How to make the memories stop hurting/being so overwhelming?

[cleo123]

It's been over 4 months since my ex boyfriend broke up with. In those 4 months, I've gone from feeling depressed to stable to happy to depressed to happy to depressed all over again. It's a viscous cycle and no matter what I do, I can't seem to break free from it. I think what really triggers the withdrawals is memories. But I can't help it- he's every where, you know? A restaurant in the corner, a paper I did in class, a movie, a song, even a word will trigger memories of him. Even without trying, my brain constantly comes up with memories I didnt even think I remembered. Memories as simple and meaningless as putting a face mask on together one night. Or buying an umbrella when we went to the zoo. Or being in a certain store at that zoo with him while I checked my grades online. I remember it like it was just yesterday. god I remember every detail and it's so painful! When someone says "why do white people always ask to take pico off their food?" I remember how one time my ex asked to take pico off his burrito and I remember exactly where we were sitting. Lol. It's ridiculous at this point. I hate that these were some of the best, most beautiful memories of my life and that's all that they'll ever be- just memories. I don't know the person in them anymore and he will never love me like that again. How do you stop the memories from hurting so much? How do you stop yourself from internalizing them so much and dwelling in the past. I know it's bad to dwell in the past but no matter what I do I can't seem to stop wanting the feeling I had with him so bad.

[Miastar]

I hear you and I feel very very similar. The memories are really everywhere! To me it seems madness that these memories can just only ever exist as memories of people and a relationship that no longer exists.

 

It's painful but I think the only thing to do is to ride this out. I wish there was another way as I know how excruciating the pain is as I'm feeling it too. But I guess we have to just ride it out and know that it will get better, even if it really really feels like it won't and will never end!

[EtrnalOptimist]

I'm in the same boat. I know logically it's over and needs to remain over, but I miss her and everything remind me of her.

They say the soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.. The way to do that is to engage the mind in constructive (vs destructive) activities. Work on yourself. Get the best grades you've ever got. Become the fittest / hottest you've ever been. Read more books and find a new hobby.

The flashbacks do subside. It takes time but they really do recede till they become a distant positive memory that merely brings a smile. There are people here getting over a 24yr relationship. It is doable!

Hang in there

[LonelyJedi]

I know how you feel, believe me!

Read my story and you'll understand..

 

I am following the suggestion from my cousin, which is to create new memories at the locations where those flashbacks are.

Went to the movies with this person? Go see a new movie with a friend... or new girl/boy.

I will not lie to you, it will be painful to return to those places. See the places where you two used to walk, where you used to smile at each other, etc.

 

Time heals all wounds I suppose. I can feel her slipping from my heart & mind, but I am still not over her. I revolved my world around her and she threw our life away within hours.

[missing003]

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I feel the exact same way right now. I will feel good for a few days then the wave of emotion will hit and I feel depressed and sad again. I am taking the advice I get from many people on this board. You need to push through this, work on yourself and things will get better. It's so hard when everything reminds you of your ex but I need to let go if I want to be happy again. I want to be happy more than anything and I am really trying to get there. You can do it as well, I know it seems impossible but just keep going. I am looking forward to the day I can look back on this part of my life and realize it was a turning point.

Keep your head up, I know how hard it is.

[No1]

Do you remember your first day of school? Your first day of 1st grade or your first day of HS? How about the first day that you ever worked or the first day that you drove a car? Have you ever been to a family members funeral? You might remember them but since you don't think about it on a daily basis, the emotion tied to that memory is gone.

There is a difference between a memory and an emotion tied to that memory. An example would be remembering a first kiss. I can remember my first kiss, and look back and smile fondly, but since the emotions are long gone, it doesn't emotionally change my mood.

What you are allowing yourself to do is keeping those emotional vines strong, fresh and healthy. You see a restaurant and your memory is activated, but then you allow the emotion take over. Its just a building, it doesn't care if you went there on a date or not. But your heart does and you keep those emotions alive. You and you alone are doing this to yourself and if you have to ask, yes you can control it.

Learn how to self meditate. It takes practice but once you get it, it will help you. Also, learn to accept that its over and you let go of the emotion.

One more thing. You are holding on to the emotion because you like it. You reward yourself and you feel good for a minute, but then reality takes over and you fall right back down to Earth. You said something that was key and that was "I cant stop wanting the feeling I had with him so bad" I get it, we all get it, but in truth, you will have it again, but it will be with another guy. The more you hold on to the emotions thinking it helps you the more its only going to hurt you and thus prevents you from moving on. If you cant move on, then you are not available to finding another guy. Before you say but you want your X. Its over, the relationship is over and you have to let it go. Accept that new memories will be made but with someone else. The sooner you can accept that, then the sooner you be begin to cut the emotional vines that are attached to the memories. You have room in your life for someone better.