Fiance has No sexual desires for me.....

[Stacey_C_H]

My name is Stacey, I have been engaged to the same man for the last 5 years. Our relationship has its great times and it most horrific moments. As with any relationship, I would imagine.

My fiance no longer has any sexual desires for me, he jumps on the computer every change he can. When I am at work, in the shower, making dinner, caring for the baby, sometimes even in the same room I am in. While on the computer, he pulls up multiple porn sites and he gets off.

I have tried getting all "dolled" up for him, sexy lingerie, perfume, make-up....everything and to no avail. They last time i dressed up, he told me, "why do you look like that?" I have even gone as far as to take erotic pictures of my self and email them to him, he said, "they did nothing for me."

 

I get very jealous about the porn, coming before my sexual needs and I have even thought about smashing the computer. We have discussed this topic many times and it never gets any better. I have heard all the excuses, porn don't nag to clean the house, they are want I want sexually, I have a back ache, I don't feel well, I am tired...etc...

I am only 26 and curious if this will get any better or just worse.

We have gone from having Sex, everyday, to once or twice in 6 months.

 

Somebody help me, please

Low self esteem Stacey

[Hope75]

Hi Stacey,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

Hmm... I am sorry you are going through a tough time, While it is normal for a couple's passion for one another to wax and wane over time, your fiance has really denied your needs in favor of porn, and that's not fair, or healthy.

 

My bf will also look at porn from time to time and I understand that it's a quick easy no hassle way to pleasure yourself, but he also has a great sexual appetite for me, and as long as that continues, I don't see a problem with someone viewing porn. In some cases, it can spice up one's love life.

 

Having said that, your guy's addiction to porn is ruining your sex life. It sounds like you have taken great measures to spice up your sex life to no avail.

 

Would your bf consider counselling? I don't think it will get better unless you intervene with some professional help. How old is your baby? I have a friend who had some difficulty making love to his wife for a few months after the birth of their baby, he saw her as "mother" and it was hard to put her back in place as "lover" as well. Eventually they overcame it and are fine now.

 

Regardless, I def. think you guys would benefit from counselling. If he is dead set against it, then you have to decide if you are willing to put your needs on the back burner for the rest of your life to marry this guy. Personally to me, sex is not everything, but it is an important part of a relationshop, and I would not be willing to accept that in my marriage.

 

When is the wedding?

[Beec]

Welcome Stacey.

 

I think you need to make a decision. He needs to stop with the porn or you need to leave. This is no way to go into a marriage. Put your foot down.

[Stacey_C_H]

Thanks for the welcoming!

 

I also don't find that sex is greatly important in our relationship, it is important, but not as much as loving each other.

 

Because, we do love each other, our sexual desires are far from equal now. The baby will be 3 on April 1st. More of a little girl, than a baby, huh.lol

 

I don't want it all the time, just a couple times a month, would do. Outside of our sexual issues our relationship is, dare I say perfect. If I had to give up sex forever, to remain with my fiance... I shutter at the thought, but I would.

 

He refuses to pay someone to "intervene" in our sex life. I have even sujested Dr. Phil, but again to no avail.

 

We have many fights over this topic, so many that my sexual "urges" are deminishing. It is easier to let a sleeping dog lye.

Maybe it is me, I don't know.

 

low self esteem stacey

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

Sounds like he's bored.

 

Don't worry, he's already juicing up his sexual desires.

 

Too bad they're going to be for something younger, skinner, and with a slightly tighter labia.

 

But hey, at least you got a ring out of the deal?

 

You did get a ring, right?

[kiara]

dearest Stacy, your signature speaks about your problem a lot louder than all the other posts you have written. Don't expect your man to be turned on by you if you don't even like yourself, or is alternatively the low self-esteem issue a result of his neglect towards you?

 

Explain to him very calmly, and in a non-attacking manner (for some reason men feel always judged and reprimanded by us women and the defense mechanism kicks in at the first accords of a new sentence, so avoid that) that this cannot continue and you're dead serious about this. Tell him about your needs, and instead of bending backwards for him, ask HIM for a solution. Avoid giving ultimatums, but try to get him to engage to a certain time frame that he's gonna work on himself, because the problem is HIS and not yours. If things do not work out for the better, ask him for example how would he feel if you had somebody on thie side just to fulfill those needs of yours as he clearly can't do that for you. Even if that is completely out of character for you and compromises your values, I bet his response will be interesting. You can judge a lot by what he says.

