How to let my ex know that I have moved on, while he is still in love?

[amii1]

A couple weeks ago, I was in a long term relationship with “Tim” let’s call him. However, after I moved for college a few years back, the distance eventually caught up and my feelings for him slowly faded this year. However, since Tim suffers from severe depression and is very sensitive, I was nervous about breaking the 'bad news'. I just couldn’t stand to see him go through another break down (especially after the recent death of his father).

 

So I made up the excuse of being very busy with my dentistry courses, and essentially just not having enough time for a relationship. Therefore, it was a very smooth breakup, as he didn’t think I loved him any less. I thought it was over, until he continued sending “I love you” messages and “cannot wait until we’re over this break.” He thinks we’ll be back together once classes finish up. He’s also been talking about visiting me this summer, so I don’t have a lot of time.

 

This is giving me so much anxiety because I can’t just say “sorry, I don’t love you anymore” you know? But I also can’t keep going on like this, it isn’t fair to either. I haven’t been saying ‘I love you’ back etc., or regularly responding, but he doesn’t understand. However, Tim did mention that if I happened to meet someone else, to let him know, and recently I did become good friends with a colleague and have a little crush/am interested. I think it’d be strange to mention though, since Tim's messages are so lovey dovey…

 

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Please keep in mind that I would like to be as kind and gentle as possible, thank you in advance.

[Tomthumb88]

Meet him in person and just tell him that it's not working out. You don't need to hammer the "moving on" or "I don't love you". Maybe tell him you had some great times but you're moving in different directions

[Jvi]

While you shouldn't have to say anything more, I agree with Tomthumb88. Have a serious conversation with him and stress that the relationships is/has been over.

 

Next time, please don't try to spare his feelings. He's a grown man and can find his own way to deal with problems. When people try to be the good guy, they usually end up hurting the other person more, even if it wasn't their intention.

[amii1]

While you shouldn't have to say anything more, I agree with Tomthumb88. Have a serious conversation with him and stress that the relationships is/has been over.

 

Next time, please don't try to spare his feelings. He's a grown man and can find his own way to deal with problems. When people try to be the good guy, they usually end up hurting the other person more, even if it wasn't their intention.

 

 

Thank you both. You're completely right. In fact, sadly, right after I posed this, Tim messaged me about how he has taken a few weeks off of work in the summertime to come visit. Now I feel even more terrible. I definitely won't do this again. Do you have any suggestions or advice about what to say to him now that he has already taken time off to come see me?

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Yikes...this happened to me before with an ex. We were together for about 5 years, and I just lost my feelings for him. We remained somewhat friendly for about a year (I was also trying to see if my feelings would change. It didn't.), and then finally I told him in person that I just couldn't be with him because I had to be in grad school out of state (truth), and didn't want to have a LDR or have him move and give up his career. I remained firm with my decision, but I was still compassionate about it.

 

He didn't stop texting me even after I moved out of state, mostly harmless, friendly text messages. although sometimes I knew he was still expecting we would get back together. When he sent me a "I miss you" text, I finally had to tell him this:

 

I'm sad that you're sad because I care about you as a person since we have history together. I think we should stop communicating for a while, and maybe we can be friends down the road, but I don't want you to keep hoping. I cannot give you what you want.

 

He continued to text for at least a couple more months, I mostly didn't respond, or responded with one-word replies. After a few more months, he finally got it and stopped texting.

 

I know how the guilt can eat you up. But the point is, you need to be honest with him, but compassionate at the same time. Just tell him the truth and stick to it.

[SherrySher]

There is no easy way. All you can do is be straight forward with him and tell him that it's not going to work anymore for you. Then let him know that you are broken up now and there is no chance of getting back together.

Let him know that he is a nice guy and that this isn't his fault, but that it's just not going to work. Be somewhat gentle by not blaming him or putting him down, but also be straight forward so he does not have any mixed messages.

The sooner you do this, the better. No need to string him along and have him stay confused.

[MyLifeMyChoice]

OP,

 

Did you break up with him because you started falling for your colleague? Or did you start falling for your colleague because your feelings for Tim had faded away?

 

Just curious.

[amii1]

Thank you for being so sweet. I will keep this in mind. Exactly, I don't want to string him along, I'm just making it all worse for the both of us.

[amii1]

There is no easy way. All you can do is be straight forward with him and tell him that it's not going to work anymore for you. Then let him know that you are broken up now and there is no chance of getting back together.

Let him know that he is a nice guy and that this isn't his fault, but that it's just not going to work. Be somewhat gentle by not blaming him or putting him down, but also be straight forward so he does not have any mixed messages.

The sooner you do this, the better. No need to string him along and have him stay confused.

 

Thank you for being so sweet. I will keep this in mind. Exactly, I don't want to string him along, I'm just making it all worse for the both of us.

[amii1]

^ Sorry, I'm new here. I meant that message for Sherry.

 

And thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, MLMC! It's actually so similar. Where did you get the courage to finally be so blunt to him? Like I still feel Tim is a very important person to me and it's really tough being cut-throat with someone so special.

 

And no, I started slowly losing feelings for Tim long before, around last fall. I actually didn't want to even admit it to myself, until I became very miserable and unhappy over time. I got to know the colleague much later, and it's just a plus that he likes me as well. Though I'm not sure if I should mention that guy to Tim since it might hurt. But I also feel like if I don't, Tim will continue pursuing me or something since he's really into me. It's very difficult. I never thought I'd be in this kind of situation.

[amii1]

And thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, MLMC! It's actually so similar. Where did you get the courage to finally be so blunt to him? Like I still feel Tim is a very important person to me and it's really tough being cut-throat with someone so special.

 

And no, I started slowly losing feelings for Tim long before, around last fall. I actually didn't want to even admit it to myself, until I became very miserable and unhappy over time. I got to know the colleague much later, and it's just a plus that he likes me as well. Though I'm not sure if I should mention that guy to Tim since it might hurt. But I also feel like if I don't, Tim will continue pursuing me or something since he's really into me. It's very difficult. I never thought I'd be in this kind of situation.

[SherrySher]

Thanks, hun.

 

I know it's hard and you don't want to hurt his feelings but he needs to know, so he can heal now. No one wants to hurt someone and it feels bad, I do understand. It's just one of those unfortunate things in life.

Try to think positively though, in time he will heal and both of you can move on. Hang in there.

[amii1]

Thanks, hun.

 

I know it's hard and you don't want to hurt his feelings but he needs to know, so he can heal now. No one wants to hurt someone and it feels bad, I do understand. It's just one of those unfortunate things in life.

Try to think positively though, in time he will heal and both of you can move on. Hang in there.

 

"It's just one of those unfortunate things in life." Well said. I cried about all this today. I really hope I can get this done with very soon. Thank you.

[shessofly]

When you end it, really end it. No mixed messages. No "who knows what the future holds" or using the phrase "right now" or "for now". i.e. I can't be with you "right now", "for now" we need to break up, "maybe some day we can....," etc. People who have been dumped hang on to phrases like that for dear life. Now is not the time to offer friendship. Let him know that you will be going no contact to help both of you get past this...and then really do it. Sorry it's making you so sad, but the sooner the better.

[amii1]

When you end it, really end it. No mixed messages. No "who knows what the future holds" or using the phrase "right now" or "for now". i.e. I can't be with you "right now", "for now" we need to break up, "maybe some day we can....," etc. People who have been dumped hang on to phrases like that for dear life. Now is not the time to offer friendship. Let him know that you will be going no contact to help both of you get past this...and then really do it. Sorry it's making you so sad, but the sooner the better.

 

You're right. Thanks