He's less attracted to me...

[psot2]

I've been very clingy with my boyfriend in the past, demanding more from him, questioning him when he did things which I perceived as wrong (not sending me texts on time etc, questioning where he was), even breaking up with him due to things that were going on in my head and then getting back together.

 

This went on for a few months, and I felt his interest slipping, so I asked him how he felt.

 

He said he was still attracted to me physically and emotionally, but not mentally.

 

I stopped taking the pill after stipulating that it might have been causing me to act more emotionally than I otherwise would. I was right, and my relationship anxiety reduced quite a bit.

 

The problem is that I feel he still doesn't see me the same way as he did before... the strong independent and smart woman he originally saw me as. He now sees me as dependent and a chore, and I'm scared that he always will.

 

Do you think it's possible for him to regain his attraction to me over time? I know he loves me, but I don't think that it'll be enough for me in the long term if I don't regularly feel affection from him in the long term...

[MissCanuck]

How long have you been together, and how long ago did he tell you he's lost interest in you?

 

It might be possible to recover from this, but only if he wants to as well. You've done your part in identifying where you were going wrong and trying to correct it; the rest is up to him, really.

 

I'm a woman too, but I dated a man who was clingy and insecure. It drove me insane, and I eventually lost interest in the way your boyfriend described. For me personally, there was no turning back the clock as the damage had been done. Even though he eventually tried to chill the eff out, I couldn't manufacture the feelings I no longer had. I had previously told him - on several occasions - that he needed to knock it off with clinginess and demanding attitude, and he didn't. The result was that while I cared about him and still looked as him as an attractive man, I personally wasn't attracted anymore.

 

I would give it some more time to see if he does warm back up. He might, if he sees that the changes really are sincere and sustained. But if you sense he's not coming around, you might need to call it a day and let each other go.

 

In the meantime, I would also do some work in figuring out what drove you to feel so insecure. The pill isn't the reason. Sure, it might contribute to you feeling more emotional but it doesn't create insecurity in and of itself. Dig deep and get to the bottom of that, so that you can work on some better coping mechanisms when you're feeling anxious. Had he ever given you a valid reason not to trust him?

[psot2]

How long have you been together, and how long ago did he tell you he's lost interest in you?

 

We've been together since July, and he told me that a few months ago. He still maintains it if I ask, but he insists he wants it to work and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

I'm a woman too, but I dated a man who was clingy and insecure. It drove me insane, and I eventually lost interest in the way your boyfriend described. For me personally, there was no turning back the clock as the damage had been done. Even though he eventually tried to chill the eff out, I couldn't manufacture the feelings I no longer had.

 

How long did you stay with him after his behaviour changed?

 

Could it be possible that you felt that his behaviour changed for your sake, but that he was still the same inside?

 

In the meantime, I would also do some work in figuring out what drove you to feel so insecure. The pill isn't the reason. Sure, it might contribute to you feeling more emotional but it doesn't create insecurity in and of itself. Dig deep and get to the bottom of that, so that you can work on some better coping mechanisms when you're feeling anxious. Had he ever given you a valid reason not to trust him?

 

No, he never gave me a reason not to trust him, but I've been cheated on in the past and had a few other betrayals by people very close to me. We're also long distance at the moment, which makes it worse.

 

I think you're right that the cause of my insecurities isn't the pill, but that it was exacerbating it.

[MissCanuck]

We've been together since July, and he told me that a few months ago. He still maintains it if I ask, but he insists he wants it to work and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

 

 

How long did you stay with him after his behaviour changed?

 

Could it be possible that you felt that his behaviour changed for your sake, but that he was still the same inside?

 

 

No, he never gave me a reason not to trust him, but I've been cheated on in the past and had a few other betrayals by people very close to me. We're also long distance at the moment, which makes it worse.

 

I think you're right that the cause of my insecurities isn't the pill, but that it was exacerbating it.

 

I gave it a couple months.

 

I strongly suspected this is who he was and not something that could fundamentally change. I kept an open mind, but like I said, I'd already reached the point that I no longer felt it for him. So even if those changes were genuine, it was too little too late, in my case. It just wasn't fair to keep it going when I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore.

 

Oddly enough, I'd also been betrayed before I met this particular ex. So one would think the insecurity would be the other way around. But it wasn't. The relationship with this ex became tedious, to be honest. I was very tired of always having to answer to him, never feeling like I could make him happy, walking around on eggshells wondering what would happen if I were busy or working and really couldn't reply to him in what he deemed a timely manner. It wasn't fun anymore.

