New boyfriend asked for me back but doesn't work hard to keep me.

[samrose]

I am currently in a very new relationship with someone that I have been friends with for a very long time. After numerous attempts at pursuing each other it would always end with the two of us parting ways even though I felt that we deserved to give a relationship a chance. Long story short, a few months ago my boyfriend asked me out on a date with him again and we pursued each other quite a lot. In the beginning he was very invested in me and planning dates but as time went on, I recognized that it slowly turned into me making all of the plans and I felt like it was pulling teeth to get him to invest in me the way that i wanted. As a 21 year old who has yet to be in a long term relationship, I know what I want and deserve, therefore I ended it with him after a few short weeks. He agreed that he was not in an emotional place to give me what another man would know I deserved and we parted ways.

 

I was shocked when a few weeks later, he begins making constant contact with me again, planning things for our friends to do in order to see me again and he confided in me that he was in a very bad place but knew that his happiest times were when he was with me. He asked me for a 3rd chance (he felt cheap even asking me for another chance) and so i told him that I would as long as he gave it his 100%.

 

Once again, he went from being completely invested in me and wanting to talk and be around me all of the time to shutting me out and even telling me one night that he wanted me to go home because he needed some alone time to recharge. This is of concern for me because I know in his past relationships he had a tendency to be clingy but now in a brand new relationship, he is asking me to leave and not investing in me the way that i want him to. He will bring up the future (like planning a vacation one year from now and meeting my family) but then talk about how there are relationship milestones that we aren't guaranteed to make it to. It seems to me that he is consistently contradicting himself and I don't know why he bothered asking me to be his gf again if he was gonna do this all over again.

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation with a rather introverted and contradicting person? And is it worth it to even stick around?

[Pleasedonot5]

samrose,

 

Have you considered that you might be asking for too much out of this partner? I'm one of those guys who tends not to make plans all the time, and who doesn't want to text 24/7 (I prefer in-person contact). I love people, and love S/O time the most, but I definitely need some solitude to recharge after spending lots of time talking.

 

Another question: if you're better at making plans than he is, and he is a willing participant in your plans, why does it bother you?

[samrose]

This is definitely something I have considered heavily and plays a big role in why I ended it with him in the beginning. He told me that his lack of investment (which I picked up on) was due to the fact that he had a hard time getting excited about planning to see me and that he was struggling seeing himself with any woman. As his friend I accepted the decision to move on and be good friends with him anyway. He asked for me back a few weeks later saying that he recognized that he was making a mistake letting me go and that he wanted to be the one to give me what I wanted. I understand personal space but I struggle to comprehend how someone goes from telling their gf that they aren't around enough when she's busy to suddenly wanting alone time and not texting her when she is available.

[samrose]

As far as making plans, there is something to be said for it being a mutual situation. I shouldn't feel like I should have to read his mind when he wants to hangout yet he doesn't actually plan it himself.

[Pleasedonot5]

Why would you have to be reading his mind if you said "I want to hang out right now, care to join me?" Or however you would word it.

 

I understand if he's at 0%, why you would be upset. I had a talk with a recent S/O where she wanted me to take the initiative in making plans more. So I did once every so often (maybe like once a month or two I'd plan a date). Other than that, we'd both feel comfortable asking each other to come over and do whatever, or to talk on the phone, etc. No pressure, no one was keeping count, etc.

 

It seems though, in contrast, that you aren't asking for that type of concession or compromise. You're asking for 100%, which to me (I'm assuming this guy and I are somewhat similar in this regard) sounds not like a compromise but more like a demand - a demand that would exhaust me and one that I wouldn't be able to meet for weeks on end.

[cherubrock]

Yeah I kind of agree with other posts here that you're putting on the pressure a bit much...and that scares people away. Your bf came back when he missed your presence but then when the pressure was put on again he recedes again. If this relationship really isn't doing it for you then I think you should call it off..since you already seem to know what you really want..