4 months into breakup and still struggling

[Wolly113]

I i have been broke up with my girlfriend for 4 months now, we were together for just over 2 years, i thought that i had the one, i loved this girl more than anything in the world. since the breakup i cannot get her off my mind and it is really concerning that it has now been 4 months and i think about her 24/7 and i mean all of the time, not a second goes by where i am not replaying all of our memories i just cant stop it its like i find comfort replaying the past but its tearing me up inside. everywhere i go i imagine her next to me, when i go somewhere new for example on a nice walk in the countryside i just cry because she inst with me and i know how much she'd love the scenery and it tears me up that she'll never be with enjoying these things. it has had a massive effect on my mental health, i haven't been happy for 4 months, my motivation to do anything is zero, before this i was such a fun loving person who grabbed everything in life and found such joy in so many little things, now nothing excites me, i have honestly completely lost who i am, without her i have no idea who i am anymore, i use to love making my bed in the morning, i found such joy in doing that simple task but now i cant even be bothered, i use to love getting up early on the weekends even when i had nothing to do i'd but up so early just loving love, now i sleep in becuase i feel i have nothing to get up for, i have never lay in bed doing nothing i use to go against everything i use to stand for but now i just cant see any reason to wake up, i hate my life, i wish i wasn't going through this, i just want her back but i know that she'll never be back in my life. how can i stop this misery, how can i stop thinking about her 24/7 and try and move on with my life without her, i just want my old fun loving self back!

[Bec090]

I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible.

I think you've put yourself into a hole and keep digging deeper with the constant thoughts of her. I know I've been there and I'm 3 days into a break up and feeling very much the same.

What were the reasons you both broke up? How old are you and what were your living situations?

A few years back I came out strong from a 10 year relationship so it does get better I promise. All it took me was time. And finding myself again.

You might benefit from seeing a professional too. Just to help you get your life back on track.

[jujusamples]

Sorry to hear you are still so depress over the breakup. I suggest you seek some counselling. It's good sometimes when you fall into a rut to let out your feelings to a therapist. Sometimes by just letting them out and talking about it really helps.

 

You could also try exercising, it will help you feel happier! I know it sounds hard to do because you don't feel motivated, but the ironic thing is, the more you exercise, the more motivated you are going to feel. Plus, exercise releases endorphin which will help you feel more happy. It's something to get you out of the house, which is good for your mental health. When I had major depression, exercise was the only thing that helped me become more motivated and helped me snap out of depression.

[Knight2001]

i agree with jujusamples - get out there and get some exercise. if you dont want a gym or anything have you any friends/relatives whose dog you could walk? you need something to keep your mind occupied other than thinking about your ex. dont worry, most of us have been through it and it DOES GET BETTER.

good luck.

[No1]

Happiness and your old life isnt going to come knocking at your door to say "here I am!!" Depression and sad ness will always find you if you are standing still, but you must be in motion to find happiness.

I see several issues, but here is just one. You have her on a pedestal. You have defeated yourself thinking that there is nothing better than her. Without her, you will not be as happy or she was it, the one.. Im going to give you some reality. She was not the one for you. If she was, you would still be with her. So that means you were meant for someone else. You have put your X on such a high pedestal that you have set the bar so high and no one else will be able to be equal to her. Understand that if you go out on a date its with someone that wants to be with you and that trumps your X who doesnt want to be with you.

I dont quite know if you have accepted that its over, however I do know you are afraid to let go of your relationship for fear of never having that again. So let me ask you.. you are holding on to the past for fear of letting go and how is that going for your mental health? Are you happy with how you are handling it? As you see, but probably havent realized that holding on to the past and past promises are just not healthy. When I say let go of the relationship I dont mean forget that she exsisted in your life. You can keep the great memories because its a part of who you are and you take those parts and you apply them to the next GF you get. We are always evolving and you were not the same person as you were 2 years ago. You just want to delete the past 2 years and its just not going to happen my friend. You must accept that she was a part of your life and you have to smile and move on.

Letting go of her is okay. I have said several times that this girl is The One and I get upset and depressed and sure enough, I meet another "The One" and the cycle starts again. There is love out there for you, you can move forward, just need to put the past behind you. This is how you do it. 1. Delete everything that your X sent you. That means, texts, emails, messages on social media, voice mails. Anything that you have ever communicated with her must go. 2. Anything she ever gave you that sparks an emotion must go. That means any cards, notes, presents, anything that you listen, see, touch that makes your blood pressure rise because your X is attached to it, must go or you put it away. 3. Delete all pictures from your phone and delete her number too. Even if you have it memorized, you will forget it in time. 4. Stay busy. 5. Rely on friends 6. spoil yourself 7. eat even if you are not hungry and 8. Sleep.

