Old memories come back...

[Herbalguan]

Hi all! First I have to apologize for there may be some grammar errors because I am not a native speaker. And it's a long post.

 

I am Asian, my ex is American, and we're both living in Asia. We had been dating for 6 months and broke up about 3 months ago, right before he went back to America for a month. The reason we broke up is that we argued a lot, and when we argued he wouldn't be able to have fun in music festivals or live gigs (he's in a band).

I just moved to his city and tried to find a job there, and suddenly I was dumped and left all alone. I begged and waited for him that month, and seriously, it was like living in hell. Because of the extreme pain, I made up my mind to move on and move back home. And then, he's back. He cried and begged me to wait for him, to get over him without forgetting him, move on without dating other guys, and he'll move to wherever I am and do anything to win me back...and I, being totally foolish, told him I'll wait and won't date other guys.

After that, he still came to my place sometimes but everything was no longer the same. He became really cold, distant and easy to get mad at me. The only and the last time he smiled at me was when he asked me to perform oral sex. Not long after that we argued again and he has been ignoring me since then. It was two months ago, but everytime I think about this, it still hurts a lot. This made me feel like I was worthless.

After living in tears for a month, I stopped waiting for him and went on dates, and I felt I was finally me again! I was soooo much happier. Now, I have no feelings for him...this is supposed to be a good thing, but turns out it hurts me. When I was still in love, I was really blind. I forgave whatever he said and did and also tried to forget them, because I didn't want to feel the pain. Now, without love, when something triggers the old memories, they come back with even greater pains. Without the love to him, I can no longer do the forgive and forget. It is like the old memories forces me to admit that he's an and I am still hurt. Those mean words he said to me and my family, those flirting conversations he had with his ex girlfriends, are echoing in my mind. "I didn't want you to be my GF I only did that because I don't want you to other guys" "You're a retarded " every word he said kills me. I can't forgive him, and can't forgive myself, either, for letting this treated me like I was worthless. Now I am feeling even worse than before...

 

I am sorry this post is long and not organized. I am really thankful if you read the whole story. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Glad you moved on and are dating local more culturally compatible guys. This guy sounds like a disrespectful jerk.

[Lola216]

If you two argued a lot, then maybe it was best that you two broke up. It didn't seem like a healthy relationship, especially since he said a bunch of those hurtful things. If he really cared about you, even while breaking up with you, then he wouldn't have said some of those insensitive things.

 

You'll eventually learn to forgive yourself. Then you'll be able to fully heal from this.