Can't get past his past

[Imtheprincess]

I was seeing a man for about 18 months and now it seems it's over. He had a bad break up with his ex and can't seem to get past it. He's a good man and has a big heart when he lets down the walls, but that doesn't happen very often. I tried to be a good listener and have patience, but I guess it's something only he can fix. My heart is broken and i struggle daily to keep from calling and texting him. But I think the best thing to do is just leave him alone.i'm only 27 and he's 28.....so I know i have many years ahead but don't want to spend them without him. How do you get through these days?

[pippy longstocking]

Hiya ,

 

Firstly it was never your job to be patient and a good listener and help him get over it , it was his responsibility to sort his sh1t out before getting with anyone . All too often we take it upon ourselves to be therapist and with certain things we do have to consider peoples life experiences and trauma's , however we are all responsible for ourselves and healing before dragging anyone else in .

 

You are right , it is best just to keep going forward , there is no magical cure and time is a healer , you have to just take one day at a time and know you will come out of this , what's for you will not pass you by and I know the universe has other things planned for you . *hugs x

[Wiseman2]

What was the breakup about? Did he go back to his ex or did he say he didn't have feelings for you? In a good relationship, you don't need to be someone's therapist or try to fix their broken hearts.

 

You start out as available equal partners who both have something to offer. Good idea to remain no contact so you can heal and reflect that this was a bad relationship and he used you as a rebound. When you start dating again make sure their ex is in the past.

I was seeing a man for about 18 months and now it seems it's over. He had a bad break up with his ex and can't seem to get past it.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm going to tell you a little secret to at least weeding out some of the biggest time wasters for relationships that one can find (fellas, this applies to you too):

 

1. If you have to play therapist to "help" your partner get over anything that happened to them before you met then you need to take a pass on the relationship and they need to go get help from a professional therapist and not put their own issues on to someone's shoulders to "solve" for them. Anyone doing that is lazy at best, manipulative at worst, definitely not emotionally healthy enough to even be in a relationship before they solve it for themselves.

 

2. If you have to play parent to your partner in any way then that's a sign as well that the relationship is not healthy. You shouldn't have to tell someone how to behave or monitor them or forbid them to go here or there or not talk to someone. It should just be you state, "These are my boundaries, this is what I expect of you as my partner, if I find you can't or won't respect what I need and want and my boundaries then as much as I love you, I will let you go, because I'm not gonna be your momma or daddy or probation officer.

 

So you had both - you were acting as both this guy's therapist and his mom. I can't think of anything more unsexy and unappetizing in a relationship. And trust me, I have done both points 1 and 2 often enough in past relationships to tell you all those types of relationships do is crush your self-esteem and spirit until you have none left.

 

And that's what I see happened here. And then when he realized he might actually have to take some responsibility and do something to be happy instead of manipulative and whining he dumped you to see if he could go pull that racket on someone else. And I say that because come the blip on - he was in a relationship with you for nearly 2 years and he couldn't get over the ex? Yeah, he's either get serious emotional problems that were never going to be fixed by you - only him IF he stops being a lazy whiner who would rather blame other people than man up and be responsible for his own life and happiness OR he was using that as an excuse to manipulate you.

 

And I know right now you don't see it, because you're still coming out of the Stockholm Syndrome type fog that a toxic relationship leaves you, but hang on, don't let him come back, go and stay NC, and wait for the fog to clear, because it will.

 

Learn from this and learn to establish the boundaries of what you need and want in a relationship, what you are okay with, understand that even therapists and counselors and anyone in the mental health field doesn't "fix" people, they just help those who for whatever reason finally go see someone for help. But in the end the people who really do the fixing are the clients themselves. I've had therapy, trust me my therapist(s) did not make it all better, they just guided me through the steps so I could do it myself. But it takes getting to the point where you have to say to yourself, "Self, you need to handle this and stop looking for other people or things to do it for you."

 

And that's not where this guy is at and frankly I really kind of doubt he ever will be since he sounds like one of those "It's everyone else's fault, got nothing to do with me," kind of people. And you deserve better. You want a partner who is an equal to you, not someone looking for surrogate momma or therapist or to "save" them. Give.me.a.break. Right now focus on saving yourself, you're the one who deserves it. Hang on and heal and do things that help boost your self-esteem and respect. Go take some assertiveness classes, get into yoga and martial arts, read up on how to establish firm boundaries and learn the difference between compassion and being supportive and being enabling and a bit of a doormat for others bad behaviors. These are two different things entirely and it takes time and study to usually learn the difference.

