Confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mavrick]

Me and my gf live in different cities currently. we have our relationship of 1 yr and some months right now.

 

She has made a new fd (boy), who is now having very good terms with her.

They chat everyday -- in the school, on the phone, in the tuitions...

I have known this guy before and he was interested in my gf, (then also they were fds but not as they are).

She tells everything to me and her new fd., as i didnt like this guy, i had told her, but as she convinced me that i should always think positively and that this fd of hers is good in nature, and whatever may happen, even she has spent time with this guy more someday, has laughed with him, talks to him etc, i shouldnt be bothered much cuz in the core of her heart she will love me and only me.

 

In this situation i sometimes find it hard to do things this way ( always being positive ), cuz of some situations such as what happened yesterday and sometime back.

I had called her, she kept my phone after 2 mins saying that a waiting call is coming and i should call back after some time, when i do for the next 20 mins its still on waiting... she tells me it was her new fd, i got angry, but then again she explained that i shouldnt feel this way etc.

 

some of my fds(in the same school of hers) tell me that theres something going on between these 2, but whenever she calls me, she tells me everything she remembers what had happened...everything (i believe).

 

I sometimes find that she would want to be with this guy(as her gf), as my fds etc say and some incidences, but the confusion is created when that if at all she wants to be with that guy why does she tells me everything they did (whether i would feel bad or not, cuz i have told her not to hide anything)....

do you guys think that this girl is doing something wrong against me, or do you think that she is absolutely fine and I should be more positive in this manner..

Whatever be your answer please tell me how to execute that in my mind??? Pls reply soon.

[Day_Walker]

Her behavior seems questionable at this point. There is a possibility that something is going on between her and her friend, as well as a possibility thta there isnt. Unless you have concrete facts you dont have much to go on. I would modify your behavior so that you dont come off so jealous. Keep in mind what is happening between your gf and her friend but at the same time realize that you cant control what she does, so if she is going to do something with him there really isnt much that can be done.

[mavrick]

Please tell me then how could i conclude about whats going on??

My friends tell me the things that they see ( see them together ), but if we have a talk the very same day she tells me what the important talk was. Or something that she remembered that had happened. As we are not able to talk everyday there obv are somethings that she forgets for later.

Please help me out, I am going tomorrow to see her.. should i ask her to call for an important talk... if yes then what should i actually talk or say about .. and if not then what should i do to stop making me feel bad and jealous?

[arwen]

Hey mavrick,

 

Relationships over longer distances can be very hard and you'll really need an extended form of trust in my experience. I think for now it's best to trust your gf, but you do need to talk to her. It seems to me that your friends wouldn't be telling you this kind of thing if they weren't trying you to keep you from being hurt.

 

Let me tell you though, it's possible for a girl being normal friends with a guy of course. You don't know what your friends are seeing. Maybe they are extra suspicious because they are your friend.

 

It's a good thing you are about to see her. Things like this are really difficult to talk about on msn or the phone. I think it's better to know what's going on than having your mind going in all directions, even if it would indeed turn out that there's more to this friendship than she has admitted sofar. At least then, you know, it will hurt and totally be not ok, but knowing is better than being scared all the time.

 

I hope this helps, I will keep track of your topic here.

 

Ilse.

[Day_Walker]

In your position I dont believe that you can conclude anything. Since you are in different cities and different schools its hard to gather information. The only information you have to rely on comes from friends and from your gf. What you should look for are signs of her acting differently. If she is starting to like her friend or already likes him then her behavior towards you should change. You need to look carefully and see if you notice anything.

 

If you are going to see her tomorrow then thats fine you dont need to talk to her in the mean time. Remember that you dont need to act jealous because of her friend, he isnt your concern at this time. You need to focus on your gfs actions at this point. I dont know what will work for you as far as not feeling bad or jealous, but I do know that you need to get over it because this guy isnt any of your concern. By focusing on your gf you should be able keep yourself occupied.

[abcd1234]

Do not allow your suspicions to get in the way of your relationship with her. If you do come accross as suspicious or jealous all of the time that you are around her then you may begin to inadvertently push her away; what you have to do is show her that you trust her and that the trust between you means a lot to you.

 

Obviously long-distance relationships are always going to be hard and that is why the trust is so much more valuable within the relationship. If you don't have trust, then you don't really have anything.

 

You also have to be rational with how you think about this, are you instantly jumping to conclusions or are you being fair? Are your friends exaggerating the things that they have seen? Is your gf the kind of person that values friendship a lot and enjoys spending time with friends?

 

You're going to have to talk to her about this, there isn't really a way of avoiding it. It's not going to be easy but you have to give her the chance to be honest, if you instantly dive in accusing her of things then she wont get a chance to be upfront and let you know exactly what the situation is between her and this guy.

 

Good luck.

[mavrick]

Thank you people for helping me.

 

One thing which happened today when i went to meet her was that she said that her fd had come yesterday and she had told him about the fight we had gone through (about the phone -- waiting etc).

 

Now if she has told her fd (her new fd had told everything about him and his gf), she has also told me about this. If she wanted then she could have never told me. this is what confuses me sometimes...

but i guess i will give her the trust she wants (give her a fair chance), as i am in a ldr so is she.. it was hard for both of us...

 

i think that i should not be going too deep into what has happened and what did they both do (cuz i have for the past many months and have ruined my studies for this), and even if something does happen (which i dont like -- and she tells me about it) i will just tell her that i didnt like this stuff and she should be more careful about this for the next time.. i mean i would try not to worry too much about this fdship of hers , i hope.

 

Also one important fact -- she loves her fds very much and treasures the fdship more than anything else.

