The gift that lasts a lifetime (that I don't want).

[Mavrik]

I knew something was up but chose to ignore it as didnt want to accept that this 'thing' had come back from the darkness it dwells in, to bite me back and drag me back to the dark place where it lives.

 

It's less of a gift, more of a burden but it has been given back to me nicely wrapped and a nice big bow on it, and I had to take it and couldn't say 'I don't want it'.

 

This thing I talk of is depression.

 

I had the breakup as those know my story are aware of. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, after which, I was on the road to recovery but was hoovered back into meeting with my ex (who is BPD), the meeting went badly and she turned on me. I drove home with tears in my eyes (that's one of the affects of my depression it makes me very tearful at the slightest emotional thing, or major things like this incident). I thought it was due to what had occurred and ignored my own signs. Maybe hoping my depression hadn't come back.

 

At work and at home I would become tearful for no real reason.

 

Sat at home the past 2 days I accepted what had happened to me and my depression was back. Had to go back on my meds, tried therapy and alsorts in the past it doesn't work for me, so meds it is.

 

I hate losing people and don't allow them into my life much, I'm a closed book, you have to be very special to me for me to allow you in. I let her in and shd damaged me a lot and here I am, in the darkness.

 

Even after all the high profile incidents with celebs who have suffered from this. I find It's still a taboo subject, and no one wants to listen and ignore it. I've had comments such as 'cheer up', as if it's as easy as that. And comments such as 'you are such a lively person, with lots of friends and people around you, how can you have it'. 'You have so much going on in your life and have so much, you can't have depression'.

 

It's not something we chose and it's not something we want, it's sadly the fall out and after affects of the ending of an intense relationship.

 

So the dark place is where I will have to stay for a while, simply because I loved someone that couldn't be loved.

 

Nobody wants to suffer depression and the taboos that go with it. But sadly it's a part of me (and those that suffer from it) who I/we are.

 

It's painful to know that trying to find love can cause this to happen, makes you think why bother.

[Collegeguy2]

Mavrik, I know exactly how you feel and what you're talking about. I've had depression since about 16-17 years old when my parents divorced. I was never the person to seek help or talk about my problems. As soon as this happened I found the girl who is now my ex-girlfriend. We dated for 4 years and some months. I am now 22 and depression has always been a part of my life and it's heartbreak that just makes it a lot harder too.

 

There is times I feel a lot better about our break up two months ago but then all of a sudden I just get sad and not necessarily about the break up but once again just because of the depression. The mind is so strong and we have to learn how to control it as best we can. I have been in and out of therapy the last couple of years sometimes I want to resort to medications but I'm afraid I'll become addicted to them so I've helped back on that for now.

 

Finally I just want to say that you are not alone. I hope you can open up more about this with other people. When I have opened up with others I have learned that some of my happiest classmates and coworkers deal with the same thing day in and out. Find those that understand what you're going through because I know how hard it is to not have anyone that knows what you're feeling.

[WithLove]

Firstly: when you said "the gift that last a lifetime", I thought you meant an STD, which is bad and not in good humor and I'm sorry.

 

Secondly - however bad you feel right now, please try to remember that these feelings (breakup feelings) are temporary and will fade in time.

[D1mps]

Dear Mavrik, I sympathise with you and all you have written above in this post so much. I have PTSD as a result of my recent breakup and it's not an easy thing to deal with, or overcome. I understand depression can grab you by the throat equally as tight...

Hang in there!

 

I'm sorry to hear therapy didn't work for you. I tried a couple of different ones before I finally found the right one for me and it may serve you well to consider doing the same?

I was against medication at first too, then realised I wasn't coping with therapy alone... Maybe if you give the medication and therapy combo one last push, it could possibly turn things around for you this time?

 

My box is open should you need it as I really do empathise with your current suffering. I'm struggling so badly at the moment too, even to maintain NC!

 

Be kind to yourself, be sound and stay well.

[Mavrik]

Licking Its not an STD, maybe I should have thought of a better title and see what you mean (and your obseravation made me smile).

 

I've had this now for 3 years and seems to be getting worse. Like I said I've tried therapy and it's not for me.

 

I told my ex about my condition and what affects it, yet she seemed to ignore it and did whatever she wanted to do, wether it hurt me or not. that's how caring she was.

 

If you have suffered it, you know of the dark place I talk about.

[Mavrik]

Thanks D1 and sending love to you all.

 

Ironically my ex is a therapist? And a good one at that. She helps lots of people yet struggles to accept she has BPD and the hurt she gave me. That's why I'm struggling with NC as she's the one I always turned to first be it a therapy issue (no she wasn't my therapist), or a personal issue, she'd be the first.

 

I'm going to contact my doctor to discuss this with him and try therapy once more.

 

I'm clock watching too as it's 5 1/2 hours before it goes dark, that's when I know I'm going to get the heavy heart of fear kicking in due to the darkness outside (and in).

 

I hate this, why would anyone say they love you then hurt you to such levels as this.

[D1mps]

Mavrik, it all sounds messy. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I'm pleased you're willing to talk the idea of therapy over with you doctor again. It can be discouraging when you don't feel the right connection with them, but trust me, the right one will be out there if you keep looking.

 

Have you tried any MBCT or mindfulness exercises at night when you know your depression elevates?

May be worth investing in a few books etc to help you learn some coping strategies too.

[Mavrik]

This is the tough part, my ex made me some relaxation and mindfulness recordings that I have, and they really helped.

 

BUT it's her voice on them and they are 30 minutes long all 3 of them. But I don't want to hear her voice. Welcome to my world where things aren't as easy as they seem

[D1mps]

This is the tough part, my ex made me some relaxation and mindfulness recordings that I have, and they really helped.

 

BUT it's her voice on them and they are 30 minutes long all 3 of them. But I don't want to hear her voice. Welcome to my world where things aren't as easy as they seem

 

There's always a solution!

 

There are a lot of these books and recordings available online in places like YouTube etc...

Why don't you try one there and see how you get along?

 

Exposing yourself to your ex via any medium right now, is probably a really bad idea, but if the recordings did help, you should not give up seeking an alternative.

 

Go on... Try it! You might surprise yourself.

[Mavrik]

Thanks. I'll look on line, as the relationship I now realise was abusive and the last thing I need to help me recover is to hear her voice.