Ex refuses to work it out, continues to write.. WHY?

[misst0ast]

Ok, I'm sick of stewing lol. I've been reading the boards for a couple of days, but haven't came accross anything that was close to my situation.

 

My boyfriend of two years left in January. Without warning he moved back accross the country. He told no one of his plans.. no family or friends.. no one knew.

 

D-Day- I returned from dropping my 4 year old off at preschool and found him packing up all his stuff. He said he was leaving. I asked him if he would ever come back, and he said "maybe"... then it changed to "never". I begged and pleaded (imagine that!) to no avail. We hugged and kissed and exchanged many "I love you's"... so he left. I've never been so upset... but somehow I trusted him, that he was doing the right thing. He's very level headed.

 

Why he left- he told me he was being selfish and wanted his freedom, wanted no responsibility. The main reason however- I was completely unaware of myself, my clinginess, manipulation and neediness. I sensed us drifting apart a bit before Christmas so I clung tighter. I was notorious for throwing a fit when he would want to go "hang with the guys", or mentioned visiting California, where he's from. I was always afraid he would visit home and not want to come back to be with us... A million ridiculous things! The scary part was that I didn't even realize what I was doing?! Not all the time mind you... but for the most part.

 

But my eyes opened up real quick as to the way I was, so I began emailing him. I wrote him about recognizing what I did wrong and that I understood why he left. In writing him I pretty much told him that I will correct my ways and that I loved him... I told him I hoped for a reconcilliation someday.

 

At the end of Feb I flat out asked him if there was any hope for us and he said no way. No on the grounds that he couldn't be happy with us, was being selfish and because of my former ways... He said that I needed to move on and get over him. That he was sorry, he didn't realize he was giving me mixed messages.

 

So I stopped writing for a while... then he emailed telling me that he would be sending part of his tax return to us and requested that I reply so he would know I got his email. Three days later I told him thanks for letting me know.

 

A few days later I wrote and requested that he change his sig (for one of the forums he used to post on) which said something about "my four year old"... anyhow, he claimed my daughter as his own and it bugged me that it was still there. He hadn't been on the forum for a long time and forgot it was there... so he changed it and apologized... I thanked him for taking care of that.

 

So over the course of last month we wrote back and forth about what happened. I agreed with him on the problems, his reasons for leaving, how he left to minimize the hurt, etc...

 

I told him that I was finding it hard to forgive him as my daughter is still grieving his loss. He responded that she was why he left, like the longer he stayed around the more pain it would cause her if he left. He said that the reason we would never have another chance- Having him leave, then come back just to possibly leave again?

 

I told him that was why I wouldn't allow him to come back without a lot of work on both our parts.

 

We forgave each other and he told me that he just wants us to "be happy". I told him we wanted the same for him.

 

Then, he says it just "hit him" that I did indeed understand where he was coming from. That I really did understand him and that it really makes him feel better.

 

He said that he was surprised that I really have been changing my ways and that I really did have a positive outlook.

 

At first I felt like I had to prove it to him... but as time went on me bettering myself became for me and my girl. I'm proud to say that i've done a hellofa job too.

 

I don't know how he's been doing exactly... haven't bothered to ask. From the little bits he writes I know he's finding the grass isn't greener.. or not as green as he thought it would be.

 

He's been reading my online journal. I haven't mentioned him hardly at all... but in re-reading it I have made a huge amount of progress. I'm being myself again, and I'm pretty happy.

 

I no longer feel the need to convince him that I'm a great girl and I deserve a great guy. I'm moving on.

 

He, on the other hand, continues to write every couple of days.. to tell me that his roommate was friggin filthy and for all the heck he gave me about being a clutterbug at least we didn't have to throw away dishes that crawled (retch). I told him I was sorry it didn't work out with his roomie.

 

Then I get a picture of a cute kitten inside a beer glass that he felt the "need to share".. I thanked him.

 

Two days later he wrote to inform me that he accidentally had my Maximum PC subscription forwarded to him (HOW DARE HE?!) and that he corrected the address. He said he'd mail the 2 issues he got and some cds he accidentally took with him "when he got around to it".

 

Next day he wrote, asking where his modem was... when he took his computer he forgot that I took the modem out. His new place didn't have dsl and he didn't sound too happy with me.

 

Regarding the magazine and the modem, I didn't respond for three days. When I did, I thanked him for taking care of my reading material and told him that i've been busy, but if he still wants his modem i'll mail it. He responded with a "thanks, but it's taken care of". He didn't sound too thrilled...

 

Anyhow, part of me still wants him back... the other part wants to FINALLY move on. Him continuing to write though... it hurts. Whether it's just friendly bs or with a purpose it hurts. It's getting my hopes up again...

