New girlfriend just confided in me that she is recovering from Bulimia.

[lemsip]

I have a few questions as this is all new to me. I want to know what I am getting myself in to.

 

Does any one have any experience with this?

[Keyman]

Can I suggest talking to her about it and asking if you can play a role in her recovery?

[lemsip]

Yes, we have talked. She has said I don't need to do anything but to continue to be a caring boyfriend as that is enough. She has gone nearly 6 months without an episode so things look positive.

 

I'm just wondering if this is something she can beat alone (which she seems to want to do) or does she need to speak to a professional.

[glitterfingers]

I have a lot of personal experience with the full spectrum of eating disorders (except for pica, never had that). Have had various issues for around 13 years. Happy to answer any specific questions you have?

 

One factor to consider in recovery is the length of time she had the disorder... The longer someone has had an eating disorder, the greater the likelihood that they will relapse in the future, and you may want to check for signs. Edit: I mean, don't physically check, just be wary if she starts getting secretive about food or goes to the bathroom after meals.

 

Another thing is to look at any potential underlying conditions. Obviously you're not able to really do that without being a psychologist, but you might ask her if she feels that she has a mood or anxiety disorder (which might include OCD, for example) that contributed to her struggles with food and body image. These are things that she should address with a professional in order to avoid the possibility of relapse.

 

Personally for me there are certain triggers (you might be able to ask her if she has any). Examples are if I eat too much and get too full, I will have an anxiety attack. If someone pushes images of 'fit' or 'thin' women at me, I will get insecure and urges to stop eating. If I gain weight, god forbid, that can tip me over the edge. Just being sensitive and understanding about those things can make a difference

[Keyman]

Personally, I think she should see a professional, at least have a doctor check her out to make sure she hasn't done any lasting damage. But by even asking her to do something like that might set the relationship back. Best just t let her know you care for her and if she needs anything you are there for her.

[lemsip]

I have a lot of personal experience with the full spectrum of eating disorders (except for pica, never had that). Have had various issues for around 13 years. Happy to answer any specific questions you have?

 

One factor to consider in recovery is the length of time she had the disorder... The longer someone has had an eating disorder, the greater the likelihood that they will relapse in the future, and you may want to check for signs.

 

Another thing is to look at any potential underlying conditions. Obviously you're not able to really do that without being a psychologist, but you might ask her if she feels that she has a mood or anxiety disorder (which might include OCD, for example) that contributed to her struggles with food and body image. These are things that she should address with a professional in order to avoid the possibility of relapse.

 

Personally for me there are certain triggers (you might be able to ask her if she has any). Examples are if I eat too much and get too full, I will have an anxiety attack. If someone pushes images of 'fit' or 'thin' women at me, I will get insecure and urges to stop eating. If I gain weight, god forbid, that can tip me over the edge. Just being sensitive and understanding about those things can make a difference

 

I appreciate your reply, thank you.

 

I don't know all the details but she has had the condition about two years. It was originally triggered by a very stressful toxic past relationship - as in she couldn't control what was happening in the relationship and so this gave her a sense of control. He is now out of the picture and she is determined not to fall back into a bad pattern of behavior.

 

She says she feels truly lucky to have met me, and wanted to be honest with me. And I get the feeling a stable caring relationship will help her a lot.

 

She keeps a journal and says she eats enough, but not to the point of getting totally full in case she is sick. She is quite thin but perhaps this is also because she is small. I asked her about food and she says food in itself is not a trigger. ie. we can go out for lunch etc. I haven't asked her yet what her triggers are (too delicate a subject) but perhaps it is emotional triggers such as feeling she may be cheated on or something.

 

Basically my main reason for posting is to see if this all seems positive and a step in the right direction. It is early days and we like each other. I'm just clueless about this disorder and recovery.

 

I have two main questions at the minute:

 

1. Can this be beat alone or does it always need to involve counseling/ therapy.

 

2. If someone is doing structured eating and keeping a journal about food etc - will this always be the case or over time does it become less and less.

 

Many thanks.

[lemsip]

Personally, I think she should see a professional, at least have a doctor check her out to make sure she hasn't done any lasting damage. But by even asking her to do something like that might set the relationship back. Best just t let her know you care for her and if she needs anything you are there for her.

 

I asked if she went to the doctor and had a physical. She says they checked her liver, kidneys etc and no lasting damage was done.

[glitterfingers]

I appreciate your reply, thank you.

 

I don't know all the details but she has had the condition about two years. It was originally triggered by a very stressful toxic past relationship - as in she couldn't control what was happening in the relationship and so this gave her a sense of control. He is now out of the picture and she is determined not to fall back into a bad pattern of behavior.

 

She says she feels truly lucky to have met me, and wanted to be honest with me. And I get the feeling a stable caring relationship will help her a lot.

 

She keeps a journal and says she eats enough, but not to the point of getting totally full in case she is sick. She is quite thin but perhaps this is also because she is small. I asked her about food and she says food in itself is not a trigger. ie. we can go out for lunch etc. I haven't asked her yet what her triggers are (too delicate a subject) but perhaps it is emotional triggers such as feeling she may be cheated on or something.

 

Basically my main reason for posting is to see if this all seems positive and a step in the right direction. It is early days and we like each other. I'm just clueless about this disorder and recovery.