 

If your boyfriend told you this a few months ago, and he says he wants to work on it, what is making you question his feelings now?

[psot2]

I gave it a couple months.

 

I strongly suspected this is who he was and not something that could fundamentally change. I kept an open mind, but like I said, I'd already reached the point that I no longer felt it for him. So even if those changes were genuine, it was too little too late, in my case. It just wasn't fair to keep it going when I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore.

 

Oddly enough, I'd also been betrayed before I met this particular ex. So one would think the insecurity would be the other way around. But it wasn't. The relationship with this ex became tedious, to be honest. I was very tired of always having to answer to him, never feeling like I could make him happy, walking around on eggshells wondering what would happen if I were busy or working and really couldn't reply to him in what he deemed a timely manner. It wasn't fun anymore.

 

If your boyfriend told you this a few months ago, and he says he wants to work on it, what is making you question his feelings now?

 

I'm not questioning that he wants to make it work, but I'm questioning whether he could make it work AND make me feel wanted. He knows I'm a good person, smart, and would make a great mother in the future, which is why I think he wants to stay with me despite his diminishing attraction.

 

He tries not to show me that he's rather spend time alone than with me, but I can sense that it takes work for him. I'm scared that I'll always feel unwanted if I stay with him, it's something that I feel could eat away at my confidence over time because I do know that I'm very desirable/attractive and I don't deserve to be treated like I'm not good enough, even if that type of treatment is unintentional.

[MissCanuck]

What is making you feel unwanted currently, exactly?

 

Is he less affectionate? Does he want more time alone? Also, how much alone time vs "together" time do you generally desire? It might come down to some fundamental incompatibilities. Some people are naturally more affectionate and open, while others are more reserved.

 

In my case, I like a lot of personal space in a relationship but I have also lived with exes who had no problem doing their own things while I did mine. The clingy ex I described in this thread would become insecure if I wanted to spend some time with friends, or even just a couple evenings a week at home unwinding, instead of with him. I could sense it triggered him because he'd start getting upset if I didn't text back "promptly", he'd ask where I was or who I'd been with. He'd get moody when I had other plans, like a dinner out with my friends. I had nothing to hide so I was open about my activities but I started to feel like he was my dad instead of my boyfriend. Very unattractive.

 

Can you be more specific about your clingy behaviour? For example, how would you react if he didn't text back soon enough? (and what do you feel would be an inappropriate response time?) Why exactly did you break up with him before?

 

I realized I've asked a lot of questions! But your responses might paint a clearer picture of what the relationship was/is like, and where his mind is at right now.

[psot2]

I think I'm a bit similar to your ex, but I don't think it's because your ex or I need to spend more time with our SOs... it's because we need reassurance in order to feel secure. He sounds a bit worse than me though, because I never quizzed him about where he was or when or asked him where he was.

 

It's just that me and my boyfriend used to spend a lot of time talking to each other, which means that he has the capacity to do it. I even thought we should stop talking as much as we did because it became a bit too much, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him "no" when we clearly could spend time together instead... so when he stopped, I then felt insecure because I thought there was a reason for him stopping, even though it was a gradual decline.

 

I do think that it's simply a case of me being taken for granted by my boyfriend sometimes... which happens naturally in any relationship. My problem is that I'm naturally oversensitive to it and overreact instead of letting it pass/getting on with life.

[Wiseman2]

When is the last time you went to the US to see him? It's only been 6 mos so things are new. Try not to be clingy, possessive, interrogate him, etc. Also threatening breakups doesn't force anyone's hand it just weakens the relationship.

 

What did he mean by this? said he was still attracted to me physically and emotionally, but not mentally.

[psot2]

When is the last time you went to the US to see him? It's only been 6 mos so things are new. Try not to be clingy, possessive, interrogate him, etc. Also threatening breakups doesn't force anyone's hand it just weakens the relationship.

 

 

I went there on Christmas. I've been changing my tune as of late, but I find that it's ok to talk about what's bothering me as long as I'm not overly emotional because he does listen and try his best. I just need to not be overbearing and to not have to rely on him for my happiness (I have many difficulties in life at the moment though, so at times it can be difficult especially when he's a very solid constant in my life - we Skype chat almost every day).

 

What did he mean by this?

