfish - on both our parts.

 

I've done nothing but wait for you while agonizing over whether you would reach out for birthdays, holidays, any reason really. That's where I am now even though we left things open ended. I know what this means. You're going to just avoid contact with me and put me out of your thoughts. I need to do the same. Right?

 

I can't keep letting the past tightly grip my present. You won't or can't forgive and you have a problem trusting. You have low self esteem and you are too scared to try again. Now so am I. Now I am YOU. I am depressed. I am incomprehensibly hurting. Everything in life feels like a burden and I am finding myself in a state of self loathing.

 

I am making myself sick over not knowing which direction is up. Everything seems so pointless. I was so stupid for going over to your place. I was not doing myself any favors. I was asking to be hurt. I willingly went over and let myself be used and then rejected. You're not going to magically transform and "wake up." You're never going to go the extra mile to reach out and sincerely offer me your heart.

 

It's over and has been for a long time and I never had a choice other than to protect myself and stay away from you. I did myself not justice. I showed a lack of care for what was best for me by trying to prove to you that I could love unconditionally and "stick around" for whatever you were willing to give.

 

I sent you an email telling you I wasn't angry that you broke my heart and that the love I have for you transcends everything...your reply to that??? "Thanks for the kindness and love I will have to re-read this at some point."

 

When I asked why you just disappear on me when you know it is torture for me and you said you'd tell me "when you could."

 

In short, you are depressed. You gave up on life a long time ago and along with your self loathing comes your inability to love or trust or forgive the past. You don't even REMEMBER the things I hold dear to my heart. It is all one sided. Like you said you are not in with me for the long haul.

 

How can I love someone who is barely alive? Why can't I just believe what you say? I can't keep approaching things with you like I know some pre-destined plan will bring us together because it keeps me stuck. It keeps me closed off. It keeps me in agony.

 

If you loved me this wouldn't be happening. Is any of this pain worth ANYTHING?

 

I've learned some hard lessons from being with you. Things that are still hard for me to say out loud. What lessons are left to be learned with you now? That i have to show some self respect and not accept or allow for relationships like this to occur in the future.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went to a good therapy session and came out better understanding that all the reasons you think we cannot be together are all about you and have nothing to do with me. If you feel insecure or bad about yourself that is on you. If you cannot forgive the past and trust in the present that again is on you. Not only that but you are so dramatic...everything is so over the top when it comes to you. I understand feeling things deeply but not to the point where it keeps a person frozen.

 

It's been so long since you've "felt bad about yourself" and yet you have done NOTHING to change it other that to try to make me some savior of your soul and then be so unforgiving when you learned I was only human and would make mistakes.

 

You are ok just feeling bad for yourself and that is your issue not mine. I am co-dependent so I kept trying to love you enough to make you love yourself. I kept trying to repent enough to make you forgive and trust again (not just me but all people).

 

It's all on you...I'm in therapy. I am journaling. I am seeking out life opportunities to rise to my potential and I can't keep letting YOU get in my way.

 

With you I didn't have strong boundaries and I am now a door mat. I am someone you think will always be around just waiting for a little kindness here and there. Latching on to the time we spend together (most of you with you drunk and high) thinking that someday it will magically result in true love.

 

How stupid it that? I have my eyes open now and that is a step farther that I was a mere few days ago. I don't want to feel bad anymore and so I started visualize you as fire. Fine from a distance but get too close and its uncomfortable - touch it and you get burned.

 

You called and said that you didn't mean to kick me out on Sunday but you were just concerned about my car being towed. You said you hoped I was not upset. Then you acted as if everything was normal. You made no mention of the fact that you didn't contact me for two days after Sunday. After you made me leave your place at 3 AM.

 

You were only talking to me because you wanted me to watch your dog for a couple of days so that you could work a bit later and not have to worry about her being in dog day care. You used the "I know she'd love to see you" line. Why not just be direct - I WOULD LIKE TO SAVE MONEY AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO WORK LATE, CAN YOU WATCH MY DOG.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am starting to feel pretty low again. It comes in waves and it feels isolating and lonely. I don't deserve to feel this way and the thing of it all is I will always feel this way if you are who I am in love with. I don't know how to turn feelings off but I do know that over time feelings change.

 

Time...what a kick in the pants. See the thing is the thing is we can't go back and change the beginning, but we can start where we are and change the ending. I thought that meant that we could start from where we are and make things good but you think it means that we can choose to part ways and forget the past - just ignore it and over time it will seem and feel less relevant. I am not sure which one of us is right. Maybe neither.

 

The one things I DO know is that I can't keep giving to a one sided relationship where you are clear about where you stand. You are not "in love" with me and you just let me hang on to hope because you don't have the stones to just end it and hurt me so instead you hurt me by saying nothing, holding back, watching me give my all. Sure you may be conflicted but it isn't because you are in love with me and are trying to forgive the past like I want to believe you are...you have your mind made up and you just have a hard time sticking to your own convictions.

 

You benefit from my lack of detachment. You get someone who cares...who wants to be in your physical presence intimately and to just be around when you are lonely. You have someone to share words with and to sit with during dinner. You have someone who is there cherishing every minute while you are just getting by trying to forget your loneliness and feelings of being inadequate.

 

You'll come and you will pick up your dog. You'll head out and we'll say good bye. I have my walls up now. I don't want to get near the fire nor do I want to touch it because I don't want to tend to burns alone anymore.

 

You said "You won't lose me, but you'd be wise to shed me." And then a week later you won't return a text or call. You just disappear. I'll never understand that. I guess all I can do is learn that I don't want to treat someone like that. I don't want to just gloss over life having meaningless interactions with people at their expense.

 

I am worthy of a healthy love. I am worthy of reciprocal feelings. I am worthy of having someone acknowledge me and to communicate with me - even and especially when it isn't easy.

 

I deserve to be trusted and to feel the people in my life are trustworthy. I really do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I predicted he picked his dog up and we had some pretty light conversation and then he was off. He called to tell me he ran into my neighbor whom he bonded with over a car they guy was working on. I was cordial but guarded. I don't know what to make of it.

