I found out she cheated on my own....

[scaredsilly]

Several years ago, my wife and I were having communication issues and she went to a party without me. She got drunk, ignored all of the signs and allowed another man to get close to her. She ended up pursuing him and cheating on me with him that night, doing everything.

 

A few days after she cheated on me, I found out about everything she had done, but not from her. I tried giving her opportunities throughout the years to bring it up to me, confront me about what she had done, but she never picked up on it. This caused trust and confidence issues within me towards her. For two years I lived with what she had done and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

Recently (in the last 6months) I confronted her about what I knew because it was eating away at me and I felt like we were living a lie together. When I asked her about it at first, she denied it and then more and more came out. I sat there and listened to HER STORY, knowing it was a lie and it hurt so bad that she did not have the confidence in me or know me enough to know I would listen to her and be sympathetic to her. She lied to me, hid details, detoured me away from the truth and did anything she could to not discuss it. She has since told me that it was only because of her shock, knowing she and the man only really knew what happened in her mind and she did not believe that I knew. However, I was telling her things that she did and supposidly only she knew, so why didnt she realize I knew the truth?

 

Regardless, I have been living with her and dealing with this for several years now and my heart has wanted to fix things but I dont see change. I think she has learned from all of this, but I was the one to bring it out, if I had not...would she have learned? I feel like I have wasted alot of my time on someone that has lied to me and betrayed me. I am hurt tremendously, dont trust her or have the confidence in her like I want and dont know what to do because I do love her a great deal. I know she is very sorry, but part of me wonders if its only because she got caught? I dont know what else she has done and I dont want to look over my shoulders at my wife the rest of my life.....

 

Has anyone got any advice? Similiar situations? Experiences?

[Cecelius]

At a baseline, you need to understand where you are emotionally and where you want to be (how you want the world to look). Getting there may require some professional assistance, and certainly if she is going to be a part of things, some marriage counselling.

 

In my view, cheating of any kind deserves exactly the kind of consideration that the cheater showed: none. Personally, I would decide whether it was even worth the strain of getting into these matters with her. I would probably just sit her down and tell her my intention was to walk away. There is little point to me in thinking of my wife in such a morally questionable way (to me, it isn't just the cheating, it's the skankiness of getting it on with a man so fast, like a dopey college girl with a long distance boy friend and a frat boy in front of her). Add to that that she didn't even have the decency to tell you and apparently assumed you'd put up with it, or that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you.

 

I'd never respect her, and certainly wouldn't bother trusting her ever again.

[SouthernSon]

Definitely agree here. You showed trust in her going to this party and she returned that trust in the manner you described. I could not put up with that but everyone handles these types of situations differently. If your heart continues to hurt, I think you already know the answer.

[DN]

If you were to have left her immediately this happened then I would support that. But you decided to stay, so you must have decided there was something worth staying for - I assume because you love her.

 

Frankly, I think your idea that she would confess several months or years after the event was and is unrealistic. She was probably regretful, wishes she hadn't done it but hoped she had got away with it. Not the best behaviour but a human reaction nonetheless.

 

Have you any evidence that she has cheated since? If not, and she seems genuinely remorseful, then maybe you should work on the marriage, try your best to forgive her and get past the betrayal as best you can.

 

Essentially, you have to decide if your life would be better with her or without her. If you decide with her, then you should make the best life you can with her, decide it was a mistake, and think about why you do love her rather than why you should not.

[scaredsilly]

I agree with all of you...its just hard.

 

It probably was unrealistic to expect her mind would tell her to come clean. But, at the time, I felt I was doing the right thing by sticking it out with the hopes that she cared enough about me to tell me and try and work on things. Now that I came to her and brought it all out, I am finding it hard to move on past it and look at her in the same way I once did. I love her to death yes, but I still have many trust and confidence issues with her. No, I do not have any proof that she did anything since, but I am not confident that even everything from that one night is out in the open. Maybe she did more with him than I know? Maybe not? Regardless, I have these feelings and dont know how to address them...

 

She SEEMS remorseful, she seems apologetic, she seems to have learned....but I look at her differently now. I always thought that if you married a person, that person was the one person that would never hurt you in that way....betrayal. I dont want to second guess my wifes motives, wonder if she is being honest and open with me, question my trust in her, etc....

 

I want my wife to be my best friend and I want to be able to count on her, as much as she can count on me.

[scaredsilly]

How do you forgive someone that has betrayed you like this? How do you look them in the eye and expect that they have the integrity to not do this again? How do you trust someone that you have given yourself to and that hasnt respected you in return?

[DN]

How do you forgive someone that has betrayed you like this? How do you look them in the eye and expect that they have the integrity to not do this again? How do you trust someone that you have given yourself to and that hasnt respected you in return?

 

Because you forgive them. And you forgive them because they are remorseful and they are human and make stupid mistakes when they are drunk. Because you love them and recognise their weaknesses as well as their strengths. Because you have so much invested emotionally with that person. Because you know that basically they are good but as capable of making a bad decision as you are. Because you are a kind person who does not want to inflict pain out of vengeance. Because you know that good can come out of bad and make us stronger.

[Cecelius]

To me, you can't forgive THAT kind of thing. Personally, I'd rather find out about drug abuse, thievery, murder, basically almost anything (mostly those are jokes but you get the point).

