On good terms with my ex, how do I get him back?

[takotub]

My boyfriend and I broke up roughly a month ago after dating for a year. He lost his passion and this is due to several reasons but that's another story.

 

To summarise, I did the typical calling him, crying and begging. When that happened I asked if I could come over and he agreed. I tried to reason with him again but he didn't want it. I asked him, "what's it gonna take?" and he replied "for me to change my mind." I got emotional and started crying, and when he talked about me finding someone better, he cried too. But overall, I had it much worse during the breakup. Trust me, I know for a fact. He handled it much better than me.

 

After that, I came crying to him again but at this point he got angry at me, saying this won't help me move on. So with that, I kept quiet for roughly a week. Then he initiated contact with me and so I assumed he wasn't angry anymore. Since then, we've been on good terms. Casual conversations here and there. I bumped into him in the mall today and we caught up some more but we ended up kissing again.

 

When we bumped into the mall today and we snuck away somewhere private, I asked if I could kiss him. He said he didn't mind, as long as "You won't fall in love with me again right?" And he also asked "are you sure you're not in love with me anymore?" and of course I lied because I wanted to kiss him. In any case, he agreed to kiss me as long as I wouldn't fall in love again. He got really into it, as much as I did.

 

And I know you may tell me he's just using me, but I'm the one who initiated the kiss. So, he really isn't. He never planned on making out to begin with of course. But I swear, I'm never kissing him again. I should stop giving him that advantage since he's not dating me.

 

I guess my intention was I wanted to keep myself on his mind. Remind him how physically compatible we are, and emotionally when I bumped into him.

 

Now, I've hung out with him, we're close friends, but how can I use this to my advantage to get us back together? During the early days of the break up I did a lot of reasoning and crying, but I feel as time has passed my reasoning has strengthened and I can think of better things to say. As well as this, I have a video I never got to show him that I made for our anniversary which I'm sure would make him miss me if I showed him.

 

I have a plan to give him an apology letter talking about getting back together and better changes, as well as that video. Something along the lines of "by the way, I never got to show you this video."

 

But when should I do it? Should I go NC, to make him miss me? To be honest, I feel like I could use 30 days not talking to him. But will it help my chances of getting back together with him since we're on good terms, or ruin it? We only have casual and light conversations once in a while anyway, so me hushing down a bit shouldn't be too abrupt.

 

I've been trying to focus on myself but I can only do it for a few hours before my mind runs to him. This happens every day.

 

To conclude, given that we're on good terms and I just kissed him today, what do I do that will improve my chances of getting back together with him?

 

Also, on his side, he's not really interested in dating and he's definitely not the rebound type. Knowing him, he'll remain single for a while.

[MissCanuck]

Before any of us can really answer your questions well, can you explain why he ended it?

 

You said he lost his passion. What does that mean, exactly?

[Elavohra]

I don't get it how people lose passion in each other? Relationships are hard work where each partner, appreciate the common interest and adjust themselves with the flaws. Nobody is perfect in this world. Anyway, please don't get carried away so much that you guys end up having intimacy. You must understand the meaning of break up. Yes, I would recommend you to be on the NC. Don't give a damn about crying and begging thing, we are all human, we feel bad for certain things and it's natural to behave that way.

Just do the NC, pamper yourself, cry, stay in bed, do whatever to lessen your pain. The more you'll feel it the better you'll come out of it.

Rest you just leave on the god, if he's meant to be he'll surely understand the worth of having you or maybe you reject him in the future, who knows what the future bring! Just keep up your hopes alive and stay positive. Break ups are always healthy.

[MissCanuck]

I think the concept of losing passion (as a deal-breaker) is more typical in younger, less-committed relationships when one person just isn't ready to settle down. Or, it could be the result of a series of negative episodes and feelings that culminate in one person not being interested in continuing the relationship because the romantic love is dead and buried.

[ASmash]

The best way to win back someone after a breakup is to completely let go of that person and work on being the best version of yourself. I feel like when I am completely healed after the relationship and not codependent on that person, the chances of being in a truly happy and passionate relationship increases. If I go back too soon, then the problems of the past are doomed to repeat itself.