 

I have much on my plate to focus on like a new job and working through my own issues. Namely, why I feel such an attachment to someone who does not want to be with me. I think I am done putting in any effort. That was it...I helped by dog sitting a dog we got together and raised together. It was good for me but a true benefit for him.

 

It's done and now I can start the NC again. I don't know how strong my convictions are but I guess the point here is that there isn't anything for me to contact him for. We don't have any need to talk or text. He is busy with his life and I will be busy with mine.

 

It didn't hurt to see him. We were not physical at all and aside from some minor conversation we didn't have a whole lot of anything to relate to one another on. It didn't hurt and I am not feeling zapped of energy. It just is what it is.

 

I can't help but remember everything he said and I am choosing to believe his words. He doesn't think we're healthy for one another and I don't feel like working to prove him wrong. He said he has issues and I certainly believe that. I don't wish him any harm but I also don't have the energy to actively wish him well.

 

I don't like how he treated me and I guess overall there's nothing left for ME to say or do. Even if he came back and said "Hey I made a mistake and I do love you..." I'd have my own trust issues. I wouldn't believe that we'd be able to start up a relationship without me worrying he would pull his disappearing act or harp on past hurts. There is clearly resentment and hurt on my end so that doesn;t make for a good foundation. It's just that this beaten horse is down for the count.

 

What do I want? Someone who doesn't rush a new relationship because he feels it's his salvation. I want someone who can communicate his needs and wants. I want someone who respects my boundaries and who truly wants to spend time with me. I want someone who I find physically attractive and who makes me feel safe to truly express myself. I want someone who will be supportive and kind even when they are upset with me.

 

I want someone who is not battling depression and who actively seeks ways to better themselves. I want someone who is a good friend and who wouldn't ever ask me who are a party we are going to in mere minutes who I slept with. What I want is not unreasonable.

 

It's what I am willing to give so it's only fair that I would expect the same back. I will get there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear _______,

 

I know you have probably been expecting this email. It's so typical of me isn't it? I always seem to send some long email trying to explain my feelings and thoughts and you read a few lines and stop.

 

I guess that is why I chose to write to you here - so as not to break no contact and yet to still honor my need to get my feelings out.

 

A year ago today we were preparing to leave on our European vacation. I was so full of excitement to see new lands and to experience once in a lifetimes moments with you. It is so amazing to how much can change in a year.

 

Lat year I was still heartbroken, as I am now, that _____ had passed away. I thought that somehow it brought us back together. I thought somehow it meant we could start again and get it right.

 

I no longer wish to hold on to hope or try to talk you into believing my reasoning that although our beginning is in the past we could change the way things end starting now - starting over. It's of no use to either of us and in fact just causes me repeated injury. I have no choice but to accept that you don't trust me. And while I am being honest I guess the lack of trust is mutual because even if you agreed to starting over I wouldn't be able to trust that you wouldn't pull the rug out from under my feet again in the future. I'd always wonder when the next time you would decide I wasn't trustworthy or good enough to let down your walls completely.

 

With that kind of missing trust we really have nothing but stolen moments that would mean more to me than you. Those moments would haunt me when the time came that you did choose to discard me. I'd ache for them and you would not.

 

There's no more need for me to white knuckle hope because it means nothing and at the very least I can love you from afar; where its safer because there will be no more good memories to hurt when you've decided to leave me again. There will be no more new pictures of us, of holidays. There will be no more new pain for me. Only time to heal and time to explore what life is without pining for you. No more life waiting around for you to "come to your senses." No more time wasted on hoping for some grand gesture made to win me back because it never came and it's now just under three years.

 

I let go of the angst, the pain, the hope, and the false belief that deep down you do love me.

 

After all you can't even say that anymore. All you do say is that you don't. You DO say that you are not in for the long haul. There's no future and you are quick to remind me of that with your words and your actions.

 

There's no going back to find what we had. There is no more light left to shine. So, enough. I am giving you up.

 

I let you go, ______. I loved you so very much but it's time. So, go ahead and remember me the way you choose to and I will do the same for you. No more tears - deep breath - it's all over. Finally.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You may call it in this evening

But you've only lost the night

Present all your pretty feelings

May they comfort you tonight

And I'm climbing over something

And I'm running through these walls

 

I don't even know if I believe

I don't even know if I believe

I don't even know if I believe

Everything you're trying to say to me

 

I had the strangest feeling

Your world's not all it seems

So tired of misconceiving

What else this could've been

 

I don't even know if I believe

I don't even know if I believe

I don't even know if I believe

Everything you're trying to say to me

 

So open up my eyes

Tell me I'm alive

This is never gonna go our way

If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

 

Say something, say something

Something like you love me

Less you want to move away

From the noise of this place

 

Well I don't even know if I believe

I don't even know if I believe

I don't even know if I wanna believe

Everything you're trying to say to me

 

So open up my eyes

Tell me I'm alive

This is never gonna go our way

If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

 

So open up my eyes

Tell me I'm alive

This is never gonna go our way

If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done.

 

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

 

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

 

To think I might not see those eyes

It makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbyes

I nearly do.

 

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

 

Slower, slower

We don't have time for that

All I want is to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

 

Have heart my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days

Making up for all this mess.

 

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am not sure if I am reading into things but just as was going about my day suddenly I hear your ringtone on my phone and see that you were initiating a facetime call. It abruptly ended after a few rings - a mistake no doubt. Perhaps you were looking at my name in your contact list and hit the wrong button? Perhaps you did it to see if I'd text or call to find out what you wanted but I didn't. I posted here instead. I am still on day two of no contact and I am not going to give in and reach out. I have nothing to say to you.

 

I don't even feel it necessary to let you know that I am going with NC in handling thing with you. I don't have a desire to be rejected or used. If you're lonely I am sorry you feel that way but this is your doing. You pushed me away saying you didn't trust me and that you had your own issues to work through. So I choose to believe you. There's nothing good left for us and I don't need to hear that from your lips again.