 

He's a good guy, was really good to my daughter and myself. He knows I'm grateful for all he gave us, he's grateful for all we gave him. We have mutual respect for each other... but I still have feelings for him and I'm pretty stinking sure he does for me too... I know he still cares.

 

I want to know why he writes... if he has any regrets... I love it when he writes, but I deserve more than "friends"...but I don't want to corner him.

 

I know that I can and will find a great guy again either way... I just can't decide if he's worth it. He didn't think I could change for the better, but I did.

 

Should I tell him to get lost and stop writing?

 

Should I respond at all? Demand some answers?

 

I'm just wondering if I do have a chance or if I'm some sort of safety net or something... otherwise, my life is going pretty good

 

What a long post.. pretty sure I covered most of it.

[jaiva]

I believe that you only tried to make a change so that you could get him back. I think that you need to stay away from him as much as possible. Don't try to ask if there will ever be a relationship with the two of you again because it will only drive him away more. Continue to better yourself but make sure that your motives are right. you dont' have to tell him to stop giving you contact but it would be better for you if you didn't really read the emails because you won't try to have contact or a relationship if you aren't constantly talking with him. If you are meant to be you will be together when you aren't expecting to be together.

 

Hope I helped!

 

Jaiva

[misst0ast]

Hi, thanks for replying.

 

Initially, yes, I did make the changes for him. Didn't take long to realize I needed to make them for myself... and I have. I continue to do so.

 

lol I agree with you on the "If you are meant to be you will be together when you aren't expecting to be together."

 

I gave up trying to find love, and that's when I met him.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I think you should continue to look out for you and your girl. Make your own progress toward self-confidence and do it for you.

 

You speak about the changes you have made, but has he made any? It took two to make and then break this relationship. I think until you see something concrete, or he makes a declaration to you about this feelings, regret, etc, you should not put too much money in that bank.

 

Move on, you're broken up, sometimes keeping contact works against us not in favor. Limit contact if it hurts you... trust me if he wants you back he will find a way . He already knows you are the great girl you were before--so what's stopping him?

 

Don't wait for him girl. Have fun !

[misst0ast]

You speak about the changes you have made, but has he made any? It took two to make and then break this relationship.

 

^^I have yet to figure out the whole "quote" thing

 

I was just pondering that very question, whether he's made any changes... The only noticeable one atm is that he's being a man, rather than pandering to my every idiotic whim like when we were together.

 

Sux too... I'm finding it very attractive.

 

It seems like the more I understand what happened and the more I understand him as a person... the closer I feel to him.

 

On another note I'm kind of reluctant to mention (in my blog) the fellow dumpee I will go on a date with next weekend...

 

Meh, this is just confusing

[heloladies21]

I would ignore him and any conact he makes. He should hopefully get the hint. If he's persistent (more than a couple weeks), then I'd let him know to stop contacting me.

[Mun]

The only noticeable one atm is that he's being a man, rather than pandering to my every idiotic whim like when we were together.

 

Sux too... I'm finding it very attractive.

 

It seems like the more I understand what happened and the more I understand him as a person... the closer I feel to him.

 

 

I soooo understand this. More than likely when you were together you were caught up in your emotions and all the drama of the relationship... now that you have both stepped back you cannot help but be more relaxed and maybe even fun/funny with each other... and it's attractive. Hey, you loved him, there was a reason why.

 

I would mention the dating in the blog.. no details though. If he broke up and ran away, why not show that you can get on with your life and that there are other men out there that want you?

[misst0ast]

I posted about the dating... I have a feeling he'll have something to say about it. If not, I'm not gonna sweat it.

 

I've been reading all the stuff about getting them back lol. I'm surprised at how much of that I've been doing without realizing it.

 

99% of me is over him, I accept the fact that he isn't going to return...

 

Then theres the 1%... don't think about it very often, but when I do that last percent knows he will be back someday. No wishes, or hopes... it just knows. Odd stuff.

 

In the end though, him leaving turned out to be only the beginning of my worries lol. My daughter lost an aunt that was very close to her, is about to lose her grandmother to terminal cancer (both losses on her daddy's side) and her daddy... man, the second my boyfriend split he was in for the kill. Telling our daughter that we were going to get back together and stuff... I told him NO WAY!

 

One thing I do have is awesome family and friends. If it weren't for their support I wouldn't be nearly as far along as I am right now...

 

I think the most important lesson I learned is in appreciation and taking people for granted.. and I will do my best to never let it happen again.

 

It hasn't been easy but at the same time I can honestly say that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

 

Thanks again for the replies!