Emotional Triggers

[Careerchoice]

These things can come at the weirdest times! Yesterday I went on a racquetball date with a friends with benefits girl who I had sex with this past Sunday. She's cute, but nothing to write home about. This was the second time we played together, and in between games there was some making out and groping lol. But for some reason it reminded me of the few times I played racquetball with my ex. I wasn't triggered on the first date either, which is weird to me. Just this second date. And it's not like my ex and I fooled around in the racquetball court.

 

So I felt sad for about 30 minutes thinking of how sad it is that my ex and I had to break up. I don't want her back and have no intention of ever speaking with her again. So I called my friend and told him about how I was feeling and he got my mind back on track, reminded me of all the progress I'm making in finding other girls. I've only had sporadic success with girls in the past, but I'm definitely getting a lot better at it recently. Then I got over it. I went into a bar and hung out with some other friends and was fine for the rest of the night.

 

If you get an emotional trigger, don't freak out. Do what you can to distract yourself. If that doesn't work, talk to someone who gives good relationship advice. Come here and post! Know that if you stay strong, the feeling will eventually pass and you'll keep moving on.

[WantingMore]

After 61/2 years my best friend and my favorite person, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said she wanted no contact ever again after an argument where she physically was hitting me. It didn't cause physical damage but hurt me emotionally to be honest. I'm trying to be tough and a man about it but it hurts really bad. I just got an apartment for he both of us and she just bailed. All her stuff is still there and anything I've done in the past 6 years has been with her. Literally everything is a trigger. Movies, music, the bed I sleep in, all my favorite resturaunts, and our cat. Everything I hear and see reminds me of her. And it was all so sudden. I don't have the option to move out, and she's off doing god knows what. Every once in a while I feel ok, but then get rushes of anxiety. My phone rings and even though she's blocked on everything, I still hope that it's her. I look at my phone all the time out of habit because we were always texting or calling each other. I'm trying to be strong but I want to talk to her so bad. I'm so worried about seeing her around town that I don't even feel like going out. What's a good way to move this along?

[Careerchoice]

I know exactly where you're coming from my friend. I was with my ex for 10 years and we were married for 6. I built my entire life around her. Plus my break up happened right as I was coming off cancer treatment. At least we didn't have kids together. It's not easy, but things could easily be a lot worse for you.

 

The prescription for getting over her is not complicated. First step is No Contact. That means blocking her on every social media, block calls, texts, emails, every possible way she would have to contact you or that would give you insight into her life. Spying is breaking No Contact. Then you rid yourself of her stuff. I know some of that stuff may seem a little like both of yours, but definitely the stuff that's obviously hers, you box up and mail it to her or toss it. All the stuff that reminds you of her too strongly, i.e., letters, gifts, throw it away. You're trying to purge her from your life, so lean against keeping anything that's connected to her. I threw away a PS3 because she bought it for me. These are material things that can be replaced. Obviously keep your cat, because now he's your cat. Take care of him.

 

Then you make your life the best it can possibly be. Concentrate on doing better at work/school. Go to the gym and start doing cardio. Do sports. Buy cool clothes. Get a new haircut. Try a new facial hair style. Hang out with your friends. Hang out with your family. Join some clubs and make new friends. If you really can't stay in the apartment, there's always the option of subletting it. Think it over.

 

I'm trying to be strong but I want to talk to her so bad.

 

As long as you feel like this, stay in No Contact. Once you lose this feeling, you can do whatever you want.

 

I'm so worried about seeing her around town that I don't even feel like going out.

 

Go to bars/clubs. If you do see her, it's easy to put your drink down and leave. I did it earlier this year.

 

This brings us to the most important thing you can do to accelerate your healing: start talking to other girls. Do it online, do it in person, to girls you already know, meet through friends, or complete strangers. Push yourself to do this. You have to remind yourself that there are other women out there and that you are desirable to them. You can take it as far as you want with them.

 

That's really it. You're going to get over her. Eventually all of us move on. It's just a matter of how long it takes and how painful it is in the process. My advice helps lower both of those. Keep beating it into your head that you deserve better than what she gave you (everyone deserves better than domestic abuse). Any time you start doubting yourself, remember she's the one that acted out of line, so she's the one who should shoulder the blame.

 

After 10 years, I got over my ex for the most part in 7 months. It's still not perfect because I don't have someone else who I have an emotional connection with, but it'll happen. I'm very convinced of it.

 

Oh, and your ex is not some unicorn. Bring her off her pedestal. There are over 3.5 billion girls in this world. You'll find many who can give you everything your ex gave you plus better. Just look around for a bit.

 

Good luck.

[WantingMore]

Thanks career choice. I'll do my best. I really appreciate you taking the time to give such great advise. This is a great community, I'm glad I've come here.

[Dominique]

The triggers are hard and the pain of breakups is excruciating. But it does get better. You have to try to heal. You won't heal if you don't try.

Go out. Do things for yourself. Surround yourself with positive things. And cry or vent your pain and anger when needed.

It will get better. It just takes awhile.

[Careerchoice]

So an even more extreme trigger happened later on the same night as I posted this. I matched with a girl on Bumble. After I got her number, I did some light snooping and I find out that she is the daughter of my ex's former boss! I met him twice. We went on a date a few days ago and I picked her up from her house. Definitely a surreal moment meeting him again under different circumstances. I was a little sad as I dropped her off due to the reminder, but I got over it and we've been talking. She really likes me.