 

It if was a sheer mistake what the hell were you going looking at my name on your call list or in your contacts? Please don't make that mistake again. I don't need a reminder of the pain I am going through I have enough to solicit tears all on my own - only you don't get to know that. I hope you are wondering what I am doing and that deep down you know you made a mistake. Wait no...hoping that means I care more than I should so lets leave it at just don't make that damn facetime mistake again.

 

I was just asked to a soft opening of new eatery an I am so excited. Right after is a halloween party and so now I get to figure out what costume I'd like to rock. All the years we've been together I was stuck not going out because you didn't feel like it and I didn't want to be accused of cheating so I sat at home with you. There was one year where we carved pumpkins together and it was fun but one year out of three means nothing really.

 

I am tired of sitting at your house while there is a whole world of opportunity for laughs and connections with friends. Opportunities for me to have fun and meet new people and experience new things. I get to just attempt to laugh and have a few good moments with friends. I get a chance to build bonds and hang with interesting people. I am going to take EVERY opportunity. I deserve it.

 

I have been holding back hoping that if I "behave" you'd see my heart was yours and after two years of fully taking on that challenge I am left with nothing except a lot of friendships I have to rebuild! I am not bitter; rather I am excited. There is nothing but fun to be had. I am hopeful to meet new people. I deserve it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

red flags were there and somehow I forgave...my codependency no doubt.

 

- You left you wife after cheating on her multiple times

- The person you left your wife for ended up cheating on you after your proposed to her

- You slept with A the night she got engaged and few times after - then you had a full on relationship with her for almost four years (hmmm sounds familiar...am I the new A?)

- You constantly accused ME of cheating

- You once texted someone you knew was interested in you while we were being intimate (she was also married)

- You asked if the spot on my dress was some guys "stuff"

- before a party you asked who there I had slept with (there was no one I slept with)

- You repeatedly broke up with me at my most vulnerable times (like before my second surgery)

- You kicked me out or asked me to move about five times - probably more

- You didn't stand up for me with A

- You hated my best friend

- You let me be verbally abused by a friend of yours because when he asked if your male anatomy was the biggest I had seen I did not answer or respond the way you wanted

- You said you'd go to couples counseling and then five minutes before we were supposed to leave you said you didn't feel like going

- Once in therapy you told the therapist that you didn't feel like doing the work to repair our past but instead felt like it was easier to pour a drink and smoke pot

- You spent two months after the new year hiding from in the guest bedroom smoking pot and verbally assaulting me when I tried to figure out what was wrong

- In an argument you threw a half full water bottle in my direction and said you'd destroy me

- You accused me of sleeping with someone at work

- You accused me of sleeping with a friend

- When you saw that I had contact with an ex you tried to be forceful in bed until I told you that you were hurting me...you said you'd give me a roof and feed me and then I would just have to tell you the rules of who we could sleep with and essentially just be two people who had no respectful for each other

- you said you would go with my to my xmas party but you didn't

- you dumped - again - right before Christmas

- You lied and said that you wouldn't be in contact with the girl that texted you when we were intimate but you were

- You almost slept with your assistant and I know she asked you for money

- you broke my phone

- you called me a lot of names

- you tried to isolate me

- you tried to make me feel like I wasn't good enough

- you pretty much broke all promises you made to me

- you said you wouldn't smoke pot and then you were outed when I found a pipe in your jacket pocket

- you were on ed medication

- you reminded me that A' favorite movie was Titanic but didn't know mine - then when I told you it became a joke for you

- you treated me as your punching bag

- you never forgave me for the things I did and in fact got even by hurting me right back

- you are ovrally dramatic

- you zap life out of me

- you gave up on living a long time before me - love too....

- you made thing a bigger issue than the really were

- you are super sensitive and seek to punish

- you are a master at gaslighting and the silent treatment

- the last time we saw eachother you slept with me (so selfishly...it was all about you) and then you immediately asked me to leave.

- You only contacted me after so that Igood dog sit for you

- you said you didn't believe a word I said

- you said you could never trust me

- how is that the case when you dating a married woman for four years and knew she was seeing other people (namely her husband whom she lived with) and yet I am somehow put on the stake for having flaws...

- You brought HER into conversations where it should have simple been me and you (e.g. I said I love you more to you in one week than I did with her in the entire time we were together)

- You told me how you took her to panama to meet your family

- you blamed me for "ruining" family time when you took me to meet your family because I kept picturing her there with them only a year or so before

- You didn't care that you she hurt me and that you allowed her to - you also helped perpetuate it

- You accused me of being on the phone with some other man when I was in the bathroom going number two and browsing the web

- You showed up at my apartment convinced I had someone else there...you searched around every room

- You use me when you are lonely

- You use me for sex

- YOU USE ME to watch your dog

- You used me to send out your resume'

- You used my love because you figured why not and you had nothing else going on

- You are fickle with your words - you don't keep yours and you only mean then in the very moment they are spoken and then BAM they are meaningless

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 4. I didn't break contact despite having some impulsive urges here and there. I've stayed away from reaching out and repeating the same old cycle. A part of me still wonders why he "accidentally" face timed me. I've been invited to a dinner and then Halloween party next Saturday which gives me something to look forward to and I wanted to ask him to be my plus one. I didn't. I am sure I can ask a girlfriend of mine and have a wonderful time.

 

I start my new job tomorrow and I am nervous and excited. I think it will be great to have something to focus on that will benefit ME and help me see that there is more for my future than counting down the days of NC.

 

Have you even noticed? Do you even care? What goes on in that overly dramatic head of yours?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Learn how to walk away if you’re the only one making the effort. If you’re the only one trying and if it leaves you feeling like you’re not good enough every time you stay but your feelings are not reciprocated.

 

Learn how to walk away when someone starts mistreating you or starts disrespecting you. When someone starts to show you that they don’t value you or your opinions. When they underestimate your intelligence. Walk away when someone can’t give you what you’re looking for.

 

Learn how to walk away when you have to force something to happen, when you have to force communication, care and love. When you have to force a person to realize what they could lose. Walk away from anyone who doesn’t care about losing you.

