Is there hope for us?

[raindrop96]

Hello, everyone. I was broken up with a bit more than a month ago, although in the end it was mutual, but really it was more him, I was willing to work on it.

I will try to keep this short. We had been dating for 6 months and the first 5 were probably the happiest of my life, but the last month was torture, because I was leaving for the US for 4 months and then Spain for 1 year (we lived in the UK). He said we are going on a 'hiatus' and when I come back we could try again. I believe this because we had a lot of love and respect for each other (I don't believe in The One, but I think he was as close to that concept for me as one could get) and we really didn't have any disagreements other than how stressful an LDR would have been for us at this period in our lives (both early 20s, finding jobs, studying, etc., a lot of things changing).

 

The problem is I miss him terribly and not a day goes by when I don't think of him. I'm really afraid he'll forget me. A year and a half is such a long time... Everyone says 'move on' but I don't know how, I'm trying, I'm working, I'm making new friends, but it really hurts. Sometimes something small reminds me of him and I can barely hold back the tears. We have been NC for a month, almost immediately after the breakup...

 

I just need some hope and some help, guys. Please. I don't want to be like this for a year and a half... I could reach out to him after I go back to Europe, because when we're both there, we could see each other often and it wouldn't be as stressful as in America... I would really appreciate your help. Thanks for reading.

[Andrina]

So he knew that after 4 months, you would then be able to regularly see each other. Sorry, but if he isn't willing to temporarily do long distance for what is really a pretty brief amount of time in the span of things, then he doesn't love you, and doesn't think you're worth the wait. Sorry for the tough love, but he doesn't feel like you do, because you were willing to do long distance and he isn't.

 

In my experience, it would usually take me about 4 months to get over the worst mourning period of a relationship after no contact. You will eventually heal and move on. And no, I wouldn't even consider a future with someone who was willing to let me go in this sort of situation. I wouldn't contact him after I arrived in Spain, and in fact would never contact him again. I'd hold out for someone who is crazy about me. I know how difficult it is to let someone go who is fun, sexy, etc. I had to do it once as soon as I saw he didn't meet my major needs. Take care.

[raindrop96]

I think the issue was he felt pressured because we got really serious really fast. Being in LDR at 20 is very damaging to every other aspect of your life, you have to put aside friends and other social contacts to be able to communicate on a regular basis (I've done it and it was hard even for less time than 4 months). He also knew I was quite clingy, which meant that I would spend a year and a half being miserable because I'm away from him (and he was right).

 

I don't agree with you, because I've had time to think about what really happened, and it's not as fresh as it was the first week for me to not be able to think straight (although that does happen from time to time). But I appreciate your comment.

 

I guess what I'm really asking is how do you move on while also holding on. I know it may seem silly to many of you, but I know what we had and he does too and no one can tell me otherwise. Breaking up because of the circumstances is a legitimate reason to break up, and love isn't something that has to be painful (like taking a year and a half worth of sadness and missing them all the time). So I know we have a high chance when I go back to the UK, maybe even before, but for right now I don't know how to move on and ease the pain.

[Jigga]

I don't know if you can move one while you are holding on. All you can do is focus on your life and take things one day at a time for now. It's going to take time to get over the pain. I'm several months out and while it's definitely better I still have ups and downs.

[raindrop96]

It took me 3 months to get over a 3 year relationship, but it seems that with this guy it's going to take a lot longer even though we were together just 6 months. I'm afraid I won't stop loving him because we didn't have issues besides doing LDR. So we will see... Good luck to you with your healing! I hope it gets better for all of us soon.

[Jigga]

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes it's not about the length of the relationship but the depth of the connection. Long distance is really hard and unless both people are really willing to put in the work it's destined for failure from the start. Good luck with your healing too! I'm here if you ever need to talk or vent.

[ColorMeBlue]

It took me 3 months to get over a 3 year relationship, but it seems that with this guy it's going to take a lot longer even though we were together just 6 months. I'm afraid I won't stop loving him because we didn't have issues besides doing LDR. So we will see... Good luck to you with your healing! I hope it gets better for all of us soon.

 

I'm in a similar boat, but 9 months out (we broke NC and for various reasons, nothing came of it) and I can tell you this: one thing I have learned is that grief is what it is. You cannot transmute it, you cannot numb it, you cannot force it to adhere to some cliche timeframe of "well you *should* be over him by now!" Grief knows nothing of this.

 

Sure, you should always continue to focus on yourself and take it step by step, day by day, breath by breath. Don't beat yourself up for crying, but do praise yourself when you notice it's been a day, two days and you haven't cried. Do work out, do go out, but do NOT hold yourself up to the expectation that this will somehow diminish your pain rapidly, or even at all. Take the moments of joy and be grateful you have them. They will grow. In my mind, I will never stop missing him. He was a huge presence and he's gone. That loss must be felt, however badly it ended.

 

Like a loss from death, the absence is something you never "heal" from so much as get used to and accept. The pain will diminish almost imperceptibly. My mistake was ever believing that at some point, I'd wake up and just "be over it." I don't think that happens. I think you accept it and get used to walking with it, and just go on with your life. Even when it's the last thing you feel like doing.

 

Good luck, you're not alone.

[Viewcart]

I'm in a similar situation, together for 6 months, except we have to wait 2.5 years to be together. I'm not resentful that he's not willing to wait for me. That's a huge sacrifice to make and I think that majority of people would not tolerate it unless you're married. 6 months is way too short of time to know if you "love" each other. I know what i felt was infatuation, not love.

 

 

However, I still want him back when the time is right. So what I did was tell him I respect his decision and not to contact me unless he wants to be a part of my life again. I wished him the best and went straight to no contact even though he wanted to remain "friends". Sorry sugar but I'm not going to tolerate being downgraded to friendship while he's out entertaining other women. I know what I want, a committed relationship, and if I get anything less than that, it's no deal.

 

Guess what, i'm going to remain no contact until he ask for me back. Anything else, I ignore. If you disappear off the face of earth, he will never be able to forget you because the curiosity will kill him. Sooner or later he will reach out. In the meantime, don't wait. Live life, date other people when you're ready, and know that the world is a big place with unlimited options.

[raindrop96]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

For me I know I love him, because it was calm, it wasn't a crazy kind of 'oh my god, he is perfect, he is the best, etc.'. I also know we didn't break up to be with other people, but simply because it would have been too big of a sacrifice so early on (plus there are some personal things to absolutely convince me it's not because of the being with other people thing). Of course, that doesn't mean we won't be with other people, but I know it wasn't the reason for breakup.

 

I think with time maybe I will learn to live with loving him and missing him and it won't stop me from living my life. But for now it's hard knowing he exists and I can't reach out. I truly believe there is more in store for us, but a year and a half is a long time, especially at our age, we will change a lot, so I hope after all if it we are still as compatible and good together as before.

[raindrop96]

Hi all,

 

I don't know if anyone will care about an update, but things got better. I got on my feet, focused on myself for a bit and a new guy came into the story and he's even better than my ex. I haven't been in context with my ex at all, not even to wish him a happy birthday. This was the right thing for me at the time, and I think for him too. I do only want the best for him still.

 

It always seems really hard while you're going through it, and then in a couple of months you look back and can't even recognize yourself or those emotions. You can remember an echo of what was happening then.

 

For everyone wishing to reconcile, I wish you all the best, and don't lose hope.