Am I being irrational?

[just19k]

My bi-girlfriend of over a year just left me. I'm sure it was a collection of issues but I honestly think the main issue was that, I wasn't okay with her hanging out with bi-friends from previous relationships or ones that had expressed interest in her.

 

My logic is that if I wanted to hang out with ex-girlfriends, she wouldn't be okay with that and she agreed. However, somehow, this wasn't the same.

 

About a month ago, she had been contacted by the girl her previous girlfriend had left her for. She contacted my girlfriend to say she was sorry, begun to talk and about a week ago they meet up at a restaurant to eat and have drinks. There was another friend present. However, I made the case that, if I went out with a friend and then invited some chic from work she didn't know, she would be upset. She agreed, but somehow this wasn't the same.

 

I said I was okay with her having already established, gay/bi friendships. I just didn't see the need for new ones. Just as I wouldn't try to make new girl/friends, out of respect for her.

 

Am I being irrational?

[maccerz]

ehhh yeah kind of.. I can see where you're coming from in terms of hanging out with exes, but not being allowed to make new friends with gay or bi people? That's ridiculous. Both of you should feel free to make new friends no matter their gender or sexual orientation and it not be an issue. There's nothing disrespectful about that.

[rosephase]

You aren't be irrational. You are being insecure. If you trust her it shouldn't matter who is her friend denying her the right to new friendships with bi or gay women is actually pretty awful. Community is important. But her having a double standard is garbage. You should be able to make new female friends. Why anyone thinks relationships should edit your ability to make friends Mystifies me.

[just19k]

We should be able to make friends like that, in a perfect world. Although, she wouldn't be okay with that and admits it. And that's probably why I'm a bit more hard nosed about it than I may have naturally been.

[IAmFCA]

The real question is whether you trust her ability to set boundaries. Other people may desire her; so what. We can't run around concerning ourselves with our understanding of what someone else is thinking. Goodness, women who work with men would have to sit alone.

 

Exes, like all exes, are different because of the emotional connection.

 

And if she feeds off of the admiration and affirmation of others, then she is a risk - and you'll never isolate her enough to eliminate that risk.

 

Conclusion, no exes unless an exception is warranted. Otherwise, trust each other to manage yourselves appropriately. Or, if that trust isn't warranted, accept the risk.

 

(Next time. I am sorry for the apparent break up.)

[just19k]

That's the problem; I don't trust her abilities to set boundaries. I love her because she's like a delicate flower, completely affected by her surroundings and whatever emotions are flying. But it's that very reason I don't trust her. I think anyone could just swoop her up. Ugh, I just need to let this one go.

Thank you

[rosephase]

We should be able to make friends like that, in a perfect world. Although, she wouldn't be okay with that and admits it. And that's probably why I'm a bit more hard nosed about it than I may have naturally been.

 

So don't live by her hypocrisy. Be friends with who you want. Don't punish her just let her know how you will live your life.

[IAmFCA]

That's the problem; I don't trust her abilities to set boundaries. I love her because she's like a delicate flower, completely affected by her surroundings and whatever emotions are flying. But it's that very reason I don't trust her. I think anyone could just swoop her up. Ugh, I just need to let this one go.

Thank you

 

The other side of the coin as you describe it is drama drama drama.

 

She may a sponge who fascinates, but she also is an adult who is responsible for herself and can be held accountable as such. Not by you as her manager, parent, teacher, etc, but by you as another adult. You, making the choices that you make, are a direct result of the risk she presents. Investing in her does not seem like a sound investment.

[rosephase]

That's the problem; I don't trust her abilities to set boundaries. I love her because she's like a delicate flower, completely affected by her surroundings and whatever emotions are flying. But it's that very reason I don't trust her. I think anyone could just swoop her up. Ugh, I just need to let this one go.

Thank you

 

Don't date someone you don't trust. Period. If you think she'll wander away like kitten then don't invest in her. If she will fall in love with anyone of a gender she's attracted to that she spends time with... what are going to do? If she's only with you because she never sees anyone else she's remotely attracted too? What kind of relationship is that?

[just19k]

well, it's over anyway. I guess I was just trying to figure out where my views stood with the rest of the world. I think we can agree she was being a hypocrite. Let her go..

 

Thank you for your responses

[MissCanuck]

Without trust, there is no relationship.