Feeling criticized - when is it too much?

[katiemt]

This is my first post, but I've been reading the forum for a while, and I'd love to get some feedback.

 

Background info- my b/f and I are both 29 and have been dating for 6 months. We met through a mutual friend, and slowly built up a friendship over 4-5 months, and then both admitted there was something more there and have been dating exclusively ever since.

 

We have a lot of common interests- we both ski, run, camp, and just generally love the outdoors. We both have pretty demanding jobs but still manage to spend a lot of time together.

 

I love this guy to death, but lately I have been at the end of my rope, because of one issue- his constant criticism and nitpicking.

 

On big issues, he is awesome. He's faithful, loving, and a good guy. But he is constantly picking at me for little things. If I make dinner, he is appreciative, but also sure to offer some criticism of the meal. If I happen to be the one driving, he is constantly nitpicking (you should have gotten over sooner, you should have taken that other exit, it's faster, etc.) He even nitpicks about things that have NO effect on him- (why did you buy XXX brand of running shoes? They suck. Or, you talk to your mom 4 times a week? That's nuts.)

 

Last night he came over (we don't live together) and I got a mini lecture because my ice cube trays were all empty!!

 

I have tried, a few times, to talk to him about it, but he laughs it off. I have tried to tell him that it bothers me when he is picking at me, but he tells me that it isn't criticism, it's "support". The only time it really seems to sink in for him is when I said "What if when I came over to your house, I started making little comments about how you could do X and Y and Z better. Wouldn't that bother you?" He admitted that it would, but he does not seem to be able to stop.

 

Some more background info- I was raised in a very loving household with parents that I am very close to. His dad, ironically, is a super critical person and my b/f has very limited contact with him as a result of this.

 

I seriously don't know what to do about this- thank God I am a confidant person, or all this criticism would have made me loony! As it is, I am questioning the relationship. My family and friends are great and supportive about me and my life, and this is my first experience dealing with a situation like this.

 

Can he stop? And what can I do to make him realize how much this is damaging our relationship?

[randy]

The only time it really seems to sink in for him is when I said "What if when I came over to your house, I started making little comments about how you could do X and Y and Z better. Wouldn't that bother you?" He admitted that it would, but he does not seem to be able to stop.

 

well give it a try. Find things that you thing he does wrong and start to point it out to him. You did the right thing by talking to him about it but he just does not seem to get it. Tell him that "you understand he is trying to help you by giving you advice, but you really don't like him criticizing everything you do that he thinks is wrong" It bothers me a lot.

 

As it is, I am questioning the relationship.

Now be honest here. Is it more than just the criticism that's making you question the relationship. I think there might be something else, something bigger more revellent that's buging you here?

[romantic sweetheart]

I have encountered this kind of person. And it was too much for me to bear. This young man had to make a comment about everything I did and said. Dinner--"It could use something--more salt." Website--"I can make this better." Driving.."Your car isn't powerful enough" The way I eat "Why do you mix the food together?" The way I pet his cat "You aren't careful enough" And on and on...everything...and I am very sensitive, and it hurt me greatly....

 

His criticisms extended to other people, other races, other faiths...to everything except himself.

 

It may be possible for people to chage, but I want to tell you...this kind of beahviour is tough to alter. It can escalate as time goes on, and it can be a destructive nightmare.

 

It isn't pleasant, it isn't right. And you don't deserve it.

 

These kind of guys brush off your concerns...it is a form of control in a sense, to constantly degrade you, to crush you down with nit picky things, then to chuckle about it "Oh, you know I love you"

 

It is a world of difference to be around a man who adores every little thing you do....The first time I went out after this hypercritical guy.....it was like a miracle. The young man I was out with came into my home and said he loved how I had decorated (contrasted to "Your house is too cluttered) He loveed how I cooked, he loved how spoke, he loved my cats, he loved my faith, he appreciated my words, he enjoyed my sense of humour...I didn't have to feel terrifeid that I would say something wrong, that my shirt wasn't ironed properly, that I ate my food wrong, that I didn't have the right kind of car, that my music was too loud, etc. It was such a relief.....I felt like crying!

 

Right now you seem to be bracing against the onslaught of criticism.....but if he is insensitive to your concerns, then this should be seen as a warning. His beahviours are harmful..and wrong. Even if he has the excuse of his father's example, it is no reason to continue the damaging legacy.....time to stop and reverse the trend.

 

It took my awhile to realise that it wasn't just me..it was everyone and everything that wasn't good enough....And you know what....no one wants to live a life never feeling quite good enough. That is a nightmare.

 

The fact is....you are wonderful..and your empty ice cube trays are cute.....and the way you cook..is great.....and everything about you deseves a shy smile, a chuckle, a little tender kiss because of the way you say your words.....and the fact that you talk to your mom so often...that is so nice........Those are the htings you need to hear...because that is what the soul needs.

 

So many things in life can bring us down....there is harshness everywhere.....our lovers should be a refuge...a gentle comfort....a person that makes us feel like we are coming home, or falling onto big pillowy bed..........

 

No one can tell you what to do because your situation is unique..and your experiences are personal. You have feelings for this young man..you care about him. You will know in your heart what to do...You will find a solution that will be right for you.

