Sudden break up, hard to swallow for both of us

[emadacuz]

Hello everyone, it is my first post on this forum.

 

Nothing new here, I know you guys have a massive experience But I just need to write somewhere, to feel better.

 

My girlfriend of one year broke up with me out of the blue. We are both quite mature, I am 36 and she is 29. We had our relationships in the past, some good, some bad, but we both learned a lot from what happened during our life. She had some personal issues, suffered -and still suffering- from clinical depression and has some major distrust issues due to abusive boyfriends. I know it is generally a good idea not to start a relationship with a hurt person, but we decided to give it a try. It worked well, amazingly well. Even though we were living apart, we were seeing each other every weekend. We had our arguments, when the honey moon period was over, but we always came out of those with more love and trust for each other.

We had serious plans, thinking of moving together, and see whether or not we could start a life. For this reason, she quit her job and decide to move a bit closer to me, so we could see each other very often. I helped her organising her move, we went buy a car together, looked for a flat together, all was just perfect. I met up with her parents one more time, and they recommended me to take care of her daughter. She finally moved to her new flat.

 

3 days later, it is her birthday. I went over there, to spend her first birthday together... it was a disaster. She basically didn't even want to talk to me, for some reason. Eventually I had to leave to go home, I was working the day after. I called to wish her happy birthday again, and a good night. I just told her that I was sorry she felt bad on her birthday, and we probably have a better celebration another day. From that moment on, she simply changed. Small talks, no answers to my phone calls. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me it was over. She did not know why, but from the moment she had open the door on her birthday, she felt weird. She told me I ruined her life, but she didn't know how.

 

5 days after the breakup, we still talk. I can't stop talking to her, she can't stop talking to me. We tried a no-conversation policy, but as soon as we break the silence, we talk for hours and hours. She said breaking up may have been a mistake, but she doesn't want to come back to me, for now. I know I love this person, it is the first time in my life I feel that connection, that magic thing. Not just attraction, not just friendship, just pure love. I want to go back to her, but I don't know what to do. I want to forget her, but we are friends and not only lovers. We always supported each others, and for both of us life is just crumbling. Her depression seemed to have kicked in again, as she doesn't even want to go to work.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I really needed to rant.

[dino7994]

As someone who also struggles with depression I don't think this is all that unusual. Her moving away from her friends and family is probably extremely difficult, and if she is anything like me, change is very hard. It might just all be finally hitting her, which could bring out some really strong emotions. Her saying things like "you ruined my life" is congruent with that, and I doubt she truly means it, unless you're not letting out the whole truth of your relationship and something else is glaringly wrong. I know you said that giving one another space is hard but I really think it's necessary. If she's going through a difficult time it might be best that you politely suggest she seek help from a therapist and say that you don't want to make anything worse right now and that you think taking some space to gain clarity would be best. I know it'll be hard to stick to, but it really is the only way that I think things will become clear. If you truly care about her, you should support her and love her from a distance and allow her to get better. Continuing to talk to her and confuse her and frustrate her is just going to prolong this difficult time for her. Let go and believe that it will get better.

[emadacuz]

I am trying to let her go, but it is hard. I miss her, not the idea of her, but her. Not what she meant to mean, but what she still does.

Thanks for the advice

[Giblesp]

Your saying you feel pure love and connection, but the woman has dumped you close to her birthday?! This is an illusion and you must wake up to it, or be living in a nightmare.

 

This is no dream relationship, she's a person with unresolved, heavy baggage from the past which she is beginning to unload on you.

 

She needs therapy and self help. You need to get out of there now. Tell her that she can give you a shout when she feels the same way about you, and advise her to get some therapy for what she's been through.