Benefits of Marriage Vs. Living Together

[Katusha]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 2 years. I have been married before and have 2 children from the previous marriage. We get along extremely well. We communicate rather than fight. We do disagree at times but we discuss it and compromise. We have both agreed that we want to be together pretty much forever and that we can't imagine life without the other and that we have never been more comfortable with anyone else.

 

Getting married to him at some point is important to me. We discussed it a bit but he just won't bite. When we discussed it, he wanted to know what getting married would change. Everything seeems great (with the exceptions of finances being quite tight right now but we are working past that) He also knows that a flashy ring is not important to me... that a simple wedding band when we actually get married would be enough. He has told me that he is totally committed to me but can't see the urgency to get married now or in the near future. Why change a good thing?

 

We spend all of our free time together. We have only had one night apart when he had to stay out of town overnight for work. There is already someone there to come home to, to talk to, to share our lives with... What would it change other than a piece of paper and a last name? I know it's important to me but the question really stumped me. It feels like we are already married but we just haven't actuall taken that step. I am in no rush to actually get married but just the reassurance that our relationship is definitely going to lead there at a specific time... even if it is still a year or so away... say once our debts are paid off.

 

Help!! What are the benefits of gettting married when everything is already great just living together?

[DN]

It may be, that like many men, he is not scared of marriage but scared of divorce. Particularly so since you have children from a previous marriage and live in Canada. A recent court case in BC resulted in a man being ordered to pay child support for his ex-wife's children from a previous marriage.

 

Remember that many men see the divorce process as being biased against them and that they can end up with huge financial burdens, as well as losing their children and homes. It is irrelevant whether the perception is true or not - perception is reality, especially in this case.

 

He may need a lot of reassurance that you would not want a divorce down the road. He already knows this has happened to you once before. You will say that you are absolutely committed to him - but he knows you probably said that about your first husband.

[Katusha]

That's great insight... never thought of him thinking that he might possibly have to pay support payments on kids that weren't his.

 

I have tried to show him that I am totally committed to staying for the long run. He knows the circumstances of my past and agrees that it was right for me to leave. I don't like to talk too much about it because I don't want him to think that I'm trying to force marriage on him when he isn't ready. How can I reassure/show him that I wouldn't want to get divorced down the road? (Beyond all of the sweet caring things that I already do?)

 

Anyway, really appreciate the insight and still wonder how to respond to what marriage would change. Thanks again!

[DN]

The Terry Schiavo tragedy is a case in point: your spouse becomes your legal guardian.

 

You both have automatic life insurance and pension benefits.

 

He would have a right to adopt your children and have visitation rights if necessary.

 

You have demonstrated to the world that you love each other and are prepared to make all the commitment that entails.

 

Children feel more secure when their parents are married.

 

You feel that he loves you enough to make that commitment.

 

It is easier to get loans, mortgages when married.

[Katusha]

You sound like a lawyer... am I right? Or are you just really informed about legal issues?

 

Do you know if we need my exes approval to have him adopt my kids? I assume I would lose the child support in that case. I know that would actually mean a lot to him... he does the kids as his and does see himself as their father even though he didn't plant the seed.

 

Thanks

[DN]

I am not a lawyer, just keep up with the news. If the ex is involved then almost certainly he could refuse to allow an adoption, if not then he may give his permission to avoid the child support payments. That issue is best dealt with by a lawyer.

[annie24]

Have you considered a prenup?

[CG]

How can I reassure/show him that I wouldn't want to get divorced down the road? (Beyond all of the sweet caring things that I already do?)

 

Anyway, really appreciate the insight and still wonder how to respond to what marriage would change. Thanks again!

 

If marriage is very important to you and you really want to reassure him

that I wouldn't want to get divorced down the road...

Try to work out a prenuptial agreement that shows he won't be paying child support if you get divorced.

I think it may help more than just a talk.

[Katusha]

Wow... thanks for the responses... but I think we are all (including me) getting ahead of ourselves!! lol I don't think I could convince him to agree to a prenup when he still isn't sure that marriage is the thing for us. Thankfully, I don't think he's convinced that marriage is NOT for us either.

 

If we are already acting and living like a married couple in all aspects but we haven't actually gotten married... what would be the benefits of doing so? What would it change?

 

Thanks again guys and gals!

[annie24]

The Terry Schiavo tragedy is a case in point: your spouse becomes your legal guardian.

 

You both have automatic life insurance and pension benefits.

 

He would have a right to adopt your children and have visitation rights if necessary.

 

You have demonstrated to the world that you love each other and are prepared to make all the commitment that entails.

 

Children feel more secure when their parents are married.

 

You feel that he loves you enough to make that commitment.

 

It is easier to get loans, mortgages when married.

 

well, like DN said, these are some of the advantages/disadvantages of getting married. If you're in the US, you've seen the Terri Schiavo case and then you know that spouses, not parents, make medical decisions when the person is incapacitated.

 

I don't know where you live, but some states recognize common law marriages. If you've been living together for 7 years or so, you are recognized as being married through the eyes of the law, and if you decide to split up, you may be allowed some aspects of a divorce, such as alimony.

 

good luck!

[CG]

I don't think I could convince him to agree to a prenup when he still isn't sure that marriage is the thing for us.

 

So don't start with prenup, start with explaining to him that marriage is more important to you than child support in case you get divorced.

And then explain that prenup can assure that thing.

Of course if it is ok with you.

[Cecelius]

I am a lawyer, but not a divorce lawyer, and what I know is that one needs to be careful about what law applies and why -- don't take it from the news.

 

Common law marriage is almost defunct in the US and requires that the couple affirmatively hold themselves out as husband and wife. Dunno about Canada.

 

I'd just gently talk to him to express that you like how things are and that if they head a more formal route, when appropriate, you're all for that. If you are at the end of your rope on how long this has gone on, tell him that. I'd just be honest but not overly emotional about it.

 

I can't say what he's thinking but I will say that to me, in an ordinary relationship, 2 years is the MINIMUM before I'd even start thinking about marriage. Since you have a more "adult" history along with you than he does, that may throw him a little.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

DN, who cares about the legal mumbo jumbo relating to marriage. Get to the point!!! Marriage is about a final commitment to each other for the rest of your life, and having nothing to do with members of the opposite sex. I think that everyone should desire this. I think divorce should always be banned, except in cases of abuse. And all judges who are sexist against men should be eaten!!!!

[d346]

I've been in both scenareos. I've lived unmarried with a boyfriend and was happy. Now I am engaged, and very happy.

 

What I have learned though is as much as you justify living together as "practically married anyway" if you want marriage down the road, and are unsure that you'll get that, you'll never be 100% happy. I wasn't.

 

forcing him to marry you isn't the answer though, either. You have to both enter into future plans wholeheartedly.

 

Definitely have a heart to heart with him.

[Katusha]

wow guys and gals... you're all awesome! still not much on the actual advantages of marriage as opposed to just continuing along our merry way but some really wonderful, insightful advice!!!

 

it was cute, the other night i made spaghetti and he asked if i would make him a really spicy spaghetti sauce if we were married... i asked if he would ask me if i made him a spicy sauce and he laughed and said i should make it and see... i think we are making progress and definitely not forcing the issue at all. i don't want him to ever think that he was forced into it.

 

i have been teasing him an awful lot about it... like when he starts to get "possessive" (not at all in an abusive way but in a cute loving way)... things like joking about a particular body part being his... and i tell him it's not officially his yet...

 

i have also been really reassuring as to the future without making it a daily conversation... just little comments here and there.

 

thanks again everyone!!!!