Walking away

[complicated11]

I think I have finally got to the point where I am DONE. It's been a long long long, way coming. Honestly IDK why I stood by as long as I have or how. I went from dating- someone I would describe as Mr. Perfect to Mr. Imperfect. My prior relationship ended because of long distance, and when I first met Mr. Imperfect I thought that timing couldn't be more prefect. I look back now and part of me wishes I never met him, or never got to know him- really know him- I would have met him anyway because we work next door do each other and I see him every time I go to court. (he is a court officer and I am an attorney). I learned soon (within a few months in) that he had a problem drinking. Me being the person i am really thought that somehow I could help him. Somehow maybe he would talk to me about it, and somehow I could get him to open his eyes. That never happened. Instead I felt like i was harboring a deep secret from the world. One that I still can't just share, except for on here. My friends know, but most the world doesn't. He is fuctional, very fuctional. He can drink every day (he usually does) and drink until he appears drunk to me (of course he will claim he is "just tired"). Bottom line is he drank to much to me all the time. We would fight, break up, he would make the usual promises "i'll drink less"... but never maintain it. i felt like it was almost some joke because he knew how hard it was for me to walk away from him or really anyone. I am a fighter, I still will never quite understand the power alcohol has over him. I don't understand how it makes him feel... I will never understand why... is life really that bad? The only thing i know and that gives me solace is that-- i've always held fast with... I can't live like this. I can't be with an alcoholic or someone with a drinking problem... and if you ask me it's the same thing. He will say that sometimes he drinks to much, but will never really admit that he has a real problem. He will say that he can drink however much he wants... but I don't think he can. If you ask me he has no control. If you ask me, until he is ready to quit drinking and admits to having a problem (a real problem), he will always be the way he is now. I want to get married and have kids and i've made it clear, that I will never do that with him-- I won't marry an alcoholic... I won't have kids with an alcoholic. It's not what I want for me or for any kids I have. I never really thought I would be in this situation. When I tell some friends I haven't spoken to in a while, they are surprised I lasted as long as I have.... and so am i... Some of it is... bad advice of being told to stick it out, see if it get's better... give him another chance... being told he cares about you... some people feeling like if you love him you must stick by him. It took me a year or more to get to this point where I can say-- i don't care anymore. I care about me. I care about how I feel, and I care about the fact that I realize now that no matter what he tells me... it's a lie, he won't drink in moderation. he doesn't know moderation. Honestly, I don't even think he cares. I feel like I am the glue that held us together. If i quit, I don't see him "fighting"... I see him just rationlizing... that i didn't love him. I am to the point where he can say whatever he wants to himself to make him feel better. I know the real reason I left. I can't handle his drinking. I never could. I hate it. i despise it. i despise everthing about it. It makes me feel so frusterated with him, the sitation, and the people around him who just sit back and do nothing. I grew to hate his parents for doing nothing. One day I blurted out in anger in front of his parents and his brother that he had a drinking problem before storming out of their house because he was drinking... It took me a lot to say something to them. I got the response, I hated... but at the same time it calmed me... a simple "we know" from his mother. It's sad because I went back there a million times later it seemed and she never once tried talking to me about it... but I also didn't feel comfortable talking to her about it. So I say nothing. I talked to his sister a little about it since I had a good relaitonship with her, and i just learned really that he had these issues for a long time. How long-- I don't know, but well before me. Point is... there is no end of it in sight. Later, I eventually told one of his friends, who actually works with him, and is like a second mother to him. This was maybe a few months ago... she wanted to know how "we" were and i just flat out told her, because I felt desperate... I told her that he drank too much, and her reaction was that she knew... appearently eveyone seemed to know... i told her how bad it was... and she didn't know it was "that bad". She asked me what I was going to do, and I told her... that it wasn't a what, it was a when. I knew sooner or later I would just walk away. i have to. I can't handle it. And then finally... one night it just hit me... that this is never going away. I am sick of being pissed of... I am sick of feeling mean because I hate it... i almost hate him, but i love him.... but i hate his drinking. I hate it. I hate what it does to him. I hate how it affects him. I hate that he is okay living his life the way he does. I hate that he cares more about drinking than me. I hate that he makes excuses. I hate it. It's a serious problem. It got to the point where, I can't sleep over his house- partly because I am scared to sleep with him. Sometimes, he wets the bed... and it's awful... i hate the feeling... i hate never knowing if the