Should I still have hope or leave her alone?

[dawnoftruth]

First time poster seeking advice here.

 

The mother of my child and I were together for 4-5 years, and we have a 3 year old son. We broke up because we were too immature to deal with miscommunication, and I certainly was a big part of that. I also did not have much growth to be emotionally available to her and I have taken responsibility for that and have apologized, and she has forgiven me. While we were broken up I went on a quest for knowledge and to know myself more, and the mother of my child got married (within 5-6 months after our official break up). She got married to someone who is going to the Air Force (he's in basic training now) and they didn't even date for a year, I think they only got married so quickly (after 6-8 months), was so that they could be together while he served (not because they were actually in love).

 

But here is why I am here: I think she still loves me. She has told me she has noticed how much I've grown as a person, and how she has felt bad about not holding on to me longer. As time has progressed, we've become closer and more open to each other like how we should've been when we were together. To be honest, a little too open and close because she's married, and her husband already accuses her of still loving me.

 

I think she still loves me because while her husband has been in basic training, we talk about old times and blush (including our favorite sex sessions together), she massages my hands and arms, and I massage her feet and kiss them. She flirts with me a lot, and I flirt back. She texts me a lot, and calls me. When I talk about my future plans, she "kiddingly" finds a way to make it an "us" plan (i.e. buying a house, interior design, weddings, etc). I can tell she holds a lot more back because she's married (i.e. not cuddle with me, but sleep with my sweater). We've been through a lot together, and I feel we still have something to finish. I wanted to come here for guidance, from someone who has maybe been through this before and how it played out. What should I do? Can someone tell me why she is still wanting to be married to him, but still feel more connected to me? I really would love for her and my son to be a family again.

 

Maybe this isn’t an obstacle, but a spiritual and emotional lesson. Maybe this is the chapter, before our chapter together. Maybe we will find joy together after these lessons. Maybe we were meant to learn, and let go. Idk.

 

Should I be direct with her and ask her what's up? Or should I just be cordial for the sake of our child? Am I being played?

 

So far I've decided to sit her down and put everything out on the table. Let me know what you think of this situation and please offer advice (especially if you've been in my position). I know she's married now, which is why I want to put it out all on the table. I'm not sure if this man is a rebound, but I feel she wishes she was with me still.

[Edmund Exley]

Sounds to me like she takes attention where ever she can find it. See whats up when her husband gets finished with basic.

 

Oh, and thats so nice she has no issue with inappropriate behaviour while married to another. Red Flag for me.

[DancingFool]

What you describe amounts to cheating on her husband in my eyes. Not sure I'd be all starry eyed about that because the carp she will do with you, she will also do to you. Sounds like more growing up needs to happen. It also sounds like she is the type of woman who can't be alone even for a second and will always seek attention from multiple sources and latch on to whatever guy happens to be available to her at that moment.

 

In your shoes, I'd drop her like a hot rock, stay civil as far as your child is concerned, but otherwise distance yourself from her. Take your new self and move forward and find a better woman.

[Wiseman2]

Having an affair with a married woman is the road to heartache and headaches whether she is the mother of your child, ex, whatever.

 

If she wanted to be a family with you she would not have married someone else. Perhaps marriage was a goal you never offered her?

 

During all these foot massages and stuff has she ever once mentioned divorcing him or still being in love with you? Co-parenting would be a more noble goal at this point than entertaining a lonely married woman.

She got married to someone. and I massage her feet and kiss them. I can tell she holds a lot more back because she's married. I really would love for her and my son to be a family again. I know she's married now, which is why I want to put it out all on the table.

[dawnoftruth]

Sounds to me like she takes attention where ever she can find it. See whats up when her husband gets finished with basic.

 

Oh, and thats so nice she has no issue with inappropriate behaviour while married to another. Red Flag for me.

 

I've definitely thought about this. I may just be used for attention, but to be honest I'm using her for attention too. I just think she made a mistake getting married so quickly, perhaps I should just let this mistake play out.

 

 

What you describe amounts to cheating on her husband in my eyes. Not sure I'd be all starry eyed about that because the carp she will do with you, she will also do to you. Sounds like more growing up needs to happen. It also sounds like she is the type of woman who can't be alone even for a second and will always seek attention from multiple sources and latch on to whatever guy happens to be available to her at that moment.