 

But to me, there's nothing that makes a girl (and I assume its the same for women when their men cheat) look easier, cheaper than that kind of cheating (I'd rather find out she just fell in love with the guy). And easy (as in pathetic, needy, etc.), while of course you can have sympathy for them and feel their pain, it's just really unattractive. Add to that that she's introduced another guy into the mix -- she really can't be on your team anymore after she's given access to another guy. Where would your pride be? Will she ever be safe to turn your back on?

 

I'd also point out that trying to get answers from her may be questionable. After all, she did this to you, why would her explanations fix it.

 

BUT, the most important thing is that you are a man. As a man, you get to decide what the world looks like and who gets to be in it. You get to decide whether to go on with her or without her. I'd talk to a pro about it and they will help you answer your own questions.

[scaredsilly]

Thats how I feel, I know I sound like I am controdicting what I am saying....I have so many emotions.

 

I dont feel it is acceptable and I dont feel it is forgiveable. I guess I have stuck it out, hoping that something will help me clear it all up and forgive her but deep down I know TO ME its not forgivable.

 

She married me FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE right? Well, to top this, she had a low point in her life and I stuck it out with her supporting her and loving her unconditionally. This all happened when I was going through a low point in my life...which makes it harder. I feel like she gave up on me and when the going got tough, she bailed.

 

I know she is a good person deep down, but I have been really hurt throughout this. I dont know if she just wanted to forget about it, what I didnt know didnt hurt me (even though I knew all along), if she was doing more than I know, etc...its really hard. Part of me wants to TRY and forgive her, because she has learned and things could get better.....but the other part of me wants to say you had your chance (one chance) to be married to me AND be faithful now I need to move on and find someone that will respect me and hold our relationship sacred.

 

Since the beginning of our marriage, she has known how high I hold trust and loyalty. Thats what hurts so much, the hardest thing I ever had to do was look her in the eye and hear some of the stories she told me....knowing what the truth was.

 

Also, in regard to her actions....I dont understand it.

How can someone meet a stranger, after being married and in a relationship for years with someone and attain feelings for them in such a short period of time and be with them physically? I dont understand and because of that, it hurts so much more...

 

I agree, her answers may be questionable, but for ME....I wanted to know what happened and to what extent. I guess it was about knowing exactly what they shared and to what extent I was violated. It did not fix it though....

[scaredsilly]

One thing to add....this has been a BIG hangup for me.

Not only was she with this guy physically, but she did everything and did NOT use protection.

 

As I said, I found about everything on my own....

When I confronted her about everything and asked, she did not admit to everything and denied what she had done physically. She played dumb at to what "cheating" was and how far she had gone, but in reality she put me at a HUGE risk not only physically but emotionally because I had to find out through other people other than her.

 

I guess I look at it like, how could she have done this to me, betrayal is the worst to me. Let alone have her wedding ring on that night and not see any of the signs to get out of there and protect us, putting me at risk physically. To me, she never loved me like she said...

[apollocreed71]

You can forgive, but honestly will you ever forget, and how much trust do you have in her now. Cannot blame the alcohol, because she put herfself in that position. How about diesease, etc., too many variables. If you can live with the pain, thats you. You need to get some counseling, or something.

[Cecelius]

One thing to add....this has been a BIG hangup for me.

Not only was she with this guy physically, but she did everything and did NOT use protection.

...

 

For this one alone, I'd toss her. How soon after he was done with her did you get intimate with her? Gross.

 

If you can put a damper on your thoughts like this, I would. It won't make it better.

[DN]

If you want to leave her, then go ahead. But, in that case, I don't understand why you have stayed around all these years since this happened. Is the idea of sex with her worse now than when you first found out, just because you finally told her you knew?

[scaredsilly]

Thats just it...thats what gave it away and made me look into it. Up until then, she was for the most part, very responsible. That night, she didnt come home, she stayed at her parents 30min away and never called me.

 

When she came home, she was acting very different....

She and I were intimate the next day and she seemed very preoccupied and that bothered me and made me wonder.

 

Once I found out everything, I was disgusted and didnt want to be near her. I tried hard to act normal, drop hints and open doors to allow her to talk to me and communicate about what happened but that never happened. It took years of me holding resentment before I told her what I knew and as I mentioned she denied most of it until she finally realized just how real I was being with her and what I knew.

 

She claims she was scared of losing me, thats why she lied, but if she was really scared wouldnt she have seen the signs that night and left? When he tried kissing her, wouldnt she have left? Wasnt her ring a reminder of me? I went over and over all the signs and cannot understand why she let it happen and why she ignored all of the signs that seemed to obvious.

[scaredsilly]

I guess even though I knew what happened....I wanted to believe she didnt do that to me and to us.

 

Yes, sexually, I have a hard time with her....I am not into it like I used to be with her because I find myself thinking about what she shared with another man.

[Cecelius]

I would go see a pro who can help you calm or answer the important questions in your own mind. I do not think that you can get absolute understanding from posts on the internet (though people are here to read and attempt), and I do NOT think you can get much of any answers from your wife, since she did it and lied about it.

 

I see that you are at the back end of a betrayal that most men would immediately end their relationships over- that happens to be my policy, but I am not you. Add to that, you've been containing this for years.

 

I'd stop talking to her about it, since frankly she's going to talk emotions and how she didn't want to lose what the two of you had. My view happens to be that what two people have is the sum total of all their actions toward each other, not some nebulous body of feelings, and that letting another guy do that to you erases everything that happened before it, and possibly after it. But YOU and only you get to decide that.