 

Learn how to walk away when you feel like something is off. When you have to convince yourself to stay, when you have to fake it because it’s better than being alone, when you have to lie about what you are to your friends and family. Walk away when you see the truth — don’t waste your time trying to fix what’s already broken.

 

Learn how to walk away when you’ve given more than one chance but nothing seems to change, learn how to walk away when you feel like you’ve been taken for granted time and time again. Learn how to walk away when staying makes you love yourself a little less.

 

Learn how to walk away because if you don’t, they will. It’s only a matter of time before someone who doesn’t love you or respect you walks away from you and that shouldn’t be something you fear because for every person who leaves, there are tons more wanting to stay, capable of loving you better — capable of loving you the way you want to be loved.

 

Learn how to walk away because walking away saves you from heartbreak, it saves you from prolonging something that’s not meant to last, it saves you from the pain of finding things out that might hurt you, it saves you from getting cheated on, it saves you from being one of many and it saves you from the selfish games people play when they try to keep you in their lives without committing to you.

 

Learn how to walk away — not everyone is worth staying for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don’t want you to wait until you have nothing left so you can remember that you have me. I don’t want you to wait until your world comes crashing down on you so you can realize that you need me in it and I don’t want you to wait for an emergency so you can finally understand that I will always be your emergency contact.

 

I don’t know why we’re programmed to realize what’s important when we’re about to lose it or when we’re about to lose ourselves.

 

I don’t know why we don’t value people until we lose our own value.

Maybe I can be like that too — but not when it comes to you.

 

The difference between me and you is that I always knew I wanted you; no matter what life threw my way. I knew I wanted you when things were good and I know I needed you when things were bad.

 

I didn’t need a crisis to remind me that you’re the person I want by my side and I didn’t need a crisis to understand what you mean to me.

 

It’s easy to be vulnerable when you’re down but it takes a lot of courage and a lot of strength to be vulnerable when you’re strong, when you’re capable, when you know you can survive on your own but you choose not to.

 

You don’t have to wait for a crisis to realize you love a person — instead — you find the person who will love you during a crisis, you find the person who will face any crisis with you.

 

Because if you’re always waiting for something bad to happen to realize what’s good in your life, you might not find any good left.

If you’re always thinking that people will come save you after you deliberately abandoned them, you will be strangling yourself.

 

Because people who’ve waited long enough for someone who didn’t show up leave without coming back.

 

Sometimes the real crisis is not realizing how much someone loves you and how important they are to you when they were around.

 

Sometimes the real crisis is not letting people know that you want them in your life and that you don’t want to let them go.

 

You had to wait for a crisis to realize that you love me. You had to wait for a crisis to realize that you had to fight for me.

 

Now all I can say is sorry, sorry I can’t be there for you this time, sorry you had to wait for a catastrophe to remember me and I’m sorry that I’m no longer a crisis management expert.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tiny Reminders Every Single Woman Needs To Hear

 

1. Your relationship with yourself is the single greatest relationship you’ll ever have.

Who else have you fallen asleep with every night and will continue to the rest of your life? You’re the only person that you’ll spend every single moment with. Wouldn’t you want to build the best possible relationship with a person you’d have to spend all your time with?

 

Whether you’re crying with yourself on the floor at 3 a.m. or reveling in the beauty of a sunset when no one else is with you to witness it, you’ll treasure your own company. In moments of hardship, you’ll reach into yourself for love, kindness and comfort. As a young, single woman, you have the perfect opportunity now to cultivate a loving relationship with yourself.

 

2. Your relationships with the people around you are dependent upon your relationship with yourself.

Most of the people you’ll meet throughout your life will learn how to treat you according to how you treat yourself. The people you allow into your life will mirror the ways you treat yourself. If you don’t believe you’re worthy and deserve respect, they’ll take that as permission to treat you the same way. This is especially important when it comes to attracting a partner.

 

If you have endless love for yourself, you’ll feel ready and entirely willing to give your partner love rather than withholding it until that person makes you feel full first, because you already feel full on your own.

 

3. Travel as much as possible.

There will most likely be few moments in your life when you have the kind of time and financial freedom to travel that you have now. Think about it: you’re the only person you have to pay for on a trip, your schedule is the only one that needs to be adjusted, and you have full reign to fill your days with activities only you want to do and places only you want to see. So please, buy that plane ticket already.

 

4. Build, strengthen, and appreciate female friendships.

 

When you’re eventually in a relationship, you won’t have as much time to spend with your girlfriends as you do now as a single woman. If you take advantage of the time you have now to cultivate meaningful relationships with the women around you, those friendships will endure throughout your life. When communication dwindles and girls’ nights and wine parties become less frequent, the women you built strong friendships with will remain much of the backbone of your life because you spent time building those friendships.

 

5. Replace the time you spend looking for a lover with time reflecting on what’s important to you in a relationship.

The space between your last relationship and your next offers an incredible opportunity to reflect on past relationships: what you learned from them and what you would do differently if given the opportunity. If you feel you acted irrationally in a particular relationship, spend time reflecting on why. On the flip side, what behaviors did you put up with in a relationship that you refuse to allow in future relationships? These are not moments to be hard on yourself about what you should have done in the past but rather an opportunity to thoughtfully reflect on how past lessons can serve as a friend to the future.

 

6. If you feel lonely, sit with it.

Everyone experiences that feeling of “Oh god, what if I never find someone? What if I’m alone the rest of my life?” We are humans wired for connection with other humans. Loneliness is an incredibly common fear to have. But for many, the fear of being alone is simultaneously a fear of being alone with oneself. Dig deeper into what you’re feeling by sitting with it, facing it head on and then working through it from the root up. Once you get to the point where being alone the rest of your life is no longer your greatest fear, you’ll feel a genuine sense of freedom.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wonder if my name is a wound that won’t heal. I wonder if every time it gets brought up, you try to sew it back together with the remaining threads of whatever mess this was. When it gets thrown around the room like a game of hot potato, do you still catch it in your hands even though you know it will burn? And do you still think it’s okay to use my heart as ice whenever you please, without caring about the puddles of false hope you leave behind every time you choose to return?

