Confused or in denial

[Ace88611]

This is my first time posting on a forum and I am not sure why I am as I'm pretty sure I know the answers already that I'm looking for. I had been in a relationship with a man that is in the military and we live 5 1/2 hours apart. I know that he has had a very promiscuous past as he has been very honest about it. I spent the summer, the last about 3 months with him at his home. Things progressed with us as we were practically living together, we spoke a lot about the future, things were good. As summer ended and I had to come back to my home about a week ago I noticed on his Facebook profile (yes I know social media the destruction of relationships) that he had changed his relationship status to where only I could see it. Then I found him on tinder. I brought it up to which he initially denied it but later admitted to so I ended things but we continued to talk, because I needed to understand. I know that he has problems with being alone. I don't want to make excuses for him but with that he also has issues with emotions. When I've asked him why I have gotten answers like, he was bored, lonely, upset that I had left, did not think it was a big deal, he even told me he sometimes does things without ever thinking them through. The problem I am having with understanding is that none of this would be going on if I didn't have to come home. As long as I was there he never tried or wanted to be with someone else so I can't understand why his need to have someone around would be so much stronger than waiting. He has told me several times over the last couple days that this has been going on how much he still loves me, wants a life with me, and misses me yet he has no regard for how all this would have hurt me. We had been talking about me moving in permanently but I had to come home to take care of my things and house in order to make that possible so his answer is that if I had not noticed the Facebook we would still be together. I've known cheaters and I know for men it is usually just a sexual thing but for him and while I'm sure he also has sex with them he just likes the presence of someone, which is weird to me. I have every reason in the world to hate this man but instead I want to understand it better, maybe for peace of mind, it just doesn't all add up to me.

[MissCanuck]

Yikes, this is not a guy you should even be considering taking back. He is not boyfriend material at all, and if this is his definition of "love", I'd hate to see what happens when he's not in love!

 

Honestly, he's not as weird as you think. There are sadly plenty of people like him want attention all the time, and when their partners aren't around, they'll get it somewhere else. Out of sight, out of mind, so they go looking for a convenient source of fun and sex nearby. You're having trouble understanding this because, well, you're not a cheater. He is. He doesn't use the same thought process, care, respect and sound judgement that you do. He is all about himself and his own needs; your feelings don't factor into the equation. Also, consider that this may just be the tip of the iceberg. There could still be plenty more you don't know about him and his extra-curriculars, and I wouldn't be so quick to assume he was totally well-behaved while you there, either. He was pretty ballsy to sign up for Tinder, so I can guarantee you this is not his first rodeo. More than likely, he's misbehaved before and you just didn't know about it.

 

You should also be insulted that he dared to suggest it's somehow your fault since you weren't there and that you would still be together if you hadn't discovered his FB status-change?! What kind of arrogant clown is he? Ugh. The fact that he actually said he didn't think it was a big deal is downright absurd. That says everything about how much this dude values respect and honest (hint: he doesn't)

 

Be glad you found this out now before you moved in with him. If you're looking for monogamy, respect, exclusivity and real love, keep looking. This guy likes other girls too much, and doesn't like honesty and commitment enough. Do get yourself tested too. Who knows where he's been parking it and what he might have exposed you to.

[DanZee]

I agree with Miss Canuck. If you're not around, he's going to go off and cheat. Good thing you found out now. If you want something exclusive, this guy isn't what you're looking for.

[Ace88611]

MissCanuck,

Thank you

Your reply is very honest and I am sure very true. It may be hard to tell from my initial post but I am a strong woman that doesn't generally take from guys I don't know what it is about this one that makes me feel bad and make excuses for him. Like I said he is military and I know he still struggles with what he has been through and the friends he has lost so maybe that is where it comes from but I know as far as a relationship standpoint I do deserve better than this. Any woman would. I think I'm having trouble because not only am I not a cheater but I also have a tendency to always think about how others would feel I too often care more than I should. Maybe there is a forum that will teach me to be more heartless and selfish lol your response was a little hard to read but I think that is because I knew from the first line how right you are. Oh and I am always tested in between partners, nowadays you can't be too careful. Thank you!

[MissCanuck]

It's not about learning to be heartless and selfish. It's about having boundaries and more self-respect, to walk away when someone is mistreating you and being a general a-hole.

 

I have been with a guy like this, who tried to hide his infidelity and then had 100 excuses why it happened. These guys are not relationship material and they are not in love. They're self-serving and devious.

 

I am sure you are a strong woman. So polish up that backbone and tell this guy to hit the bricks. A man who really loves you would never dream of behaving this way.