 

I would try to give her the wings she wants -- afterall me moving to a diff. city was our idea.

I sometimes do think that she likes the company of that boy than me (we hae met only 3 times in the past 25 days and in the next 10 days i would be leaving in which i can only meet her once (max.) and wont b coming back till next year).... i guess that happens cuz we dont have much to share about things -- like when i was here we used to talk about what happened in the school etc but now as we are in diff cities and things are diff.. she talks to that guy concerning all these topics..

 

So the point is --

Should I give her more trust and space for the time being and stop acting and behaving jealous (even if she talks to him more than she talks to me -- even when i am here)..... but one prob comes here also .. i do want to stop feeling jealous but this whole thing has made me ..... i dont know what...>> i was not able to concentrate on my studies and also my fun time for whole 8 months ... thats a huge waste of time...

and that too all cuz of my jealousy inspite of her convincing me that if she had to ditch me she would have long back, and also would not be telling me stuffs that i could have never known...

 

Please reply.

 

Thanks.

[arwen]

Hey mavrick!

 

I think I would probably feel the same as you do. To be honest, I don't think it's a good move on her side to discuss her relationship with you with another man. I don't know. I would feel terrible, jealous and mad.

 

It's like she has the need to make you look bad towards him. Why on earth does she need to tell personal and private things about your relationship with him?

 

You seem like a really sweet guy. It IS a waste to spend 8 (!!!) months feeling bad about a relationship. It's difficult to give advise based on one-sided stories, however, to me it just looks like she's having a cake and eating it two.

 

Do you know anything about the gf of this friend of hers?

 

About 'giving trust'. I don't think you can decide to trust someone. Well, at least it's really difficult to trust someone when your gut is telling you otherwise. Trust is something that is based on certain input of the other person, which I think is missing, or is input to the contrary in your situation. Trust is moreover something that is simply just there. I somehow never fully got to trust an ex boyfriend. He never cheated in the literal sense but I did lose him to a so-called 'friend' in the end. To me it meant I should have listened to my gut much earlier.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[mavrick]

You are right i think ilse.... i was a bit angry and jealous (within) but i didnt show it.

 

Once asking about this stuff that why you gave him importance or why didnt u tell me such thing had happened etc >> so she had replied me with a letter (not a mail) which she posted... that said that why should i feel this way when i and her both know that we love each other >> also that if she had to ditch me she cud have done it long back and i would have not even known this >> that she is not a girl of a bad character (she used call girl here) >> and i should trust her more , find more trust by going deep into love... saying that if i talk to any girl she would not become jealous because she knows that we both love each other more than we love any other boy or a girl..

 

please reply

[arwen]

Hey mavrick,

 

Seems we are the only ones on the forum lol... the states are sleeping

 

 

 

I don't know, she cannot tell you how you should feel about her talking to this guy. It's difficult because of the distance of course. If you were in the same city this would be a complete different situation. Maybe you'd hang out with the three of you, and you'd get to know this guy better. Now you just have to trust things, and basically, you don't.

 

I cannot say if anything is going on that she is not telling you. However, no one in their right mind stays in a long distance relationship if the love they feel isn't strong enough.

 

IF there is really nothing going on, you will need to find a sort of compromise. I think it's fair to ask her not to discuss the problems with this guy that are issues that are between the two of you.

 

It could very well be that she really doesn't feel a thing for this boy. In that case, it's really hard to be not trusted. I think it's frustrating for her too if this issue keeps returning. However, the solution is to be found in a good communication on things. Instead of being mad at her, cool down first, and discuss this whole thing when you see her next time.

 

It helps if you talk about these things if you make them about yourself. That is, try to NOT blame her of anything. Say YOU feel insecure about this, and you're very sorry if you make problems for her by this. That you NEED to talk about this, and you don't accuse her. That it's just a feeling and you can't help her and that the distance surely doesn't help here.

 

Ilse.

[mavrick]

Thanks again.

 

Yesterday I had called went up to her place (as already mentioned above) and had called her in the evening.

 

The evening conversation I said that i needed to talk about US , she asked me what is the thing >> So basically i asked her how she would want me to feel when she talks to that boy, on this she replied that I shouldnt feel BAD or HURT about somethings cuz i should all the time remember -- they both are fds. She considers him as a fd. He considers her as a fd, and they both are good fd, friends forever... and i am something more than friends for her... always.

 

This is what she said, when asked upon.

I guess she is right. I will try and cool down at first everytime and try not to scare her away. Thinking back now, when I had told her that i am wasting my time on this stupid topic and why couldnt she understand, she had said that she is frustrated that why this topic shoots up again and again. For her, i definitely would be showing Needyness, and not giving her the trust and space(space to live independently being obviously in a relationship with me -- that i should trust her with her new fd and should happily and not get frustrated about this).

By all this, i think i had scared her away a little from me... i will try and control about this feeling of mine of jealousy etc.

 

Today she has gone out of station with her family for 2 days..

if any further updates i will keep on writing here.

 

Thanks in advance.

[mavrick]

I was wondering whether I should call my gfs new fd on his phone asking him to meet me ( -->>my gf is out of the station

 

Dont worry I wont call right away... i was just Wondering .

[mavrick]

Ok, now my gf returned from her tour today... she had called me up but i wasnt there.

 

Do you guys think that it would be a wise idea that I dont call until she calls (cause I have been calling everyday from a month and she has called only 2wice).... i think that I should see her behaviour cange by this way.. lets see how she responds when I dont call her. Also I had written a mail to her 2 days back asking her to call, but she neither replied by phone or mail,... as i check her email account (and she knows), I came to know that she had sent a mail to her "new fd"... but she hasnt replied to me as yet.

 

Please reply.