 

I wonder if my name is a string of letters that sound like nothing but gibberish to you. I wonder if it always meant nothing or if your brain has said it so many times, it’s completely lost its meaning. Is that what happened when you forgot that “love” was so much more than just another noun. And did it feel like home for you too, before our storm tore it down?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

 

You are terrible at dumping people because it hurts you to hurt someone else. You’re extremely sensitive to other people’s feelings, and you never know how to end the relationship so that nobody gets hurt. When you finally collect enough courage to let them go, you’re not reaching out the next week to get back together, you’re sincerely reaching out to make sure they’re okay.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Embrace Your Sadness And Give Your Healing Room To Work

 

There are an infinite number of ways to lose someone you love. It could be to disloyalty, abusive behaviour, or tragedy, or even the cold, cruel march of time, but no matter the cause, the after-effect is always the same, you feel like you are at the point of breaking and the only one who can hold you together is gone.

 

Finding the will to climb out of bed each morning begins to feel like an impossible task and when you turn to friends or family for support, you find their warm efforts are deafened by the voice of the one you have lost, possessing your every thought and demanding your complete attention. You believe to think of anything else would be to lose what little of them you still have, and so you cling to the sadness, you make a home of their ghost, and you wait idly by without joy, hope or purpose as days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months.

 

Welcome, this is rock bottom, but what you may have forgotten is that rock bottom is the foundation on which you can be remade. The truth is, all pain can be reshaped and repurposed. With the right care, all wounds will heal back more resilient than before. When the heart is shattered, you can create something beautiful from the fragments. Where there is some lesson there is never a loss.

 

Listen carefully to your healing, give it room to do its work. Allow yourself the space to feel grief when it calls on you to, but also permission to feel joy in those rare moments warmth returns to your heart. When you make the choice not to fight the currents of your feelings you allow them to take you where they need to and moving forward becomes a gentler process. Embrace your sadness. Meet it head on. It is a source of strength that can be drawn from and directed wherever you choose. Use it to create art, to pursue your dreams, or make a life change you’ve been neglecting. Loss will reshape you either way, but you decide what shape it leaves you in.

 

Remember always to move at your own pace. When you attempt to hurry yourself through a loss you don’t escape the grief, you bury it, and one day it will find a way back to the surface. Only you can know the distance of your healing and only you can know when you have arrived.

 

So be patient, be tender, and take your strength where you can. Listen to your sad songs when you need them and face the world when you feel brave. Your pain doesn’t have to be your prison, remember that. It can be a key to a doorway and you decide where it leads.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Broke no contact! I have mixed feelings about it. He sent a text to wish me well on the new job and I thanked him and then invited him to a dinner. He didn't give a direct answer and I left things at let me know.

 

Now I am mad at myself. I could have been celebrating almost a week of NC but am back to starting NC all over again. Lord, why am i not strong enough? So frustrating.

 

I should know I am setting myself up for rejection. I should KNOW this. I am trying not to beat myself up and to be quick to forgive and move forward. I have so many other things to worry about - the new job, friends, learning how to keep healthy boundaries. Ugh this is so frustrating!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tomorrow is day one of NC AGAIN!!! Today he texted to let me now his dog (whom I love) was not feeling well. Not sure what to do with that information. He didn't give a reply as to the dinner and tomorrow will be Friday. I will NOT be contacting him so it really doesn't matter at this point.

 

I have free will. I am no one's prisoner. I don't have to pine away or HOPE that he comes to his senses. Even if he did I'd always wonder when he would be in one of his dramatic down turns again and decide we're not good for each other."

 

With the holidays coming up I am sure I will be lonely but I will remind myself that I have a lot of good people in my life to connect with on those special days. I don't need to be isolated WITH him or hanging out with him because HE is lonely. I can make plans to visit family and make some new memories to replace that last three years of bad Holidays.

 

For my birthday in just a few weeks I can plan a nice get together with friends and stay busy celebrating that way instead of wondering if he'll even bother to send a damn text to acknowledge my existence. I get to just DO ME...

 

I can talk to whoever I want and do whatever I want. I don't have to worry about "proving" myself to him. I spent a year trying to show him I am a safe and loving partner and it's been two years since we had any real issues so I don't know how much more I have to offer him. Everything fell short and that is more about him than it is about me. In fact I should have known as much because he jumped so quick into a relationship and wanted such a big comittment at the outset that it should have been a red flag.

 

We should have dated a lot longer before doing the love thing and the co-habitating. It was just wrong....just as quickly as he put me on a pedestal he knocked me off and I've been trying so hard to just climb back up....who wants that? It was a whirlwind and happened so fast and felt so traumatic. I just want peace now...he isn't capable of that. He has demons he's been hiding form for so long that really those are what are preventing any future with me. He doesn't care to improve on himself and I don't want to stay stuck.

 

I don't even want to see him so even if he did decide, last minute at this point, that he wanted to join me for dinner this Saturday I don't want to really see him. It's better this way.

 

Day 1 NC - Startin up again! In all honesty I think I will stumble a bit on this one. It will get easier with time but with my birthday and the Holidays I anticipate a few texts from him and I am not ready yet to block him. Maybe in a week I will feel differently. I have hope for that.

 

HE decided he didn't want to be involved with me and HE decided that he was going to sleep with me after I got emotional and all but begged to work things out and then kicked me out at 3 am. He only contacts me when he will benefit somehow. What am I getting out of any of this? Does he think he is doing me some favor by texting about his sick dog?

 

As Janet J asked...What have you done for ME lately?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

It's been weeks since I've journaled and in that time I broke no contact and saw him. In fact I saw him that last two weekends. He acted as though everything was normal. As though he never said that he "isn't in it for the long haul." He has confused me to the point of leaving me in a state of anxiety. He said he listed me as his plus one for his firm xmas party. That infers that he expects to have me in his life in the future.

