She and everyone else found out about our affair at a party

[UNHAPPY]

I have been involved with a married man for over four years. About 16 months ago we were all at a mutual friend's 50th birthday party. The evening started out uncomfortable for him, his adult son (who knew about it), and myself. However, when his son became very drunk he made it publicly known to everyone at the party that we were carrying on an affair. His wife's daughter heard the whole conversation - she was sitting nearby. His wife was accross the room, heard parts of it at the time, but not all. They left within 3 minutes - she was publicly humuliated. I was embarrassed but for the most part everyone at the party knew and would see us together more than him and his wife. A part of me was happy that it happened and the truth was out. I do not like his wife - she is shallow, very materialistic, unattractive (but thinks she is beautiful and looks down her nose at everyone). However, there is something about her and the security of his home life that he holds on to. He was divorced once before and his wife cheated on him, and met his current wife while he was separated.

 

I thought she would be the one to kick him out. But she didn't. She does not want anything to do with any of his friends (unless they are from a different circle than the party - and that number is pretty low), nor does she want anything to do with his son, wife and granddaughter.

 

I love him, but I continue to keep myself open new and better relationships. Prior to meeting me, him and his wife separated many times in the 6 years they were married and lived apart. Since he hooked up with me, he has not separated once from her.

 

He is 51 and says he is too old to start all over again for a second time. He does not want to lose $1 million which is what a divorce would cost him. Do you think he would be willing to leave his wife if he loved me?

 

Your thoughts are appreciated...

[Miss_Angel]

First of all- mistake number one- dating a married man. Mistake number 2 attending a party that you knew both he and his wife would be at. Mistake 3- thinking that if he divorces her and marries you, what makes you think that he wouldn't do the same thing to you? People like you make me so upset......because it has no common sense. And as far as your dislike for his wife is concerned, it holds no weight. You can sit there and legitimize your relationship all you want, but the point is, he is married to her. I suggest you look elsewhere for a mate/partner whatever is the politically correct term these days, because in the end, you too, will end up being hurt.

[UNHAPPY]

1 - Why are you upset with me? I have done nothing to you.

2 - I told him not to attend the party. He claimed his wife insisted on going. He should have pretended to be sick. He knew his son would be there, and that he is unstable.

3 - I do not want to marry him. I'd just like to spend more time with him. He is a very fun person to be around. He is cheating on me with his wife, and he is cheating on his wife by being with me. He is in two committed relationships. I just do not have the legal document. I can handle that. Many single men are even worse in a relationship.

4 - The sex is phenomenol

5 - She stays with him for the $, and he stays to not lose the $.

6 - Other than the $, why would a woman stay in a marraige especially when so publicly humuliated, and not wanting any part of her husband's friends and family.

[Miss_Angel]

Why am I so upset with you? Obviously words that are typed can not have a tone of voice- so in my calmest voice possible, you fail to see that you have done wrong. You lack compassion for the other woman in this relationship, stop thinking about yourself for 5 seconds and think about how she feels...Second of all, if you told him not to attend the party, but KNEW he was planning on attending anyway....You could have chosen not to go. And I would be interested in knowing if you know how to use the word "no" - I mean, because I make it a point to steer away from dating married men, for any reason. "No, I'm sorry I can't date you because your married.....but if you'd like to hang out as friends..." often works well...Maybe you seek married men as a perference, I don't know, and who am I to judge...but for you to make assumptions on their relationship......have you personally talked to this woman? Money often isn't enough to sustain a loveless- so to speak - marriage. And there are alternatives to avoiding a costly divorce as any good lawyer can tell you. I seriously think you need to back off and let them - The married couple- resolve these issues on their own. It seems that there is a lot that needs to be resolved without your interference. And not to be overly harsh, but as a final thought, remember what goes around often comes around.

[UNHAPPY]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I'm sorry but I do not care about his wife at all! Nor enabling their marraige problems to be resolved by ending our relationship. So that does not play into any of my decisions. I would never want him to leave his marraige for me, but to leave because he wants to leave.

 

I played by the rules my whole life (and I'm alot older than you), and I want to continue in this relationship for now. I was in the World Trade Center on 9/11 in the first tower that got hit. Guess who he called first? Guess who he spent the day with? Me. I think that makes a statement.

 

His wife moved out 3 times prior to me meeting him, and everyone joked about their relationship. I believe each time she moved out, they lost more and more from their relationship - her actions told him that she did not care enough to stick with him on a daily basis to get thru the troubled times - difficult teenage son, ailing parent, different interests, etc.. But she cared enough each time she came back. But what did she really care about - well, she got tired of living in her parents house with her daughter and not the luxurious lifestyle. So, she moves in and out, in and out, etc. How much do I care about giving them the ability to resolve their problems ------ - ZERO..........

 

As far as what comes around goes around, well his wife is actually on that end of the statement now. Her past is far from moral (from reliable sources - he never said anything).

 

My unhappiness is that our time together has been reduced, but not to the point that I will stop seeing him. So, I guess I now seek advice from other women happy to be with married men and how to go about getting the time and attention you want......

[SwingFox]

Hi everyone,

 

I am a little bit worried over where this topic is leading to. I thought it might be a good idea to shed some light over it.

 

Unhappy, I would like to welcome you to eNotalone. com. Thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I understand what you are trying to do and I respect your feelings towards it. Unfortunately, what you do is not (yet) generally accepted. Most people see marriage as two persons committing themselves to one another. If that doesn't work anymore or the chemistry is gone, you file for a divorce and try to move on as best as possible. From that point of view a lot of people (like Miss_Angel) will disagree with you and the way you think.

 

Miss_Angel, I do understand your feelings, since what you are talking about is what has been generally accepted. I believe that you are right the wife will feel humiliated. I also respect your opinion and what you're trying to say. However, I would like to explain to you that on eNotalone.com we try to talk in terms of suggestions. We respect every opinion and give advice here. I hope that my reply will encourage you to keep posting. We just ask to post in a 'suggestive' way.

 

As for my advice to Unhappy: Unhappy, I would like to suggest that you work out something different. I understand that you really like and that you probably love this man, but yet, he is married. I tend to believe that his wife feels hurt now and to be honest, she does have reasons to. I would advice you to see if you can get this man talk into a divorce in order to have him for yourself. I hope that this works for you and that my posting gave you another inside.

 

Thanks

 

~ SwingFox ~