leseine7 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Having a horrific day and I just really need to put this somewhere, so forgive the emotional level. I chose to move here to Europe 2 years ago this June after I had some awful times in NYC. I took an opportunity to perform/ sing and I went for it, after I was laid off from my job at a huge Music company I worked at for four years in NYC. I also, at the time, had acquired roommates who were nightmares, had been dating guys who were all wrong for me and pretty much had run myself into the ground from negative thinking. I thought, once my company did layoffs and I was cut and given severance and a bonus that lasted me nearly a year once I moved to Europe, that I could start over and give myself a clean slate. I had no expectations of perfection but I was sure I needed this and that it would go better. In many ways, it has been the best decision I ever made. I have a boyfriend who is out of this world wonderful to me. I now have a visa that allows me to perform and work for the next five years. I'm taking Dutch courses and excelling in the language. I recently performed with an opera company into the end of their 2016 season and was still getting paid for it last month. But in recent months I've been hunting for jobs again and some old issues started to haunt me. I got rejected from a few positions for reasons I still don't quite understand. I feel like even just getting interviews for interim positions is becoming a huge feat. I had an audition Friday for the opera company for the next two seasons and even though they were complimentary to me, I left feeling unbearably depressed and as if I had failed. My energy was off. I sang well, but I knew I wasn't 100% present and in the opera world, those ten minute auditions can mean the beginning or end of your career. Over the weekend, I felt like I couldn't stop the cycle of thoughts. I felt like my boyfriend must be questioning my appeal now because I am struggling to find a new gig. I felt bad about myself. I felt ugly and financially worthless. I couldn't communicate properly. I kept thinking back on the past year and seeing all the things I did wrong. Last night, I was trying to be open about my insecurities with my boyfriend, and instead it somehow triggered a negative conversation veering towards a fight. I thought he was saying he feels like he has doubts about me, and I shut down. It was not a good night. Then in the end he confessed he has been planning to propose to me soon, and was attempting to find a way to communicate with my parents about it before he did (we are in Europe, they're back in the States.) I am sure I want to marry him, and I feel like I completely ruined something that should have been a good surprise and time for him. All day today, I can't understand why he would even still want to be with me. He says nothing has changed and we are okay and he's happy, but I just keep thinking he's crazy to want to be with me now and it is bringing me down. Then today, I found out that my Mom is in the hospital after collapsing last night with what looked like potential heart-attack signals. Now I'm searching for flights home just in case. I talked to her and she sounds okay and everyone says it is just precaution that they are keeping her in the hospital to be monitored, but Im sitting here feeling like the worst could happen to someone in my family, and I'm way over here in Europe and cannot help the way I normally would in a heartbeat. Overall, I'm feeling extremely helpless and afraid that my life could have the same cycle it had when I was in NYC. I know that it is an unhealthy way of thinking. I know everything is going to be okay (I hope it at least), but I'm in a hole today and need to see some light. Does anyone out there feel like they create bad luck just by.. FEELING bad for a few days? I do not want that kind of power. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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