 

My birthday is next Friday and I haven't made any plans with friends or otherwise. I guess I am not looking forward to it and I certainly don't like the idea that after such definitive words we are just going through life as though nothing happened and we're together somehow but also not. It is unsettling and the more time that goes by the more my heart feels heavy.

 

I am just waiting for the moment where he ghosts me or gives me the silent treatment and then re-affirms that he is not "all in" with me. I realize I want to be happy. I want to have a loving relationship with all the playfulness that comes with the beginning of a new relationship. I can't have that with HIM because it's been almost three years and we never fully let go. We spent time off and then rushed back into things without healing or allowing space and time to give us a new perspective. Because of that - because of me - we are in a holding pattern where we are operating on borrowed time.

 

We haven't talked since Sunday. It's now Tuesday and there is no desire on my end to reach out and obviously he feels the same. I think that we just feel so enmeshed that we are just used to other one being around to some degree. There isn't a genuine appreciation. It's more me wanting him to give in and to get in and he is just not saying no at this time.

 

I don't want that...I don't want someone who is just not saying no...yet. I don't want to be with someone who I have to ask or convince not to leave me. Maybe he just feels bad that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. So with all the Holidays and special occasions coming with this particular time of year he is just going with it.

 

It's not a good feeling to think back to this time last year. We were just getting back from a vacation that was great. One where he said he couldn't live without my love only to end things shortly after. It left us living together during xmas and the new year. We limped through both and it hurt ME so much. He seemed ok. He seemed like he felt bad about breaking things off AGAIN but that doesn't mean that he changed his mind or that he realized he had made a mistake and actually did want to be with me. It just meant he felt empathy for the pain I was in.

 

I basically lived in the spare room and came home from work to watch Ally McBeal and Friends. I just sort of sought refuge in that room and laid in bed watching netflix. I just got through each day. I hurt and was stuck hurting each day that passed until I found an apartment close to my office and moved out a week or two after the new year.

 

I spent the first few weeks in my new apartment in a state of depression and anxiety. I am crying as I write this because the trauma still feels so real. I think in the pit of my stomach I knew he didn't want to be with me and I still tried so hard. I started to go to therapy and trying hard to make something good come out of all the pain I had been feeling. As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months we finally saw each other again in March. A mere three months after he broke up with me and I moved out we saw each other...it was a rainy day and he invited me over. i fought with myself over accepting his invitation to visit but ultimately ended up going over.

 

We continued seeing each other from then on up until October. It was then that he started doing strange things like ignoring me for days on end. He'd say he needed space and that he was just depressed and had contempt for me because i wanted to be with him while he felt so terrible. Then he said it was that he wanted me to leave him alone even though I had helped him find a job (he was unemployed for six months). He wanted to just focus on the new job without the pressure of me.

 

Then after all that he went silent on me again and when I confronted him he said he didn't trust me and was not in it for the long haul. He said this is the feeling he always got when it came to me. I told him that it was more about him than me. It wasn't that I was untrustworthy it was that he had trust issues and he was running. We talked a lot...and really never concluded that we were on or off. We just simple didn't talk until he wanted me to watch his dog.

 

Since then I've seen him twice and he is now talking about future plans. Plans I didn't make. Plans that he included me in without talking to me first. He never addressed his statement that he wasn't in this thing with me for the long haul but he did say that his trust issues were his and that I could call him if I had a health issue and needed help. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't call him because he was usually high or drunk (or both) at the time that I ended up in the ER. I just got used to taking care of myself and don't think to call him because of the aforementioned AND it is just easier for me to drive myself and handle things on my own. PLUS he often doesn't reply or straight up ignores me so I just don't rely on any responses from him anymore.

 

He said "him not believing that I was in the ER is so f'ed up." I reminded him that again that was HIM not me and I still had to just take care of myself. I don't benefit from telling him I went to the ER and that I was simply telling him not so that I could garner sympathy or to manipulate him into anything because i got NOTHING form him out of that. I truly just took care of myself and went on with life. To have him decide that he didn't want to be with me because of THAT was just stupid. If anything is f'ed up it is him. If that makes him feel bad I don't know what to say about that.

 

So, NOW I am so confused and sort of angry at myself. Why did I break no contact? Why did I invite him to hang out on Halloween? We had a nice time but there is always something to left to be desired. There's no trust, there's no affection, and he lacks the ability to connect with me. I end up feeling lonely and stuck.

 

That feeling is compounded now that my birthday and some of the biggest holidays of the year are just around the corner. I also looked up a few exes and saw they were married and happy. No just married but married to beautiful women that look like they belong in a Victoria's secret catalog. I am now a little over a week from 6 years of age and I am no closer to the things I want in life than I was a year ago. i wanted to be in love...to have a future with someone...to feel a sense of family...a sense of hope for the future.

 

It hurts. Being this confused hurts. Being around HIM hurts. The last two days without contact has allowed me to see that. I am more than OK with going to work and learning new things and trying to carve out my place. I am not making new connections or really hanging out with friends. I am spending a lot of time at work and alone at home and for now that is ok.

 

I need to make my life richer so that I feel satisfied with life and myself. I am feeling pretty good about myself and just need to build out some hobbies or goals to really give myself a life of richness. It's not like I don't have romantic prospects but I don't feel as though trying to make a romantic life happen right now is the best thing for me. It would just be confusing and would feel like it would fall flat.

 

I think I have to keep doing what I am doing. I need to go to work and do my best. I need to find things that make me happy outside of work and engage in those things more often. After a little while that will lead to a better sense of self and maybe at that point I will feel healed enough to meet someone new. I am otherwise just going to end up hurting others or myself.

 

I want so badly to feel that "in love" feeling. I didn't realize that holding on HIM for this long left me feeling hopeless. There's no way that feeling is coming back. It was once there three years ago and lasted only a short while. It's not happening...it probably won't happen. That hurts. I was even willing to accept the lack of the new love feeling if we could get back to a place where we WANTED each other but that isn't happening. He isn't telling me he wants me. He isn't making any effort to show me that he wants to be with me - he is just not saying no to seeing me. He just isn't saying no to sleeping with me. That's not a relationship. It's a quasi friendship with sex.

