Digging myself a hole

[Beautiful-Love]

Sorry the depressing title...

 

 

I'm feeling like right now. I have a problem about procrastination and I hope with all my heart my relationship won't fall apart because of that.

 

Ever since I was little, family expected me to be the best, to have a bright future and I worked my butt off hard to be that person. Somewhere in high school and undergrads things happened and I got majorly disappointed and adopted the attitude of "maybe I don't have to try as hard" and became lazy. I entered graduate school and hated what I was doing. I slacked off studying and on a lot of important things in my life. I nearly failed almost all of my exams because I wouldn't study until the last minute, even knowing that I couldn't afford to flunk out. I didn't want to disappoint the people that I cared about and I also didn't have a back up plan. Trying to live up to that image of what others wanted from me and what I also wanted for myself eventually became very mentally exhausting because I'm not perfect. I still didn't want to disappoint anyone, but I knew that was inevitable anyway. I felt trapped and all the stress made me slack off even more, instead of pushing myself.

 

I was in a relationship and he was the most supportive person out there, but even then he couldn't even help me. It understand it's my problem and I don't fully understand why I still can't motivate myself enough for the most important things in my life. And now my current relationship is rocky because I'm slacking off again...and part of it is, it's early in the relationship and I get nervous about opening up my feelings completely to him. So I come up with something as an excuse, which is not a lie, but I still neglect to tell my him the real reason that I'm slacking. He's angry about it because he feels "officially being with him isn't my top priority" because one of the things has to be done for us to be together.

 

I know I'm digging myself a hole. I just don't know how to motivate myself and get out of it. I get sidetracked so easily. I am constantly stressed out with a hundred things on my mind. I feel like I can't clear my head because of all the distractions. I'm unplugging from social media right now and blocking myself from certain websites and told him so because I don't want to slack off anymore.

 

The truth is I want us to be together officially. AND STILL I'm a little sh*t and I'm scared. Is fear the only thing that's going to motivate me? Is losing everything going to be that thing that jump start me again? I see my friends working so hard to get where they want to be and I'm ashamed of myself. All my life, I wanted to be there and be in a good position to support those that I love. But what am I missing? I thought love would be that thing that will motivate me, but I don't know why I still slacked off.

 

 

He's pissed. And he has every right to. I can't explain myself. I'm on the verge of breaking down because I'm setting myself up for failure and could be losing him right now.

 

And another thing I need to is to write cover letters so I can get employed, get my own place and move closer to him. But I'm sitting here and not having a single positive thing to say about myself.

 

 

 

Now I'm having all these negative thoughts about how things always go bad. I don't know how to get out of this cycle.

 

 

 

- Lost, sad, stressed, unmotivated, trying to survive

[DancingFool]

"I know I'm digging myself a hole. I just don't know how to motivate myself and get out of it. I get sidetracked so easily. I am constantly stressed out with a hundred things on my mind. I feel like I can't clear my head because of all the distractions."

 

Have you considered talking to a doctor about this? It's possible you have some health issue going on that's causing you to feel the way you do where you feel down, unmotivated, distracted, etc, etc, etc.

[Beautiful-Love]

As far as I know I'm healthy. I'm 27. I had to an annual physical with tests each year for my graduate program and the last time I did that was last year. Everything was normal except low vitamin D, which I'm taking calcium and vit D supplements for. I don't really feel any other physical symptoms and I probably would notice something off since I'm also in the medical field.

 

 

Other than I feel like it's more of a mental block than a physical thing.

[DancingFool]

As far as I know I'm healthy. I'm 27. I had to an annual physical with tests each year for my graduate program and the last time I did that was last year. Everything was normal except low vitamin D, which I'm taking calcium and vit D supplements for. I don't really feel any other physical symptoms and I probably would notice something off since I'm also in the medical field.

 

 

Other than I feel like it's more of a mental block than a physical thing.

 

A generic physical won't necessarily reveal other types of problems, such as adhd. If you are in a medical field, then you should know that. You've been in this mental fog for a long time already. I'd say it's high time to bite the bullet and seek answers more aggressively than just "oh I'm fine because I had a physical".

[Beautiful-Love]

I actually thought about ADHD only because it was so difficult to focus on studying, but that was basically the only reason I thought about it. I would be okay once I sat down and looked at the materials. I could study for hours as long as I got to that point. I don't know if I also lack inspiration because I've noticed that when I read or hear about people's stories or when I'm actively doing something I feel that sense of wanting to accomplish things, feeling inspired. So when I studied, I thought about how much of a difference I could make, how awesome medicine is, etc., and that I could be doing something meaningful like saving lives.

 

It's just getting from point A to point B.

 

 

Anyhow, since I graduated 6-7 months ago my school insurance expired so I'm waiting to get a job soon, hopefully, so I can be on a plan.

[DancingFool]

I actually thought about ADHD only because it was so difficult to focus on studying, but that was basically the only reason I thought about it. I would be okay once I sat down and looked at the materials. I could study for hours as long as I got to that point. I don't know if I also lack inspiration because I've noticed that when I read or hear about people's stories or when I'm actively doing something I feel that sense of wanting to accomplish things, feeling inspired. So when I studied, I thought about how much of a difference I could make, how awesome medicine is, etc., and that I could be doing something meaningful like saving lives.

 

It's just getting from point A to point B.

 

 

Anyhow, since I graduated 6-7 months ago my school insurance expired so I'm waiting to get a job soon, hopefully, so I can be on a plan.

 

There are different forms of ADHD and having it doesn't mean that you can't concentrate ever, it usually means that you have trouble doing it. I really think you need to stop making excuses and get a diagnosis one way or the other. Insurance or not, it's really not that expensive. Just do it. Stop making things difficult for yourself.