What now?

[CJ88]

Late last fall I started a friendship with a lady I met through a mutual friend. We had a dalliance, but she made clear she did not want a relationship. At the beginning of the year, she dropped all communication with me, claiming that she did not think we could be friends, anymore. I think this had to do with mixed emotions and lack of communication from both parties.

 

Six months later, I receive messages from her apologizing, wanting to bury the hatchet, and start a friendship anew. I admit I was hurt when she left, both as a friend and unrequited interest. I doubt whether I can trust this person with my feelings, given her disappearance and previous position about being in a relationship.

 

How should I approach this situation? Should I extend my friendship once again, having it thrown aside earlier this year?

[Knight2001]

if i was you i would approach with caution. be very careful. and good luck

[CJ88]

Thanks, Knight2001. I certainly want to be cautious. I'm not sure what my next move is (if at all). I need to think about this more, but I wanted to see if anyone had experience with this situation or any tips on how to proceed.

[kit36kat]

She seems to be very confused and wishy washy. I would be cautious and might not pursue the relationship at all. If she seems sure and honest, then maybe continue with caution but if she's toyed with you in the past this could be her reaching out to you in desperation because she knows she can come back to you after she's been off doing whatever. On the other hand, maybe she has thought about your situation and decided that she wants to rekindle whatever you two had. I would talk to her about her intentions before making any clear decisions. In my experience, going back to former relationship doesn't work out very well. I think you should ask yourself how you feel and if you want to reopen the door of whatever this girl brings and possibly be shot down and shut out again. I like to believe in giving second chances but it seems that many people don't change their ways very often.

[CJ88]

Thanks, kit36kat. I agree with your post. My fear is I'll just be used and tossed again. That she isn't serious. To add to the facts, she asked me to attend a concert with her in December. I have no idea what she wants from me, but I think it is back to the friendship status, like before. Look how well that turned out. Still, I see your point about her having reached out.

 

I have my doubts but I see that there are several months between now and December. This says to me that she is open to interactions up through that time. I should find out more to see where this ship is leading, or if its fated to sink. I really don't know if I want a ticket to ride.

[CJ88]

Update: we met for lunch, things were cordial and pleasant. I didn't bring anything up from earlier, that would have felt confrontational--no one wants conflict over salad. But was I wrong not to say anything about how we last interacted?

 

I liked her a lot, earlier this year. I still like her, but I don't have as much gusto and I am skeptical. Why? I don't trust her as much, because I don't want to be disposable, again. Even if we are just friends: I don't keep friends who drop people like a sack of potatoes.

 

Because of this maybe I should spend some time alone to try and deal with these emotions and thoughts. But at the same time, being along would seem to exacerbate the situation. I'll never grow emotionally via isolation.

 

What now?

[reinventmyself]

. I'll never grow emotionally via isolation.

 

What now?

 

Just something to consider.

I think I grow more when I am on my own, then in a relationship.

It's a great time to be introspective and look at the bigger picture.

Sure, we learn a lot about ourselves in relationships, but we learn just as much learning to have a relationship with ourselves.

[CJ88]

Just an update on this situation, which I will bring to a close:

 

I had no idea what she wanted from me, contacting me after 6 months. She claimed she wanted to be friends but now she is acting in an aggressive manner toward me, has non-responsive answers, and refuses to meet. That doesn't sound like a friend at all. Why would she bother to walk out for 6 months, walk back in, and then treat someone like garbage, again?

 

@reinventmyself, I agree that you have room for lots of personal growth when single. I have learned a lot about myself during this time. But I am still a creature that wants a companion--not to complete myself, but to supplement my life. In return I would do the same. Ideally, we would both grow as people and become something greater than before. That's what says partnership, to me.

 

I don't think this lady is even close to that person. It's something I'm just realizing. I wanted the opportunity to flex my emotional muscles and boundaries---but she just wants to break me down. That's really too bad, because I thought I saw something sincere, even generous in her. I've learned that those qualities in her were not meant for me.

 

I think I will retract from seeking out a companion, for now.