 

It's a routine. It's nothing. It's me staying stuck and HIM just accepting that I am around. It's nothing...nothing...nothing.

 

I fear that my attachment to HIM will always hurt. I fear that every time I think back on HIM and the time we spent together I will feel that deep pain and loss. I am so scared of always thinking back to HIM and remembering the supreme pain I felt when I moved out THREE times. I also fear trying to forget all of that and ending up with a big hole in my memory of the last three years of my life. Like I was on pause and when the play button was hit three years went by.

 

I used to only remember the good times but not right now. I can't think of very many. I can think of birthdays that sucked because he was getting high after he did his duty of taking me to dinner. The birthday before we actually started dating he got me an amazing pair of shoes that made me blush because they were so expensive. He drove me to see Vicky and Phil for brunch. So many funny things happened that day and it was the day he first kissed me. We were on the rooftop bar and it just felt perfect.

 

Every year after that was terrible. In 2014 I was battling a disease and had just had a surgery so I wasn't up for doing much of anything. He invited his friends over and I ate and then went to bed. The following year I was with Vicky and he didn't even send a text. In 2016 (last year) we just went out for drinks and came home. He smoked out and I went to bed.

 

For xmas...well the first year we had some fights and breakups but somehow pulled it together for the day. i made prime rib an we had friends over. In 2014 I had just started a new job and was recovering from surgery. I know we had some fun with Olive opening her presents and running around so happy with her new dog toys. In 2015 I was with Vicky and was upset over my dad's situation and we did not spend the day together. 2016 consisted of me laying in bed in the guest room because he dumped me.

 

He blew me off after agreeing to go to my company party. I remember I got my hair done and did my makeup and then he just blew me off. He said he wasn't going because he knew himself and he knew he'd be upset and would probably cause an issue. We fought and I ended up just going into the guest room to feel like poop alone. I didn't want to see anyone let alone celebrate a Holiday that would be terrible for me.

 

NYE was the same only I didn't even get out of bed. I just stayed in that damn room watching old tv shows wondering if the pain I felt would every go away. NYE has always been bad with HIM as was Valentine's Day.

 

I can't seem to remember any good memories around this time of year.

 

We had a good time on our vacation. We had a good time when we went to Venice beach and rented bikes. We had a good time when we took the dogs to dog beach. We had a good time when we saw SilverSun Pickups. We had a fun time seeing Fleetwood Mac. We had fun seeing the Book of Mormon and eating at some taco place.

 

Sheesh, there's not a lot of good memories that I can summon right now. I mean I know they existed...but perhaps it was just a time in my life that things were just not good....and because of that I had a relationship that was just not good sprinkled with some good things he did. I remember he was there for doctor's appointments and would take me to places I loved eating to help me feel better. He took care of me financially while I was having multiple surgeries and was so supportive and kind.

 

He used to send texts to say good morning. He'd call me gorgeous or beautiful. He'd write me emails in the middle of the night with clever poems and always find a way to let me know he was attracted to me and wanted me. None of that lasted long but it meant so much to me that I held on tight and thought I could fight to keep us. He just stopped or maybe never started fighting.

 

Even the really goos stuff had some bad stuff mixed in. When he told me he loved me he had to add that he told me he loved me more times in one week than he ever told his ex.

 

For xmas he told me that his ex gave him an ipad that was engraved.

 

He texted a girl he knew was interested in him while we were intimate.

 

He just can't or wont give me what I want in a relationship. He did for a few months but he gave up after that. His words were strong and I believed them but now his words are firm that he doesn't WANT me. What else can I do?

 

I have to face the facts. I feel better away from him these days. I don't see hope like I did. I previously wanted a do over to get it right...to start over and revive the excitement of new love...or a new chance for love with an old flame but THAT is not going to happen.

 

He cares as do I but we ARE NOT IN LOVE. At this point I don't know if I can get back to a place where it's even possible. What do I do now? What can I do now? It hurts...this realization hurts.

 

Day 2 - NC

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, it was actually day 4 of NC. I didn't realize how much time had passed with no contact. I was surprised by that for sure. I saw he called this morning. I tried to call back and it went to vm. He then texted that he meant to call his boss but called me on accident. I said no worries and that I didn't take it personally. Haven't heard from him since.

 

My birthday is a week from tomorrow and I reached out to a friend and coordinated a bday outing at a friend's arcade bar. If I get a good response via RSVP I can plan to see people I haven't seen in a long time. I need to do something other than sit at home or wait around for HIM to take notice. As a matter of fact I did not invite HIM.

 

I just want to see people I haven't seen in a while and celebrate another year that without sitting at home and feeling terrible. I also want to focus on ME as it is my birthday.

 

He didn't try to contact me for 4 days and I was more than ok with it. Why focus on HIM or the things I wish I had but don't - like a loving healthy relationship? It's about me next Friday!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 Days NC - He accidentally called me on Weds. I got a text reminder that he has a dental appointment at 9 am this morning. The dental office thinks I am his wife and so they text me about his appointments. I just ignored them. I did NOT reach to him and I won't.

 

I have nothing left to give. I am all maxed out on giving anymore. I think over the last week it has just become clear that I am beating a dead horse and that horse is now past the stage of even remotely resembling something living.

 

It's my birthday in less than a week and he hasn't expressed any recognition of that. He didn't commit to seeing me on Thanksgiving and has had no room in his life to even be remotely friendly. Its just over.

 

If a man wants to see you he will make it happen. He isn't making it happen.

 

"I miss you. I want you to know that. Maybe I don't miss you the way you would want me to. Maybe just by saying it alone I make things harder than I need to. But I can't pretend I don't. You were a part of my life that doesn't get replaced easily - if ever. We had a connection that rivals most in my mind, and to act as if I don't feel that void every now and then is impossible.

 

Yet there are reasons we aren't a part of each other's lives anymore. I know that. I know that we had potential to take things to the next level, and we didn't. I know that we could've been something incredible and perhaps the best thing to happen to either one of us but we didn't. Instead, a combination of life, excuses, hesitation crept in and pushed us just far enough apart for other things to come in. Other priorities. Other people.

