He is depressed & won't get help but I miss him

[FerbyBarker]

I dated this guy for 3 and a half months but on Friday (5 days ago) we decided to break up. When we met he says he was in a "good spell" and he was such a generous, sweet, interesting, fun person. We had (still have) really intense physical chemistry and intimacy and we got really close and he opened up to me a lot more than I can tell he's used to doing. I really fell for him and I miss this guy.

 

But over the past month (maybe a little longer) he had been becoming more and more distant and avoidant and didn't ever want to do anything with me (or really at all) outside of his apartment. He just wanted to sleep a lot and watch tv and cook, with or without me there. We had talked before and I had told him how this was making me feel and he had talked about being in a "rut" and it not being about me. So I sort of knew what was going on but I didn't know what to do when it wasn't getting any better and he wasn't communicating with me.

 

On Friday I sent him a text that basically said "I'm feeling really confused, is this still something that you want? because I can't keep investing myself if it's a no. I would rather talk in person but I'm tired of having to push you to make plans with me now" (summarized, it was a bit longer and gentler than that) and he said "I do like you but I don't think this is the best thing for either of us right now. We can talk more in person if you want"

 

So I went to his place and we had a very very sad/sweet evening (I stayed for about three hours). I asked if he was depressed and he said yes but it's not a new thing, it's something that has happened on and off for a long time and he's just used to living with it and waiting it out. He isn't willing to get help, trying therapy or medication is "just not not for him". He doesn't talk to his family or friends about his depression, but he thinks his longtime close friends (who don't live here) know. He wants to be able to have long term relationships but thinks he just isn't cut out for it and it's easier for him to be alone and that's what he's used to.

 

I told him I was worried about him because he had deleted all of his social media accounts and I felt like once I left I'd never see him or hear from him again and he started crying and said he doesn't want that and he still wants to know me and be able to talk to me. I told him that I think he's a great person and I want to be there for him and I want him to talk to me but also that I wouldn't wait for him if he wouldn't get help (he didn't expect me to). I asked him if he was sure about this all and he said it's not fair on me for us to keep doing this (being together) because he doesn't know when he will feel better and put effort into our relationship again.

 

I asked him how he wants this to go and if I should just not call him at all? and he said yes for a little bit but that he will reach out when he's ready to. It was all very emotional and we cuddled and stared at each other for a few hours. Tried not to kiss (on the mouth), given the situation, but we did eventually and then we had sex. Afterward we cuddled/kissed/stared some more and eventually I said it's time for me to go (we were both stalling I think) and he walked me to my car and I said I'm happy we decided to do this in person and he kissed me said he will talk to me soon. It was sad but felt positive.

 

So now I know that I have to go no contact and hope he does reach out (he said three times that he would and I believe him, I just don't know when). I think I will eventually though if he doesn't because I know what it feels like to be depressed and overwhelmed and shut people out. I'm just not sure how long to give myself. 2 weeks? 3 weeks?

 

I don't know how to help him but I don't want to just give up or move on. I have really strong feelings for him and my gut tells me it's mutual, even though he's pushed me away.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this? how can I encourage him to get help? and how can I show that I miss want to be around him while still respecting myself and my own needs?

 

Thank you for your advice, internet friends :strawberry:

[SherrySher]

Is he younger? Is this the first time he had gone through a bad depression like this? That's why I am assuming that he is younger because he's not being

 

responsible and getting help like he should be.

 

Depression does not just disappear, especially if it's gotten to be bad. He will need professional help to cope and I am surprised that he won't consider it.

 

I honestly don't know what you can do at this point. Until he takes care of himself and get's the help he needs, this won't get better.

 

Even if you, or his family or friends want him to get help and get better, none of it will matter unless he takes the first steps.

 

Unfortunately, all you can do is hope that he get's back on his feet and contacts you one day when he is in a better place. And he most definitely needs to be in a

 

better place before getting into a relationship, otherwise it will remain bad or be stuck bad in a rut.

 

You've let him know what you want, now all you can do is hope that he looks after his health and get's the help he might need to get better.

[FerbyBarker]

Is he younger? Is this the first time he had gone through a bad depression like this? That's why I am assuming that he is younger because he's not being

 

responsible and getting help like he should be.

 

Depression does not just disappear, especially if it's gotten to be bad. He will need professional help to cope and I am surprised that he won't consider it.

 

I honestly don't know what you can do at this point. Until he takes care of himself and get's the help he needs, this won't get better.

 

Even if you, or his family or friends want him to get help and get better, none of it will matter unless he takes the first steps.

 

Unfortunately, all you can do is hope that he get's back on his feet and contacts you one day when he is in a better place. And he most definitely needs to be in a

 

better place before getting into a relationship, otherwise it will remain bad or be stuck bad in a rut.

 

You've let him know what you want, now all you can do is hope that he looks after his health and get's the help he might need to get better.

 

Thank you for replying. No he isn't younger, he's a 31 year old man (I'm 30). I know he needs help, even it does start feeling better the depression will come back again (like he's used to) if he doesn't get help.

 

I just don't know if/when I should reach out to him again I guess