I know all this is easier said than done, but it can be done. God or whatever power you believe in removed her from your life to make room for someone better. Believe in yourself and do what it takes to find that guy that attracted your X. He is there, just need to find him. You can do it.

[RomansEmpire]

I'm sorry your are hurting. I am a very similar place, 5 mo's out and depression is drowning me. I had to start working with a therapist. If you haven't found one yet, then please consider doing so. Depression does not always allow us to see the world for what it truly is and having a way to talk through those feelings and reorganize our thoughts is important. All of the comments about exercise are very true. I don't want to do anything but when I get in a good workout I feel more relaxed, happier, and free from the obsessive thoughts for a bit. Just force yourself to keep moving even when it hurts.

 

You may have to force everything for a while but you can do it. I love to fish and my ex and I would do that all the time. I don't want to go fishing this year but I am going to force myself to. I need to remember that I enjoyed this before our relationship and that it is still a part of who I am, with and without him. The memories will be there and it will hurt so much but I can't avoid that pain by not living my life.

 

Go out as much as you can. I know the house and the bed feel safe but they are toxic to trying to overcome the depression. I force myself to go out at least twice a week now; either alone or with friends. Sometimes I have a good time and actually catch myself genuinely laughing and other times I am so angry, resentful, or hurt at seeing everyone else be happy when I cannot. But it is all good and it is all helping me find my way again.

 

And all of those thoughts/memories are with me everywhere I go. I still cry most days and I still desperately want him back. But I know I will come through it because I have so many times before. You will come through this too. You will be okay again. You will feel whole again. Just don't surrender to the depression; you have to fight. And it is hard and it is exhausting at times but you are strong enough to recover and find love again.

[JoeyD2000]

So sorry you're in this place right now. I've been there too.

 

You sound similar to me the way you go back to the memories. I personally think it's good as you're processing the past. I don't believe in blocking it out & ignoring the pain.

 

I know you don't think you'll get out of this but YOU WILL! Depression says you won't, fact is it's only temporary!

 

I know this is easier to say n lots harder to do however make yourself even go for a walk even if you don't enjoy it. Don't sleep in. You are beating the depression by doing the opposite of what it wants!

 

Four months is relatively early days! You well eventually see the light & guess what? you will be happier than you were before.

 

Trust me on this one!

 

😊😊😊

[Wolly113]

Thank you for your kind words everyone, i know its me i have always held onto people for far too long, i once met a girl and spent a night with her on holiday just one night and i obsessed over her for about a month now that is crazy. and i have been through this heartbreak before about 5 years ago but it was easier as i was younger (18) and had my last school summer holiday to take my mind off of things, but i did hold on to the first one for many years infact 2 and a half until i met the most recent one that i am trying to get over now.

 

I have been to see a therapist but it really didn't help me, i found myself paying to go and sit with a lady and just rant about how much i loved this girl for 50 minutes and then realise i only had 10 minutes left to do anything productive. i have a lot of people around me that are supporting me, my friends and family have been wonderful i can't actually believe the way that they have supported me even my guy friends have been so good, i never thought id be crying on their shoulders and not feel judged, but no matter how many people i have around me i just feel so alone without her i have had a massive chunk ripped out from me. My sister is wonderful as well she has been far better than the therapist i went to see, and she's free!

 

I have been exercising, while in this relationship i put on a lot of weight, around September time i started to go to the gym, mainly as a pass time but i loved it, 20mins on the treadmill, do some weights and then go swimming. after the breakup i really struggled to eat and lost about a stone in a week, i was very concerned and decided to get a personal trainer. the problem is i am now on an exercise routine where i dont do any cardio only weights and i feel like im not getting the release that i use to get running on the treadmill, i am abit stuck whether to carry on with the personal trainer or go back to my old ways of just doing bits and bops but knackering myself with cardio. the problem is that i am still struggling to eat, not massively i dont feel sick anymore like i use to but i just feel guilty eating certain things and think that i cant and i dont even know what i like to eat anymore, thats how much this has effected me, i honestly dont know what to eat and i use to love food. i just feel lost with everything in my life.