 

It didn't fall apart all in one day, but sometimes it did. One moment you were the only person who I could think about - the one who kept me awake at night with your words and conversations, the one who took up so much space in me. The next, you were still all I could think about- but this time it was wondering if I should've tried harder to hold on to you. You were still keeping me up at night - all the words I never said haunting me and almost having me spill them on to you far too late for them to matter anymore. You still took up all this space in me - and then left the gaping hole behind the space behind once we stopped talking to each other.

 

Life did go on, though. It was a funny way of doing that - choosing to keep moving forward even when part of your world feels like it stopped. So we both moved forward, too. I started a different path and I honestly was happier with it than I expected. Things these days are actually going well, and I don't feel any regret over giving this opportunity a chance."

 

You left me not because I lacked anything. You left not because I am unlovable. You left not because I am unworthy. You left because you wanted to. You chose to. People leave because they decide to. I cannot do anything to make you stay. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone stay because they wanted to and not because they had to be asked?

 

I can't justify your actions. If there was one thing I learned the hard way the many times you told me you didn't love me, it is that I don't have to abandon myself. People come and go. feelings come and go. This is why I need to love myself more.

 

Morning used to feel like an impossible task. When I turned to friends or family for support, their warm efforts were deafened by your voice, possessing my every thought and demanding my complete attention. I thought that to think of anything else would cause me to lose what little I had left of you and so I clung to sadness, making a home of your ghost while I waited idly by without joy, hope, or purpose as days turned into weeks and weeks into months. And then I just let go.

 

Sometimes you have to work at happiness. Some hurdles are too difficult to clear by simply adjusting your point of view or adopting a positive mindset.

 

I am a strong woman. I am...I know that but sometimes I want to remember what its like to have someone to be my hero...lift my spirits, take care of me. I miss the support and the comfort of having someone to lean on. Someone to remind me that I don't have to do everything alone. I get tired of the emotional labor I have to put in to lift myself - sometimes I just need a helping hand.

 

With YOU I planned dates and vacations, I spent time with your friends and family. I bought you food. I helped you find a job when you gave up on yourself. I proved my love time and time again while you sat on your @ss and complained and judged.

 

You took it all for granted. And you may regret that soon. You never deserved a girl like me. It may have taken me too long to realize that, but I finally came to my senses. I am finally doing what is best for me and putting my needs first.

 

Soon, you will realize you lost everything. You are going to realize that no one else will ever treat you with the kind of love and kindness that I did because honestly you don't deserve it. You never did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You love to give the silent treatment.

 

Silence can mean so many different things but at the end of the day, it means that the communication is not going to be the same. Words will be replaced with silence. Passion will be replaced with indifference and things will go downhill because if a person decides to give you the silent treatment, they rarely take it back.

 

It't not my job to figure out what's going on or break the silence or try to bring the communication back. It's not my job to keep analyzing what went wrong, what I could have done better or what I should have said.

 

AND more importantly it is not MY fault that you choose silence. That indicates that you think that I deserve silence. And that I deserve more silence. Really I deserve an explanation. I deserve words. I deserve people in my life who don't find it so easy to just stop talking to me in an instant.

 

Silence is usually the beginning of the end but the good news is silence can also tell so much about the person dolling out the silent treatment. It tell you how important you are to them. It can tell you how they really feel about you. It can tell you how they will react when things get really tough and sometimes it is better to just leave people without trying to understand why they are the way they are.

 

The irony is, the best response to people who suddenly walk out of your life is also silence. I have to save my words for the ones who appreciate them.

 

You always deemed my worth conditional on circumstance. You made me feel inherently unworthy. It's as if my worth to YOU depended on what I could do for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

“The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self, and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define {his or} her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is in the victim seeking validation and approval from the gaslighter that the danger begins to unfold. Gaslighting is essentially psychological warfare, causing a victim to habitually question himself or herself. It is employed as a power play to regain control over the victim’s psyche, sense of stability and sense of self.

 

By playing puppeteer to the survivor’s perceptions, the manipulator is able to pull the strings in every context where his or her target feels powerless, confused, disoriented and on edge, perpetually walking on eggshells to keep the peace.

 

What Gaslighting Looks Like: An Example

 

Imagine this scenario: Diana and Robert* have been dating for several months. Diana thinks she’s met the “one” – Robert is generous, kind, supportive and funny. They become enamored with each other quickly and move in together shortly after their one-year anniversary. As soon as Diana signs the lease on their new apartment, however, it is evident that there is some trouble in paradise. Robert’s usual warmth and affection begins to wane. After several months, Diana notices that he has more become inexplicably cold and withdrawn. He lashes out more often, creates nonsensical arguments (in which he uses Diana as a scapegoat for every issue) and criticizes her on a daily basis. It’s almost as if he’s undergone a personality transplant from the once charming and down to earth man she thought she knew.

 

When she finally confronts him one night as he stumbles into the apartment at an obscenely late hour, his response is rageful and defensive. He accuses her of not trusting him. He calls her horrible names. He threatens to leave and never come back. He refuses to speak to her at all.

 

In the midst of her despair, she begins to wonder if she’s been too hard on him. She calls him multiple times, begging for him to come back and apologizing profusely for the things she’s accused him of. He does come back, but the cycle only continues. After only a few blissful days of “making up,” where Robert “graciously” forgives Diana for her “overreactions."

 

Despite her attempts to uncover the truth, she starts to wonder if she really is being paranoid. Maybe it really is her fault that he is distancing himself. Maybe he just needs time to “unwind.”

 

She begins avoiding confrontation with Robert altogether and instead tries her best to please him instead – doubling her efforts to show him more affection and understanding. Her hope is that, once he realizes what a great partner she is, he will stop his shady behavior and go back to being the man he presented himself to be in the beginning. Unfortunately, as most victims ensnared in the vicious cycle of emotional abuse know, this is rarely the case. This is just the beginning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...