 

I just wanted to write and tell you I understand...and to be careful...and to be good to yourself....and to know that you deserve to be in the presense of people who adore you from head to toe.....

[RayKay]

I have been in a similar situation, though it was in a different way. One of my ex's was not critical to the point yours is (about everything) but when we fought he was terrible for doing things like that, or for calling me "too sensitive" and other assorted things like that. He would turn fights around no matter what the original issue was, so that I was to blame and would end up apologizing.

 

No matter how confident you are, it does get to you in time and you DO begin to feel a little "smaller" as time goes on.

 

I would bet it IS to do with his upbringing under his father, and the expectation of perfection. No doubt he DOES care about you and DOES love you, but is unable to separate that from the criticism. My ex used to say when I called him on that it was just his personality - he always tries to improve things. Imagine how that makes one feel when someone insinuates you are something to be improved on!

 

Now, the man I am with makes me feel incredible all the time and I get support, and flattery, and compliments rather than criticism...it is amazing! That is not to say I am perfect, but when I do make a mistake we talk about it. He does not criticize the core of who I am.

 

I would have a serious discussion with him about it, and tell him how it makes you feel, truly. Not that "I hate it when you are critical" but "when you criticize me, I feel like I am failing you, and it hurts me" or something like that - be honest with how it REALLY makes you feel. For him he might not realize how serious it really is.

 

He CAN change, but he has to want to change and he may only do that when he realizes what he really IS doing. If he does not, it might just get worse, and it can be a form of control - he may or not be aware of it, but it IS a form of control as it ends up controlling you emotionally. You may get to point where you almost bow at his feet because despite all your flaws, he is willing to be with you and you don't see how anyone else could ever want you. I hope it does not get there, but do you see where I am going with that?

 

Good luck...I think he can change definitely, but as said he needs to want to, so have a good honest talk about it with him.

 

Good luck

[katiemt]

Thanks for the replies.

 

randy- no, there isn't something else bugging me about the relationship. Maybe what I described doesn't seem like it's that big of a problem, but it really is, to me.

 

romantic sweetheart & RayKay- Thanks so much for your input. I really do need to find a way to let him know how hurtful this is. Not let him dismiss it or laugh it off. It sounds like you both understand where I am coming from, though, and that helps!

[Beenish]

Your story brings tears to my eyes because it is very similar to how my marriage started. He was hypercritical but I thought I could withstand it because I knew he loved me. I came to believe that I deserved this criticism and he would love me again (or I would be deserving of his love) if I could only be a good girl.

 

Finally, he became verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I was convinced that I was worthless. I was in a deep depression and considered suicide a viable option. Luckily, I found a counselor to talk to who helped me regain my sense of self. She helped me save myself.

 

We attended marriage counseling together many times over the years and he would acknowledge his negativity but would not make any moves to change it. He always told me I wanted too much from a relationship thereforeeee it was me who needed to lower my expectations. I tried but was never successful. It finally got to the point where I had to make a decision and I had to take responsibility for MY actions in that relationship. I had allowed him to treat me horribly for years. Now, what was I going to do about it? The longer I stayed with him, the more abuse I endured and the worse I felt about myself. He was not any closer to stopping but I was closer to killing myself.

 

I had to get out. No, he wasn't beating me with his fists, he was beating me with his words. The wounds he inflicted were deep and lasting, nothing superficial here.

 

We're now divorced and I've regained a sense of my life that I haven't had for quite a long time. I'm in a loving relationship with a man who respects and admires me. I'm so glad that I get to model a healthy relationship for my children. [it was very difficult for me to reprimand my sons for calling others names at school when they heard Pop calling Mom names at home.] Thank God we're not caught in that cycle of destruction any longer. We have joint custody so their relationship with their dad has been maintained. He doesn't seem to be as critical of them as he was me. I don't know how I came to be the object of his anger but I'm glad that I no longer occupy that space.

 

I hope I don't scare you with my story for that's not my intent. I hope for a much different outcome for you. Please be honest with yourself about your true feelings and be willing to discuss them with your boyfriend. Trust your instincts. If something bothers you, please be willing to discuss it with him and don't repress it. Also, don't pay him back by behaving the same way -- it just creates a no-win situation. You never get to feel even.

 

I had reservations about our relationship before we married but I pushed them aside. I told myself that it was nothing. I knew he loved me and what more could I want? But we couldn't communicate with love and that is truly important to sustain and relationship.

 

I wish you all the best!!

[melrich]

This type of behaviour is about control. Your b/f likes to be in control...when you are driving, cooking, shopping, talking to you mom, you are partaking in activities that are independent of him. He wants to insert himself into those activities and it takes the form of critiqueing them.

 

Your b/f has no idea he does this and it is not consciously malicious (by the way, praising and adoring is another way people impose themselves on someones independence and we are talking about degrees here, not absolutes obsessiveness can present in any number of ways).

 

Of course you probably already know that your b/f is not making conscious decisions to continually put you down and keep you in your place. Unfortunately it is very difficult behaviour to change. The roots probably do go back to his father and if you change his current behaviour, the impulse will manifest itself in some other behaviour of his...its like you plug one hole and another opens up.

 

You need to confront the issue with him but you have to accept that the root cause has to be addressed, not the behaviour. To do that you will need professional intervention. The hard part will be to convince him that it is what is required.