 

What he meant was that originally he found me attractive because he saw me as a very fiercely logical person (which I very much am). He still sees me as physically attractive, and he feels close to me on an emotional level - but he no longer appreciates the side of me that he saw as rational because I have let my emotions rather than my brain dictate my behaviour too often, despite knowing that it was detrimental.

[MissCanuck]

I think I'm a bit similar to your ex, but I don't think it's because your ex or I need to spend more time with our SOs... it's because we need reassurance in order to feel secure. He sounds a bit worse than me though, because I never quizzed him about where he was or when or asked him where he was.

 

It's just that me and my boyfriend used to spend a lot of time talking to each other, which means that he has the capacity to do it. I even thought we should stop talking as much as we did because it became a bit too much, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him "no" when we clearly could spend time together instead... so when he stopped, I then felt insecure because I thought there was a reason for him stopping, even though it was a gradual decline.

 

I do think that it's simply a case of me being taken for granted by my boyfriend sometimes... which happens naturally in any relationship. My problem is that I'm naturally oversensitive to it and overreact instead of letting it pass/getting on with life.

 

In your first post, you said you did sometimes question him about where he was?

 

I'm still not clear about what exactly he was doing that led you to react, or even how you reacted exactly. What specifically did you say or do when you felt he was taking you for granted?

 

Also, I echo Wiseman's question - what did he mean when he said he's not "mentally" attracted anymore? That's a pretty vague assertion. What is your relationship like now, compared to how it was before he told you he was losing attraction?

[psot2]

In your first post, you said you did sometimes question him about where he was?

 

I'm still not clear about what exactly he was doing that led you to react, or even how you reacted exactly. What specifically did you say or do when you felt he was taking you for granted?

 

Also, I echo Wiseman's question - what did he mean when he said he's not "mentally" attracted anymore? That's a pretty vague assertion. What is your relationship like now, compared to how it was before he told you he was losing attraction?

 

I didn't question his whereabouts... But if he didn't answer my texts immediately when I knew he saw them, I'd accuse him of not caring enough... My clinginess expressed itself in a different way, I'm not an over - texter, but I am an over - expecter and it's something that I know he can feel even if I say nothing... And then there's always a stage after a few weeks of me trying not to confront him when it all comes out in one go and with me accusing him of not trying /caring and threatening to break up. Then I calm down and the cycle repeats... That's why I thought it was hormonal

[MissCanuck]

I didn't question his whereabouts... But if he didn't answer my texts immediately when I knew he saw them, I'd accuse him of not caring enough... My clinginess expressed itself in a different way, I'm not an over - texter, but I am an over - expecter and it's something that I know he can feel even if I say nothing... And then there's always a stage after a few weeks of me trying not to confront him when it all comes out in one go and with me accusing him of not trying /caring and threatening to break up. Then I calm down and the cycle repeats... That's why I thought it was hormonal

 

My ex did exactly this. He'd sometimes say nothing, but it was obvious he was upset and disappointed. The problem is that it leaves your boyfriend feeling like he can't make you happy; that's how I felt, anyway. It indicated to me that if smaller issues couldn't be worked through without the accusation that I didn't care or the threat of him leaving, there was no way we'd be able to tackle life's bigger challenges without him behaving like a brat and emotionally black-mailing me like that. A good partnership requires mature communication and problem-solving skills, and those break-up threats clearly told me he was lacking in those areas.

 

You say you're an over-expecter, but can you give some examples? How much time might pass between messages for you to have accused him of not caring? A few hours? A day? These things are relative, so it'd be helpful if you can give some details. It's difficult to know if you're really as clingy as you think, or if he actually isn't as present as he could be. When you accused him of not caring or threatened to break up, what was his response?

 

When a young relationship is tainted with that much drama, it makes one question how much of a future is really possible. Speaking from the other side of the coin, I was already detached and put off enough by his behaviour that I stopped really envisioning our future. I started thinking more about the peaceful relationships I'd had previously and feeling certain I could get that again with a more confident and secure guy. When those thoughts became too loud to ignore, I knew I needed to pull the plug.

 

In your case, all you can do is take your boyfriend at his word that he wants to work on it. If you feel like his dynamic with you will leave you feeling unloved and unwanted, then you need to end it. You have a say too, and it might just boil down to you two wanting different things out of a relationship. But again, I encourage you to think about where this insecurity is coming from. You mentioned you're long-distance - how far are we talking? How often do you see each other (in person)?