bed will be wet in the morning, I don't want to get wet, and I don't want to get waken up... I hate it when he drinks alot because he snores so freakin loud that i can't even falls alseep... and if i sleep in the other room he gets pissed at me. So I stopped sleeping over--for the most part. i hated though the way his drinking would make me... i would question outloud if he wet the bed, which i know would piss him off...I was just so pissed off for what he put me through and not caring about my feelings at all. Not understanding where I am coming from, and not giving one ounce as to how I feel. The realtinship was centered around him.... his needs. I felt like none of my needs were ever being met. i felt alone with him and alone without him... and yet I kept with him because, I didn't want to give up. I didn't want him to think I didn't love him. I cared. I tried. Finally... I just got to the point where... Sorry means nothing. Sorry is just a word with no action it is just a word. He wouild drink too much and then say sorry... but there was no end... it was just an up and down... and I was so sick of the rollercoaster. I wanted change. i wanted normalcy. I craved feeling how I felt in other relatinships where it was just normal... good... not constant turmoil and stress. I felt so stressed.. . like i would rather be at work than be at his house... I would want to walk out the door as soon as I walked in the door when I saw him with a drink.... when we would recycle bottles, I would think to myself... and soemtimes outloud-- that's a lot of drinks... because if he is drinking soda (it's mixed with alcohol), if he is drinking his lovely vitamin drink (it's mixed with alcohol)... the only thing that isn't is water... And I work... and he works... in an environment where we see people with drug and alcohol issues... it's sad... it's pathetic... when you almost hope that he get's a dwi or something so that he is forced to get help... I wouldn't care if he lost his job. Of course... he is smart when it comes to that and won't drink and drive-- but that's a good way to tell if he has drank to much-- he won't admit being drunk, but will say he won't drive... so yes you are drunk. Finally... I just had enough. I care about me... He might not, but I do. The tipping point for me, was him bringing a pre-mixed mason jar (covered) with us when we went to the casino... who does that... I don't buy the... oh it's cheaper to bring your own... who the hell does that. And of course he still bought alcohol inside... IDK how many drinks he had, because I learned that counting only pisses me off... but i saw him have at least two, but with how he looks... he probably had 4-6 is my guess... but who knows... and who cares. I drove him home... and then went inside, grabbed the small about of stuff i had there (I stopped having things there because there was no point) and went home... I would rather sleep in my own bed... And that was that... I was done... i finally realized- there was nothing I could do. I finally realized that there is no moderation... I finally realized that sorry... as much as i want to hear it means if you don't take real action... and he takes none. he never will. Instead I got a random phone call in the middle of the week...at midnight with him... clearly drunk... and then the next day when I said again I was done... and that i'll spend time with you the day that you decide to do something for real about your drinking...I just got him calling me a few times in a row and him screaming at me and getting in whatever insults he could-- because he needed the last word. And it's fine. I am so tired of it... I am not going back to it. I realize now, that he won't change... I can't change him. I don't even expect or wish that me leaving him will have any effect on him-- because in part-- I know it won't. I don't know what would have any effect on him.. IDK if he will ever reach his rock bottom-- but it is not me... he has shown me-- by his actions that he doesn't care about me. He could tell me he loves me... but I don't see it. I see someone who loves alcohol more than anyone else in the world. I see a sad person-- who needs help, but won't get help. I see me as just an enabler as long as I am there. I feel bad for the next person he meets, and the next one after that.... because he presents so well. I hope they don't fall for it like I did. For that reason.. I wish I never got to know him.. I wish i never knew the real him. I've never met a guy where I walked away, and felt like... he never loved me... he never cared about me... and with him-- that's how I feel. If only he cared about my feelings. I know the next few weeks will be the hardest. I know there is no going back-- I can't now... I've go back before-- but I think I finally just got the realization. There is no reason to go back. It's just a game... I am lucky though, because I don't see him trying to get to me... I know in my heart that i don't matter to him. He has shown that so many times. He has hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. The alcohol.. the disease... it can have him... but it won't have me. I know I will eventually meet someone who treats me well again. And I just know when I do, I will appreciate it so much. I miss that. I miss feeling loved. But for now-- I am just taking time for me. Time for me to find hapiness again.

[Ziggy123]

he has a drinking problem and has not admitted it yet. he needs to decide for himself that he wants to quit and get help, you cannot save him he has to do it himself. I hope he does

[Hollyj]

Nothing like a huge wall of text. Be more considerate to your readers.