Perfect relationship except for the age diff

[Aw615]

Thank you for the emotional support, I appreciate it.

Also, I find it unlikely that a man would be berated in a relationship advice forum.

[Goten]

To be honest, I think if you loved him as much as you claim, age wouldn't be an issue.

[Krankor]

I tend to agree with the others who are saying that something else must have been missing. Women don't break up with men who they are head over heels in love with. My theory: you weren't fully "feeling it" but since the man never did anything wrong, the age difference was the one thing you could latch onto as an "excuse" to break up with him.

 

If I'm wrong, then go get this man back. Today.

[fawkeskc]

Hi Aw615,

 

I wanted to share a different perspective, just in case it helps.

 

I'm wondering if you shouldn't fight for this guy. And what I mean by that is find a counsellor/psychologist you're comfortable with and ask them to help you determine where these feelings about the age difference come from.

 

Something sounds like it's holding you back from​ knowing if you really want to be with this guy for the rest of your life.

 

It could be that 'you're​ just really not that into him', but it could also be your mind sort of hiding something from you. And the reason you've been thinking that he could die before you could just be your brain trying to give you some extra proof, just not necessarily the true reason.

 

I would say that this guy and your relationship is worth finding out more about why you feel strongly enough about the age difference to have ended the relationship.

 

Sometimes we get scared of the really good things we have and need to find a way to get away from them.

 

And then sometimes we have good reasons.

 

Finding a professional in human behaviour and the processes behind thoughts and feelings is important for making this kind of decision.

 

Either way you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life. It would be good to know more about yourself too.

 

I wish you the very best in your search for support and introspection.

[Dominique]

If you are not feeling it for whatever reason, you did the right thing being honest and not stringing him along. Your reasons are your reasons. It doesn't matter if you broke up because you could never marry a guy with brown hair or whatever.

 

I agree. If it's not right for you, it doesn't matter what other people think.

 

My father told me when I was a kid ...advice on dating ... "If you have to ask someone else, the real answer in our heart is no." I have to tell you, he said that to me when I was 14... I'm 36 now. He was right. Everytime I have had to ask someone else for relationship advice "stay or go", "is he right or wrong"? The answer was always "go", "wrong", "no".

 

Not ONE TIME in my life has that not been true. It always panned out over time to show me my gut feeling was right. No matter what other's opinions were.

 

When something is right for you, you know. There isn't a person in the world who could convince you otherwise.

[ImYoPusher]

I tend to agree with the others who are saying that something else must have been missing. Women don't break up with men who they are head over heels in love with. My theory: you weren't fully "feeling it" but since the man never did anything wrong, the age difference was the one thing you could latch onto as an "excuse" to break up with him.

 

If I'm wrong, then go get this man back. Today.

 

I don't think this is necessarily true. I'm in an age gap relationship and I'm 21 years older than him. Sometimes this feeling of fear just grabs onto you and you panic. In every other way except the age difference, the relationship is perfect. We love and accept each other like no body's business but the fear creeps in. We've been together three years pretty much every single day. Sometimes I think about breaking up with him because it can't possibly go on forever.......he will want someone younger.....eventually.

[Krankor]

I don't think this is necessarily true. I'm in an age gap relationship and I'm 21 years older than him. Sometimes this feeling of fear just grabs onto you and you panic. In every other way except the age difference, the relationship is perfect. We love and accept each other like no body's business but the fear creeps in. We've been together three years pretty much every single day. Sometimes I think about breaking up with him because it can't possibly go on forever.......he will want someone younger.....eventually.

It's funny...I was just listening to a podcast by an evolutionary psychologist and he was talking about this very thing--not in the context of age gaps, but just in general; the whole "dump him/her before they dump me" thing. According to him, what you are really afraid of is losing esteem within the tribe, so your brain has adapted this strategy as a way to protect yourself. However, people usually only do this when the other party is sending strong signals that they are considering defecting. So far, it sounds as if you are just assuming that the age difference will eventually do you in. Maybe it will--I won't sugarcoat it. But maybe it won't. There are no guarantees out there; you could be dating someone your own age and he could decide to dump you for someone else. Why not just be in the moment and then cross that bridge IF you come to it?