 

I have two main questions at the minute:

 

1. Can this be beat alone or does it always need to involve counseling/ therapy.

 

2. If someone is doing structured eating and keeping a journal about food etc - will this always be the case or over time does it become less and less.

 

Many thanks.

 

It's good she is aware of what her original reason for slipping into those habits were, i.e. that she had a toxic relationship. It sounds like she has grown from the experience, so a positive step for sure.

 

As for your questions:

 

1. Some people really benefit from counselling, and some people really don't. Eating disorders are complex in that they are so deeply personal (and in some ways gratifying) that people can be reluctant to get help for them, and trying to push someone to get help will cause them to do quite the opposite. If she is open to getting counselling? That is awesome, even just a few sessions would be excellent (I wouldn't say this to her but eating disorders thrive on secrecy, so her being able to admit it to a professional is a hugely positive step). If she is unsure, definitely would not push it or suggest that she is in any way unable to cope on her own

 

2. The structured food journal and eating plan is probably a positive thing too, but just a different tactic for her to control her food intake and count calories. Very subtly. Do you think she is underweight? It could be that she has simply traded bulimia for controlled calories and maintaining a low weight. I think you'll find out over time if she is developing a healthier relationship with food or if she's still a little obsessed with control - but cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

Thank you for showing so much support for her. Stand up guy

[lemsip]

It's good she is aware of what her original reason for slipping into those habits were, i.e. that she had a toxic relationship. It sounds like she has grown from the experience, so a positive step for sure.

 

As for your questions:

 

1. Some people really benefit from counselling, and some people really don't. Eating disorders are complex in that they are so deeply personal (and in some ways gratifying) that people can be reluctant to get help for them, and trying to push someone to get help will cause them to do quite the opposite. If she is open to getting counselling? That is awesome, even just a few sessions would be excellent (I wouldn't say this to her but eating disorders thrive on secrecy, so her being able to admit it to a professional is a hugely positive step). If she is unsure, definitely would not push it or suggest that she is in any way unable to cope on her own

 

2. The structured food journal and eating plan is probably a positive thing too, but just a different tactic for her to control her food intake and count calories. Very subtly. Do you think she is underweight? It could be that she has simply traded bulimia for controlled calories and maintaining a low weight. I think you'll find out over time if she is developing a healthier relationship with food or if she's still a little obsessed with control - but cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

Thank you for showing so much support for her. Stand up guy

 

She told me she wants to try and beat it alone but if it gets too bad she will seek help. She has one group of friends who also know about it, and offer support. I also sent her a link to a support group, but that's as much as I will do now. I don't want to pressure her as she has been dealing with this herself for some time now and I am new on the scene. I can't start barking orders.

 

I do think she is underweight. But I am hoping over time she can put on a few pounds. She says some days she will have smaller portions and then next day a bigger meal to make up for it.

 

I do not want this to define the relationship. We had an open chat where we talked, and I said I wanted her to always be honest with me, and if there was ever a relapse I want to know. So I am leaving it at that, and trusting her.

 

In the meantime, I want to get on with going on dates and having fun and in a sense try and make her forget about it.

 

Is this the right approach?

[glitterfingers]

She told me she wants to try and beat it alone but if it gets too bad she will seek help. She has one group of friends who also know about it, and offer support. I also sent her a link to a support group, but that's as much as I will do now. I don't want to pressure her as she has been dealing with this herself for some time now and I am new on the scene. I can't start barking orders.

 

I do think she is underweight. But I am hoping over time she can put on a few pounds. She says some days she will have smaller portions and then next day a bigger meal to make up for it.

 

I do not want this to define the relationship. We had an open chat where we talked, and I said I wanted her to always be honest with me, and if there was ever a relapse I want to know. So I am leaving it at that, and trusting her.

 

In the meantime, I want to get on with going on dates and having fun and in a sense try and make her forget about it.

 

Is this the right approach?

 

I think that is definitely the right approach. All you can do is be supportive of her as a person. If she rarely talks about such concerns then that is a really positive sign as well that she's moving on with her life

[lemsip]

I think that is definitely the right approach. All you can do is be supportive of her as a person. If she rarely talks about such concerns then that is a really positive sign as well that she's moving on with her life

 

Thank you.

 

So if we do become closer and the relationship progresses, you think if she doesn't talk about the condition it it is a good sign?

[Wiseman2]

It's a chronic disease with remissions like you are seeing now and frequent relapses during stress. It requires ongoing therapy by a well trained team of professionals.

 

Do not try to fix or help her. She will hide it when she starts again or may still be doing it, so beware the signs. Bulimia is just one expressed behavior of a truckload of emotional and family problems underneath. Proceed with caution. Consider not getting emotionally invested in this.

 

This is a huge red flag 6814620]I'm just wondering if this is something she can beat alone (which she seems to want to do) or does she need to speak to a professional.

[glitterfingers]

Thank you.

 

So if we do become closer and the relationship progresses, you think if she doesn't talk about the condition it it is a good sign?

 

I mean, yes in the sense that if she isn't focusing too much energy on food or needing to keep track of it, then that is a sign of a healthier attitude towards it. On the flipside if she becomes a bit secretive and picky/insecure about food and body image, or goes to the bathroom after meals, that might be bad. But I wouldn't worry at this stage too much as you want to avoid being judgemental about "what if"