 

The reason why im taking this so bad:

After my first breakup i still knew who i was i was still very confident but it did have a very serious effect on me, so much so that i remember telling myself that i was too damaged to love again and i was going to spend my life alone, now i know how crazy that must seem but i am (or use to be) someone who enjoys my time to myself. before i met this one i was very very happy on my own, i was not bothered about meeting anyone else, i never went on a date and i am not someone that chats up girls or messages them or anything like that, having a girlfriend didnt interest me in the slightest when i looked into my future i never saw it with anyone and that is honestly what i wanted. but then i met her and we just clicked spending time with her wasnt a chore, i loved it. when we first got together she always use to ask me how i hadn't already got a girlfriend and how i had spent over 2 years alone she couldn't quite believe it. But now that i know what life was like being with her its just horrible that she isnt here, the crazy thing is that we didnt live together, infact in the last few months of the relationship we only saw each-other every 2-3 weeks (she was busy with studies) but we did talk of the phone alot during the day. I am just struggling so much because without her i dont feel like i know who i am i just dont know what to do with myself, things i enjoyed i no longer enjoy, i hate the fact that i will have to go through it all again, find soemone i like and get them to love me etc, i never thought id have to and i honestly dont want to. i just loved her so much its untrue all i did when we were together was think about her all day anyway and now i am still doing the same but it hurts so much. i cannot stop thinking about her and everything reminds me of her EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING its just so painful.

 

and you are right, i have her on a pedestal, so high that i dont have a ladder big enough to get her down. i dont think that ill ever find anyone that i loved as much as her or someone as great as her. i just want to wake up next to her again and this all be a bad dream but i know i never will.

 

I just dont feel myself, with her i was 100% me and she never tried to change me in anyway, ive never had a relationship like that before, not even with any of my friends, where i could say and do exactly what i wanted without a filter. the thing is when we met i was very confident but now i just dont know how to get that confidence back in order to meet someone new, if i met someone now on a date or something i honestly wouldnt know what to say. i think back to my first date with her and i cant even imagine what we talked about i can remember how confident i was but i have no idea how to get that back again. i am also a very strange person with lots of quirks but now they have all gone i dont know what i like anymore, they died when we broke up, i am completely destroyed inside, without her i feel like nothing.

[No1]

Well, you said some important things there and if you go back and read them, you can see what your actual issues are. I know because I have been exactly where you are today. In fact years ago I wrote almost the exact same post. Here are some issues you have and yes your pain can be mended.

1. Fear!! That is your number 1 issue is fear. You were 100% with this girl and you fear that you might not find a girl like that again. You were real, you were yourself and you didnt have to hide or pretend you were something you were not. This girl accepted you for who you are faults and all and now you fear that there is no other girl in the world that will accept you.

Here is the counter argument for that: There is someone out there that will accept you for who you are 100%. But to find her, you are going to have to make yourself available to the possibility she is searching for you. But the fear is keeping you from stepping out. Its a vicious cycle. If you shudder yourself in, you wont find her and your fears will be real, but if you do go out then you fear that you wont find her and that will add hurt to it. So instead of living on the side of fear. Go to the side of optimism. Know she is out there, know you will find her and make yourself happy. You said before that you were happy when you met your X. So what makes you think you cant do it again? Which leads me to #2.

2. Defeated, tired, resigned and starting all over: It sucks when you have to think about the energy to get back to where you once were. You had climbed to the highest mountain peak only to be thrown off and you are back on the bottom. You want to be back up there but you dont want to think about the energy it took to get back up there. You have resigned before you have taken a step back up the hill. The desire is still there, I feel that you are walking around the mountain looking for an easier way up it, but its going to take the same amount of work and it sucks starting over. I think (now I could be way off) that you have given up because you fear if you work so hard at getting back up there, you wont find the same view. Look, if you work that hard, then the view is going to be great no matter what. Because the effort will worth it. If its worth earning, then its worth working for.

 

You know the saying "When you are going thru hell, you just keep going" and this is what you must do. Instead of walking around looking up the mountain of happiness, why dont you accept that this is what you must to and you just do it. Earn that guy that attracted your X and see whats at the top of the mountain. Maybe, the view will be better. You can do it..

[JoeyD2000]

 

and you are right, i have her on a pedestal, so high that i dont have a ladder big enough to get her down. i dont think that ill ever find anyone that i loved as much as her or someone as great as her. i just want to wake up next to her again and this all be a bad dream but i know i never will.

 

 

 

This is exactly what I thought!

 

How wrong I was. I couldn't even care what she is up to today. I hope she is happy. I know we were not meant to be. I am 100% cool with it.

 

Trust me on this one she will not stay on the pedestal & at least you know you are not the only one to feel what you are feeling right now

[kamurj]

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.