 

The only thing you did wrong here was not show the guy to the door sooner when he kept whinging about the ex while he was engaged in a relationship with you and should have just been over the moon happy to be loved by someone again.

[jennylove]

As always, ParisPaulette, bravo.

[Edmund Exley]

Hiya ,

 

Firstly it was never your job to be patient and a good listener and help him get over it , it was his responsibility to sort his sh1t out before getting with anyone . All too often we take it upon ourselves to be therapist and with certain things we do have to consider peoples life experiences and trauma's , however we are all responsible for ourselves and healing before dragging anyone else in .

 

You are right , it is best just to keep going forward , there is no magical cure and time is a healer , you have to just take one day at a time and know you will come out of this , what's for you will not pass you by and I know the universe has other things planned for you . *hugs x

 

The lady is correct.

[Edmund Exley]

I'm going to tell you a little secret to at least weeding out some of the biggest time wasters for relationships that one can find (fellas, this applies to you too):

 

1. If you have to play therapist to "help" your partner get over anything that happened to them before you met then you need to take a pass on the relationship and they need to go get help from a professional therapist and not put their own issues on to someone's shoulders to "solve" for them. Anyone doing that is lazy at best, manipulative at worst, definitely not emotionally healthy enough to even be in a relationship before they solve it for themselves.

 

2. If you have to play parent to your partner in any way then that's a sign as well that the relationship is not healthy. You shouldn't have to tell someone how to behave or monitor them or forbid them to go here or there or not talk to someone. It should just be you state, "These are my boundaries, this is what I expect of you as my partner, if I find you can't or won't respect what I need and want and my boundaries then as much as I love you, I will let you go, because I'm not gonna be your momma or daddy or probation officer.

 

So you had both - you were acting as both this guy's therapist and his mom. I can't think of anything more unsexy and unappetizing in a relationship. And trust me, I have done both points 1 and 2 often enough in past relationships to tell you all those types of relationships do is crush your self-esteem and spirit until you have none left.

 

And that's what I see happened here. And then when he realized he might actually have to take some responsibility and do something to be happy instead of manipulative and whining he dumped you to see if he could go pull that racket on someone else. And I say that because come the blip on - he was in a relationship with you for nearly 2 years and he couldn't get over the ex? Yeah, he's either get serious emotional problems that were never going to be fixed by you - only him IF he stops being a lazy whiner who would rather blame other people than man up and be responsible for his own life and happiness OR he was using that as an excuse to manipulate you.

 

And I know right now you don't see it, because you're still coming out of the Stockholm Syndrome type fog that a toxic relationship leaves you, but hang on, don't let him come back, go and stay NC, and wait for the fog to clear, because it will.

 

Learn from this and learn to establish the boundaries of what you need and want in a relationship, what you are okay with, understand that even therapists and counselors and anyone in the mental health field doesn't "fix" people, they just help those who for whatever reason finally go see someone for help. But in the end the people who really do the fixing are the clients themselves. I've had therapy, trust me my therapist(s) did not make it all better, they just guided me through the steps so I could do it myself. But it takes getting to the point where you have to say to yourself, "Self, you need to handle this and stop looking for other people or things to do it for you."

 

And that's not where this guy is at and frankly I really kind of doubt he ever will be since he sounds like one of those "It's everyone else's fault, got nothing to do with me," kind of people. And you deserve better. You want a partner who is an equal to you, not someone looking for surrogate momma or therapist or to "save" them. Give.me.a.break. Right now focus on saving yourself, you're the one who deserves it. Hang on and heal and do things that help boost your self-esteem and respect. Go take some assertiveness classes, get into yoga and martial arts, read up on how to establish firm boundaries and learn the difference between compassion and being supportive and being enabling and a bit of a doormat for others bad behaviors. These are two different things entirely and it takes time and study to usually learn the difference.

 

The only thing you did wrong here was not show the guy to the door sooner when he kept whinging about the ex while he was engaged in a relationship with you and should have just been over the moon happy to be loved by someone again.

 

Paris describes what a friend and I call the "Save a Ho" and/or "Save a Bro" phenomenon where people meet someone emotionally damaged and think they are gonna make that person's life magical. Its not your job to save anyone.

[Wiseman2]

a friend and I call the "Save a Ho" and/or "Save a Bro" phenomenon

]

[Imtheprincess]

Thanks for all the great replys. I have read each one and i appreciate the info. Each day will get easier and i know time heals these wounds. I know if won't be easy, but I think there are lessons learned and boundries will be set.

Thanks again! Hugs!