Your story brings tears to my eyes because it is very similar to how my marriage started. He was hypercritical but I thought I could withstand it because I knew he loved me. I came to believe that I deserved this criticism and he would love me again (or I would be deserving of his love) if I could only be a good girl.
Finally, he became verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I was convinced that I was worthless. I was in a deep depression and considered suicide a viable option. Luckily, I found a counselor to talk to who helped me regain my sense of self. She helped me save myself.
We attended marriage counseling together many times over the years and he would acknowledge his negativity but would not make any moves to change it. He always told me I wanted too much from a relationship thereforeeee it was me who needed to lower my expectations. I tried but was never successful. It finally got to the point where I had to make a decision and I had to take responsibility for MY actions in that relationship. I had allowed him to treat me horribly for years. Now, what was I going to do about it? The longer I stayed with him, the more abuse I endured and the worse I felt about myself. He was not any closer to stopping but I was closer to killing myself.
I had to get out. No, he wasn't beating me with his fists, he was beating me with his words. The wounds he inflicted were deep and lasting, nothing superficial here.
We're now divorced and I've regained a sense of my life that I haven't had for quite a long time. I'm in a loving relationship with a man who respects and admires me. I'm so glad that I get to model a healthy relationship for my children. [it was very difficult for me to reprimand my sons for calling others names at school when they heard Pop calling Mom names at home.] Thank God we're not caught in that cycle of destruction any longer. We have joint custody so their relationship with their dad has been maintained. He doesn't seem to be as critical of them as he was me. I don't know how I came to be the object of his anger but I'm glad that I no longer occupy that space.
I hope I don't scare you with my story for that's not my intent. I hope for a much different outcome for you. Please be honest with yourself about your true feelings and be willing to discuss them with your boyfriend. Trust your instincts. If something bothers you, please be willing to discuss it with him and don't repress it. Also, don't pay him back by behaving the same way -- it just creates a no-win situation. You never get to feel even.
I had reservations about our relationship before we married but I pushed them aside. I told myself that it was nothing. I knew he loved me and what more could I want? But we couldn't communicate with love and that is truly important to sustain and relationship.
I wish you all the best!!