 

In your shoes, I'd drop her like a hot rock, stay civil as far as your child is concerned, but otherwise distance yourself from her. Take your new self and move forward and find a better woman.

 

I agree that her actions so far amounts to cheating, which is why I want to sit her down and communicate because of this. It's either done, or it's not. What is carp btw? And I will always have more growing to do, it never stops in my eyes. I agree with a lot you have said, and I appreciate the advice, thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Do this on your own or with a new available partner, just as she has. Getting married means she's moved on and grown with a new committed partner, you should seek the same.

I will always have more growing to do, it never stops in my eyes.

[dawnoftruth]

Having an affair with a married woman is the road to heartache and headaches whether she is the mother of your child, ex, whatever.

 

If she wanted to be a family with you she would not have married someone else. Perhaps marriage was a goal you never offered her?

 

During all these foot massages and stuff has she ever once mentioned divorcing him or still being in love with you? Co-parenting would be a more noble goal at this point than entertaining a lonely married woman.

 

She did want me to marry her, but I did couldn't communicate why I didn't want to at the time. I didn't know myself to be able to tell her that I need some time to figure myself out and ask if she could wait for me (which she has told me she would've done). I wasn't happy with myself at the time, and I couldn't figure out why, but I have now much more and feel much better about my future and life in general.

 

She's afraid to admit because of everything it took from her planning the wedding (which her husband didn't help with or initiate paying), to getting married, and being ready to move soon. I think she doesn't want to deal with the societal pressure. But short answer; no she hasn't said these things, but I see it in her eyes. I plan to sit her down, and put it all out on the table, but after getting some advice I may just go cold turkey and just stop.

[Wiseman2]

If she hasn't said she wants to divorce her husband or that she's still in love with you what you are "seeing in her eyes" is your own reflection of what you wish. Your regret at being the guy who couldn't step up, etc.

 

She moved on the a guy who wanted to marry her. The only thing you should be "putting on the table" at this point is child support checks.

no she hasn't said these things, but I see it in her eyes. I plan to sit her down, and put it all out on the table.

[DancingFool]

Be careful about assuming that you know what the other person is really thinking, especially when you are invested in this the way you are.

If you want to know then I think you are right in that you need to lay it all out and ask her to decide.

 

I would just advise you that regardless of what she says, you stop the intimate stuff. Meaning that if she tells you she will divorce him, then sit on your hands and let her actually go through with it. Don't fall into the trap of hearing what you want and getting chin deep into an affair. Let her actions speak for her in that she goes home and files for a divorce and not just keep telling you she is going to....when the time is.....and it's never right because of this that and the other.

 

If she tells you no, then cut off the connection and take your new improved self to other directions. Be a good parent, maintain a good relationship with her as far as your child is concerned, but do not get overly friendly and do not permit her cheating on her husband with you. She really cannot have it both ways, at least not with you.

[dawnoftruth]

If she hasn't said she wants to divorce her husband or that she's still in love with you what you are "seeing in her eyes" is your own reflection of what you wish. Your regret at being the guy who couldn't step up, etc.

 

She moved on the a guy who wanted to marry her. The only thing you should be "putting on the table" at this point is child support checks.

 

Okay, what you said makes sense.

[dawnoftruth]

Be careful about assuming that you know what the other person is really thinking, especially when you are invested in this the way you are.

If you want to know then I think you are right in that you need to lay it all out and ask her to decide.

 

I would just advise you that regardless of what she says, you stop the intimate stuff. Meaning that if she tells you she will divorce him, then sit on your hands and let her actually go through with it. Don't fall into the trap of hearing what you want and getting chin deep into an affair. Let her actions speak for her in that she goes home and files for a divorce and not just keep telling you she is going to....when the time is.....and it's never right because of this that and the other.

 

If she tells you no, then cut off the connection and take your new improved self to other directions. Be a good parent, maintain a good relationship with her as far as your child is concerned, but do not get overly friendly and do not permit her cheating on her husband with you. She really cannot have it both ways, at least not with you.

 

Love what you said, and I will do just that. I'll update later this week. I truly think after I do this, I will finally feel free from trying to guess everything. I want us to be on the same page and let things take it's course. The only reason I've been invested is because whatever I give out, I receive it back from her. I've learned to be direct and professional so I will display that with her about this.