 

As for feeling bad about his porn watching habits, I have a bit of a problem with that myself and I know how you feel. However, don't let somebody like that ever make your feel bad about the way you look. Ever. I mean, do you really want to compare yourself to dyed beach-blond hair, huge silicone bags, airbrushed photos, same sleezy make up and the 'i want you' cheap look? I think you're above that. I know you're above that. More often than not men would not want to have anything to do in real life with the women they oogle upon on th net. Remember that he doesn't like them for who they are, he likes them for what they're doing. As soon as he closes the browser, he's already forgotten what he has looked at. Just take a deep breath and put your child and yourself as priority number one on your list. Do whatever you're comfortable with.

 

All the best

[kiara]

Sounds like he's bored.

 

Don't worry, he's already juicing up his sexual desires.

 

Too bad they're going to be for something younger, skinner, and with a slightly tighter labia.

 

But hey, at least you got a ring out of the deal?

 

You did get a ring, right?

 

 

Cool, I_KicKed_keNNedy, but I got news for ya. Women juicing up their sexual desires for younger, healthier, more successful and wealthy, muscular and caring men is an epidemic IMO. Hope you fit the above description yourself, I_KicKed.

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

 

Cool, I_KicKed_keNNedy, but I got news for ya. Women juicing up their sexual desires for younger, healthier, more successful and wealthy, muscular and caring men is an epidemic IMO. Hope you fit the above description yourself, I_KicKed.

 

you know what's funny? I rarely hear men mention money or status when they describe their ideal mate...

 

just an observation.

 

kisses.

[kiara]

 

you know what's funny? I rarely hear men mention money or status when they describe their ideal mate...

 

just an observation.

 

kisses.

 

My point exactly. Status was quite purposefully slipped in there for you to notice, and you did. As women very rarely mention age, attractiveness, etc.

 

However, this is getting off-topic, let's get back on track.

[Beec]

I jsut don't buy one thing Stacey. Sex has to have a significant amount of importance to you, or why did you bother to ask about it here. You want more and he doesn't, being satisfied getting off in front of the computer to images of other women. Holy Mole, what else can he do to make you feel less wanted.

 

One of your sexual and emotional needs is to feel wanted. Men often said to have a madonna- _______ (wanton woman) complex, seeking the virgin to marry and raise our children, while being sexually exicted by the wanton, lascivious (sp?) woman who will leave us too weak to walk from too much good sex. Most of us want a woman who can be the lady in the parlor and wanton in the bedroom. Women are not too differnet, they often want the nice, decent, faithful guy who acts like an animal towards them and can hardly keep their hands off their own woman.

 

Come on admit ti to yourself, you want a man who looks at you and says, wow, I want to get some of that. But you also want him to be your man, the guy wacking in front of the computer.

 

The man clearly has a sex drive, and he meets his own needs. But your needs, he seems to care little about.

 

Other issue I see with you, you are letting him get away with this. if he gets to meet his own needs and ignore yours, when is it going to stop. It won't until you put your foot down and say NO MORE. Although we grow up and mature some waht, we are still like toddlers inside trying to test the limits of our parents. In your case, he knows that your limits don't prevent him from ignoring your needs.

 

Now, I think you need to realize this problem will onoly change if you act. And, I think you also need to realize that you should be trying to get him to want what you want.

 

The first step to solving a problem is knowing what the problem is. Admit it and begin to think abotu how to solve it.

[Abacab]

Couldn't agree more with what Beec posted.

 

There's no point in pursuing a one-way relationship. Especially if it's going to result in a sexless marriage *shudders*....

[kiara]

*bump*

[ScreenagerX]

I like porn as much as the next guy, well maybe not your guy, which I see as the problem. Porn is ok in small doses & should not conflict with a normal sexual relationship. If a person is turning down sex to please him/herself then they have a problem. Don't blame yourself.

 

But then thats just my opinion