Feeling Like I Ruin My Own Life.

[leseine7]

Having a horrific day and I just really need to put this somewhere, so forgive the emotional level.

 

I chose to move here to Europe 2 years ago this June after I had some awful times in NYC. I took an opportunity to perform/ sing and I went for it, after I was laid off from my job at a huge Music company I worked at for four years in NYC. I also, at the time, had acquired roommates who were nightmares, had been dating guys who were all wrong for me and pretty much had run myself into the ground from negative thinking. I thought, once my company did layoffs and I was cut and given severance and a bonus that lasted me nearly a year once I moved to Europe, that I could start over and give myself a clean slate. I had no expectations of perfection but I was sure I needed this and that it would go better.

 

In many ways, it has been the best decision I ever made. I have a boyfriend who is out of this world wonderful to me. I now have a visa that allows me to perform and work for the next five years. I'm taking Dutch courses and excelling in the language. I recently performed with an opera company into the end of their 2016 season and was still getting paid for it last month.

 

But in recent months I've been hunting for jobs again and some old issues started to haunt me. I got rejected from a few positions for reasons I still don't quite understand. I feel like even just getting interviews for interim positions is becoming a huge feat. I had an audition Friday for the opera company for the next two seasons and even though they were complimentary to me, I left feeling unbearably depressed and as if I had failed. My energy was off. I sang well, but I knew I wasn't 100% present and in the opera world, those ten minute auditions can mean the beginning or end of your career.

 

Over the weekend, I felt like I couldn't stop the cycle of thoughts. I felt like my boyfriend must be questioning my appeal now because I am struggling to find a new gig. I felt bad about myself. I felt ugly and financially worthless. I couldn't communicate properly. I kept thinking back on the past year and seeing all the things I did wrong.

 

Last night, I was trying to be open about my insecurities with my boyfriend, and instead it somehow triggered a negative conversation veering towards a fight. I thought he was saying he feels like he has doubts about me, and I shut down. It was not a good night. Then in the end he confessed he has been planning to propose to me soon, and was attempting to find a way to communicate with my parents about it before he did (we are in Europe, they're back in the States.) I am sure I want to marry him, and I feel like I completely ruined something that should have been a good surprise and time for him. All day today, I can't understand why he would even still want to be with me. He says nothing has changed and we are okay and he's happy, but I just keep thinking he's crazy to want to be with me now and it is bringing me down.

 

Then today, I found out that my Mom is in the hospital after collapsing last night with what looked like potential heart-attack signals. Now I'm searching for flights home just in case. I talked to her and she sounds okay and everyone says it is just precaution that they are keeping her in the hospital to be monitored, but Im sitting here feeling like the worst could happen to someone in my family, and I'm way over here in Europe and cannot help the way I normally would in a heartbeat.

 

Overall, I'm feeling extremely helpless and afraid that my life could have the same cycle it had when I was in NYC. I know that it is an unhealthy way of thinking. I know everything is going to be okay (I hope it at least), but I'm in a hole today and need to see some light. Does anyone out there feel like they create bad luck just by.. FEELING bad for a few days? I do not want that kind of power.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Yes, I feel you. I don't mean to be condescending At All with this next part - breathe. Close your eyes, listen to the sounds around you, and just breathe for about 1-2 minutes. Every time you start heading down Negativity Path, just breathe. Get your bearings.

 

It's shocking how helpful that is. To me, anyway. I hope you get the same effect.

 

And yes, I believe that what we think and visualize becomes reality more often than not. Do you remember when you first learned to drive a car or ride a bike? We found out pretty fast that we naturally steered in the same direction we were looking. If you looked to the right, the bike or car would follow. It took a bit of training to frequently look ahead so the bike or car went that way.

 

I believe our thoughts run the same way. If we think we will fail, that's where we steer ourselves. If we think we will succeed, that's where we steer ourselves.

 

I also believe we shouldn't define ourselves by the bike or car we have - in your situation here, don't judge yourself harshly by the interviews you get, the job you have or don't have. Surely there is more to you than that. We can make mistakes, flub things, not get the dream job right when we want it, and still be a happy, good person.

 

I'm trying to say we are what we think we are. And everyone views the world differently. Using the infamous half glass of water....is it half full? Is it half empty? Is it water in a glass and let's put it to good use, not caring how full or empty it is?

 

You choose how you want to view your recent experiences. I'm beginning to ramble now, but I hope this makes some sense.

[Matt3939]

No one creates bad luck cause it doesn't exist. Sounds like stress is making you hyper sensative to circumstances. You did what you said you would do. Keep doing it you sound like you are in a better place over all for doing so. I understand the helpless feeling being away from home. Family things have come up for me from time to time. You are only a day or 2 away.

[Jinsky]

It's okay to feel bad at times. But I think it's not okay to continuously beat yourselves.

Sometimes experience is just is. Not good, not bad, just is. And often doesn't make sense until later. To get frustrated may be a sign that you are conflicted because one side is personally attacking yourself, while other side is keeping faith on the image of your true self. Perhaps this is a process to get to know yourself.

 

Don't continuously attack yourself.

Let's remember your why and purpose. Let's not ask why he can love someone like this right now. Instead, ask yourself do I love him? And how can I love him and myself better? Guess what, you are the lucky girl this lucky man loves out of billions in the world!

 

Dance like a fool, run until your crowded mind is too tired to even think. Too many voices right now. Get a good night sleep, beautiful. It will help.

[leseine7]

Thanks to all of you. I was so stressed yesterday that I knew I needed to put the crazy down here and let it go, and I actually did. I wrote it all out here (Reading it back I sound melodramatic as H$*&. ) Then I left to go to my Dutch class across town and I stopped thinking about things. When I got home, my boyfriend had made us dinner, reminded me that nothing has changed and everything is fine. I'm not really worried, but Im conditioned to worry and that's something I am working hard to deal with.

 

My mother is in a cardiac wing - it was a cardiac event, but not a heart attack. The doctors think it is a small abnormality in her heart that most likely has been there for awhile, and probably was the same thing that killed my cousin a few years back while he was running outside one day. (They never got an official cause of death, and I have written to this forum a lot trying to deal with that). He was her nephew, so it's likely genetic in our family. She was in better spirits last night and if she's in the hospital for more than a day or two, I'll fly home to help.

 

The advice to breathe is amazing. I know that helps, but it always seems lame when I'm down the rabbit hole. Im taking this morning to do menial things (clean, organise), and breathe and probably go for a run. It's nice to know it does not have to mean the end of the world.

 

Love you all, truly. Thank you.

[Hell_On_Heels]

So glad you are feeling better, and hoping that your mom will have a full recovery. Your BF sounds like a good guy