[psot2]

My ex did exactly this. He'd sometimes say nothing, but it was obvious he was upset and disappointed. The problem is that it leaves your boyfriend feeling like he can't make you happy; that's how I felt, anyway. It indicated to me that if smaller issues couldn't be worked through without the accusation that I didn't care or the threat of him leaving, there was no way we'd be able to tackle life's bigger challenges without him behaving like a brat and emotionally black-mailing me like that. A good partnership requires mature communication and problem-solving skills, and those break-up threats clearly told me he was lacking in those areas.

 

Yes, he did say that to me before. There was one time he was close to breaking up with me because he said that he didn't want us to get in a situation where maybe he'll get hurt at work and then I'll leave because I wouldn't be able to deal with it. He's actually wrong there because I'd be extremely supportive in situations like these, but it is about how he feels rather than the reality.

 

You say you're an over-expecter, but can you give some examples? How much time might pass between messages for you to have accused him of not caring? A few hours? A day? These things are relative, so it'd be helpful if you can give some details. It's difficult to know if you're really as clingy as you think, or if he actually isn't as present as he could be. When you accused him of not caring or threatened to break up, what was his response?

 

I think it isn't about how much time actually passed, but rather about whether I think he's avoiding me or not. If I KNOW that he could answer me but he didn't, then I get annoyed. He used to call me every time he had breaks at work and on his way back home. So if I texted him and by the time he had his break he didn't answer, I'd feel like he simply didn't care enough to answer. That doesn't happen very often though...

 

Sometimes I'd bring up something that was bothering me and we'd talk through it, but I'd feel that it was unresolved after we hung up. I knew that he wanted to hang up and play video games and didn't want to think about it anymore, which made me feel lonely/unwanted, which in turn made me unable to sleep. I'd call him during a time that I'd usually be asleep, but in his time zone he'd still be up. I'd tell him I was lonely and that I wanted to talk, and if he didn't respond I knew that it was because he ignored it because he was playing games. If I persisted with the messages, he'd finally tell me to "GO TO SLEEP" in text. That sort of thing really affected me.

 

When a young relationship is tainted with that much drama, it makes one question how much of a future is really possible. Speaking from the other side of the coin, I was already detached and put off enough by his behaviour that I stopped really envisioning our future. I started thinking more about the peaceful relationships I'd had previously and feeling certain I could get that again with a more confident and secure guy. When those thoughts became too loud to ignore, I knew I needed to pull the plug.

 

I think he's become more detached like you said, but I think he still sees a future together because there are many other things about our relationship that are very positive.

 

In your case, all you can do is take your boyfriend at his word that he wants to work on it. If you feel like his dynamic with you will leave you feeling unloved and unwanted, then you need to end it. You have a say too, and it might just boil down to you two wanting different things out of a relationship. But again, I encourage you to think about where this insecurity is coming from. You mentioned you're long-distance - how far are we talking? How often do you see each other (in person)?

 

I'm in the UK and he's in the US. I do think that if it continues I'll feel very unloved. On Easter I really want him to come to visit me, but he said he made plans to go to Asia before he met me and he doesn't want to change his plans. The problem is that it means that, if he doesn't come here, we won't see each other for half a year... I sort of feel that a big part of him not coming is not because he doesn't want to, but because he doesn't want to feel controlled by me, although travelling has always been a big part of his life that he wanted to do before settling down.

 

I don't know how I'd feel if he didn't make an effort to see me in April, particularly because he has an entire month to do it. I Think I'd feel that he wasn't making enough effort. I might break up with him for good if he does that, although I didn't tell him that. I'm trying not to go back to the knee-jerk breaking up reaction.

[MissCanuck]

Given how far apart you are and that you see so little of each other, what are the real long-term prospects for this relationship?

 

I don't mean to be a total downer, but if he's already telling you he's losing attraction and you're continents apart with no visit in the near future, it doesn't really look good for the two of you.

 

I think you should also take a step back and consider how realistic and workable this set-up really is.

 

EDIT: I just read your other thread. If I understand correctly, he bought you a plane ticket for you to come see him, you broke up with him, he was upset...and then you had sex with your ex?! Girl. You made your own relationship coffin right there. It wasn't a long time ago, you've been together less than a year! He's obviously not over it and doesn't forgive you if he brings it up. How do you think that made you look to him?

 

No wonder he's lost attraction. Sorry, but at the risk of being very blunt: you need to get yourself straightened out. There is a lot more wrong with this relationship than just clingy or demanding behaviour.